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I’ve been really good friends with this guy for almost two years now, and to be honest if I hadn’t been dating his friend when I met him I would’ve asked him out. But anyway, we’ve kept it strictly friends and both really value our friendship. But over the past few weeks I began to develop feelings for him – I started wanting to be more than just friends and found myself getting really jealous of any girls he paid attention to and started thinking about him sexually.
We went to a party together a few days ago and I told him that I wanted to try being more than just friends with him. But I left out the feelings part and just told him about the physical desire. (He is a virgin by the way and I’m not.) He told me he had NO idea I thought about him like that and that he had never thought about me as anything other than a friend. A couple of hours later he came back to my house with me and we had great sex.
The morning after he asked me if I’d be OK with him asking this other girl out, and that he just “really needs a friend right now” and doesn’t want this to ruin our friendship. I got bent out of shape and told him that I liked him because I wanted to make sure he knew the full truth before he made his decision. He said that he was really sorry if he had led me on but that he just wants to be friends with me.
Obviously I feel hurt and a bit used and I don’t know why he likes this other girl but not me. (Because objectively I am hotter than her and also we are already such good friends and get on so well!)
I need to know if it’s possible to go back to being just friends now. Can he really have lost his virginity to me and now just never see me in a sexual/romantic way every again? Is there any hope for me??
We know this hasn’t worked out the way you hoped, but on the positive side, it seems like he’s a really solid friend. Meaning, some guys—or people—might have taken advantage of the situation and continued to have sex with you even if they didn’t have romantic feelings. It seems to us that he actually values your friendship.
Here’s the thing Molly. If he saw you as more than just a friend, it’s likely he would have made that clear at some point in your friendship. Or at least he would have hinted around that he might be interested. Sure, that might have been difficult for him because young guys don’t like to take those kind of emotional risks for fear of rejection. But our sense is, you would have known. So now, when he says he really just wants to be friends, we think it’s clear that that’s exactly what he wants and nothing more.
The more pressing questions is: Do YOU think you can go back to just being friends? Or did the sex ruin it for you?
Honestly, if you can figure out a way to file your sexual tryst in the folder that says: “Stuff that Happens” and then go back to being friends, we think your friendship will be able to survive the detour. The point is, we don’t think it will be him that’s going to make things weird.
Finally, try not to let this get you down. Don’t focus on whether you’re hotter than his new girl. It’s not about that. And we’re confident he thinks you’re pretty, or cute, or hot. He just may be one of those rare young guys who actually care about more than looks. There aren’t many, so be happy to have one as a friend. Who knows. He might be able to give you good advice when you start dating other guys.
If you have any more questions, leave them as a comment below.