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I slept with my virgin friend; bad decision, and now I feel badly

Hey Guys,

Yeah I’m a guy and this is stupid but I have a lot in my mind and can’t seem to think of a good answer. I recently went out with a few friends to go drink and have a good time at the beach. We got pretty drunk and I ended up doing it with my homegirl. I feel badly because she was a virgin. I didn’t mean to do it but the beer got to me I guess. And well now she’s mad at me and hardly wants to talk now. She’s really special and fun but I don’t like her like that; I really just wanted to have fun not have sex. Ugh, please I don’t know what to do. The only thing I’ve come up with is letting my friends beat the crap out of me for being stupid, but I still don’t think that would change anything.

Any advice ?

Charlie

Charlie,

Thanks for your question. It certainly isn’t stupid. What would be stupid is letting your friends beat the crap out of you. That probably isn’t the best solution to this situation, or a solution at all.

First you need to understand why your friend is so mad at you. Here are some possibilities:

1. She wishes she saved herself for someone else. And she’s upset at herself, but taking it out on you.

2. She feels used by you. Mainly because she wants a relationship with you and realizes you don’t feel the same.

3. She now realizes that things are forever changed between the two of you and it makes her sad.

4. The experience didn’t live up to the fantasy she had in her mind. (Rarely does from our experience.)

So which is it? If we were betting guys we’d go with a combination of all of them, but more concentrated with #2. So you see Charlie, it’s not that you took her virginity, it’s that you don’t want anything more. She’s upset that you just want to go back to being friends. She doesn’t want that, otherwise she wouldn’t have slept with you in the first place.

So stop feeling guilty about the virginity piece and start feeling guilty about the using her piece. (We’re kind of kidding.) We know things happen, especially when there’s drink involved. All you can do now is be honest with her. Tell her that it was fun—make her feel good about the first time—but also tell her you don’t want to lose her as a friend, and how important she is in your life. In essence, by being with her, you’re afraid you’re going to lose her. (This is our interpretation of your note. We apologize if we’re missing something.)

Look Charlie, it’s clear you have a heart and a conscience. You’re going to make mistakes all throughout your life, but it’s best to face them straight on. And if your friends beat the crap out of you, you’re going to have a hard time looking her in the eye through the bandages. You can do this. You can make this right by being honest. And then try to be a supportive friend to her if she wants that.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Hey, let your friends know about us. Thanks! We’re happy to give our opinion on any other guy related questions.

 

she’s a big girl.

24 Comments on I slept with my virgin friend; bad decision, and now I feel badly

  1. This post really struck home with me and you are a good guy for caring about your friend and everyone makes mistakes. What the guys responded about telling her that you care about her friendship is the best advice. If she is anything like me shes feeling really sad about losing you right now, and probably misses just hanging out with you. If your heart is in the right place and you are open and kind to her I cant see how she could stay mad forever. This is my story for the guys I need some advice about how to deal with someone who doesnt care about their friend like this guy seems to.

    I have had feelings for one of my close guy friends for several years. I never really had any confidence to pursue it until about a year ago. During the summer we fooled around a couple times and I was fairly convinced that it all meant nothing to him despite the fact that he would hold me hand and kind of do sweet things that made me doubt it a bit. As soon as the summer ended he cut it off except to once drunkenly make out which he claimed not to remember. It was not until later that year that we ended up having sex and it was my first time. Although that didnt really matter that much to me, it was more the fact that it was with him than it being my virginity.
    Anyways afterwards he clearly had no intention of a relationship which I knew going into it (but a girl always will hope) but I accepted it. It was then that he started being really mean to me. He would make jokes about me that were really not funny and clearly showed me that he thought that something that meant a great deal to me was a complete joke. I explained that I didnt think the jokes were funny and that they hurt me to which he responded you should stay away from me im not good. That being said it was impossible to stay away from him as we share all the same friends. The worst part was that he would sometimes being really nice and thoughtful but other times he would be mean to me. So it was always stressful being around him ( especially if alcohol was involved) because I could never know who I was going to be dealing with. As time as has passed Ive lost the feelings I had for him but I am so sad about the loss of friendship. I never expected him to have a relationship with me and I wasn’t angry about that ,all I wanted was to be told that my friendship was valued and that he still cared about me. And that he was willing to talk maturely and fix the problem. I don’t like the thought that all he ever saw in me was someone to fuck and once he did he didn’t love me anymore. I am a really good friend and have done a lot to protect his feelings when ive known hes liked girls who don’t like him back so its a serious slap in the face that he wont even protect me from himself. It also made me very angry that he recently asked me to have sex with him again, knowing fully how I feel and having no intention of persevering my feelings. I guess my question is if it is at all worth it to try and fix this friendship ( and if so how ) or do you think he really just doesn’t give a shit about me. I just need the more objective view on the subject.

  2. @Emily……He gives a shit about you, but he’s not mature enough to handle the mix of emotions that he’s feeling. After he had sex with you he probably realized he didn’t feel for you, the way you felt for him. He felt badly about it, maybe embarrassed that he’d taken advantage of you, but instead of owning up to it he did the opposite. He made a joke about it, and then made some lame excuse that he’s no good. This is more about him than you. He’s got some growing up to do, and it’s going to take a while. We can understand your sadness, but honestly, trying to fix this friendship doesn’t seem worth it. He’s a project, one that could take years to finish. If you truly feel the need to tell him how you feel, why not write him a handwritten letter and mail it to him? (Don’t email and no text) And then see what kind of response you get. Maybe it’s hard to avoid him because you have mutual friends, but we think you need some space from him. And please don’t sleep with him again. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  3. Guess who it is…it’s me, Molly. 😀 It’s a different email I used the last time. I wrote a letter to one of the guys this past May. (Article: Age difference; how can I convince him to take me seriously?) Even though I remember the great advice you guys have given me, I am at that time of my life where another problem I feel is like a road block that needs to be destroyed so I’ll be able to move on. Since this past May, I continued with my life: going to work, hanging out w/ my crush (who I’m still friends with) when I have the time, checking out if there was any guys on the dating site who showed any interest in me. Well…a lot of stuff happened to me and there was a lot of changes I had to adjust to. Changes that I felt were good and bad.
    This past summer, I decided to give my virginity to my crush. It started one night when I was at his place and he began asking me if I had any luck getting a guy on the dating site. An honest girl I am, there was no luck. As a joke, I said he should be my first before another guy gets to me. He was shocked and surprised (again) that innocent Molly knew a dirty joke. I still can’t believe I told him a stupid and sick joke. But after a very, very long awkward silence and some thoughts, he agreed. Why? He said that we were both adults and since I was consenting to him, it would be okay. I should be mature with the choice I make because there was no turning back when it happens. There were conditions I had to follow:
    1) We keep it a secret.
    2) No one at his school should know what had happened.
    3) Don’t let this ruin our friendship.
    It was tough that he had those conditions, but I get the point why he did that. He was going through a lot when the summer began and also found out he was a father. When he was feeling down or sad, I’ll visit him and I was able to always make him smile and laugh. We decided to wait until I was ready. When I was ready, I slept with him and it hurt. I did expect the pain, but I felt like he was just sleeping w/ any other girl, not a virgin who didn’t know anything about sex. Later on, we became friends with benefit. After that, I felt there was no feeling. Nothing special he had to offer. When I wanted to go out and enjoy the night, we were back to his place again.
    Guys, this is what I meant by the change. I felt along the way I had lost a special friend. It wasn’t the same anymore. He was still nice to me, but I think he became more cautious of everything we did. Guys, was he just using me just for fun? Is it the issue of his age again? Or was I the problem that he avoided? It’s something that has bothered me this whole summer.
    Molly

  4. @Molly…..Nice to hear from you. Sorry it’s under these confusing circumstances. Sex changes every relationship. Sometimes it brings people closer together and sometimes it drives people apart. But it’s actually not the sex that is the cause. The sex reveals what was always there, or not there. In your case, everything came to a head. (No pun intended) The fact that he had terms ahead of time was a major red-flag, especially when he was all about keeping it a secret. Sure, you might be a consenting adult, but he knew that he was holding all the power, otherwise you never would have agreed to sleep with him. We don’t think he necessarily used you just for sex. He seemed to genuinely appreciate your friendship. But once sex was introduced, in his own words, “there was no turning back.” And that’s happened. This guy is not the guy for you. You might care for him a lot, but he’s a stepping stone to something much better for you. A stepping stone to someone who’s at the same life stage as you. Someone who, when you do have sex will, want you more, not less. Good luck. We’re pulling for you. Keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing and if we can help you with anything else. ps. Please let your friends know about us, and of course consider a small donation to THE GUYS. No amount is too small or too large. (Use PayPal buttons on right of every page.) All the best, good luck in the fall.

  5. Thanks for the advice, and I did try to write a letter a few weeks ago but could not bring myself to send it seemed like a weird thing to do and I was scared that he would show other people or just laugh at me or something. But if you think its a good idea I will try again to send it. I never thought that maybe he made a joke of it not because he thought I was a joke but because he didn’t know how to handle the situation. Makes a lot of sense and very enlightening. Oh and don’t worry there’s no chance of me ever having sex with him again, I value myself more than that. 😀

    Thanks again Guys
    Emily

  6. @Emily……Well, if he makes fun of you and shows it around then that’s his problem and shows how ridiculously immature he is. Hopefully he’ll treat it for what is is: a heartfelt private letter. Good luck. And please keep in touch and let us know how this turns out, and if you have any other news—hopefully good—in the future. Take care. Ask another question anytime.

  7. Hi,

    I just started a new relationship with a guy who is three years older than me. We’ve been going out for almost two months now and everything has been great. Our sex life is really good too. However, yesterday in the middle of the sex he suddenly couldn’t get hard, and he got really frustrated. We didn’t finish it because he was mad at himself I guess. I wasn’t giving him any pressure at all. I had a great time, and I told him that I had a good time. I couldn’t understand why he was this frustrated. He left right after we cleaned up. Was it normal like this for guys? I didn’t blame him at all. In fact, I enjoyed it a lot, and I told him that too. I don’t understand why he got so frustrated. Why would a guy get frustrated when he couldn’t get hard in the middle of the sex? It never happened before and our sex has been great. What should I do or what should I tell him to make him less frustrated if this happens again in the future? Thank you!

  8. @Tiffany……This is a really good question, and surprisingly, one we haven’t received before. He was frustrated for several reasons. 1. He couldn’t continue having sex. 2. He was embarrassed. This is not about you and what you can do differently, this is about him. That’s why when you told him you had a great time it didn’t help. That doesn’t mean you should stop saying that it just means that inside he’s feeling inadequate, annoyed, possibly scared that this might become a pattern, etc. The thing is, it’s normal for this to happen every once in a while. If it becomes a regular thing that’s a different matter. If that happens it could be either a blood flow issue which he should talk to his doctor about, or it’s psychological, which he should also talk to his doctor about. Or both since they’re sometimes connected. But let’s not jump the gun here. Hopefully this won’t get amplified into a big deal, and it won’t become a regular occurrence. As per your question: “What should I do, etc.?” Seems to us you did all that you can do. Reassure him that you had fun, and specifically that he’s a good/great lover, and don’t make a big deal about it. The male ego is fragile, especially when it comes to performance in the bedroom. Questions for you: Was there anything different about this time? and Did anything change in your relationship between this time and the time before? Meaning, did he learn something more about you, or your past, or did you take the relationship to another level, or did you have a serious talk about something, or?? Let us know and we’ll share some more thoughts with you. And definitely feel free to ask us as many more questions as you’d like. And keep us posted as this progresses. Good luck. ps. Please let your friends know about us, thanks!

  9. Hey guys,so i was fwb wth ths guy 4 lyke a month or so,..i decided i didnt want to be an fwb anymore i wanted us to change our relationship to a booty call (contact each other only when we want sex)but he said no, and broke off the whole fwb arrangement we had gng, my question is, why would a guy do that?did i mss somethng? i want him back but i don’t want to make contact first, what should i do?should i let him contact me first?or should i contact him?am sooo confused

  10. @Grace….We need a little more info than this. Were you two close friends before you embarked on FWB? Or were you just casual friends? What we’re trying to find out is what sort of relationship did you have before the sex began. (Did you date previously? Were you boyfriend and girlfriend for a time?) How did you meet this guy? How was the sex? These all weigh into our answer/opinion. Thanks. We’ll get back to you after we hear from you.

  11. Hey guys, we wre casual frnds, and had never dated before,we went to college 2gether and had lost touch for months and when we met we had both cme from bad break ups and were not ready to be in a relationship thats why we decided to be fwb, the sex was great! And he was gud company to hang out with by good company, i mean he was good to talk to and he used to make me laugh, when meeting 4 sex i always slept over and he never had a problem with that..the few days b4 he called it off, i thought he was acting strange by strange i mean he was being distant so i asked hm if he wanted us to review and change our fwb rules lyke no more sleep overs and he said i shld stop assuming he wants things to change, i still thought he was acting strange because he ddnt kss n hug me in the morning before he went to work like he always did so, i sent him a text and told hm i wanted us 2 change 2 booty call by tht i meant just sex no mre sleep ovas n talkng just plain sex,he said no and called off the whole fwb arrangement, i think he overeacted and i wld like to understand y he did that,did i do smething?what did i miss? Now i want hm bak bt i dnt want 2 contact hm 1st what should i do?

  12. @Grace…..We could be wrong, but it almost sounds like he called it off because he was feeling insecure, and that he really wanted things to stay as they were, or even go to the next level—an actual relationship—and once you toned things down a notch to a booty call arrangement—you were feeling insecure as well— he thought you weren’t as interested as him and decided to save himself some heartache and call the whole thing off. And this is the issue with FWB. Conflicts, hurt feelings. confusion, resentment all happens in this type of situation because of the very fact that nothing is really defined, except the parameters of sex. You mention he was starting to act distant. Is there anything more you can share about that? Usually when a guy starts acting distant it’s because he’s looking for a way out. But in some cases, possibly in this case, he started acting distant because he was reacting to what he thought you were feeling. (We’re judging that based on all his actions, and his comments to you like, “Stop assuming I want things to change.”) However, even if we’re wrong we still think you should try to meet up with him and talk this through. Maybe go for a walk, or sit down to some coffee or tea. Do it during the day away from the bedroom and your apartments. It’s time to come clean Grace, and tell him how you’re really feeling. Tell him you care for him beyond just sex, and that you’d really like to give things a go—a relationshp. And tell him the reason you took things down a notch was because you feared he was pulling away. What’s the worst that can happen? He’ll just say that he’s not interested in you anymore and that will be that. You won’t be worse off than you are now. But what happens if he tells you he’s feeling the same way you are? That would be a good thing, right? So go for it. Take the risk. At least you won’t have any regret. Nothing worse than that in this life. Your thoughts? Keep us posted as to what you decide to do. And ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. And you could help us out by spreading the word about our site to your friends, or on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, wherever. We appreciate it. Thanks!

  13. Thanx guys, its SCARY but al try and contact him,the problem is he’s realy arrogant and am scared he mght say smethng hurtful or embarassng 2 me.,bt hey whts the worst tht cld happen rght?

  14. @Grace…..He might. Or you could wait to see if he contacts you. Remember, if he’s mean to you, well, that just speaks to his character doesn’t it? Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

  15. Hey guys, so i contacted the guy and asked him why he called off the fwb thing he said that i wanted to fight with him and he didn’t have the energy for it..what did he mean by that? anyway i went ahead and told him i took the rltnshp a notch lower because i was protecting myself, i didnt want to get hurt, he didnt say anything about that…anyhow he said it was real and no hard feelings!what does that even mean?did he mean that it was completely over and there was no chance of anything ever happening btwn us?because thats what i gathered!

  16. @Grace…..We interpret his words as you do. That things are over, at least in his mind. And this is why it’s so difficult to know or predict what’s going on inside people’s heads. Sometimes they act a certain way to deflect what’s really going on. And like we said, his reaction seems to speak to where he’s at in his life. He doesn’t want to deal. And doesn’t want to put the effort into anything serious. It’s just where he’s at. Yes, he could be handling this better, and more clearly, but the message seems to be that he’s moving on. That’s his prerogative. (Although we would think that with your history, he would have been a bit more open and honest and caring about the whole situation.) We’re sorry. Sometimes these things unfold and you never really understand what happened. It’s best to move on and try to be open to new possibilities. And maybe in the future, you might want to think hard about entering a FWB arrangement. The potential for catastrophe looms large. Take care of yourself. And please share our site with friends. Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, etc. We’d appreciate it. And ask us another question anytime.

  17. thanks guys

  18. @Grace….You’re welcome. Take care of yourself and keep in touch. Let us know if we can help in the future.

  19. Hi guys!!!yeah its me again…..so please help me interpret this…i ignored the guy i was telling you about…and then he started making contact…so it’s like we’ve been talking bit by bit..what does it mean?what does he want from me?

  20. @Grace…..Ahh the chase. Guys chase women for three reasons. 1. Sex 2. Love 3. Conquest. We don’t see this situation going anywhere. He’s been back and forth for how long? Seems like a long time. He may be lonely, horny, who knows. But we think you’re going to see more of the same from this guy. What do you think?

  21. hhhmmmh.. i dnt knw….i wsh i ddnt like him this much….he hasnt brought up the sex yet..we’ve just been talking as friends..so u guys think its just a matter o time before he asks for sex huh??i dnt think i want just sex from him,,,if he’s not going to give me more than sex then al just keep on ignoring him..

  22. @Grace….Trust your gut on this Grace. What is it telling you? It just seems he’s going to keep doing his usual dance. Keep us posted.

  23. So I don’t regret what I did. I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it with him; or at least with who I thought he was. He turned out to be a big mistake, a big lie, and fake. We had had our thong, long ago, nothing that mattered so we both moved on, he dated her I kissed them and we remain as friends. Everything was great a few flirt looks every once in a while but still just friends. Despite he was my first kiss I was certain, sure enough that I only cared about him as a friend and nothing further. Then it happened. Prom night, after four college years. We both got drunk, he was a bit more than I was or maybe it was the other way around. I was conscious enough though. We danced, closer every time. We kissed. It felt so right. We left to his room, we kissed all the way up. I told him he had been my first kiss. He said : “I want to be your first everything”. Like out of that Spanish movie. I wanted to be with him, there was no doubt about it. We made love. It hurt but he was soft and kissed me all the way. He stopped whenever I asked him to. It truly hurt, but it didn’t matter. It got late, I asked him to walk me back to my room, he gave his coat and we went out. We reached our room and he left. He did not call the next day. I saw him on the dance floor that night, he was with some chick, but not even dancing like we were, clearly not interested on her. He did not ask me to dance, he didn’t even say hi. I was invisible. The next day I was still in so much pain, even walking gave me cramps. Still, no sign of him.
    On Monday I saw him online on Facebook, I started the chat. He said he was tired, I told him I wanted to talk to him, or at least to whom I thought was left of him. But he did not call, he did not care. I was not expecting from him to propose after one night, not even a date as horrible as it might sound. I wanted to be with him. He had always been a good friend and I thought a good person as well. He seemed to be a gentleman so I figured I did wanted to be with him. But he didn’t care. I thought we would at least for our current friendship or the past crush we had on each other but he did not. I thought I knew who he was but he was plain and simple, predictable just like any other man. That one night he even said the words “I love you, I have always loved you and I am sorry for all that happened before, I love you”. As for me, I was naive enough.
    So I don’t regret what I did, because when I did it, that night he still was the man I thought he was. I don’t hate him, He is just painful, disappointing… I feel used and stupid, he was just a big error. Such is life, at least I have learned that trust leads to pain I will take care of my heart next time. Sweet words wont work anymore. I am done.
    So what do you guys think?? HELP… I was so proud of being a virgin and i screwed that up… now my heart must get screw up too?

  24. @Andie……First of all, not all guys are like this. Really what we’re saying is, don’t let this experience completely dictate your actions from now on. Sure it’s good to be cautious but there is such as thing as being overcautious. Here are a few things to consider. 1. The guy should be taking you out on proper dates before you consider sleeping with him. 2. Alcohol can severely impact your ability to make smart decisions. 3. What a guys says BEFORE sex is usually anything he can to get sex. (That’s why sex should be part of an actual relationship, NOT some drunken, fun night.) 4. Finally, don’t beat yourself up over this. Learn from this and move on.

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