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I want more with her than FWB

Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice on Friends with Benefits

Dear Guys,

I am a guy too and I need help!

I had this FWB thing for like a month with a really nice woman. We had a really great 1st date and I never expected it would turn into a FWB thing. I wanted more. I kissed her on the 1st date and she liked it. That same evening she started messaging me and wanted to come over and I invited her and it turned into an amazing night. Since then we have been hooking up casually. I like her alot.

About a week ago she bailed out on me. We have had talks about relationships and she did mention me that she didn’t want anything serious. She even asked me if I was dating and such. One night she alerted me that this is going to end soon and that I should prepare myself.

I am going out of my mind right now. I like her a lot and I never wanted this to end. I don’t want to lose her. I want to talk to her and I miss her company because we had nice conversations and we had lots in common and she suddenly became cold and left.

What can I do ? I am planning to wait for about month or so and then contact her and see if she’d be open to restarting things. I really like this woman!!

John

Dear John,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sure many of our readers can empathize with how you’re feeling, since it’s usually the woman who wants a Friends with Benefits arrangement to evolve into something deeper.

You don’t mention how old she is or what’s going on in her life. Is she single? Divorced? Does she have kids? Is she in her 20s, 30s, 40s, older? The reason we ask is because it sounds like her life-stage is factoring into this equation. Obviously she is attracted to you or she wouldn’t have had sex with you. So something else is holding her back.

The key for you is to figure out what that is. Since you didn’t give us a lot of background info we can only guess as to what that might be. Is she focused on school? Is she worried about finances? Is she dealing with an ex? Is she trying to support kids? Is she recently single and just not looking for a relationship right now?

Of course, some of what’s going on could just come down to bad timing unfortunately. Your best bet is to give her some space and then contact her and see if she wants to get together. Maybe do something different like get tickets to a concert, or to the theater, or whatever she might like. The goal is to have fun together, which in turn, may relax her, and make her realize that you have potential beyond the bedroom.

We hope it works out for you. If you have any follow-up questions or thoughts, please leave in the comments’ section below. (You must be Logged In to do so but it’s easy.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll spread the word about our site. Thanks!

 

22 Comments on I want more with her than FWB

  1. Hey thanks for answering! Yes she is 21 years old. She told me she had broken up with her BF about 8 months ago. She did tell me that she didnt want anything serious right now and that she doesnt only want to be with me
    She wants other people in her life too. She kinda left me cold. She said we had really nice time together and she left me because she wanted to move on. She is single. She just told me goodbye and just gave up on everything we had. I felt like we had connection and we did have a lot in common. I still have her number but i am not contacting with her. I would want to again but at some point. Is there any point in still pursuing her and showing her i am willing to work to earn her? What can you advice me?

  2. @John…..There are likely two possible reasons she moved on. 1. She never saw you as someone she wanted to get serious with. So she’s no longer interested. 2. She needs to explore, get some things out of her system. Then she might be open to you at some point……Since it’s difficult to say which one is going on, what we’d suggest is from time to time, reach out to her with a friendly text/message. If she responds, then maybe flirt a little. See what happens. If you don’t get a response or you get a response and it’s not favorable, then give her some space and try again at a later time. Of course, the one issue with this approach is you don’t want her to feel as if you’re stalking her. So you have to use your own discretion. We know you really like her, but if she isn’t open to a relationship, you’re going to have to just wait and see. She should not be your primary focus however, more like a backup plan. Get out there and date some more. See if you can get your mind off her. Think of her as someone cool that may come around at some point, but also may not. The other option: Just move on and focus your efforts on meeting someone who is more open to a relationship with you. You might not find that on Tinder, or other hookup apps.

  3. Thank you Guys! You really helped me now. You guys are great. I will try this approach from time to time.

  4. @John….You’re welcome. Good luck.

  5. Guys, What is the time frame, when you said time to time to connect with her? Is it like from months to months or years to years? Or how long? Theres a womans day coming up and i dont know if its a good idea to call her up or something. Thanks again for your help guys!

  6. @John….Based on what’s transpired between the two of you, the “out of the blue” approach will work best. It seems that right now she’s not that open to you. So we don’t think she’ll be that receptive to a message from you in the next week or so. But maybe in a month? Early April perhaps, when the two of you have had some space. Keep in mind John that you want to contact her from a place of strength, almost as if you didn’t care. Does that make sense? If you contact her now she’ll know that you want her back desperately. And we get it. We understand where you’re coming from, but it won’t work. Once again, we suggest you get yourself out there and try to meet some other people. Who knows, you might even be surprised. If you had some other irons in the fire, you’ll be much calmer and cooler when you reach out to her in the future.

  7. Hey guys! How do i initiate the conversation with the girl after a month of no contacting her? And is there any possibility that we may restart from our 1st date even if we have been FWB and slowly try to show her i want more? What if she denies me or doesnt want to see me, should i just give up?

  8. @John……Just send her a text that’s open ended and see how she responds. If you can engage her in a conversation then maybe it will go somewhere…..possibly get together? However, if she doesn’t respond, or only responds with a few words, then maybe just consider that a good first step, and give it another few weeks before you reach out again…..Please note: We know you really want this girl back, but if she doesn’t respond favorably after a few attempts it might be time to move on. See how it goes and let us know. Good luck!

  9. So guys. I recontacted her. She seemed a little dry. I mean, she only kind of answered if i asked her otherwise she wouldnt say anything. I started with saying ” Hey, how have you been?” She replied, ” hey, its fine, how are you?” And then i moved on with trying to open her up a little. I asked how her dancing is? She said it was good its good. Then i said like I stumbled upon a step up the movie scene on youtube as i was listening to music and that i remembered her. She then replied by saying Oh ok, cool with a smiley. I one time accidentally pressed follow her on instagram and she noted this to me by saying that she noticed that i followed her and then unfollowed her and she asked me why? She then told me i can follow her if i want becauze her profile is open. However, i ended up the conversation by saying ” well… it was nice catching up with you. Im gonna go to sleep because i got exam tomorrow.Talk to ya later!” She then replied only with good luck. So what do you think ? She used to show me much more interest in conversation than that. What do you guys think?

  10. @John…..It doesn’t sound bad, just kind of neutral. So tell us: How did you initiate getting together with her before? And remind us: How many times did you actually hook up with her before she cooled off?

  11. Okay cool. Well before i only talked to her casually.. She actually asked me, when am i going to ask her out lol. Then i did and we went for coffee this was actually in January. After the first date we met we hooked up the same night and had great sex. After that we started to hook up if i remember quite often like 2-3 times a week until the end of February. We always had lots of good sex.But right now after recontacting her… i still havent asked her to get together yet. I think i will get her out to bowling tonight and have fun… You guys think this could respark and bring our good time memories back? Maybe i should try take her home with me the same night or take it slow?

  12. @John……It’s a 50/50 proposition that you’ll be able to reignite the spark. Obviously it’s up to her. That said, we might play it cool for a week or so and then ask her out to go bowling. That might make it feel more casual to her, and not feel like as much pressure. Basically, try to act as if you don’t care if anything happens. Of course John, keep in mind that these sorts of “dating games” don’t always work out. (We hope that your case is the exception!) Good luck.

  13. Hey guys. I tried asking her out to bowling and to have good fun time as 2 people who once enjoyed each others company as i told her this way. She still refused my offer. She said to me that she respected that i am not giving up on her but then she said that she doesnt want to repeat herself what she has said before in not wanting to date. She said we cant even be friends because sex complicates things and she has new chapter. She got mad and said to me to delete her number and stop contacting her. After all i treated her good. This is what i get in return?.I dont know what i should do. I guess this is it?

  14. @John….We’re sorry. You should feel really good about going for what you want. She’s right. Most guys might have given up a while ago. However, at this juncture we agree that it seems to be time to move on. Wish we could tell you otherwise but it’s now important for you to listen to her request. She asked you to stop contacting her and you now should respect that. Our best piece of advice moving forward is to learn whatever you can from this, and then use some of your gumption on the next possibility. Take care John. And come back any time if you need to talk through another situation. ps. One request. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. It would be nice to have more men visiting the site!

  15. Hey guys! I got news. Its about the same girl that used to be my FWB. Now after a while of no contact with her, she sent me 2 days ago late at night a message. She said hello and I replied to her with ” Hi?” because i was surprised and i thought maybe it was wrong message to me because shes the one who told me not to contact her and delete her whatever. I knew she wanted something. So she was trying to ask me something but she hesitated and kind of backed off few times explaining that it is wrong to do that and she didnt want to ask anymore. So i replied with ” right.”

    Well after like 15 mins she sent me again a message explaining what she wanted. She said to me like how she must have missed our nights together that night although her mind is telling her that this is wrong bit her body, she then said how she wanted me around that night but didnt know if i was in town or not because i was traveling and i came back that night. I was so surprised, Why me ? I thought she already has some other guys and has forgotten me. I said that to her but she told me that lets not talk about this and its just physical.

    Well then I asked her what did she want from me ? She said she wanted one night stand, well I told her fine lets do it then and I have changed and I over all the sweet shit i used to do to her.

    When she came over, She was so nice to me… Like it confused me. She greeted me with kiss. She asked how I was doing and how everything is going. We talked a little like we used to before like nothing happend between us. Well we ended up making out and hit the sheets and she stayed over for the night. You know when shes sleepin with me she cuddles and hugs me like a gf would do. I dont get it… I am confused. In the morning we had sex like many times. and we chilled and I asked her like are we cool now ? She said yes and i made like pinkie promise and she did it with me. Its like nothing happend between us i dont get it.

    She left home then. At the same day in the evening she sent me again a message asking what i was doing. I told her i was just chilling. She said then that she was near my house because she was skating outside and started raining alot and she was wet and if she could come over for an hour or so. Well she ended up staying for the night. We watched a movie and chilled. in the morning we had sex again. it was great. I have nice balcony here too and she wanted to get on it to watch the view so i took her there and she took selfies and i took photos of her too and she took a photo of me too in her phone but she never sent it to me. I told her that i once did a dinner on the balcony in summer time at night with all candle lights there and she then asked me to invite her one day when its warm to the balcony.

    Can you guys explain anything from this to me ? Why she picked me ? Sounds to me she hasnt had sex with anyone and she wanted me or something.. I am afraid to message her just casually.

  16. @John…..Sounds like she missed you and that surprised her. And that she probably respected you for having the confidence to keep pursuing her even when she wasn’t interested. And the fact that you respected her wishes to stop contacting her. All of that gave her a warm feeling inside…and MORE! Here’s what we suggest: Be cool. Let her lead for a bit. This may just be a quick fling it may not but if you start getting all excited it could end. See if this continues for a few weeks, maybe a month. If it does, then maybe you can start texting her at that point and taking some initiative. Right now, just enjoy it for what it is because it sounds nice. DON’T OVER THINK THIS!!

  17. I hope so, its been 3 days now without any contact from her. But i am also thinking that maybe this was just one night stand and thats all. We´ll see. I was really surprised because i thought she was with other guys. i dont know. I was really happy to see her.

    Thank you again !

  18. @John…..Keep us posted. Good luck!

  19. Hey Guys! Obviously this girl is putting effort. Last night she sent me a message asking if i had any plans. I said i havent done any plans yet. She was studying for an exam alone at home and she asked me if she could come over to my place to study because she doesnt want to be alone at home. She also spent the night again. Shes the one making first moves here and i am giving her space until she reaches out to me.

    But theres this feeling, How do I know shes not using ? IF i was a backup to her, why would she do all this effort and shes hanging out with me lately pretty much. She even responds positively to my txt messages, not like before when she told me off.

    Sorry guys for bothering too much 😀 Thanks alot guys really!

  20. @John……We enjoy helping you out. (We just ask that you let your friends know about us.) There are two ways to look at your situation. 1. Just enjoy it. Who cares if she’s using you. Obviously she enjoys your company. Wants to have sex. Seems open to you. Ride the wave as long as you can dude! 2. Proceed forward but look to see if there’s an opening to try to take things to the next level. Or at least have a conversation about it. Either way of looking at it seems pretty positive. That said, we know you’re really into this girl. So if you can’t go with option #1, then proceed forward with what you’re doing—it seems to be working!! Warning: DO NOT do anything different anytime soon. Do what you’re currently doing for at least another month or so. (Hopefully things will continue this way.)

  21. Do you give advice to men only or women too?

  22. @Tina…..Almost primarily women. Go to our site, https://www.theguysperspective.com and read about the different ways to ask a question. We answer questions in the comments section on Thursday mornings. Also, if you have a question that’s in-depth, or private, or you need a fast response, select, Ask a Private Question option. (Yes, there is a fee, so read testimonials on our Relationship Coaching page to see what people think of our advice/coaching. Hope this helps.

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