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If he loves me then why did he break up?

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Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend just broke up with me today. We’ve been together for ten months and in the first half of the relationship he was so sure about me, saying I was the girl he’s going to marry and that no one has ever treated him so well, and all that jazz.

Over the course of the relationship weird and strange things have come up making me seek clarification (ie. Girls heavily flirting and buying him gifts, a pair of girls shorts, stuff like that). I don’t believe he’s actually ever cheated though.

Anyhow, we see each other much during the week and I’d stay over most nights. Around a month ago he said he was having doubts and that’s he’s unsure and that he doesn’t feel he loves me as much as he should. That totally came out of left field. He asked to take it back the next day.

Now a month later, a day after making Christmas date plans, he said he was still having these doubts. He said he cares for me but just doesn’t know what’s going on in his mind anymore as one day he’s super into it and the next he’s confused. So as a result, he ended it with me so as not to keep stringing me along.

My question is: What makes a guy confused especially when things were so good? I just don’t get this.

Rose

Dear Rose, 

We are sorry. This sounds hard. We hope you’re surrounding yourself with people who care about you.

Sometimes confusion stems from a feeling. We don’t doubt that things were good as you say, but something must have been missing for him. It’s hard for us to say what that was, but it was something. What’s even more confusing is that he might not be able to articulate what it is, which of course, leaves you even more confused.

What’s important to note here Rose, is that it may seem like this all came out of left field, but that’s not how this works. We’ll explain. He brought up his doubts for the first time a month ago. This means he had been having doubts for quite sometime, he just hadn’t said anything to you. This is a pretty common pattern. See below.

  1. Guy has doubts.
  2. He misbehaves a little. (Flirts with other women. Etc.)
  3. He expresses doubts hoping that by expressing them, he’ll be able to put them aside.
  4. He takes it all back, still hoping he can overcome them.
  5. Doubts continue.
  6. Break up.

What we would suggest is that you take some time to focus on yourself and not rush into something new. We wish you all the best.

Do you have any follow-up questions? Leave in the comments below.

Take care,

THE GUYS

Read more relationship and dating advice about Breaking Up

4 Comments on If he loves me then why did he break up?

  1. I have been talking to this girl for about a month and we were good friends for about a year and we tried this before and it didn’t work out so well due to peer pressure. But now we were trying a long distance relationship which we were both fine with and when we met in real life twice since we started talking it was going great.she says that she was comfortable but she has this odd feeling that this is not right and she’s using it to decide this possible relationship. What do I do?

  2. @Diogenes…….We need a little more info. 1. How old are both of you? 2. What do you mean by peer pressure? 3. How far is the long distance? 4. What does she mean by an odd feeling? 5. What exactly do you mean by “what do I do?”

  3. 1.we are both 18.2.we tried before but it was because of peer pressure that all of our friends wanted us to be together because we were always hugging and stuff like that for about a year but this time we both wanted this.3.the long distance is about 5 hours because I goto school in NY and she goes to school in new Hampshire.4.she has had a weird feeling that we are better off friends but she said she was comfortable with this and when I asked she said if she didn’t have this feeling this would work out.as a kid people have neglected her feelings and now she feels like she should trust it this time.5. Is there anything I can do to fix this. Can I convince her that the feeling will go away and that this can still work. Plus we’re are both pretty stubborn people.I think she is not used to being treated right because all her past relationships were bad and she got cheated on some of them.but this one has been going pretty good and she has said it herself but she’s using this feeling to decide everything and she’s said there’s no other reason but that feeling.

  4. @Diogenes……Thanks for filling us in. Sounds like you both might be freshman in college. Correct? That said, is it possible that her “weird” feelings stem from her wanting to be single at the moment? The thing is, it’s very difficult to sustain a long distance relationship during college, especially the first year. We get the sense that she’s not articulating how she really feels. Here’s our suggestion: You can’t force this. The more you try to convince her to be with you, the further you’ll push her away. But if you keep in touch with her, and make your interactions more fun and light-hearted, it’s possible, come next summer when the two of you will be back in the same town, that she’ll realize she actually does have feelings for you. And then you can try again then. What do you think?

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