I’m not comfortable with having sex

Dear Guys,

Ive been dating this guy for about a month and he has asked me to be his girlfriend a few times. The reason I have said no is because I’m not 100% sure if he is the one for me. I figure we just need to get to know each other more for me to decide if that is what I want.

But my question is, I know he is talking about sex later on, and I know for 100% that in the relationship at one point, he wants to do it. But the thing is, after my last boyfriend, sex is the last thing on my mind.And I really do not want to do it again for a while. But I’m scared if we do start going out and we don’t have sex, that he will get bored and cheat on me. Even though if he says it’s okay not to have sex, I’m still scared he will cheat on me. I haven’t told him how I feel yet because I don’t know what to do. Please help

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question.

You have a legitimate concern, and believe us, you’re not alone in your concern about this issue. Yes, if you start going out he will want to have sex with you. That’s normal, typical, and something that people do when they’re in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean it’s a requirement. What is a requirement is you being comfortable and happy. You shouldn’t feel scared to tell a guy you’re not ready to have sex. And you should only do things that you feel totally comfortable with and sure about.

However, here is something to keep in mind. Right now you’re feeling nervous, scared, apprehensive about a relationship and sex. Those feelings are based on the last guy you went out with and whatever experiences you had with him, which obviously weren’t positive. But you might be surprised. If you decide you like this person enough to give a relationship a try you might find that your initial fears fade away. And that he’s a very different person than your last boyfriend.

The key here is talk to him about how you feel. The right guy won’t run away, or cheat on you, if and when you express your concerns. (As long as you also express how you feel about him and that you care about him, etc.) The right guy will want do everything in his power to make you feel comfortable and happy. And what may happen Ashley, is that once you realize this guy is different than your last, you might change your mind about the physical aspect of the relationship.

Since we don’t know this guy personally we can’t say what his intentions are so we’re not saying he’s the perfect guy. We don’t know really, and that’s for you to judge. (Best to trust your gut on that, and consult friends or others that know him. Watch our videos on those topics. Check these out: Listen to your friends or Getting Played/Trust your gut.) But, in order to have fulfilling relationships in your life you need to try and stay open and judge each person one at a time, otherwise your baggage is going to get in the way of you being happy.

Lastly, we just want to reiterate: You should never feel forced into doing something you don’t want to do. You opening up should be on your timeline only. Hopefully he’ll understand that if you choose to give this a try.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you? We’d love to hear your thoughts. (Leave it in the comments section below.) And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

8 Comments on I’m not comfortable with having sex

  1. Dear Guys,
    I met an international entertainer a few weeks ago and there was an instant attraction for both of us. We hung out once before he left and realised that we were very comfortable with each other. He was pretty honest about his life and made it clear that he like me. We both expressed interest in getting married one day and he wasnt ready for that right away. I feel the same way.

    So he left and I didnt hear from him foor about 2 wks cuz he was traveling for work. Verified on facebook. I left a message to say hi and then another with my bb pin when i got a blackberry. Soon after he sent a fb friend request and added me to his bb. We recently started chatting on bb and he stated that he wouldnt add me if he didnt like me. He also showed interest when I told him he was invited to my bday celebration. He is spending time with his kids right now and so I dont want to bother him too much, but he doesnt intitiate conversation, although he will chat once I start talking.

    He is visiting soon to do a gig on my request and will stay at a hotel. I plan to take him around and show him my country. It would be a good time to get to know him better too.

    How can we have fun when he is here without sex being an issue especially since I`m newly single from a 7 yr messy relationship? How can I get to know him better now before he comes on bb without being a push over . Should I wait for him to initiate conversation since I`ve been doing it so far? How do I know he is not a player?

    I need your help. I don`t want to mess this up.

  2. @Ivy…..Just keep in mind who you’re dealing with. Or rather, what he does for work. You say he’s an international entertainer, which means he’s traveling all of the time and meeting new people all of the time; and some of these people are women. We’re not saying he’s not interested, but it’s way too soon to know what he’s up to, if he’s a player, and how interested he really is. First you can start letting him initiate. He’s probably used to women pursuing him, so why not let him be the one. That will give you an indication of how interested he is. Adding you to Facebook doesn’t say anything. He could be just adding another fan. (We’re just trying to show you this from an outsider’s perspective.) If/when he visits just don’t go up to his hotel after you have some drinks, or late at night. It won’t be an issue if you just avoid it. Go out on the town, show him around your city, have a good time, but when the evening’s over, it’s over. We’re not saying you should play hard to get, but he should understand that you’re not just some adoring fan who wants a fling, but you’re someone who is interested in a long term relationship, if not more. Ivy, you’re not going to mess this up. If it doesn’t work out it won’t be because of something you did, it will be more about the circumstances of his life, clashing with yours. So have fun and see where this goes, and then check back with us once you have more information. Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. And speaking of Facebook. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  3. Hi Guys,

    I’m into a guy who said he’s “probably not up for anything serious right now,” and unfortunately we have different definitions of “serious.” For him (as with most people), I assume he means he’s cool with hooking up but not so keen on being an exclusive couple.

    As for me, “not serious” means “probably no sex unless we’re exclusive.” I’m a rape survivor and it takes me a little longer than some other women to become comfortable with a man. I know that’s not exactly the kind of relationship he says he’s looking for at the moment, but it’s worth hanging out with him to figure it out, right? We have a lot of fun together and I’m definitely interested, that’s just my personal policy given my background. What frustrates me is that it’s not my stubbornness that’s holding me back, it’s legitimate trust issues stemming from trauma.

    My real trouble is this: I told him up front on our third date that I’m a rape survivor, and I’m afraid that turned him off to me entirely. He took it well and in stride, we still had a good time that night and made out afterward, but I didn’t go back to his place with him when he invited me. I don’t think he’s a big enough douche to run for the hills because he thinks I’m “damaged goods,” but I do worry that he thinks I have baggage that will make me not worth spending time with as I get more comfortable with him. We both want the same thing, just at different speeds.

    I regret telling him because I’m quite into him and would be incredibly disappointed if my least favorite part of my life ruined a potentially great thing. Since that last date, it’s been a few days and we still chat and see each other, but I’m having a lot of trouble reading him. Considering how freaked out he COULD have been by my confession, he doesn’t seem completely turned off. I just don’t know what to make of the situation. What do you think? Did I make a mistake by being too honest too soon? Should I offer to talk about it again or could that just potentially freak him out more?

  4. @Jane…….When did he say he’s “probably not up for anything serious right now”? Was this before you told him? (It sounds like it. ) Or after? Fill us in.

  5. That was prior to me telling him, when we were making plans to hang out. We’ve had a couple conversations about where we are in terms of relationships, and we both just got out of pretty long-term ones. For him, it was four years, though I don’t know exactly when or how it ended.

  6. @Jane…Well that’s better than after wouldn’t you say? We get the sense that the two of you aren’t on the same page, and maybe weren’t from the beginning. You sharing about your traumatic experience only made that more clear in his mind. So yes, we think you may have shared the information too soon, but we don’t think that necessarily altered his thinking, more confirmed how he already felt. Our advice: We know you probably want to be honest and share all about yourself, but that experience—you being raped—does not necessarily come into play until you choose to let it come into play. There are a lot of things that people don’t tell one another, especially early on. (We’re not talking STDs or anything like that.) We’re talking questionable choices that don’t accurately reflect where the person is at currently. Example: Like someone choosing an abusive partner in the past. Maybe they chose this person out of weakness, but they are no longer that same weak person. Does this make sense? Take care and keep us posted.

  7. Dear guys: Please can you give me some advice. This guy I met at my uni seemed really nice and funny and was friends with some of my friends. we met on a night out at my student union (my uni is tiny and and the only place everyone goes for a night out is the student union)

    SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR THIS BEING SO LONG BUT PLEASE READ IT ALL IF YOU CAN :)

    So we texting a little then he just wouldn’t make any effort at all, then when I did see him drunk at the student union I’d have to go and say hi to him first. I then I found out he was sleeping with/seeing a different girl anyway so I decided to give up and not bother. Then last week i got very drunk, saw him at the end of the night, was chatting and he offered to walk me home, in my drunken state i said yes, which of course was a very bad idea because he had made no effort and clearly thought I was just after sex. I knew that he wanted and was now expecting sex and which i wasn’t going to give because I’m not comfortable with having it unless I’m in a relationship where I 100% trust the guy. so anyway we got back and had walked in the pouring rain and I felt awkward so I said to him as I knew he lived far from my house he was welcome to stay and sleep in my bed but I wasn’t going to have sex with him. He then acted like thats not what he was after etc etc , but of course was then ;’trying it on’ for hours! not in a forceful way but in a persistent way! He was kissing and touching me, and I don’t know if i was just too drunk and/or nervous but I wasn’t really doing anything back apart from kissing! and then I think he was getting very confused because I was enjoying it one minute and then not the next because i was getting nervous of it going too far and got freaked out but was trying to play it cool and pretending I couldn’t for different reasons but the honest one. If that makes any sense!?

    So, after several hours of him trying and us just kinda rolling about in the bed, (I guess I was being a massive tease unintentionally!?) I then said I needed to sleep, so he said ok and we went to sleep, but we spooned. In the morning, he couldn’t have made a faster exit, we woke up, he went I’m going to go to my lecture jumped out the bed put his clothes on while asking me the fastest route to uni and then gave me a peck on the cheek and left. He then didn’t text me at all, now I didn’t expect him too, I hoped he would but I knew he’s probably be a bit annoyed I didn’t sleep with him. I then found out he had told his friend (who is my housemates boyfriend) that if anyone asked, he had stayed at his and that nothing happened with me and so clearly didn’t want anyone to know he had come back to mine.

    ANYWAY, SO, a couple nights ago I was out and saw him, I then was hoping he’d come and say hey to me but he didn’t, almost felt like he was avoiding me,and I was already feeling nervous and went and said hi to him, we then chatted for a min (I was drunk again!) and he then basically did a hand gesture almost ‘shooing’ me away, basically obviously wanting me to go away and just not interested anymore, piss off. Thinking he was joking tried to laugh it off and then was saying something else and he then did it again, but he was smiling when he was doing it and it made me feel so humiliated, so I went to walk off and he then touched my arm and said ‘don’t be upset, i was only joking’ and I just don’t know if i he was or not :/. This really hurt and upset me so I made an excuse to leave but acting all smiley and nonchalant so he didn’t know he had upset me. we haven’t spoken since and I still feel down about it because I felt so disrespected when I just wanted to be friends with him because as much as I (do/did) like him I know he doesn’t want a relationship and I do , so to save myself from hurt I just wanted him to be normal and friendly.

    Everyone I asked said that he was probably trying to ‘reject me’ or damage my ego like I did to him by not sleeping with him no matter how he hard he tried in the bed to make me want to and was trying to make me feel embarrassed like he did when I wouldn’t sleep with him. But didn’t want to seem like a complete asshole so then said ‘don’t be upset I’m joking’ ? and now I just don’t know what to do because i know i will see him all the time around uni and I don’t want it to be really awkward and have to avoid bumping into him which is impossible at my uni!

    SORRY THIS IS ALL SO LONG WINDED, BUT PLEASE HELP ME OUT, EVEN IF ITS BRUTAL HONESTY ID RATHER KNOW THE TRUTH SO I KNOW WHAT TO DO, ALTHOUGH ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO/HOW TO HANDLE IT NOW WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

    THANKYOU

  8. Hi…My question isn’t about guys per say… It’s more about me. I have never had anything “scaring” happen to me, thank goodness, but I have only ever been able to get to the down and dirty while drunk. I’ve met guys that I like, that I think I might want to be with, but I am unable to bring myself to be comfortable with it. I don’t know if it’s mental, if it’s because I don’t know what to do, or if I am self-conscious of my body. Is there a way to make sure I have nothing to worry about?…you know, during sex?

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