Intimacy and Sex: Context is Everything

An Excerpt from our upcoming e-book…..

Let’s start with a hypothetical question:

What’s it called when your boyfriend cuddles with you, holds your hand, kisses you tenderly, listens to you talk about your work, plays video games with your kid brother, compliments your dad’s cooking, talks politics with your mom and charms your friends with his humor?

Depending on the context this could just as easily be called love, as it could be called FOREPLAY. Which brings us back to the title of this chapter: Context is Everything

These behaviors within the context of a committed relationship are part of a bigger picture with deeper emotional connections built over time, through shared values, respect, trust and love. Physical intimacy is a guy’s way of connecting with someone he loves, but only within the context of a committed relationship.

These behaviors outside the parameters of a committed relationship are all about sex, and usually devolve into what we call “arrangements” rather than relationships. These arrangements have different names that you’re probably familiar with. FWB (Friends with Benefits), Booty Call, F-Buddies, Hook Ups.

For example: If you’re in a purely physical arrangement, proposed by your guy, let’s say a Friends with Benefits situation, and you’re wondering if he’s catching feelings for you because all of a sudden he’s cuddling with you, or going out with your friends, you need to revisit this statement. Context is Everything. If he wanted more than a purely physical relationship he would have proposed it from the get go. We know this can be very confusing and this is one of the most frequently asked questions on our site. “Will my Friends with Benefits “relationship” ever evolve into something more meaningful? To that we say, sure, it’s possible, but it rarely happens. Most of the time it ends up crashing and burning into a heap of confusion, anger and resentment.

Why does this happen? Can’t a man fall in love slowly over time? Yes, some men can, but for most, the answer is NO. Why? Because for the typical guy, assessment happens the moment he meets a woman. Right from the start he’s compartmentalizing her into one of five categories. Maybe this seems shallow and base, but primal instincts take over in the oh-so-important game of passing on the blood line.

Next: The Five Categories….

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5 Comments on Intimacy and Sex: Context is Everything

  1. Hey I’m back,

    So a guy friend of mine started to address me and tell me he loves me. But I would never give him a chance. He knows that I’m trying to sustain until marriage. But, he asked me to stay the night with him and informed him that I don’t think that a good ideal because I don’t want anything to happen. Long story short, I stayed the night and things started to happen, kissing touching and I ended with a hickey on my neck. I felt bad and I told him that. So a couple of days later I asked him to tell me how he really feels. He told me that he feels like he doesn’t want me to get attached to him. I thought he didn’t want to hurt me but he told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship which I totally agree
    With but he’s sending me the wrong signs whenever you’re slapping my ass, kissing my lips and then trying to touch my private area. What’s up with my friend? I don’t want to lose him but I need to know what is up! By the way we’ve been friends since high school.

  2. @Lex…..Sounds like he’s just woken up and realized that you’re a beautiful young woman, not just his friend. But this is just his hormones talking. Otherwise he’d be treating you differently, wanting to take you out, buying you gifts, etc. His actions seem all about sex. What do you think?

  3. How do I ask my guy friend if we can have a fwb friendship? We get along well and had a one night stand. It was fun and I don’t see us falling for each other. We both have been burned by our long term relationships ending and confided in one another after we hooked up. I think the experience will help us both while having fun.

  4. @Tina…..Typically we don’t recommend FWB, just because they are ripe for confusion, and usually end up with someone getting hurt. (Most often the woman.) That said, it may just happen organically. If you already had a one-night stand, it’s more than likely it will happen again, or you could create the scenario for it to happen again. Hang at your place? Movie? etc. You get the idea. If/when it does, then maybe you bring up the topic then? What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. You might want to read our e-report on Friends with Benefits before you decide.

  5. @All the Women out THere…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

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