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Is a guy able to be in a relationship with one woman without getting bored or without cheating?

Dear Guys,

I am a girl who is afraid to “put my guard down.” Even though you guys really say men are simple, they really aren’t. I am afraid to give my all in a relationship. Reason being is all men check out other women, fantasize about them, and so on and so forth. Not only that, but men NEED sex. Which even though I give my man sex (since I love it just as much as him) I’m scared he will get tired of doing it just with me and cheat. He claims to really love me and after two years of dating the connection is still there but I can’t truly believe him. He says I’m the best he’s ever had but in my head I’m thinking that if somebody better comes along, I’m history.

So I want to know two things: Will a man eventually get tired of having sex with the same woman? Or does a man actually have the potential to love like you see in romance movies?

Missy

Dear Missy,

Thanks for your question. We understand your concern.

It’s not just men who stray because of boredom. Sex can get stale for both people in a relationship. In fact it’s very natural after a year or so, for what at first was amazing and mind-blowing, to become ordinary and routine. Effort is required from both sides to sustain an exciting sex life. We’ve also heard the same complaint from women: That they’re sick of the ‘same old thing.’ And the point we’re getting at is, if you’re relying on keeping this guy interested based on amazing sex you’re doomed to fail.

You’re right when you say guys check out other women constantly. Yes they do; it’s in the wiring. But remember that checking out other women shouldn’t be threatening as long as it’s done discreetly and respectfully. And checking out other woman doesn’t automatically lead to cheating. In fact it’s good that your guy is open about it. If he was trying to hide his “interest” in other women, then you’d have a reason to be concerned. We’d suggest not trying to suppress his need to do this, as long as he not trying to move his fantasies to the real world. And you know, you might see other men you find attractive; why not share this with him as well so he sees that it can work both ways?

So Missy, so why are you so guarded? Have you been hurt before, or been let down in previous relationships? If so, that can seriously impact your ability to trust. But those feelings stem from you; don’t project those feelings onto someone else. If he hasn’t done anything but be a loyal boyfriend you shouldn’t assume the worst, unless he’s given you reason to not trust him. Has he?

Men are not so different than women. Maybe the pull to have sex with lots of women is there, but for many guys, the pull of a family, and a loving relationship with a woman they can trust, love, laugh with, and grow old with, is also there, and we think that pull is strong enough to prevent most guys from throwing it away with a silly affair that’s only about sex.

Part of this Missy is about you not feeling confident enough that someone could possibly love you for the long term. This is less about your guy straying and more about what you’re feeling internally. We think that’s worth exploring, to see why you’re feeling insecure. Obviously he adores you, so be confident that he will continue to.

As far as the movies, well, don’t believe what you see in the movies. None of that is real. Because relationships are messy and complicated, because humans are messy and complicated. And when have you ever wanted to kiss your boyfriend first thing in the morning when he has “dragon breath?” (We’ve always wondered that about the movies.)

In the meantime, give your guy the benefit of the doubt until he proves that he’s not to be trusted.

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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24 Comments on Is a guy able to be in a relationship with one woman without getting bored or without cheating?

  1. Hi guys!

    I have a problem and it’s not my boyfriend, I really think it’s me. We’ve been dating for just over four months now and overall it’s going really well, with the exception of the fact we pretty much fight every single weekend. We are basically perfect for each other but if we keep having these fights (and I tend to be the instigator) I don’t know if we’ll work out, even though we have both told each other we’re totally committed to one another… And I’m tired of telling my girlfriends about it or asking what they think because I’m sure they’re just seeing it as too much drama. I think a lot of it is stemming from the fact that last year I had a very nasty break up with my last boyfriend of 4 years and I’m projecting my issues with him onto my new guy and I don’t know how to fully let it go. I’m usually a very easy-going person and with my boyfriend now I’m really not and it’s driving us both nuts when we fight.

    In a nutshell, I was dating my ex while I was in grad school and he had a very good job and we were living together. He covered the bulk of the rent and I would handle additional, smaller expenses (ie groceries). It was a good system but on occasion when I’m super stressed or haven’t done it in a while I go shopping (retail therapy) and I don’t go totally crazy but because he was overcompensating he would (understandably) get very upset with me if I bought something frivilous or went to Starbucks or something. So he started monitoring my spending habits and I began to resent him because I felt he was too overbearing/controlling over what I do and was feeling trapped… so I ended the relationship and it was a nasty, nasty break up – it brought out the worst in both of us.

    The new guy I am with is fantastic but I feel as though he is closing in on me. He always wants to see me, he doesn’t see his friends anywhere near as often since we’ve been dating and always tells me how much he cares about me. We set a precedent very early on in the relationship where we see each other pretty much every day. I’m very happy with him and don’t want to lose him. Last month we found ourselves in a position where we both had to move out of our respective apartments so we are now planning on moving in together and I do want to. However, I’m worried that because he will be paying a greater share of the rent (he makes more money than I do – it was his suggestion) that I will once again feel I’m in a position where I am dependent on a boyfriend and end up feeling controlled. He is very generous but I find that if we are doing something I’d rather not do and I say so he starts listing off what he does for me and I feel as though he is dangling it over my head. And it feels as though there can be no compromising with him and he says I always have to have my way, which isn’t the case at all. If I ever express any sort of discontent with a situation he takes it as a personal attack when it’s not meant to be like that..I know I am carrying forward problems I had with my ex but I do feel as though there are going to be some similar problems (just not as much).

    I know I need to talk to him about this but I don’t want him to think that I’m just carrying around baggage from previous relationships because I think that might push him away.. even though I have a lot of worries that stem from my previous relationship. He’s told me in the past he doesn’t want to deal with past problems I’ve had. He might have to go away for work for three months from January to March and he’s a very popular, charming guy and I’m worried that if things continue to go like this he’ll just leave me for someone else while he’s gone. My ex had cheated on me with a friend of mine a couple years before we broke up and I had no idea because I thought he was totally devoted. So now of course, I can’t help but think that he will likely cheat as well: so I’m worried that if I move in with him I’m going to be in a position where I’m controlled but if I call off moving in with him he’ll take it so personally that he’ll think I don’t want to be with him at all. And if he goes away for 3 months I’ll have no idea what he’ll be doing the majority of the time.

    I hate being so insecure and not being able to hide my insecurities! But I can’t stand how overly sensitive he can be and not like giving me much space – I think we are both too nervous to give the other too much space. Should I just bite my tongue if I think what I am going to say will start an argument or do you think I should just run the risk of him telling him that I do still have concerns that stem from my previous relationship, even though he might not want to deal with it??

    Thank you!

  2. @Sari…..Interesting. But you’re making this too complicated. First of all stop projecting onto your new boyfriend. he is not your ex. And not all guys are like the way your ex was. Some people are just generous because they are generous. You also need to stop talking about your past. Your new guy doesn’t want to talk about your past problems mainly because he doesn’t want to think about you with another guy, especially a guy you were with for four years. Does that make sense? Every time you bring this other relationship up, he feels like you’re comparing even if all you’re trying to do is explain why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. So your first step is to focus on the here and now. Focus on what’s working in this relationship. And if something isn’t working, try to come up with a solution that works without dredging up the past. We do think you might wait to move in together. Seems soon, especially if you’re both feeling so insecure. Sometimes insecurities go away with time, once people get to know one another and trust is built up. But if not, what you have is a power imbalance in a relationship and that usually means the beginning of the end. So don’t let it go that way. Absolutely talk to your boyfriend about your issues, but you don’t have to explain the history behind them, just focus on the issue and the resolution. Last thought: Sari, this guy seems way into you. But it doesn’t seem like you believe it. If you want a healthy relationship at some point you’re just going to have to trust him. We’re not saying it’s going to work out, but the only way it will is if you let yourself go. You can do it. You’ve got the strength! Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.

  3. Guys, I don’t know what I have gotten myself into. I dated a guys for awhile, moved in with him after I got kicked out. I am 18. I still live with him, because he is helping out. We still do things with one another and even have our old couple tendencies. His ex of a couple times, (who took his virginity) came back into the picture, as a friend, even tried befriending me to assure I had no worries. Well, his best friend was also an ex of mine, whom I had also been good friendswith me and her. Well, he had gotten confused apparently, and after we broke up, he had sex with her, and then had sex with me. He lied about it and didn’t tell me til later on and claimed that he hadn’t since, but he is never home when he goes to hang with her, and I’m going crazy, and hurt. But I know better than to get back with him, but I care so much, and he keeps telling me that he doesn’t wanna lose me, has strong feelings for me, and doesn’t want me to move out. But he says she is his weakness, and that he still loves both of us, but in different ways, which I get. But I want him, also I know better. But his friend, my other ex, and I have had sex, and so many old attractions came up. So I don’t know what to do, and not to mention that this new guy from my work and I have a date to the fair, because I genuinely like him, and wanna give it a shot. Because he is someone new and exciting.

    Long story short, my recent ex can’t choose between me and his original love, doesn’t wanna date anyone, but claims he loves us both. His best friend, who was a previous ex, wants me back and we have had sex. And this new guy would be a new chance.

    I don’t know what to do, advice?

  4. @Ginger….Wow, this is complicated, and interesting, and messy! First of all, it’s hard to tell you what you should do, because it doesn’t seem like you’ve figured that out yourself. And that’s an answer right there. Why don’t you just be 18 and enjoy dating around, and just see how all of this unfolds? Ask yourself: Do you really want to be involved in some love triangle with your ex? It seems more like a habit that’s hard to break, rather than the love of your life. So why don’t you let him figure that out on his own—his ex we mean—and then just see. Because right now that situation is just going to make you confused, hurt, resentful and angry. And he doesn’t really know what he wants either. We’d suggest keeping yourself open to new possibilities and see how things work out with everything you have going. Just be safe out there, especially if you’re being physical with more than one person. (Sorry that’s just us being paternal) Check back with us as things unfold and let us know if we can answer any other questions. And definitely keep us posted. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it if you spread the word on Facebook, or wherever about our site.

  5. Hi Guys,

    Thanks for responding so quickly! I will try to be more mindful that when we are fighting it’s more to do with me projecting (most likely) so hopefully that will at least reduce the chances of me instigating. I realize I do have to get out of the mindset that my new boyfriend is going to start acting like my ex if we live together. I guess I’ll just try to not let myself get too worked up. The wheels have already been set in motion for moving in together so I think I’m still going to go ahead on that front so I’m going to have to work on listening to my gut because I don’t think there are any reasons to not trust him so I’ll do my best and just let go 🙂 Thanks!

  6. @Sari….Glad to hear. Good luck with the new living situation. Come back anytime. And once again, please spread the word about our site on Facebook, Google Plus, or wherever. Thanks so much.

  7. Why would a guy get angry if you offered sex and he cut you off? We recently got back in touch after a few years and while he knows I have serious feelings for him although I am supposed to be in the ‘friend zone’ in light of his busy schedule in medical school, and when I’ve expressed those feelings he has either light-heartedly responded or not responded at all.

    Anyway, I recently told him that I’ve been thinking about sex with him while he is on break and instead of him being receptive as I assumed all men would, he called me a “crazy bitch” and will not respond. I know he is not gay. I wonder why he became so angry instead of being calm? We’ve never had sex before.

    My understanding is that men will never get angry when offered sex by an attractive, single, financially independent, and friendly woman like myself.

    Feel free to tell me your thoughts. Thanks!

  8. @Frances……..We don’t see this as simply as you do. If this guy just met you at a bar, and he was looking for sex, there’s no way he’d turn you down if you came on to him. But there’s much more going on here than that. You two have a history together. You mention that he knows you have serious feelings for him, and basically he’s not taken you up on those feelings. (Light-hearted response or none at all.) Whatever his reason, he has one. It might be a combination of things; it’s hard for us to know. But if he was into you in that way he would have pursued you already. So all of this needs to be taken into consideration when looking at the current situation. There are two reasons we can see for him turning you down and getting angry. 1. He doesn’t want to lead you on since he knows you have feelings for him—even if you told him you weren’t looking for something serious—and he’s not about to start something up. This is no different than a FWB situation. A lot of women enter this type of arrangement thinking it’s going to be great, but what often ends up happening is some of these women—sometimes the men, but mostly the women—start to develop feelings, and then things get confusing and upsetting. (Just read some of our posts on the topic and you’ll see all the comments saying exactly that.) 2. He feels you’re being manipulative and trying to offer sex as a way of convincing him he should be with you. And that’s why he got upset and called you names. Remember, Frances, this is what we think he’s thinking. You sound like a great gal, and we can’t speak to why he isn’t interested in pursuing any sort of relationship with you. But with that in mind, we imagine there are many guys out there hoping they’ll get a chance to be with you. Your thoughts?

  9. Hey guys, my fiancé (and we just had a baby) used to cheat on his his partners with this one lady a bit older than him.. Anyway we’ve been together for a few years and I recently found out he’s talking to her again and has seen her at least a couple of times.. They have been sending VERY sexual messages to each other, and when I told him I knew he completely denied it all and now he deletes all his messages and hides his phone. It started when i was mid way through pregnancy and very grumpy and hormonal and couldnt have Sex (not thats any excuse).Anyway I really do believe he loves me and so does everybody else.. But I just don’t know how to stop it and I do everything I can to keep him happy at home, we have a great sex life since having baby. But I just don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him iv been through his phone, but that’s the only reason I know. Please help.

  10. Kristina // May 3, 2013 at 11:47 pm //

    Hi guys, Thanks for the site. I keep reading over and over that men are visual creatures, that they are wired to notice beauty and they equate physical beauty with sexual desire. My question is, do men usually equate physical beauty and sexual desire with love? Because here’s the thing, as you get older, you’re not going to be as physically beautiful anymore. So if your physical looks fade, based on the fact that men are visual creatures it would seem that they would no longer find a woman sexually desirable. And if you’re not sexually desirable, will your man still love you? If looks and sex are as important to men as I keep reading they are, then what the heck do you do when you don’t look good and he doesn’t want to have sex with you once you are older? The reason I ask this is because I am terrified to get married. I am terrified because I’m worried that while my husband may love me at first while I’m young and attractive, he will fall out of love with me as I age and my looks fade. I believe that I will always love him because my love is based on things other than his physical looks and sexual desirability. But I am told that is because I am a woman and we view love differently. And that for men, beauty and sexiness are so important. But beauty and sexiness don’t last. So does that mean his love won’t last? And if men are hard wired to notice beauty and to want to pursue it, as my looks fade and he doesn’t find me sexually attractive anymore, how will I ever be able to trust that he isn’t running after some hot young thing, since looks are sooooooo important to men. Do you see how this is scary? If men are truly hard wired to value physical beauty above all else, where does that leave the women of the world who lose their physical beauty with time? Does that mean we lose our value in the eyes of men? If our beauty equals our value, then as we age we become less valuable? Less lovable? Less desirable? Why ever get married if your husband will stop wanting you in time as you age? Do you know any men who still desire their wives as they age? Or who don’t cheat on their wives with hot young women, though they may want to? This whole “men are hard wired to value physical beauty” thing has got me too scared to get married. I wish men valued something that wouldn’t fade with time. Please help. Am I thinking about this all wrong? Is this truly how men are?

  11. @Kristina…..Wow. You’ve really been thinking about this quite a lot. Are you about to get married and are now questioning it? Let’s see if we can help. First of all, when you generalize like you’re doing, you’re not being fair to the many guys who actually do remain faithful to their wives. And you’re not giving yourself enough credit. We know many guys who are faithful and loving husbands. Sexual desire and beauty are tied together, but love is not. Love is something that grows over time, it’s not some chemical reaction. Yes, love begins with desire, but it grows with shared experiences. Love grows from watching your wife give birth to your children and marveling at her strength and courage. Love grows from being able to rely on the other person through tough times. Love grows from common goals. Love grows with laughter. Love grows with arguing, and then having make-up sex. We could go on. But you get our point. Many guys don’t cheat because they respect their wives and all that they’ve built over the years they’ve been with them. And many men ask themselves this simple question: What would I have to lose if I cheated? And usually the answer to that question is enough to keep a guy on the faithful track. If you’re doubting your guy’s fidelity than you probably have a good reason to doubt him. Trust your gut. But if this is some kind of general worry, then no, you need to chill, and don’t jump the gun here. Sure, we can’t guarantee anything, but you’ll have a better sense of how you feel when you’re with a guy you can trust. They’re out there.

  12. Lucrece // May 31, 2013 at 6:36 am //

    I almost had sex with my ex who dumped me 2 years ago for someone else and is still with her. We are both 23 by the way.
    Last month, after finding out I’m gonna be in his class, he gave me this “I’m serious with my gf” talk which i thought was unnecessary because though I admit still have feelings for him but I’m in a place in my life that relationship is just not a priority.
    Fast forward to this month, last week to be exact. He got a boner when he hugged me goodbye after class. And basically lost control and touched me inappropriately. I told him afterwards, to brush it off. Nothing happened. And never brought it up.
    Today after class, he wanted to chat. Which is slightly unusual. I quickly figured out there’s probably something else on his mind because he was actually sitting through my boring talks (shocker!) he keeps hinting me that he wants to have sex with me. And he finally came out and asked me. Which I responded with “I’m fine with having sex with you because I’m single. But you are not. So you are the one with the restriction.”
    If this was 2 years ago I’d be crying and wondering if he loves me. But today, I’m really calm. In fact, I told him, “sex and emotion don’t necessary mix for me anymore.”
    I guess my question is, how should I behave to make myself an appealing woman. Especially after what happened. What can I expect from him? And how should I react? Thank you.

  13. Miranda // July 6, 2013 at 4:57 pm //

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I am still in college and we are both in our early 20s. Considering we live at home with our parents while I am not at school, we have sex a decent amount. Recently, (for the second time) I found out he has been messaging girls (some are strippers) on facebook. And in the past while we were still dating, I found he had subscribed to dating/hookup/porn sites. He would message girls very sexual things, even saying he was looking for a fuck buddy and would openly give out his number. Most of the time it was clear the person on the site was fake or they wouldnt respond. He only got a couple of dirty pictures out of it. I am truly appalled. It seems the root of his actions stem from him not being satisfied with his sexual past and our current one. He wants to do anal but I do not want to. If this is the breaking point in our relationship I will be so hurt and disappointed he would put that above everything else our relationship had to offer. Everything was GREAT and he was such a good boyfriend. All of my friends loved him and thought highly of him. Why would he do this? He has cried, apologized, and begged me so many times to take him back. It seems like he wants to make this right, but I cant see him changing unless this is really his wake up call. Is his sex drive that strong he would be willing to throw away everything else? This is unlike his personality, nothing adds up, and I dont know what to do! I would really appreciate your input! Thanks!

  14. @Miranda……It sounds like your relationship is starting to get serious. And since he’s young, he’s probably thinking of all the things he’s not going to have if he’s with you instead of all the wonderful things he will have. This is a sign of immaturity and it’s possible that he could get his shit together. However, the sneaking behind your back is a red-flag. We wished he had sat you down and tried to explain what was going on with him. Ask yourself: Do you want to be with someone who deals with problems this way?

  15. Miranda // July 9, 2013 at 11:15 pm //

    @one of the guys: wow that was really helpful, I never thought of that. Yes, he is immature in different ways, that really opened up my eyes. In addition, we are very serious. We openly talk about marriage, and he is often the one to bring it up. That is why this situation is so hard. We are young, yet serious. And, we were very happy before this incident occurred. We both admitted to wondering what else could be out there, however, I think that is normal, and I wouldnt want to throw us away for a simple thought. The thing that bothers me the most is that I fell in love with his personality first, then he became so cute and handsome to me. People my age usually focus on looks SO much, but I really overlooked that with him. He, and my friends, say they know I can do better than him (looks wise). However, I do not care about that. I love him for who he is, yet he hurt me so badly.

  16. @Miranda…..Good luck and take care.

  17. Shannon // July 21, 2013 at 5:38 am //

    Ok, this is my 3rd attempt, the first two were erased mysteriously. Anyhow, I just discovered your website. It is insightful, informative, and I appreciate your honesty, and respect your thoughtfulness and sensitivity in your responses. I will definitely pass this website on to my friends. Thank you, your website is like a hidden treasure.

    To keep this brief, I am in a 5 year relationship that has been amazingly good, and equally bad. Mostly, because of my trust issues; however, thankfully, I have sought counseling, and am successfully on the other side. I have learned strategies of empowerment, gotten in touch with my femininity, and grown exponentially.

    We are in our 40’s, I am divorced with a child, my partner has never been married and limited on long term relationships. His love is true, and I know because he shows me in countless ways. I truly love this man with all my heart. We are planning to get married and build a life together. Currently, we live apart, and see one another about 3-4x/wk.

    The bottom line issue is this – I feared I was in a Brokeback Mountain relationship – so many parallelisms – best friend, trips together alone, extreme anger/outbursts, particularly if I ever questioned such.

    The main reason I think of this is because my man is honest to a fault, except in one area of his life – you guessed it. His stories are consistently inconsistent about his friend. I catch him, and call him out on it. Then I am the bad guy, or “crazy” to quote him for even thinking such.

    I honestly thought this was resolved until recently. One night while on vacation, after a few too many beers, my partner initiated a conversation about he and his friend fishing (that’s another thing – he talks about him and imitates him a lot). Knowing they had slept in the back of the truck during this trip already, I remained totally quiet to hear what he had to say.

    First he told me that they took the 3rd seat out and put it in the boat. The next sentence, he said, they put the second seat in the boat, and his buddy slept on the 3rd seat. The following day, I read the owner’s manual of his truck, which confirmed, the second seat does not come out of the truck.

    Two days later, while riding in the truck, I brought up the second seat being removed. He said it is permanent. Then I gently and calmly brought up his stories, how they did not match, nor hold merit because the seat does not come out, and shared my feelings of confusion. He became incredibly defensive, and got angry, then told me a 3rd story stating neither of the first two happened, rather, they put all of their stuff, fishing rods, coolers, bags, etc in the boat, while his friend slept on the 3rd seat. I never commented one way or another; however, it has not sat well with me ever since.

    Additionally, several weeks ago, his friend was visiting him for a week. Rather than being controlling, I did the opposite, and stepped back giving them space, and taking care of my needs. After they had gone fishing alone and spent several hours together alone, the three of us were together. During such time, I heard my partner call his male friend “Babes”. Over the next two days, I counted he called him that 7x and “Baby” twice.

    I later brought that up after his friend had gone home. I again, was non-threatening, yet shared my feelings. I told him I felt uncomfortable and it was awkward for me. He brushed it off and said he calls people that all the time. If he did, I would not have had thought twice about it, yet in 5 years, it was the FIRST time I ever heard him call anyone but me that pet name.

    Now we seem to be at ground zero. He is angry at me and said I am “accusing and censoring him.” I have thought long and hard about this. I feel like I can’t see the forest for the trees, and need a fresh perspective. Please respond truly as THE GUYS from your gut. I can take the truth, that is ultimately all I seek. He swears up and down, and has for the past two years, that this is all in my head, and he nor his friend are gay. He is mad that I even think such as a result of the two above descriptions.

    I really want to believe him and make a life together. We love each other deeply. I do wonder, yet have no concrete evidence of my assumptions. If it helps, my man is a manly man, yet very in touch with himself, his feelings, who he is, what he wants and doesn’t want, his creativity and sensitivity are strong.

    Thank you for your honesty.
    Sincerely,
    Shannon

  18. @Shannon……..He doesn’t sound gay to us. (Of course we don’t know him. And we’re not saying he’s not.) It just seems if he was gay, he’d be doing a much better job at hiding it. (Does his friend seem gay? Is his friend single? Married? What’s his deal?) So the question is more back to you. Is there something that doesn’t work for you here in this relationship? The real concern we have is: Why don’t you trust him? Is there something else that’s bothering you, or is this your MO? Does the fact that he’s in his 40s and never been married bother you and make you worried? And how is the sex? Does he seem into you? It just seems like you’d be able to tell. Something isn’t right here, and we advise you not to move forward—getting married—until this is resolved.

  19. Thank you Guys – so much. I do greatly appreciate your response. He does not seem gay to me either, and the sex is more than satisfying to both of us. It does not bother me of his age and that he has never been married. I know him well enough to know that he would not settle just to settle. I do believe that we are an exceptional match. This started several years ago when he wanted to spend time with his friend over me, and I became jealous a bit. We were having some problems, and a friend suggested he and his friend may have a private relationship. His friend is not married, never has been either; however, he is not gay. He likes women. He has dated friends of mine, and he and I even discussed this issue on several occasions. I was honest with him, and told him that the inconsistent stories made me confused. By the way, he dated people I know BEFORE this talk. Why don’t I trust him? Maybe I still need to work on me because he is trustworthy. I believe part of the issue may be living apart. It’s frustrating me, yet I want it to be HIS idea for us to take the next step. He is stuck. He has told me he is waiting for me. I am not secure with employment right now. I am working, yet having difficulty finding full time work in my field. He said I need to be able to contribute financially, 50%, and I cannot at this time. Several of my friends commented that is wrong of him to expect. I have at times questioned if our current situation, living apart, is convenient for him to maintain a “bachelor’s lifestyle” with freedom, although I am not demanding or a nagging person. I too like my independence, yet at the end of the day, it would be comforting to sleep next to the man I love, and wake up daily next to him. His love for me is real. He adores me, I know, and visa versa. We get each other, and actually like each other’s quirks. We brag about the other to our friends and family. We are proud of one another in countless ways, and express such. I know some of my trust issues have to do with past relationships, yet this man is so different. Thank you for your time. You have been a mirror for me, reminding me how good he is to me, and what a fool I would be to let him go. He has fought for us. He speaks of a future for us, and our family. He sees my child as his step child, and loves that child with all of his being, as does his family. In fact, we have spent a lot of time with the friend in question, and the 4 of us are family too. Thank you again.

  20. Additionally, would you GUYS please enlighten me, and probably other women, the dynamics of a guy/guy best friend relationship? Part of the reason I have questioned their relationship is because I do not understand very much about guys and guy things, like trips together to go fishing, hunting, and just hanging out. Most of the men I know just don’t do those kind of things – so when they do, it has given me a feeling of uneasiness. It’s 99.9% gone, yet when stories don’t match, that small % begins to raise it’s head. Hopefully, hearing from you GUYS what a heterosexual man’s friendship relationships look like, will help me understand and know what to expect. Thanks!

  21. @Shannon…….YOu’re welcome. A thought came to mind. Maybe this is less about him being gay, and more that their friendship is threatening to you since you and your boyfriend haven’t taken the next step yet. Any sort of previous relationship can feel threatening, especially if the person is not being sensitive to that very fact. Meaning: Does your guy understand that his friendship with this guy could be threatening to you? Not in a sexual way, but in the way he prioritizes his life.

  22. @Shannon…….It’s different for everyone. Many guys like taking “man trips.” They go camping, gambling, skydiving. They do “manly” things together like eating lots of meat, telling raunchy jokes, farting, talking a lot about the women they want to “fuck” —sorry, no other way to put it—and enjoy time away from their lives. However, there are also many guys who like getting together to talk just like women. So it’s hard to give some sort of specific way guys interact with one another. But the one common theme running among these relationships is that guys do like hanging out with one another. It reminds them that they are men in a different way than being with a woman reminds them of being a man. If that makes sense. See our other comment below.

  23. Hi. I am 49, my partner is 46. We have been together for almost 2 years and lived together for a year and a half now. We were both married when we met, me for 27 yrs and him for 2. I know the issues this can cause and we address them. My issue is this, he is still legally married. She is a crazy alcholic, as witnessed by myself and made multiple threats of suicide and other dramatic behaviour which gave him great pause in filing. There was also the issue of money and lawyers and retainer fees which I get to a certain extent, though he has put out a lot of money on musical equipment. I have told him that I know how he is, if he really wants something, he takes care of it, so why not this? Last night she told him she couldn’t afford a lawyer and they should just do the paperwork and be done, I was excited but he didn’t seem to share the same excitement which makes me nervous. I’m just so confused. Now that she’s “done” is he having second thoughts? We have had a couple of issues with him talking to other women from his past, but I feel like he has a need to be ego stroked by women, his mother was absent and he was born with a cleft lip and palate which causes him a great deal anxiety about the way he looks though I think he’s gorgeous. We talked about these issues of other women when they happened. We are always together when not working so he really doesn’t have time to cheat. We have a great sex life and laugh and have lots of fun together. He used reference marriage a lot but now if I say anything about it I get no response (not 100% sure I want marriage, but still). I guess my question is how do I discern my own insecurities from valid things I should be concerned about? Last thing I want to do is sabotage our relationship with my own insecurities but at the same time I don’t want to ignore red flags. How do I talk to him about these things without sounding like I’m accusing him of something as he does defensive easily. I am very good to him, wait on him hand and foot and give every sexual pleasure he could imagine, and I work 40 hours a week lol. I do these things very willingly as I love him dearly and get great pleasure from taking care of him and bringing him pleasure. He’s never had that in a partner. Thanks for any advice from a guys perspective!

  24. @Melissa…..Has he said anything specific to make you wonder if he’s having second thoughts about things? What is he doing to not seem excited? Keep in mind he’s not even divorced yet. Most recently separated or divorced guys are NOT looking for another serious relationship. They want to play the field, make up for lost time, and come and go as they please. It’s possible he initially thought he wanted a relationship but now he’s not sure. But we need more specifics. So don’t panic yet. Give us some examples. And what exactly are you concerned about? Do you want to get married again? Let’s say he wanted to be with you but didn’t want to get married. Would that be okay with you? Does he talk about his ex at all? What does he say?

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