Is my boyfriend insecure?

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Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating this great guy for about six months. He’s very sweet. He brings me little gifts all of the time. He takes me out on real dates, not just the Netflix variety. He treats me great. But there’s a problem.

I’m 25 and I still like to go out with my friends without him. We like to go to hear different bands, or go out and play pool. Sometimes it can get a little crazy. (Maybe I drink too much. Maybe I flirt a little too.) But it’s all in good fun. I’m loyal to him and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our relationship.

But he doesn’t understand why I need to do that. I told him he’s welcome to go out with his friends but he he says he doesn’t feel the need to do that. And if he does go out, it’s more like getting together for coffee or lunch, or maybe to go see a game.

I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m doing something or if he’s just insecure. I really do love him but I’m starting to have doubts about the relationship.

What do you guys think?

Steph

Dear Steph,

We understand why you’re confused. You feel that you’re a loyal and loving girlfriend, yet he still has an issue with you, which of course is causing you to question the relationship.

However, we don’t see any fundamental issue with your relationship. Your issue is more a timing issue rather than anything else. You don’t say, but we get the sense that your boyfriend might be a little bit older than you and more ready for a committed relationship. Or rather, less interested in the partying stage, and more interested in building a life with someone he loves.

Neither of you is wrong here. And frankly, you might want to remove right or wrong from the equation. You still get a lot of enjoyment from being able to party and let loose with your friends. He’s not interested in that. All that says is that the two of you are at different stages in your life. But you have to understand, that if this continues, eventually the relationship will end.

So what you need to do is ask yourself what you want. What do you want Steph? What’s more important to you? Partying with your friends, going out to bars and flirting, or having a meaningful relationship with your guy? We’re not saying you can’t have your independence. We actually believe that when couples each have their own interests, and take time to pursue those interests, it only makes the relationship stronger. But here’s the thing. There’s a difference between going to a book club, or taking a class, or spending time with friends and partying at a bar and flirting with other guys.

So we would suggest you ask yourself some questions.

  1. Why am I holding on to my partying life? Is it because I still love it, or am I trying to keep my boyfriend a little off guard? What is my motivation for compartmentalizing my social life?
  2. Where do I see myself in two years? Will I still be partying, or will I lose interest and want to pursue other things?
  3. Do I truly love my boyfriend?
  4. Does my situation have to be completely black and white? Could I possibly include my boyfriend when I go out with my friends?

There are probably more questions to ask yourself, but hopefully these will get you thinking and lead you to the answers you’re seeking. Do you have any more questions for us? Please leave in the comments below. We wish you the best.

THE GUYS

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2 Comments on Is my boyfriend insecure?

  1. Super disappointed there wasn’t a follow-up to this question and answer. Curious minds want to know what happened!

  2. @Liza….We are too. We never heard from Steph after we answered her question.

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