Question/Answer:Making Up

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Dear Guys,

After reading your post last week, I realized that maybe you could answer a question for me. My boyfriend and I fight occasionally. But afterwards he wants to have sex before things are resolved. And that’s about the last thing on my mind. In fact, it just makes me more upset and makes me feel kind of used. What do you think?


Dear Jodie,

Thanks for writing, AND reading.

Well, this is spelled out in three words, Make-Up Sex! Which can be some of the most exciting action you can have as a couple. No, we’re not telling you to get in more fights, but this type of sex can often be more, um, let’s say, Animated!

But you bring up a good point. It’s all about WHEN the make-up sex actually happens. Therein lies your issue. Your boyfriend is ready much more quickly than you are.

Well, isn’t that the truth!!

Guys are generally ready faster with a lot of things, so why not with making up too?

Here’s the deal. Guys deal on a very physical level. As boys we play rough. As teens we vie on athletic fields and then in offices as we get older. We like all things physical. It’s also the way we show our affection and the way we connect with the people in our lives. For us, being physical IS the way we bond. Sure, we can connect in other ways too, we’re not as shallow as we’re portrayed in the media or in book clubs across the country, but our method of choice is to be physical………and in your case, this is how your boyfriend is trying to reconnect with you.

So your issue makes total sense to us. However, that being said, our answer doesn’t really solve your problem. Just because you understand it, doesn’t mean it’s working for you. But you’ll have to address that yourself.

The best way to introduce your concerns and feelings is when things are going well. Maybe you’re out to lunch on a Saturday afternoon, and you’re both feeling good and happy, you bring it up casually. Try to make it non-accusatory and he might actually internalize what you’re saying.

So good luck. And try to let yourself enjoy the making up part. It sounds like you two have some good chemistry and that’s a nice plus in a relationship. When he stops wanting to have make-up sex, that’s when you know you’ve really got a problem!


20 Comments on Question/Answer:Making Up

  1. Thanks for pointing this out—so true! I know as a woman that I like to speak about/ deal with emotions and for guys it’s easier to connect while being physical. It makes for some misunderstandings, but I like the fact that a guy wants to reach out to me to make things right even when I’M not ready.

  2. Wow! Truly THANK YOU for posting this. This really helped me understand the way my man thinks and why sometimes he responds sexually post-fighting!

  3. This is such a big way that men and women are different. When my husband and I have a fight, afterward, he wants the physical connection–that really helps him get over the fight, mentally, I think. For me, though, it is quite different. I need the emotional reconnection first before I get even begin to get into the physical. I realized how profound these differences were during one of our first make-ups after a fight. The key is communicating on both people’s ends–I told him I was feeling the way I was–he did the same and we were able to build a great bridge and when we make up after fights, we combine both our needs.


  4. That was an excellent post with the correct advice. Me do respond more physically. And we are taught, early on, to play rough. And we are quicker when it comes to getting ready for a Date Night, too. 🙂 Don’t hurt me, gals! 🙂

    You’re also right in saying the media (news, tv shows, commercials) portrays men, basically, as being ogres. No offense to ogres. According to the media and the LifeTime Channel, all men are abusers, cheaters and/or feeble-minded.

    I’m glad you pointed out that we do listen, care and so forth. I think this society needs to be reminded that women are not any more morally superior than men are. It’s equal.

    Take care, dudes

  5. GUYS- She said that he want to screw her BEFORE things are resolved!!! I know exactly how she feels! My hubby better not even THINK about touching me until we get that shit figured out!

    I don’t give a FUCK if that’s how HE wants to ‘make up’. Well, I want him to apologize and say he understands how I feel, or whatever the situation calls for. Even then I might not feel like fucking him!

    I’ll hand him the lube, and tell him to go fuck himself. Until he can be sensitive to MY feelings, then he doesn’t need to get laid.

  6. The GUYS make a good point. But I think the problem is not that he wants to have make up sex, but when he wants to. You should be having the make up sex after the problem is resolved, not before (unless before helps you get your way —– hey I’m just saying lol 🙂 )

    I agree with the GUYS try addressing this problem when things are going good not when your in the midst of an argument. Explain yourself and try not to accuse him of anything. Just spell it out so he understands! Good luck!

  7. @E…….funny….and smart!

    @Ashley…….that’s pretty much the sentiment of most women, as we said. You just say with a bit more zeal!

    @Kelly……..who’s gonna advocate for us if we don’t!?? We are able to listen god dammit.

    @Melinda…….communication is the key to having a solid relationship. It sounds like you two have figured that out.

    @Meleah Rebecca…….You’re welcome. Glad we could help, even just a little.

    @Kelly……..we’re trying, that’s all we can say!

  8. Great advice GUYS! Always good to hear your perspective!

  9. HeyGuys,,, really do you think that women want anything more than to see men finally “look up” and recognize.. yeah, recognize.

    by the time it gets to the break up most women have decided that make up sex is such a waste of time, unless its him lickin you like a stamp; and then you makin like a letter – and leavin his ass waitin to arrive.

    Special Delivery Baby, it’s Reality.

  10. @RE…….we agree, by the time it gets to the break up it’s over. See ya later! But we didn’t think she implied they were actually breaking up, just fighting, disagreeing and trying to figure things out.

  11. You have explained well one of the major differences between men and women. Guys don’t need to talk things to death like women do so if they want to get to the make up sex they need to suck it up and apologize.

    Your advice to wait until things are calm to talk to her guy is kinda funny. I could hear all the men groaning as I read this. No guy wants to talk about the relationship, ever. Good times or during a fight. They don’t want to and who can blame them.

  12. The comments were as good as the post…

    Great thoughts sex is always tough to manage…thus women are taught to just do it…therefore fake it…..

    Dorothy from grammology

  13. This is interesting. And makes a lot of sense. I wonder if it matters all that much for things to be resolved before affection can take place.

    If men show affection more comfortably in a physical sense then it would make sense he needs reassurance too, just as women do. After all, we can both understand each other while working our disagreements out so being able to reassure each other during the process (as in, before the disagreement is resolved) might help the relationship become even better.

    Food for thought, thanks!

  14. @Jen………You’re right. Guys don’t generally want to talk about the relationship, but sometimes it’s necessary. We’re just saying, it’s better to wait to address some issues until after things have been resolved… least resolved on the surface.
    And actually, we just like the relationship talk to be a bit more concise. But we’re not necessarily opposed to it.

  15. @Lola……….we like your positive spin.

    @Dorothy……yes, it’s always nice to have some lively comments. As per your other point…..we would prefer you didn’t fake it. Hmm……on second thought………

  16. I love hearing the Guys view on stuff like this! I’m definitely not in the mood right after a disagreement. But I will say, if you can meet halfway it really does help. I think its so true that this is a huge difference between guys and gals, and honestly sometimes it could be the original reason for the fight! 🙂 I think the guys are right. Talk about it when you’re happy and out somewhere-not in the bedroom or mid fight. Thanks again Guys for always telling the other side. It helps me understand where you men are coming from!

  17. @Date Girl……yes, sex is often one of the main things couples argue about. Or at least have tension about. Money and kids would be the other two. See what you have to look forward to? Just kidding……..well, not totally.

  18. I thought that this would be bad relationship advice, I was completely wrong, i applaud you for this information.

  19. My girl and me lived together almost three years then the break up came without warning. That’s what I was up to first and I admit there was more frustration inside me than warm feelings left. It took me a while and lots of talks to one friend until I was ready to analyze what might have gone wrong far before the final split. Now I see clearly that I just was focused on meand wsn’t aware enough about her view. You know, it’s not about being some kind of softie but at least I learned that if you love a girl and want to be together with her you have to open yourself for her and yes – this means less freedom maybe.

  20. Hey guys! I need help! Me and my boyfriend have the worst fights ever! It’s always over the way he speaks to me. I can’t take the tone and additued that he uses. And when I tell him it’s there 95% of the time he gets mad at me and freaks out. From there it just get bad, he starts sayin rude and childish things like ” you can stop flappin your gums I ain’t listen” , puttin his fingers in his ears and sayin he ain’t Listin. To pinchin his tv and brakin it and tellin me where to go how to get there and ignorin me. He always walks away well I’m tryin to talk it out with him. Well I had told him that I was fed up and if this doesn’t change we will be over. He started to pack up his stuff like he does alot of the times when we fight. And about 5 mins later came back in the room cry askin why he always does this. He told me that he will change and that he will stop bein ignorant. Well our fight yesterday he did all the same things and when he finally got to the point where we could talk I asked him if he even remembered what he said he would do next time we got into a fight. He said that he didn’t. Now he does have a bad memory and if I don’t keep on him like his mother he would forget 75% of what he needs to do. But my question is if this has always happened and if he can’t remember what he said he would do to stop bein this way. Will he be able to change! I even told him that he can’t be doin it for me that he needs to want to change and that he needs to do it for himself and he said he did. Please help. I need to know if it’s worth all the fightin or if its just always goin to be the same. Cause it’s sure not fair to me to be disrespected so much by the one that says he loves me Thank you Layla

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