Masturbation, Politics and Relationships

Misbehavior does not follow party lines. It’s not a Republican issue or a Democrat issue. In fact, over the years, representatives from both parties have egregiously misbehaved in ways that unfortunately have given the younger generation permission to misbehave themselves. An example of that would be a former president, whose wife is currently running for office, who managed to convince a large subset of the population that oral sex wasn’t actually sex. And most recently, the remarks made by a certain presidential candidate, running against the wife of the former president, have not only offended and alarmed women AND the men that love these women, but they give the wrong message to the young men of the world who are still trying to figure out the type of man they want to be.

We’re not here to defend or support either party, but we are here to defend men in a way. Or rather, to explain a man’s impulses and what he does to cope with them. Or what he should do.

Think of a man as a walking, talking ball of heat, a naturally aggressive primate who is constantly out on the prowl, but doing everything he can to act like a respectful human being, not some animal. At work for example, he constantly monitors himself to control any unsavory impulse or thought he might have. He doesn’t allow his eyes to linger for too long even if a woman is wearing a low cut dress with an arrow pointing to her boobs. He keeps his flirting to a minimum, his jokes PC, and never brings up the topic of sex. But all of this monitoring is exhausting, because the bottom line is, sex is on his mind, even if he does a good job at hiding it.

This sort of impulse monitoring continues at home with his partner. He’s careful not to comment about other women on TV, in magazines, and especially not her friends. When asked by his partner, “Do you think she’s hot?” he replies very calmly, “She’s okay. I guess.” It’s not that he’s hiding anything or ready to jump ship and be with another woman—it’s quite natural to be attracted to other women—but he worries that by showing his cards he might be creating conflict that doesn’t need to be created. The last thing he wants is for his partner to feel disrespected or worried.

So what does he do about these pent up feelings?

He might have a regular guy night where he and his buds can let loose a bit. But on a more regular basis, it’s more than likely that he masturbates. No, we’re not saying that masturbation is some sort of panacea, able to cure the evils of the world. But it does allow men to take it down a notch. You might ask, “Wouldn’t sex serve the same purpose?” Well, sure. But there’s a difference. Masturbation is more like a business transaction. When men shop, they don’t browse. They go to the store—only if they can’t get it online—get the what they need, and leave. That’s what masturbation is like for a man. Men don’t light candles and put on mood music. They conjure up an image, or if they can’t do that, they search for a quick video, check out a few pics online, look at a magazine, and then take care of the business at hand, or in hand. Simple really, and once it’s done, a guy is good to go about his day. This is especially handy—sorry for the hand puns—before a date with a new woman. There’s nothing worse than a guy going out locked and loaded.

But what about if a guy is in a happy and healthy relationship?

What most women don’t understand is that guys don’t masturbate because they are dissatisfied with their relationship or their sex life. Quite the contrary. Guys masturbate just as much when they’re in a fulfilling relationship as when they’re not. Yes, we’re here to say that a healthy sex life and masturbation can coexist. The fact is, guys just like to masturbate. It feels good, it’s easy, and it’s a way to satisfy a few fantasies along the way. We know it’s hard to not feel threatened by it, but truly it isn’t about what a woman lacks. It’s a different beast entirely.

It’s too late to offer any wisdom to past presidential candidates, but we can offer a simple piece of wisdom to the current and future candidates. “Guys, before a debate, or before you pick up your phone and make an offensive tweet, or say some off-the-cuff remark to one of your staff, you might want to lock yourself in the bathroom and rub one out.” A much smaller mess to clean than the one you’ll create if you can’t control your impulse to misbehave.

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