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Military Gal in a Long Distance Relationship: Is it time to move on?

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Dear Guys,

My boyfriend (27) and I (25) have been together for about a year and a half with about a two years long distance where we see each other about every six months. We’re both in the military and stationed apart now. Before he left he asked me to marry him and I told him yes of course. I was happy and he seemed happy. But the more I talked about the upcoming wedding the more I could see that he was not so happy anymore even though he said over and over he meant it. So I stopped talking about it.

A little over a year later we brought up marriage again and agreed that we both wanted to get married and have been thinking about it. Also it’s certain we will not be stationed together without being married at this point which means we’d have to wait until the end of my enlistment in 2014 to be together. But we decided to plan to get married 6 months later on our leave. It was very exciting. He said I could plan everything since he didn’t really care too much.(About the plans)

Our leave came and for the first three days he ignored me. Nothing more than kisses and maybe holding hands. Which is odd since we hadn’t seen each other in 6 months. He took off his ring when we went to his hometown saying he just hadn’t pulled it out after security. Eventually I knew this was not true. So I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he wasn’t ready to get married and that we wanted two different things. He was scared about messing it up and messing up our future children or having them too soon. I told him that we could wait a couple years to have kids if he wanted. (Yes I want them but I want to have them together.) So we decided to see if it was just anxiety or if he really couldn’t go through with it since the wedding was scheduled to happen in a few days.

A couple days passed and I brought the subject up again. This caused him to get angry saying we already discussed the subject. I was confused and hurt. I told him this. We went through this cycle for a little over a week. In the end I gave him four days to think over everything and get back to me with a definite answer.

By the third day I was thinking it was all okay. I was thinking if we don’t get married right now we can always get married later. Before this day came I noticed messages from a girl like ‘i miss your touch’ and started to ask about her first indirectly then directly. And on this day I was sitting next to him and I saw him message her ‘mm i love your kisses.’ I first asked him if he loved me and he said yes of course. Then I asked if he still wanted to marry me and he said yes. He said “That’s why I asked you, but I’m just not ready.” So then I asked about his message. This made him defensive and he tried to break up then. After a few minutes he changed his mind and promised to get me a new ring and that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Prior to my departing back to my station we decided to think about the whole marriage thing and in December we would come together on the subject and decide to maybe set a date in the future and tell our families. (This time we were just going to elope). All good.

A couple weeks after I got back I found out I was pregnant. I was excited and he was scared. (Which is normal I guess.) But he started coming around and we could talk about the baby together and the future. At my appointment just shy of ten weeks I found out I had lost the baby. Since then I’ve been in a very depressive state and we have been arguing a lot now.

Now it’s been about two weeks since we lost hope for our baby and he says we need a break…then that we are breaking up…then that it’s not breaking up but a break. After 2.5 hours of talking and crying he agreed to give us a chance to fix things since it wasn’t fair and he didn’t really want to break up. He just was tired of the arguing and making me cry.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think we were so close to the breaking point. I can see how though. We’ve been lashing out at each other and I know we’re both hurting. I think our biggest problem is communication. We’re fighting because we can’t find out how to communicate how we feel to each other. He’s not very open with his feelings and usually I am not either but I’ve been very open with him because I love him and don’t want to lose him. He says he loves me very much and has never loved anyone like he loves me and wants us to work.

Really I don’t know how to move on or how to help him. I wish I did.

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

Thanks for writing to us.

First of all we want to say how sorry we are for your loss. Losing a baby during pregnancy is a traumatic event for a woman and a couple to go through. And it’s especially difficult if the relationship itself is a bit uncertain or strained.

And overall, that’s how we feel about this. You keep imploring him to make decisions that he’s not ready to make. Or maybe he is ready to make some decisions but he’s so worried about your reaction, that he’s not willing to tell you what’s really on his mind. You need to pull back and start letting him make some of his own decisions. You need to listen to what he truly wants, because in the end, you want him to be honest. Because if he’s 100% on board with this relationship things will be great. If he’s not 100% on board, eventually you’ll grow resentful and at some point the whole relationship will unravel.

The best way you can help him Gloria—and help yourself—is allowing him the freedom to make his own choices. Which means if he doesn’t want to get married you need to honor that. We’re not saying he doesn’t, but you’re not getting honest answers from him because he is under emotional duress—you’re crying and he doesn’t want to hurt you. And it’s possible he’s just not ready to even think about marriage right now, but he might be open to it some time down the road. The two of you are relatively young still and it sometimes takes guys a little longer to understand what they truly want.

We understand how difficult it is to be separated from the person you love. And we can see how much you want to be with this man. Being in a long distance relationship is trying and can cause even the most confident person to feel insecure, especially if their partner is not that communicative. But as difficult as it may be, you can’t let those feeling of insecurity invade your relationship. We get the sense that this marriage—in addition to finally being stationed together—is a way for you to be sure about the relationship. It’s a way for you to guarantee you’ll be together. We get this. We really do. It’s totally normal to feel this way. But even if you do get married there are no guarantees it will last, especially he feels forced into it.

We think you need to sit with this a bit and think about what you really want. Is it this guy? And is it this guy even if he’s uncertain about getting married? Or is it marriage in general? Or is it having security? Be honest with yourself and really give it some thought.

And at the same time you need to give your guy some space to think about what he really wants. He needs to be able to make that decision while he’s apart from you. There’s no way he can make an honest decision if he’s with you and you’re upset. It’s obvious he cares for you a lot. But this doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get married to you.

So when is your next visit?

We think you both need some space to think about all of this. And then come together in a few months or so and really have an honest talk with one another. It may turn out that this is all a timing issue and that down the road the two of you will be together. But you’re not going to find out anything if you don’t give him some space and time to do some soul searching and see what he really wants. And you’ll be happier either way, even if it’s more difficult now.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question now, or in the future as this progresses. And/or leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted please. We’re pulling for you no matter how this turns out.

Take care,

THE GUYS

 

 

7 Comments on Military Gal in a Long Distance Relationship: Is it time to move on?

  1. Ouch! I’m very sorry, but those words he spoke were final. This is the most painful thing there is, but you are going to have to pick yourself up and get on with your life without him. The most important thing to know is that it’s not because you’re not good enough for him. You mustn’t put yourself down like that. You are perfect as you are. All you need to do is find somebody who sees that. Clearly this boy does not, and he will not see that. That’s just the way he is, and even though you love him, he’s not right for you. So look on the bright side: this guy will never love you for who you are. There are guys out there who will. You’re much better off with one of them. It’s important though that you value yourself, and don’t just give yourself away to anyone who shows an interest. Make the next guy work hard for you you’re worth it!

  2. Long Distance Dating:

    My boyfriend and I have only been dating for 7 months. He came to visit my family for Christmas, and that was amazing. We were SO in love and things were going great until he started ditancing himself from me and not answering my text messages. He would still call/answer my phone calls, but things seemed weird. I asked him if things were alright with us, and he said he was “losing interest” and he said he didn’t love me anymore. I asked him if he wanted to break up, and he said no. I asked if he wanted me to come see him for the recent holiday, and he said yes. I flew out to him and met his family. The weekend was spectacular, and felt just like things did before. The night before I left, I asked him what he was feeling now, and he said it just doesn’t feel the same. He said he was happy I had come, and he had a good time, but he’s looking for the music and fireworks that were there before. I tried explaining to him that we’re past the honeymoon portion of our relationship, and he said he understands that, but he still wants that feeling. What should I do?

  3. @Monti…..There’s nothing for you to do. You’ve done everything you can. If he isn’t feeling it and wants to move on, then you have to move on. You can’t convince him that you’re the girl for him. He has to see that for himself. Remember: You deserve to have someone who loves and respects you the way you love and respect them. Don’t settle for less. Take care.

  4. Hi Guys! I wanted to get a little advice on how to handle the potential strain on a long distance marriage. Neither of us are military, but it served like the closest thing to our situation. I’m moving 22 hrs away from my husband for nine months. I’m completing my education and don’t think I’ll have another opportunity to do so. My husband is very supportive of my career, but we both know how things can get stressful with us being apart for so long. He can’t move with me because of his job and our senior citizen cat, and will realistically only be able to visit each other twice. We’ve been married for six years and together for ten, with no children. The longest we’ve been apart has been one month. How can we bridge the distance? Sexting and masturbation over video seem like the obvious answer, but we’ve never really masturbated in front of each other, nor do we ever sext. It always feels awkward. Please help me get through the next few months!

  5. @Kristen……Good for you for finishing your education while you can. And good for your husband for supporting you. We don’t have any amazing advice for you. It sounds like you’ve got a good handle on things. The biggest thing we can say is communicate often. Not necessarily lengthy communication but as regular as you can, preferably daily. What the communication “looks” like is up to both of you. Conversation, sexting, video, etc. If you both love each other and trust each other then you’ll get through this. Good luck. It sounds like a great adventure for you.

  6. My boyfriend is in the army and lives in Louisiana but sometimes he has his bad days and good days where he will be a good mood with me and and other days he will be in a bad mood with me. The problem though I have been having is that we both have agreed not to post anything on social media that we are in a relationship since we both know people that love to stick their noses in people’s business but just recently he has been posting things about being single during holidays, tagging other girls in posts or pictures that he likes, and he even communicates with his ex’s. I just don’t know what to do because we were friends in high school and that we had both liked each other but not when we with other people. I just don’t know what to do since we talked about have future together?

  7. @Sara…..We’re sorry. Relationships are tough enough, but add distance and stress to them and they are even harder. Which is why you need to have regular communication with one another. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling and what he’s doing? Clearly the two of you are not on the same page. We’d start there. Keep in mind: Actions speak louder than words. Hopefully he’ll realize that he’s hurting you and stop his behavior, but if he says he’ll stop but doesn’t, that’s something you need to consider. You should read our short e-report on Long Distance Relationships. It might give you some more info.

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