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Moves that paralyze

We read in a book somewhere that a person’s walk is the most distinguishable characteristic they have, even surpassing their face as the best way to identify them. We put it to the test and it’s absolutely true.

(This is a hypothetical “us”)

Us: Is that you Amanda?

Her: No, I’m Kelly.

Us: Really? You look just like Amanda?

Her: Well, I’m not.

Us: Well, just to be sure, could you walk a few steps so we can take a look?

Her: (Slaps us!)

Us: Ouch! What did you do that for?

Her: Get lost creep!

Us: OK, bye Amanda….uh… Kelly.

Maybe not the best method. It’s probably never a good idea to ask a women to take a stroll, so you can check out her backside….uh, we mean walk.

Guys are mesmerized by the way a woman moves. It might be the subtle brush of her hair as she turns her head and smiles shyly. It might be how she shifts her weight from side to side as she sips a drink, surveying a room. But most often it’s the way she walks that has our heads spinning.

Anytime a woman enters our line of vision no matter where we are, our first instinct is to stare. It’s true, even if we try so hard not to. It’s a reflex, like an automatic door that must open if someone walks up to it.  Tact, subtlety and dignity are abandoned and we forget ourselves completely!

Then we say stupid shit like:

“Hey Baby”

“You are so fine”

“Yowza”

The simple way a woman walks rattles our brain so completely that we lose whatever trace of intelligent vernacular and social etiquette we ever learned, replaced by grunts and other nonsensical utterances. Quite simply we become Cave Men.

Now imagine us at a dance club. Yikes!

Drinks and dancing are not the best combination for us. Seeing women moving on the dance floor sets our neurons into a complete frenzy. Talk about heightened senses! Every cell in our body is humming and vibrating, and it’s deafening and maddening and very difficult to control. How else do we account for our behavior when we approach a group of women on the dance floor?

The Dance Floor Scenario

A group of women is having a great time at a club, dancing, laughing and just enjoying themselves. Then some drunk fool(One of us) approaches and starts “dancing” with them. At least he thinks he’s dancing with them. Does he ask to join in? NO!! He just starts dancing nearby, doing some very strange gyrations and smiling with that wide eyed goofy grin. (You know the kind)

At first the women think it’s mildly amusing. OK, not really. Mostly they are annoyed that this guy is crashing their party. And he’s not even that cute. And his dancing?? If you could call it that. He looks more like he’s about to give birth.

Meanwhile his friends who are too chicken to approach are waiting to see what happens. They’re hoping they’ll be able to swoop in once their buddy breaks the ice. Or more likely breaks his face.

Pretty soon, the drunk dancer guy changes things up and tries to do some sort of sexy moves with his hips. The women shout, “Oh no, he’s about to give birth! Someone catch the baby!” But then no baby comes out. And instead he starts trying to saddle up behind the closest woman like a dog in heat.

Now the women are just grossed out, and start moving to the other end of the dance floor. But he follows, like a sheep dog herding his flock. Then all of a sudden his friends descend upon the floor, thinking  this is their moment! “OMG” the women say, “Get us out of here!” And they grab their bags and bolt, running in heels and skirts faster than any person ever thought possible! Another night of fun ruined.

How do we account for our COMPLETE misinterpretation of a woman’s body language!!?? We don’t. We have no idea what came over us. We were asleep in some trance, controlled by some puppeteer with a sick sense of humor. When we finally wake up we say, “Where are we? How did we get on the dance floor? We don’t even like to dance!”

Yes we love women for their intelligence, savvy, kindness and all the other things we’re supposed to say.

But really, the way you move means, you had us long before, “Hello.”

THE GUYS

Do you have any dance floor stories to share? Men and women??

For the men: Any other thoughts about the way women move?

For the women: What moves do guys have that might “paralyze” you?

35 Comments on Moves that paralyze

  1. Hi ya guys!
    I just stopped by mainly to say thanks for your well wishes for me, but I find myself LOL out this post! It’s as though it was written by both a woman AND a man, for you know exactly what is going in the minds of both sexes.
    I have no dance floor stories to share, except to say that I’ve certainly witnessed the scene you describe, and IT IS NOT PRETTY. And my first instinct to your question, “What moves do guys have that might “paralyze” you?” is to say “leave.” (You know me.) But seriously, it’s the little gentlemanly ways that move me – opening a door, offering an arm, a tender look, sending flowers for no reason. The way a man walks or even looks is totally unimportant to me…unless he’s an uncouth slob, who cares nothing about his appearance and could vastly improve upon himself. No, it’s the little nuances, the genuine nuances that move me.

  2. Hahaha! Awesome post and nicely written!

    Erm…yeah I got a (few hehe) stories. This one time I was out with my friends and me and another lady friend got asked a lot of things by other guys. I noticed this ‘macho dude’ standing next to me, watching as two other guys started to ask about our studies etc. When they left, he came up to me and said:

    ‘Hi (in that typical voice). You can tell them that you’re MY lady, so they will back off *insert cheesy smile*”…
    I simply replied with ‘No. Thanks, but I can manage. Do not worry.”

    Okay it was a nice gesture, but I’m not helpless -_-‘. Then later that night he suddenly grabbed my hand, twirled me around and said ‘I just wanna dance with you’…well I seriously didn’t.

    I have a few more stories, but it will be the length of a post hehe ^_^. And it’s true. I often see that guys just stand around a group of ladies who dance and they just…stare. A lot of ladies do like this though even if they say they don’t. You can notice it if they start dancing even more ‘daring’.

    Ooh I find the…ehm how you call it? You know the move with a drink in one hand and a finger/hand in the air, bobbing your head to the beat. ‘Yeah dude! You feel the beat? YOU feel it?! ALRIGHT’

    Yeah. That one. That one is funny. Not necessarily paralyzing, I usually join with them haha.

    Take care!

  3. OMG! This is laugh-out-loud funny! I now know WHY those fools (+-called men) acted the way they did! Thank you for this eye-opening understanding of “the other” sex.

  4. There used to be a woman at my company, “Maria”, that had “that walk.” You know, that’s the one where the chest is out, the hips are moving, body parts are waving like they’re only marginally attached to the body…

    Everyone knew about Maria’s walk. Men were like, “Whoa!” Women were trying to protect their own turf.

    A bunch of us (men and women) were discussing it one day at lunch, including a girl I’ll call “Kate”. She was a small, mousy kind of girl… flat hair, little makeup, with rarely much to say.

    This time she piped up and totally broke down The Walk… how each piece moved and how it was done. Her point was that anyone could do it, if they cared to.

    Of course, we said, “you first!”

    She promptly got up and flounced across the room, EXACTLY like Maria. She was waving parts we didn’t even know she had. It was spot on. Then she calmly walked back to the table like normal.

    All I could think was, “Hey, we should go out for a drink sometime…”

  5. Great post. You nailed the experience so many of us have had.

  6. @Ethelmae…….great to hear from you. I hope all is going OK with you. Thanks for your insights and thoughts. We’ll keep visiting you don’t worry. Just to check in. 🙂

    @TJ……..OMG!!! That is the lamest pick up. “You can say you’re with me” And you know what, it must work because some Guys use it. Ahhhh……. !!!! I’m laughing….”Yeah, dude you feel the beat….” Too funny!

    @Gogo……Thanks. Would love to hear some stories from you. You must have some to share?? 🙂

    @Chris J……Unfortunately I know it well.

    @Bluzdude……I love that story. Yes, women know much that we don’t know they know. ???? And so what did she say? Did you ever get that drink?

  7. The Beatles did the “something in the way she moves” thing ages ago — in a romantic way. Love that song.
    What turns women on, I think, is a confident take-charge walk and attitude, although, of course, we will utimately take charge ourselves. In a nice way, of course.
    And guys behaving like cavemen? WHAT A SURPRISE! Check out Defending The Caveman.
    http://www.i-cant-believe-im-not-bitter.com/2010/march/defending-the-cavewoman.html

  8. The human organism exists only for 2 basic things: survival and replication. All the other things we do are reflections of disparity between gender and intelligence. In the situation described above, the gesture that those party girls were exhibiting is a signal that males recognize as a call for mating. Naturally, they will attract the attention of any male human organism in the vicinity especially if their replication values are very high. However, if the survival value that the approaching male possesses is comparatively low, the chance to successfully engage in sexual intercourse with any female member is minimal. Just my 2 cents.

  9. @Pat…..Yes, we try to project that take charge attitude. We’ll check out the cavewomen post.

    @Ryhen…….Well we think you’ve got it down to a science. Funny! And true!

  10. Hahhaa, oh man. That reminds me of the Dane Cook line, “You mind if I grind up against you with my denim C#$k? for half an hour?” SO true. I hate dance clubs for the creepster guys. Didn’t realize it was because we had them under our spell.

    For me, I get a little distracted when I see a finely sculpted man with his shirt off, maybe running, or doing some athletic activity. I tend to stop and stare. 🙂

  11. Geez, it’s so funny that you brought this up. My husband told me that the way I walk was one of the things that first drew him to me. I guess that for a woman, that is a sort of signature of confidence, allure, whatever. I’m just so glad he found it appealing!

  12. @Date girl…….See, you stare. Maybe you are One of The Guys after all! We’d be happy to have you.

    @Askcherlock…….You’ve got that right. He’s a smart man!!!

  13. Admin:
    In response to your follow-up, no, I never asked. Girl was half my age. But you can’t help what zips through your mind sometimes…

  14. Ha Ha. Hilarious post. I enjoyed it. Well, it is true that everyone walks differently. I heard about this Mobile Security system that can differentiate a walk. I wonder what it would do if wavy walkers use it… LOL

    Have a great day guys!:)

  15. Yes, yes, even I remember that stuff when I use to go out and see men watching us as we strolled, glided, wiggled all those cute parts wishing they were watching…and now after all these years you tell me they were..dam I wish I knew this then..

    Wonderful and funny, post..

    Dorothy from grammology
    grammology.com

  16. @Bluzdude…….Yes, the mind is a funny thing! Thanks for following up.

    @Mr. Stupid…….Thanks man. You enjoy your day as well.

    @Dorothy………..I’m sure you would have a ton of things to tell us too. Isn’t it always like that? “If I only knew then what I know now!!” Sorry, we’re a bit late. Thanks.

  17. Fuuny post, Guys. I’ve seen goofy guys doing those “about to give birth moves” before. I almost feel pity for them. Almost. Your post made me think, too. And now my head hurts. 🙂

    I find that most women are at their sexiest when they’re dancing for some reason -whether I’m drunk or not. It might be a subliminal thing we have going on in our minds. Maybe somewhere in the backs of our minds, we are associating some of their moves on the floor with the movements of sexual intercourse. That’s just a guess.

  18. I read once that men spend a certain amount of every hour just thinking about sex–and it was 3 times more than women think of it. I really do believe there is something to evolutionary psychology: men are pre-wired to want to procreate–it was set up this way to make sure the species survived all the disasters our great ancestors came up against. Therefore, in a way, I feel men are pre-wired for these corney come on lines.

    I also feel that men are driven more by physical appearance than women are. I can honestly say that no physical trait of a man ‘paralyzes me’ but what does paralyze me is astounding confidence, intelligence–and most importantly–a great sense of humor. I need to fall in love emotionally and intellectually–physical appearance is just kind of ‘meh’ for me!

    Melinda

  19. We went to a local resort to hear our friend’s band play and there was this little old guy in a very BAD wig, and a polyester leisure suit from the 70’s. He was trying to get some women who were at the resort for a meeting to dance with him. He finally got one to go out on the dance floor with him and everyone in the room was choking back laughter! He had absolutely NO clue what he was doing, and the gal finally just left him out there on the floor. It didn’t stop him! He just kept stumbling around by himself! We thought he would give it up, but when the next song started, he started looking for a new partner. If it hadn’t been so funny, it would have been sad!

  20. One a personal note: Thanks for your comment on THE MONSTERS THAT MADE US. Actually, a lot of what I said was true, but don’t tell anyone. I want people to think that I was just born quirky, and haven’t been working for years to perfect quirkyness. Starving artists are starving for one of two reasons: Either they haven’t been “discovered,” or they are bad at what they do and only THINK they are artists (I have known several of them). Fortunately, I am not starving. I really had to spin a yarn about why I painted Young Santa to get it into the show, though.

  21. I heard the better the dancer, the better the person was in bed. So maybe those moves should be paid attention to. Uh- huh!! Centipede anyone?

    My party girlfriends would dance sexy with each other to attract guys MORE. They were always the ones super drunk. They’d stick the bootay out when a guy came up and get down with it. I’d be like – Ahhh! Those Dudes were gross. You couldn’t drag them away (well there was always one in the bunch) from that bootylicious bump. They’d end up going home with them despite our pact to stick together. Lol. I’m beginning to understand why I never stayed single long. Haha.

  22. @Kelly…..That’s a damn good guess!

    @Melinda…….We certainly are because no one has actually taught us them. Thanks for some insight on how you view men and looks.

    @Judie……..We’ll do stupid stuff like that until we’re in the grave. It’s in our wiring.
    ps. Your secret is safe. Funny that you had to jump through so many hoops to get into the show. And yes, I agree with your Starving Artist Critique.

  23. The way we WALK? Really? Hmmmm.

    Okay.

    I think I’m going to have to really concentrate the next time I’m walking to see exactly what it is I am doing that is sooooo ‘mesmerizing’.

    Thanks GUYS, I’ll probably fucking fall down. I’ll probably be wearing BRAND new high heels too, AND it will happen in front of a group of guys that are hot as hell.

    Peachy.

  24. I loved your post it was funny. I’m a people watcher and I love watching men move most of them crack me up. Thank God Bill has a swagger when he walks, I’d hate to walk down the street with a man that is a dorky walker no matter how handsome he might be.

    When I tended bar I saw a lot of funny stuff and how men acted when a fresh piece of meat walked through the door, it was never boring.

  25. @Angelia……..Yes, I’ve encountered those girls too. The ones that break up the pack. Actually Guys are the same way, although we have an unwritten rule that says breaking up the pack is OK if there’s a “possibility”….even if the guy is the designated driver. The other guys have to get creative or end up walking home.

    @Ashely…….Yes, you do that and get back to us. We’ll take all the enlightening we can get! And please don’t fall!

    @Jude……..We are all meat eaters at our core, although some would claim to be vegans; metaphorically speaking.

  26. LOL! The best move would be to ask someone to dance with you. The worst a person can say is “no”. How’s everyone doing? It’s been a while since I commented here.

  27. @Cynthia…..Nice to see you!! I hope you’ve been well. We’re all doing fine here. Hopefully about to launch a podcast in the next month and a new website. That’s the biggest news. What about you?

  28. What a crack up it is to read this. Sounds like so many nights I try not to remember along with some successfully drowned in vodka. Its these kind of guys that eventually drove me from hanging in straight clubs to gay clubs. Worked well for numerous years then we found the straight male caught wind of straight women who go to gay clubs and some of them ventured across into the gay territory purely to pick up women who were trying to avoid the “straight scene” morons. Although you can always tell a straight man in a gay club … just by the way he dances.

    Always a huge fan, love the way you guys tell the world as it is.

  29. @Miss…..Yes, the gay club angle. You are so right. I always thought that was a pretty smart solution, but now you inform me otherwise. Always love to hear your thoughts Missi.

  30. Great post, really enjoyed reading it.
    I cannot say anything about moves on the dance floor, but what I can say is that a nice girl walking in heels to me is sexy. The sway of the hips, the calve muscle shaping, fabulous.

    Something else I can share, if you go out with a new girl, and you are not sure if she would be willing to sleep with you, (first or second date, etc) make sure that you sit close enough. If she puts her legs over yours, or her feet on your legs, or some move where her legs or feet touch your legs or feet, 99.9% of the time she will be willing to sleep with you. Test it and see if it works.
    Have a super day.

    Colin.

  31. Ive been told that I am a ‘strutter’ when I walk. Not that I have ANY IDEA what that means!

    “For the women: What moves do guys have that might “paralyze” you?”

    Well. There is ONE move. But, I have to REALLY like the guy for him to even TRY this. I am a huge fan of the grab me my my waist pull me in closer to you kind of move on the dance floor!

  32. @Colin…….I couldn’t agree with you more. Of course why limit it to the sway of hips and the calf muscle. It’s all sweet to behold! Thanks for sharing your insights.

    @Meleah Rebeccah…….It means ALL GOOD things!! I would imagine you’d have to really like the guy to want him to grab you and pull you closer. It’s a bit aggressive otherwise.

  33. Thanks Guys. You’ve helped me solve a mystery. I always wondered why I don’t get approached too often. Now I know it’s because of my stupid walk. I lack all grace and poise. It all makes sense now!

    The move that will paralyze me on the dancefloor (I dance considerably better than I walk): dog in heat move combined with an erection. I don’t care how cute anyone is. I’m running away.

  34. @Lovy…..Nah!! Here’s another little secret. Guys get intimidated easily. I’m sure that’s what it is. Also, a slightly awkward gait can also be a turn on. You see the real secret is, there is no rhyme and reason to the law of attraction.

  35. I am not sure which I enjoyed more…the post or the comments this time around.
    Truly is all about the walk of confidence…when a woman knows how to strut her stuff….she is very much transcendent.

    I do like to watch guys walk also…I think guys show just as much ‘come hither’ as women do when they walk with that totally prrrrrrrrrrfect strut 🙂

    Can all men or women do it….not if they do not have the confidence.
    Some will do it to catch an eye…some do it because they are simply very sultry and do everything with a twist of sexual invite.

    You are right though…when a person is walking without any intent…you can most definitely tell alot about who they really are in the ‘type’ area anyway~

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