My boyfriend wants to watch porn together

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Dear Guys,

My boyfriend wants to watch porn together. We have before but I get too shy and self-concious because it seems like he’s more focused on the T.V. than he is to me.

Why is that?

B

Dear B,

Thanks for your question.

So what exactly are you worried about? Or bothered by? The fact that he’s interested in the action on the screen, or the fact that he seems to be more turned on by the actors, than you?

Let’s back up for a moment and talk about couples and sex in general. It’s inevitable that after two people have been together for a while the sex can get predictable. It’s easy to fall into a pattern, a routine, like ordering at a restaurant. Why try something new when you know the steak—for example—is going to taste great? Why risk spending the money on something you’re not sure about, when you know that juicy cut of meat that you always get is going to be mouth watering? After couples figure out how to please one another they often settle into this mindset: Do what works. This is great, but then things change. Here are four possible ways this plays out.

1. Couples get bored and they start having less and less sex, until it becomes stagnant and robotic.

2. One person strays, and starts having an affair.

3. The couple invites a third party into the mix.

4. One person, or both, starts getting creative and introduces some new possibilities into the bedroom: different positions, different times of the day, maybe some toys, some adult videos, some new techniques, food, whatever.

Think of your situation as a healthy way to spice up your sex life. Yes, watching porn might be a little uncomfortable for you, and he might be a bit too focused on the screen, but at least it’s you he’s getting worked up with, not someone else. And frankly, it’s only natural for him to be turned on by what he’s seeing. Guys are very visual. And guys like diversity. His focus on the T.V. is more about seeing a new body in action, rather than something you lack. And if in the end, the two of you have great sex, well, then maybe it’s all good.

But let’s also be clear about something. You need to be comfortable in order for it to be enjoyable. And you should never be forced into anything that makes you uneasy. The best way to figure out the right balance here is to talk to him. Tell him you’re open to exploring this with him, but also tell him how you’re feeling. If he really cares about you, he’ll try his best to modify his behavior a bit to make the experience enjoyable for you too. (That’s what a loving and responsible partner does.) You also should mention some of the things that you’d like to try in the bedroom—if you have some thoughts, fantasies—and hopefully he’ll be open to doing that. Relationships are about give and take. Both people should be committed to doing whatever they can to make their partner happy—and themselves. (But never at their own expense of course.)

One final note. Your boyfriend is lucky to have a girlfriend who’s open minded and willing to try new things. Remind him of that, and you can tell him we said that if you’d like. Not all women—and not all men—are that open. Good for you, and good for him.

Let us know if you have any follow up questions. And leave us a comment in the comments section.

Take care and enjoy!

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

3 Comments on My boyfriend wants to watch porn together

  1. Hi, my husband told me he wants us to watch porn together. I appreciate his honesty and he has always been open about his porn habits.
    We just got married and he said that we are both just people, who still have fantasies and it would be nice for him to share ours with one another and watch porn we both enjoy.
    He says it is only fantasy and it is just something he sometimes thinks about, but would never do in real life. His fantasies (porn he watches) include HUGE breasted women and girl on girl action. We both know I cannot fulfill any of those fantasies (I am a smaller chested woman – which is killing me, and I will never be with another woman).
    He is also open to please me as I get stimulated by my own porn fantasies…
    What do you guys think? Should I feel endangered? Could this harm my marriage?
    Please give me guys perspective on porn and how to take this. I am thinking about trying to watch some porn with him.
    Oh and yes, we have a very active sex life, I never say no and mostly am the initiator. I look really good and I know he loves me and and my body. (not sure about my breasts :/)

  2. Oh, and do you think he wishes for big breasts, and is not really satisfied with mine?

  3. @K….Thanks for your question. And we understand your concerns. First of all, let’s address your breasts. The thing with many guys is, they crave what they don’t have. That doesn’t mean he’s out there trying to hook up with other women, it just means it’s normal for him to be into large breasted women, if you have smaller breasts. If you had large breasts, it’s possible after a time he’d be wanting to check out small and perky breasts. Same goes for short women as opposed to tall. Dark skinned, light skinned. Brunettes vs. Blondes vs. Redheads. Athletic vs. Fleshy. It goes on and on. If you trust your husband there shouldn’t be a problem. Fantasies are normal and cravings are normal. But it’s not okay to satisfy these fantasies outside of the bedroom with someone other than your spouse or partner. Now to the porn. Most guys like porn. In some ways it can help squelch the cravings because it let’s them fantasize about other bodies, but not take them away from the woman they’re committed to. In your case, it seems that’s what’s happening. (That’s good) And yes, it’s also good he’s being honest with you. But, what shouldn’t happen is you get pressured to do some things you’re not comfortable with. He needs to respect what you want and what you need and do his best to work with you so you both can be happy and satisfied. If that’s not happening that’s when you should start being concerned. One final note: Too much of anything can be harmful. If all he ever wants to do is look at porn with you, then you have a potential problem on your hands. If watching porn is one way the two of you interact sexually then all the power to you. It’s healthy for couples to mix it up a little. Watch some porn. Use some toys. Read some books together. Try new positions, times of day. Etc. You’re only limited by your imagination and comfort level. And time of course. So don’t worry yet. But certainly keep your eyes open in case this escalates. Oh last thing. It’s also normal for guys to look at porn and pleasure themselves even when they’re in a happy relationship. But once again, it shouldn’t become the primary way they get satisfied. It should always be secondary to the real deal. That’s YOU! Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. And if you found this helpful please consider a small donation to the guys using the PayPal button on the right of any page. No donation is too small or too big. Take care.

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