My fiance left me

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend proposed to me one year into our relationship. (We are both 26). He did so while we were away in Paris. He spoke to my sister about proposing six months before he did. He asked for my dad’s permission and took my sister and best friend ring shopping. This is my first proper relationship and he’s had one before me. My boyfriend and I met each other’s family and friends and went on double dates. His family loved me, and constantly told him not to mess it up. My family liked him too. He spent all his time with my family. His mum is lovely but his dad is really grumpy and puts him down a lot. He called my mum ‘mum’ and said my sister was like his sister.

We planned our whole life together, babies, houses, dogs etc. He spent all his free time with me and when he didn’t he texted me all the time. We really wanted to move out but I wanted to wait to buy a house instead or renting. (Renting ridiculous in the UK.) We had a few disagreements but he eventually said it was a better idea. I sent him a few pictures of houses and then one day he told me to stop til we could afford it. Then we kinda had a argument where he said he didn’t want to buy anything. Then the next day he phoned me in tears saying he loved me but couldn’t commit. This was just after our 18 month anniversary. Before that we had spent the whole weekend together with no sign at all he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He wrote lovely words in my Valentine’s card and brought up a conversation on our future children. He even came out for two family meals.

We kinda spoke on email the week after he left me but he kept making excuses not to meet up. He said it was nothing I did as I was perfect. It was his issue. He said he needs to be alone to grow up. (He is a bit of a mummy’s boy.) A few weeks after the break up he blocked me on Facebook. I asked why and he said it was his way to cope. I asked if he missed or loved me even a tiny bit and he said he had no feelings and he was seeing someone new, but it was nothing serious. I asked if he cheated and he swears he didn’t which I do believe. However it’s been nine weeks since the split and they are in a relationship. (So Facebook says.) I sent him an email when I found this out. Nothing nasty just that I was disappointed because it seems I meant nothing to him and that despite how horrible he ended it I want to remember the good times and wish him well. No reply though. Cowardly.

He does have a serious lack of confidence and always said I could do better. He avoids confrontation. And I never noticed but my friends and family said he seemed to be okay one minute and down the next. His dad nearly had a mental breakdown 10 years or so ago and they wonder whether he has depressive traits, maybe like his dad. It’s been six weeks since we split and I have good and bad days. I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas on this? I don’t understand how something so perfect has ended so out of the blue. All my friends and family are shocked and don’t understand either as he always spoke so highly of me and worshipped me. He only has a a few good friends who are both with a girlfriend/fiance and he’s not a going out drinking type. He’s quiet and not a laddy type.

Any opinions would be welcome. Going out of my mind replaying everything and wondering what happened. I have no hope he will come back. He’s too cowardly even if he wanted to. But just wondered whether you think four weeks after leaving me this new girl’s a rebound or maybe he genuinely didn’t love me. My family says I can do better and if he did crawl back I should tell him to sod off, but truth is I would want to try to work things out even though he would have a lot of explaining and making up to do to prove he’s serious.

Anyway sorry for the long post. I’d love to hear a guy’s perspective on my situation. All my family and friends are confused by it. And two of my guy friends agree with my family’s assessment. Please don’t be too harsh. Hah. Any thoughts would be welcome.

Thank you,

Kathy (Name changed)

 

Dear Kathy,

We’re really sorry. We know this is a very difficult time for you.

This seems like a classic case of a guy who fell in love with the idea of a relationship, but who really had no idea of what it took to be in one. It was exciting for him to plan a future with you—house, kids, dog— but when it came time to move forward with your plans, he got scared, and realized that maybe he was a bit over his head. We’re not surprised. He’s young, immature. (Most guys are still figuring out who they are in their mid-20s.) And if indeed he’s a mummy’s boy, as you say, that plays a role in his decision to leave. A guy who has a good relationship with his mother, often will be a solid partner. (So that’s a good thing.) However, if a guy has an unusually “close” relationship with his mother, this might hinder his ability to put another woman first.

We know the breakup seems like it was out of the blue, but most likely he’s been soul-searching for months and months, thinking hard about what he really wants. Most likely, he was beating himself up, wishing he wasn’t questioning the relationship. And that’s why you didn’t suspect anything. He was hoping he’d work through it, so he didn’t want to alarm you prematurely by acting differently. However, in the end, he decided he couldn’t move forward with the relationship and ended it.

He was telling you the truth when he said that this is his problem, and that you didn’t do anything.  So please don’t second guess your actions. Simply put, he wasn’t ready. And your family is right. You can do better, at least better in the sense of finding someone who is more mature and understands what it takes to be in a committed relationship. (His new relationship is a rebound.)

That said, we like your attitude. It’s always best to remember the positive. But don’t pretend that everything was perfect. The key for you is to learn from your relationship and apply all that you learned to your next relationship.

If  you have any follow-up questions, feel free to email. (We’re still sorting out the comments on our site.) Be on the lookout for our brand new site being launched soon!

Take care,

THE GUYS

 

2 Comments on My fiance left me

  1. Nowadays it seems the 20s are a risky time to get engaged. With online dating its so easy to meet people and men usually want to sow their oats before settling down. Its likely he just didn’t want to commit. 26 year-olds are more immature for the most part. Still in the party stage. I left an amazing girl in my mid 20’s (or more like pushed her away until I was free to explore if you know what I mean). She went on to have 2 kids and a marriage. That’s not something I wanted at that time. Simple. Hearts are broken every hour and only time will heal.

  2. @James….Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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