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So I have been talking to this guy for a while now. He’s 20 and im almost 19. Anyway, I’m not a virgin; I lost that at 13 and I had a baby at 17, but he is.
Well today we finally tried and I couldn’t get him to stay excited for anything. And I tried everything! I have never had this happen before because usually all I have to do is look a guys way and he’s ready to go, but not him. Is there something wrong with me or what happened?
Thanks for your question. No, there’s nothing wrong with you. This is more about him actually.
Let’s get into a guy’s psyche so you can understand what’s going on. Understand, that a guy’s ego can be a fragile thing, and right off the bat your guy is feeling insecure because you’re way more experienced than he is. It’s not like he’s slept with a few people, and you’ve slept with a few more, he’s a virgin, and you’re not. Simple as that. That makes him uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. And if he’s the neurotic type, he’s already imagined you with the other guys you’ve been with and it’s driving him nuts.
In addition, if he’s really into you—you don’t say if this is just a hook up or something more serious—then he’s probably feeling nervous as well. He wants you to think he’s amazing in bed. In fact, every guy wants to be the best for each woman they sleep with. You’re probably thinking, “That’s not possible.” And you’d be right; but that’s how guys think. He wants you to think he’s amazing in the sack even though he understands that in some ways it’s not possible because it’s a new world to him; he’s never done it before.
It’s an interesting concept to ponder. Everything a person does well in life takes a lot of practice. If this guy is an athlete, well, he’s had to work at it. If he’s a musician, he’s had to practice hours and hours. In school, he’s had to do homework, write papers, study for exams, in essence practice to get better. But when it comes to sex, guys think they should just be able to walk in, take care of the business, and have it be the most amazing experience ever. (It may be for them, but it often is not for the woman. At least not that first time.) It’s amusing to think about, but it’s not amusing to guys, or this guy. What it is, is a ton of self-imposed pressure. And that kind of pressure will often impact performance. We’re sure he’s very attracted to you, but if he has all of these thoughts swirling around in his head, that’s enough to keep him flaccid and unresponsive.
So here’s a suggestion: Don’t talk about what happened. He’s already embarrassed about it. (And some guys will even blame the woman for it because of how they’re feeling inside. ) The next time, don’t create this huge buildup like, “Saturday night we’re going to consummate our relationship.” That’s too much pressure. Just let it happen naturally. Maybe while sitting on the couch, watching a movie, start kissing gently, and kind of go from there. Maybe instead of going the whole way you start with some other type of “pressure relievers” if you know what we’re saying. There are other ways to enjoy each other besides just intercourse. No pun intended, but build up slowly to the final consummation.
But to reiterate how we began, this is no way a commentary on your attractiveness or beauty. It’s a common situation that happens more than you might imagine, something that guys don’t like to talk about. Hope this helps.
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Readers: Anyone else have a sex question, leave us a comment, or send us a note on our Ask the Guys page.
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