New woman, new relationship, new sex. For most guys, the unfamiliar is an incredible high, like a powerful drug, one that causes a binary reaction, a Jekyll and Hyde twist, turning us into the most refined gentleman, but only to hide our inner-caveman who is brewing and bubbling just below the surface, waiting for a chance to spring into action.
This is why we’re so well-behaved during the initial courtship. This is why we’ll play Clash of Clans with your kid brother, give you presents just because, compliment your mother on dinner, chat politics with your dad, and bring you soup if you’re sick. It’s not that we wouldn’t do those things anyway, but the anticipation of new sex makes it impossible not to.
New, of course, is a relative term. For some of us this “newness” might last weeks, for some months and for others, even years. What is true for all guys is that eventually the unfamiliar becomes familiar and that shift can change us, some temporarily, others permanently. At this point we become less agreeable, less willing, distant, more easily frustrated, and for some, even belligerent. Which means, the guy you thought you were in a relationship with, is in fact not that guy, but someone different, someone you aren’t certain you even know. It’s like he’s a totally different guy.
This is not the time to panic. His new iteration is a form of checks and balances. It’s your guy’s way of stabilizing himself. The pendulum has to swing 180 degrees in order for him to see clearly what’s what, to be able to evaluate with a clear mind and figure out what he really wants.
It’s at this point where many relationships hit a crossroads. The man feels unsure and the woman reacts to this complete behavioral change. She asks: What is going on with him? Who is this guy I’m with? When will I get my old guy back? We won’t kid you. More than half the time things don’t shift back to that early stage bliss and the guy decides that he needs to move on to other unfamiliar pastures leaving a path of destruction in his wake. This is why guys get such a bad rap when it comes to relationships. Because this pattern feels so dishonest to women. More questions are asked: How could he do this to me? How could he change like that? I feel like I don’t even know him. The irony is, if he’s breaking up with you, his behavioral change might be the most honest thing he’s shown you.
Not all men choose to move on. Some stick around as the pendulum begins to swing back to the middle. Maturity can help a guy realize that a dip in the passion department is inevitable. He also realizes that the loss is replaced by a deeper, emotional connection and a new more meaningful and honest relationship, which then ironically, can lead to a more passionate relationship.
Of course this frustrates women to all ends because they intuitively know from the get go that having an emotional connection is the foundation for a healthy physical one. But ladies, give us a break. We aren’t wired that way. It’s not intuitive to us. We need to be with you and feel the ups and downs in order to understand what we want. We need the unfamiliar to clash with the familiar. We need to know that we are okay with the valleys and trust that the peaks will return.
We know it’s frustrating, but we hope we’re worth it.