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Online Dating: I ended the date early because I freaked out; but I really like him

Other questions about online dating: 

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

Videos about online dating: 

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

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Dear Guys,

I met a guy on an online dating website. I’m not a fan of endless emails going back and forth so I suggested we meet up the following week after having exchanged a couple of emails and phone numbers. For your information, he contacted me first.

I gave him a choice of either Thursday or Friday for our first meeting and he chose Friday. Because he was new in town, he asked me to suggest a place to meet. So came Friday, I met him outside the bar we arranged to meet at. He was very friendly and gave me a big hug. We decided to go to a coffee shop and grab a coffee instead of staying at the bar because it was too crowded there. He was very gentlemanly and offered to pay for my coffee when he saw that I had my wallet in my hand. We talked over coffee. He told me about himself, why he was here, what he did. It turned out that he had a very successful career in finance. I was very nervous the whole time because to be honest, I don’t usually meet guys like that. He was good-looking, very fit, very smart, and very well-off. There were times when I really didn’t know what to say and I’m sure I sounded like my IQ had dropped by 20 points.

After the coffee, I thought he might’ve gotten so bored of me that he wanted to leave. To my surprise, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar and get a drink. I said okay but all the bars in the area were busy on Friday night so I suggested a place that was great for talking, if he didn’t mind walking for about 20 minutes. He said he didn’t mind at all so we walked for 20 minutes to a place near where I work. All the time we were talking—he made a lot of conversation even when I was nervous and didn’t know what to talk about.

So we went to this bar near where I worked. He ordered a drink for me, asking me if I wanted my “usual” which was one of the things I told him about earlier when we were having coffee. (That I usually only drink Vodka Diet Coke.) We sat down and started talking again. We talked about a lot of random things, he told me about his family, his job. He was definitely trying to impress me during the conversation. When the conversation stopped—usually when I was nervous I didn’t know what to say—he would look at me and smile.

I think the physical attraction and chemistry was definitely there. He was very gentlemanly throughout the whole night – steered away from topics of sex, when he talked he sometimes lightly touched my arms, although I could sense he was trying to be “cautious” with the amount of physical contact. He never had his phone out of his pocket, except when I went to the bathroom; when he saw me coming back he put his phone away immediately. At one point I asked him what he liked about my profile, immediately he looked shy and embarrassed and he said that I was very pretty and also I looked like an interesting person with lots of interests and hobbies. I asked him how he found me now that he’s met me in person, whether or not he found me boring, and he said no and that he was having a great time. Then he asked me what I liked about him.

When my glass of drink was almost empty he asked me if I wanted another one but because I was so nervous I said no. He got himself another drink and we kept talking. At that point I realized he was the kind of guy I had always dreamed of, but never got to meet. I felt like I was having a panic attack because I was worried I might blow it by not being myself and then appear boring to him. So when the conversation stopped again, and he did what he usually did when I wasn’t talking, which was staring into my eyes and smiling, I said awkwardly “I think I’d better get going.”  He looked really surprised and disappointed. It was the first time in the night that his smile disappeared from his face. But he just said, “Okay let’s go.”

By that time, we had spent a little over three hours together; it was 10 o’clock. Outside the bar, he asked me which way I was headed and I told him I was headed to the station opposite to where we came. He gave me a big hug and said, “I’ll give you a call and we’ll hang out again.”

The next day he sent me a text after midnight (Sunday morning) that said “Last night was fun. Glad I got to meet you. Hope we can see each other again soon.” I texted him back the next morning, eight hours later and said, “I had a lovely time too, thank you, and would love to catch up again. I’m sorry I left abruptly on Friday, I was not feeling very well and slightly nervous.”

Now it’s Tuesday night and he still hasn’t text me back or called me. What should I do? I definitely felt there was a lot of chemistry between us but I was also worried that because he was such a smart and successful guy, I might not sounded interesting or smart enough for him.

Should I contact him if he doesn’t get back to me? Is he interested but worried that I’m not interested in him? I think that by telling him I was nervous I was basically telling him that I liked him. Or is he just plain not interested enough to ask me out again?

Chocobo

Dear Chocobo,

Thanks for your question and for your donation.

All signs tell us this guy is into you, at least from what you describe of your first date. Lightly touching your arm, remembering your favorite drink, smiling during awkward pauses, telling you that he thought you were pretty, wanting to extend the night as long as he could, texting you to let you know he had a good time, are all very positive signs. He definitely seems attracted and interested in you. In general we don’t see any issues on his side, well, except the fact that he didn’t walk you to your car, train, or transportation. Maybe he was feeling rejected, but we like to see a guy insist even if he’s feeling insecure. (Just something we had to say.)

We know that you were nervous, especially when you realized this guy was the kind of guy you had always dreamed of, but you need to stop letting your insecurities show. Obviously he’s attracted to you because he contacted you, and because of all the positive signs we noted above. And if a guy is physically attracted to a woman he is willing to give it some time to see if he is into her in other ways. Meaning, your occasional loss of words is certainly not a deal breaker. However your insecurity could be if you’re not careful. Please don’t ask him again if you’re boring. Do you think you’re boring? Probably not, right? So don’t assume he does. Let him make his own mind up. Boring to one person, is interesting to another. It’s all subjective, so there’s no need to put that out there.

Just because he’s an interesting and smart guy doesn’t mean he’s looking for someone just like him. Have you heard of Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences before? Basically Gardner says that people are smart in lots of different ways, and that there is not just one way to be smart. Just because this guy might know a lot about finance, or a variety of topics, and you don’t, doesn’t mean he’s smart and you’re not, or that you’re not good enough for him. If he judges you that way, then he’s not the kind of guy you want anyway.

“Chocobo,” just be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality a person can have. And frankly, you want him to fall for the person you are, not some projection of who you think he wants you to be.

Now to your questions. If he’s a confident guy he should contact you and ask you out again. You more than made up for your abrupt departure by letting him know you had a good time and telling him you were nervous. He should be able to pick up on that. If he doesn’t contact you this week, there’s nothing wrong with sending him another text saying you’d love to see him again. But we think you should wait it out this week. Text him next Monday.

One cautionary note: Hopefully he won’t wait until Thursday or later to ask you out for the weekend. He should be asking you out at least by Wednesday for a weekend date. Spur of the moment dates are great from Sun-Thurs, but not on a Friday and Saturday.

Chocobo—is that your nickname or a made up name?—we think you’ll get to see him again. Be patient. And hang in there. And please keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment—here in the comments section; we’ll respond here as well—or a follow up question if you see him again. Or ask us another question anytime.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Share on Twitter and Facebook. @TGPBuzz.

 

 

20 Comments on Online Dating: I ended the date early because I freaked out; but I really like him

  1. Hi Guys!

    Chocobo is my online name 🙂

    Well, I waited until Sunday and still no text from him so I sent him a text on Sunday afternoon (I know, I know, I couldn’t wait until Monday). And I did not get any replies from him!

    On Monday I found out that some of the texts I had sent to a friend of mine the previous week had gone missing, and I thought, maybe he never received my texts! Not probable, but possible…

    So I decided to send him an email on the dating site where I met him because that way I will know for sure that he has received and read my email (I will get an email notification when my email has been opened). So I did that on Thursday.

    In the email I casually asked him if he had received my reply to his text (I did not mention the text I sent him on Sunday).

    I got a notification the following day when he read my email and he replied right away. He sounded surprised to hear from me and said that he’d never received my reply to his text. He said he was happy to hear from me and that he was moving the next day (Saturday) and “Try texting me again…”

    I texted him several hours later and he replied right away. Assuming that he was honest about not receiving my text, I apologized for leaving early and asked him if he wanted to hang out again (I don’t know if that was the right thing to do – asking a guy out – but I thought that I needed to show some interest after what happened on our first date). He said yes, he would like to, but he was moving that weekend, so how about next week (which is this week). I suggested late this week and he said sure, and that he’ll text me early this week to work out a plan.

    He also texted me on Saturday and Sunday to say “Hi how’s your weekend been?” and update me on his move.

    So I think he’s at least still interested or he wouldn’t have agreed to take me out again and he wouldn’t’ve texted me on the weekend for small chats.

    I just find it hard to believe that both texts I sent him had gone missing. If the first one went missing and he did not receive it, why did he not respond to the 2nd text (in which I said “Hi, it’s Helen. How have you been?”)

    Maybe I’m over-thinking things again…

    Anyway, thanks for answering my question in a quick and detailed manner. I actually posted a follow-up comment last week but that had gone missing too!

    Chocobo

  2. @Chocobo…………Thanks for keeping us up to date here. It seems like he’s still interested. This is a wait and see type of situation. He’s kind of playing it cool a bit, and yes, we’re a bit skeptical—like you— about the mysterious lost texts, but at this point you have to believe him at his word. We’d proceed with caution, but let him do some of the pursuing for a bit. That will give you a better indication of where he’s at with you. If he’s interested he will pursue you. Good luck. And keep us posted.

  3. Good Luck Chocobo and all the best on this!

    Dear guys,

    I also need your advice on my online dating experience too. met this guy from an online dating site and we’ve been talking to each other via msn almost every day and night for 2 weeks now. We both live in different countries and it’s few thousand miles away (over 15 hours flight)from each other..However I believe there’s connection and chemistry between us. All of our conversations were great and fun, we both got great sense of humor and at the same time we can also discuss serious issues,which was amazing and sounded promising..

    However, 3 days ago, I received a serious email from him (we just had a great chat the day before this email) ..he said since we are getting closer and he wanted to be fair and come clean with me. He confronted that he’s been talking to someone else from that dating site for a couple of months now and just a week ago they decided to meet up in 2 months time. he’s telling me this because that “someone”lives in my country. He said he likes me and he didn’t expect we will get along so well,he think we can be compatible and his hope of meeting me has become very real, but there’s no guarantees and he must explore other possibility..he said he is opening to talk about this with me if I like and I deserve honesty and he wants to be fair to me…

    I was a bit shocked but I appreciated his honesty. I replied his email and told him that I like him too and I am surprised at my feelings towards him…however, since he’s decided to meet that girl and obviously he’s serious about her or he won’t travel to visit her. I told him I want him to go on with her and to be fair to her too. She’s the reason why he is visiting my country, not me. I then thank him for his honesty and appreciate him for the 2 weeks great time we chatted with each other, at the end I wish him good luck with her…

    I feel sad but I just don’t feel right to carry on something like this especially in the early stage of a potential relationship..I don’t really understand why he did that? He seems decent as he can lie to me, but he choose to be honest with me…on the other hand, it also seem he is trying his luck to see if I will be waiting and be his back up just in case that “someone” doesn’t work out?

    Do you think my reply is appropriate or was I being too subjective and didn’t even give him a chance to explain to me? But he didn’t reply me since then…he can ask for a conversation if he really wants to…but I haven’t heard from him since my reply, even we saw each other on msn he didn’t even follow up…what’s your guy’s perspective on this? And if you were me what will you do, will you talk to him and if you was he what kind of response you will be expecting from me?

    I admit that I’ve been thinking about him these days and I know it’s kind of closure now….

    Thanks a lot guys and looking forward to your advices.

    THE GUYS

  4. @Evol……We can understand how you feel. It seems the two of you have some chemistry, so to then learn he’s also possibly having the same sorts of conversations with someone else is unsettling and hurtful. However, it is a positive that he came clean. And frankly, at this stage in your “relationship” what does he really owe you? He did more than most guys would. He came clean and was honest with you. We give him credit for that. We know you might feel like his “backup plan” but truly it’s a timing issue. He met her first and wants to check it out. Seems reasonable to us. If you were in his situation you might want to do the same. Talking on the phone, or via email is very different than being with someone in the flesh. He might think both of you are great, but once he actually spends time with both of you he’ll know much better how he feels. So our advice: reach out to him again, but keep it casual. Fun. Don’t put all your hopes on this, but let him know you’re still out there and POSSIBLY open to him still. (You have time to decide how much that really means.) But for now we’d say keep meeting new people and maybe in a few months he’ll contact you and you can have whatever conversation you need to have. Hope this helps.

  5. Thanks guys, yes I understand that’s timing thing but the feeling of being a second option is not so nice tho…I’ve been missing him really…Should I reach him out again and what should I say? Do you guys think my reply was too cruel and he should think I dont want to talk to him anymore….just a day before when I updated my online profile, I found he viewed my profile again which he didn’t view it since we started contact each other…what’s your advise on the messages I should write to him to break the ice? Would appreciate for your advices again guys…Thanks a lot for make our love life easier 🙂

  6. @Evo………..Just tell him you’ve been thinking about him and wanted to say hi. Hopefully he’ll take the ball and run with it. Don’t bring up anything else. If he wants to bring it up let him. And then just see what happens. Feel free to check back in with us as this progresses. Hang in there.

  7. Just Me // July 16, 2012 at 8:29 pm //

    I “met” a man online over 7 months ago. We really hit it off and both agreed we were needed to take things slow. Eventually we started texting. Several weeks went by and we “talked” about everything…..our breakups, our children, our careers, our families, friends, etc. We became very close and the contact increased as the weeks went by. We agreed that, after the Holidays, we would meet.

    Well, after the holidays, he called and told me that his divorce was not yet final and that he did not want to meet until it was. He truly believed it would have been final by this time, which is why he was putting off meeting. He apologized and said he understood that I would likely end our “friendship.” (which, by the way, is really what it was at that point. Never any “dirty” or overly-flirtatious talk) But, he had come to care for me and wanted me to know the truth.

    I took about a week and then emailed him telling him that I would still like to be his friend and that I had a lot of respect for how he handled things.

    After that, we became even closer. Soon, there were a lot of “I miss you’s” Along with confusion over how you could long for and “miss” someone that you have never met…It was very intense.

    Finally, after a trip out of town with “the boys”, he came home and broke things off with me. Apparently “the boys” told him he needs to get on with his life and finalize his divorce….that they could see he was unhappy. And they could also see that he had fallen for me. He told me that he would contact me after he finalized his divorce details and that he hoped I would take his call. He told me that he was sorry, but that he was doing this so that we could be together.

    I was heartbroken and cried for 2 days, but knew that this was the right thing. Well, on day 3 he called and told me that he had just left his lawyers office and that things were done….
    We made plans to meet. Our meeting was amazing–as expected. For the last 2 months, we have spend every minute of free time we have had–together. (Note: we have VERY limited free time as we have demanding careers and 6 children between us) Everything has been wonderful, and fun. He called me his girlfriend and we discussed exclusivity.

    Well, as I worried about ALL ALONG….he still has a lot of baggage to deal with over his divorce. Especially in regard to the children. I have made it clear that if we decide we are in this together…that I support him 100%, and that I will demand no more of his time, but just need to be included in his life throughout the troubles he still had to overcome.

    Well, the last 2 weeks he has stopped calling. Very limited texts…mostly just to apologize for not calling. And saying that he is going through some things, and he needs to figure some things out, and that we will talk soon. I have tried to give him his space and have contacted VERY little. Although, I am sure he could sense my confusion, hurt, etc….especially those first few days. As the days have gone past, I have contacted only to say that I hope he is OK and that I am here if he needs me.

    That’s it. I contacted him via said that I will leave him alone and that I respect his need for space. Unfortunately, I then caved and left him a cheery voicemail saying I was thinking of him and that I hope he was OK and that “I hope to hear from soon!” He has ignored my last few contacts.

    Needless to say, I am confused and heartbroken. I am trying not to blame myself because I truly believe that this is not about me. But, that’s hard to do. I really, really, really am confused about why he would ignore me.

    What are the chances this could still work? Did I mess up by contacting him? I wanted him to know that I care and that I respect his needs and what he is going through. I thought not contacting at all would give him the impression that I don’t care, or that I was mad.

    Thanks, in advance.

  8. @Just Me…We can see how this would be confusing for you. Just to clarify: When a guy says he needs space to figure things out, he’s saying exactly that. If a woman said that, it’s possible she’d want her boyfriend to ignore her request and contact her, almost as a test to prove he loves her. Guys are pretty straightforward. We don’t think you blew it by contacting him, but he wants his space. (He knows you care about him already, you don’t need to prove it to him by texting/emailing or calling. That’s going to just annoy him because he’s going to feel that you’re not listening to what he’s saying and honoring his request.) On to part 2…or Part 1: Yes, he’s going to have a lot of baggage to work through. When guys get divorced, most of the time they’re not looking for another serious relationship for a long time. In fact, on the contrary, they’re often looking to date—or sleep with perhaps—as many women as they can. (Kind of making up for lost time.) This might be part of the reason he asked for his space. He’s trying to figure out if he truly wants to jump into another serious relationship. Because now it’s real. Before, he wasn’t divorced, and you provided love and support to him during a difficult time. But now that he’s finally “free” he’s not sure what to do. And if he’s hanging out with a bunch of “boys” we can assure you they are saying to him, “Dude, what are you thinking?” Now, don’t panic. We just thought you should understand what he might be going through. The good news is, he may be a guy, but he’s also an individual with a mind of his own. And if you truly have the connection you say you do, he’s not going to just throw that away without thinking about it long and hard. What you need to do right now is sit back and be patient. (We know it’s very difficult, but you need to wait for him to initiate contact with you.) What do you think? Let us know your thoughts, and if you have any follow up questions. And thanks for the donation. We appreciate it.

  9. just me // July 16, 2012 at 9:02 pm //

    Thank you for your response!
    I am very aware of a man’s need to “sow his oats” after a divorce. In fact, we have discussed it many, many times. He gets angry at the mention of it. He is not a “sleep around” kind of guy. (I know I am being laughed at right now by many readers)
    As far as the serious relationship? Same deal. I told him for months that he would not be ready after his divorce. He, again….took offense.
    He is not hanging out with a bunch of boys. He spent the last week working and home with his kids.
    I know “on paper” this looks like a textbook case of “delusional girl believing that her man is different.” But, he is. He really is. And so is this situation…..our history, etc.

    I agree that I need to give him his space. (although he did not “ask” me for it)

    But, how long is this OK for him to just ignore me and give me no explanation for his “poof”?? Isn’t there a find line between respecting his space and being a doormat?

    What he is doing is hurtful and inconsiderate. Actually, it’s down right mean. And –I don’t believe for one second that he has not made up his mind that it is over between us!!!!! The man that I fell for would never have done this. That is how I know he no longer feels the same way for me….

  10. @Just Me….Okay, if he truly has moved on, then maybe he wasn’t the man you thought he was in the first place? Which is why we’re still expecting him to contact you soon. (If he doesn’t, well, then you’ll have your answer anyway.) But you’re right, he is being inconsiderate, and you have every right to feel hurt and angry. But once again we come back to: freshly divorced = selfish. People are capable of acting contrary to way they normally act depending on the situation and circumstances. And in this circumstance he’s looking out for himself. And maybe he’s only capable of looking out for himself AND his kids of course. If you truly want to get to the bottom of this you could confront him and ask for an explanation, but we don’t see how that would be that productive. We only think you’d be hurting your cause. Unfortunately, this is a “wait and see” type of situation. Hopefully he’ll come to his senses soon. Give it another few weeks and then let us know what’s going on. We think it’s probably appropriate to contact him after that, to find out what’s really going on. In the meantime, hang in there.

  11. just me // July 16, 2012 at 9:55 pm //

    Thank you again.
    I just find it hard to believe that he would expect me to be there in a few weeks?
    And that he could call me his GF and then just not speak to me for a few weeks. Is that how you treat a GF?
    That’s why I have such a hard time believing that it’s not over for him.
    Yet….at the same time….I have a VERY hard time believing that he could end this without a word.
    I am a very forgiving person. And, I forgive him thus far….and I understand his need to be selfish right now. BUT….I just am not sure I could forgive him if I don’t hear from him for a few weeks. All he needs to do is tell me that he needs a few weeks….and I would be MORE than happy to give him that. I waited for him for 5 months before I ever met him!!! I can handle waiting a few weeks…..if I knew that was what he needed. But, without a word, I’m not so sure….

    Ugh…..
    Thanks, Guys!!!!

  12. By the way…..this is really great to hear the guys’ perspective!!!

  13. @Just Me……There’s nothing more frustrating then radio silence, and not knowing what’s going on. We’re not condoning his behavior, and we’re not saying all guys are like this, but it seems that this is what he needs to do right now. We’re hoping it’s not going to be that long. Take care and keep us posted.

  14. just me // July 17, 2012 at 8:44 pm //

    Well,
    Today…I hear that he is sorry for being silent, but every time he tries to contact me, he can’t find the words to express how he is feeling and that he keeps hoping that time will help….
    He said he is confused more and more each day, rather than finding the words….and that at this point he is ashamed and embarrassed by his behavior, which has made it even more difficult to contact me. He knows he has been unfair to me.
    I told him that I would rather wait until he KNOWS what he is feeling anyway. Rather than him rushing into a “talk” because he knows I am hurting, or because he feels pressured. I told him that I would be OK and that it is important that he take this time. And, I told him that the “silence” is what was torturing me the most. And that all I needed was for him to tell me that he needed some time…and I would have given him that. I would have waited.
    I also asked that if he knew –for sure– what he was feeling, to please let me know. That I could handle it, whatever it is…

  15. @Just Me…….So he contacted you? (It’s unclear the way you worded it.) Hopefully he’ll be honest with you and with himself when the two of you finally have the talk. Hang in there.

  16. just me // July 17, 2012 at 8:52 pm //

    yes, this was via text..

  17. @just me….Thanks. Well, good luck. And let us know. Take care.

  18. just me // July 17, 2012 at 9:31 pm //

    Thank you! 🙁

  19. charllie // July 22, 2012 at 6:10 pm //

    Dear Guys,I met a guy online months ago and I felt like I was all he ever wanted. Things were great, he would call, text me all the time though he run a busy schedule at work because he was a doctor and tell me all the nice things. He visited me twice but on the second time I saw him, we had a great time together as we always did, one thing led to the other and we slept. Ever since then, he stopped calling or even answering my calls. He hardly reply my texts but will occassionally text to say he was busy at work on so on. We had agreed to spend. A weekend together the day he visited but he cancelled on me that very morning to say he was busy at work that’s why he wasn’t keeping in touch and also was attending a wedding that weekend so couldn’t make it and then said he missed me in the end.Its been about 4 weeks now and he still hasn’t called me, only text once in a while. I once called him with a private number and he answered but then I hang up and called with my number which he ignored saying he needed time to himself because his older brother died. Was he using me? Please I need your advice.Thank you Guys

  20. @Charlie…..See our other response. But we see that we missed one point that could possibly change our opinion. We don’t know the timeline of his brother’s death, but that can certainly change a person’s world. When did that happen in terms of your relationship? Was he already gone by then?

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