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Online dating; What happened?

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Hi Guys,

I met a man online. We are both in our forties. I was pleasantly surprised he lived about five minutes from me. It started off with some really good dates and after a month became intimate. He was very nice. We were having fun getting to know one another. Then I found out he isn’t divorced just separated. I was a little mad. Not typically the guy I would date.

We continued the relationship and he said his house was mine and even mentioned at one point I could have my own drawer. But we agreed it was a tad too soon. Then he took a new job about two hrs away. I discussed how this was going to work. He said he is used to a commute and would be home about four nights a week.

I can see that he’s still online searching for women. So almost two months went by and he slowly stopped texting unless he was coming home. But when he was away, basically no calls and no texts. Then it was down to seeing him once a week. That just didn’t fly with me. I wanted more than that, so I ended it. I said I was looking for more. He never answered. It’s been a week and I feel bad. I sorta miss him although his effort had become nothing.

What happened here? Is he mad at me? Did he ever care? He still is online and dating and I can see we just aren’t on the same page. But I miss him and it bothers me he never replied. I wanted to stay friends. Any ideas or advice I would love to hear.

Thanks,

Kay

Dear Kay,

It’s hard when you see potential for a relationship to grow and the other person doesn’t. The truth is, this man is nowhere near ready for anything other than a very casual arrangement. We agree that he could have bee more considerate of your feelings and at least responded to you, but unfortunately he was not invested enough emotionally to put forth the effort.

Based on how you describe the situation, yes, he did care for you. But remember, “cared for” is all relative. Yes he cared in the sense that you were someone fun for him to hang out with. Yes, he cared because the two of you were intimate. (We’re assuming) But more likely, he wanted to care more than he did. Meaning, he probably got caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, only to realize that he was a bit over his head. So instead of talking to you about it, he slowly pulled back and stopped communicating, forcing your hand.

We don’t see a friendship playing out here. Your best bet is to cut ties and move on and try to find someone who is more open to a potential long-term relationship, rather than a recently separated guy, or even a newly divorced guy.

We are sorry. We can see why you’d be frustrated and hurt. He’s in the “making up for lost time” stage and that’s a dead-end for any woman looking to get a bit more serious.

Feel free to ask any follow-up questions. Or leave us a comment. For both, use the comments’ section below. (You must be Logged In to do so.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

 

12 Comments on Online dating; What happened?

  1. Hi guys….. Well about a week later I did here from him. He even asked me out. I wanted to go just to have fun enjoy myself and not discuss why I tried to end it. Well eventually he brought it up. Mentioned I tried to bail on him. I told him no I was basically telling you what I’m looking for. I mentioned to him. The times that you are working at at your folks. Ion would be nice to hear from you. Not just when your in town a rose the street from me. He agreed and said he would do better. We had a super fun night. Loving as usual. He even suggested down the road asked if I would ever move to the city he is now working in?! I was shocked. Well even the next night which was Xmas eve we saw each other again. It was super nice and he has put in the effort. Texts the day after and when at work. So who knows what’s going on. I like him. I like what we have. I guess I don’t need to know where it’s headed until more time is invested. For now I’m taking it as a good sign. He didn’t want to be apart from me.

  2. @Kay…..Well, it sounds positive. Maybe he woke up and realized that he didn’t want to lose you? We hope that he continues being consistent with his communication and interest. All the best.

  3. Well it has been going okay….. I see him about 2 maybe 3 times a week. But in between dates I don’t hear from him unless I reach out. The only time I hear from him is when he is making a plan with me. Like that day. This is so annoying. We have talked about it and he said he will do better. He does than it stops. The last time we hung out. We just cuddled on the couch. I left because I knew he was tired from work. Again, the next night we went to dinner and hung out, he started to fall asleep in my lap. He is under a bunch of stress. He got his divorce papers, he has a job 2 hrs away that he goes back and forth to from here when we live or his folks house which is closer. His son I know is having a tough time with the divorce. I know a relationship must be the last thing on his mind. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to walk out before. But he came back. I don’t initiate anymore but when I hear from him we go out. In fact a couple weeks ago we went out and he met my friends. Even tho he mentioned he was tired and wanted to stay in he said ” no lets go” I want to meet your friends. He is super nice and sweet when we are together. But other than that. There is nothing. How can we get closer? How does this progress forward. I feel like I’m wasting time or then maybe I’m being impatient. I’m just confused. I do know when we met we were both online. His profile stated he wanted a long term committed relationship. But this isn’t how u get one. Any advice where I go with this?

  4. @Kay…..This seems like a mixed-bag of fun times and frustration. We don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon, and the fact that there’s little to no communication in between dates tells us this is about all he can handle right now. He wants you when he wants you, but he can’t give you anymore than that, at least not now. Could that change down the line? It’s possible, but from our experience, he’s got a ways to go, especially if he’s not even divorced yet. We don’t see him jumping into anything serious anytime soon. Sorry. Could you wait it out? Yes, you could. Maybe until after his divorce is final. But at some point he’s got to either step up to the plate, or tell you the truth: that this isn’t going anywhere. For now, you’re on standby and he’s content with how things are.

  5. Yes and that was why I tried awhile ago to be done and move on. I’ve been in the dating world far longer than him and his once or twice a week is nothing I want. That’s not enough for any relationship to progress. Then on top of that there is hardly any communication in between. That’s what makes it ten times harder. I think for now. I will be just unavailable, If he asks me out. I feel bad and I know he will be bummed. But this is not fun for me. I will just have to try again and speak from my heart and tell him I want more and he can’t give me what I’m looking for. Thanks for the reply. I see this being a dead end and I am not waiting around.

  6. @Kay……We’re really sorry. So, are you going to at least talk to him one more time about what you want, or are you just going to move on?

  7. I haven’t decided. Today is usually the day he re appears and is at his house by me. I’m sure he will do his usual. Text or call later to say he is going to be home and ask me out. I am going to have to decline. He will ask why and I’m not sure what I will say. Being the honest woman I am I will just have to repeat this is not for me. This isn’t enough. I can’t imagine any woman searching for a relationship would be happy with this situation. One thing that rang true for me was, I talk to a good male friend who is an ex from years and years ago. I realized I have talked to him more in the last week than the guy I’ve been dating for 3 months. That’s pretty pathetic. So lesson learned. Do not date a man who has not resolved his marriage let alone any other issues that come along with it. Will let u all know how it goes…. Thanks guys!!!!

  8. @kay…..You are welcome. Keep us posted.

  9. Like clock work….. Sent his usual text asking me out for Tuesday. I told him he wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t let up. Texted later mentioned he ordered pizza and if I wanted some I should come over. I said no thanks, I’m good. Have a good night. Then like clock work. Wednesday the same….. Text asking how my day was and if he was going to see me ? I took awhile to reply. Mentioned my day but ignored his request to see me. He sent another and another. I just found myself not wanting to even deal with him at this point. I know that’s sad and is women hate when men do that to us. But honestly this isn’t what I want from him. He got so pathetic that after me not replying to a single text or request to see me or go out at 8pm last night he sent a text just saying “hi” ….. Ugh I finally said Hi and told him I was staying home. Never heard anything since. I can’t imagine his lack of effort would make me or anyone want to see him. I also saw his online profile has all been changed basically revamped. Lol….. Best wishes to him. I’m sure next time he is back in town he will try me again.

  10. @Kay……So how are you feeling about it? Are you okay with what happened? What is your plan now?

  11. How do I feel? I’m fine. Just shows me he is on a different page than I am and I knew that a month ago. I’m not going to be the “gal” that fills his void since he is just going thru a divorce. Whether the void be loneliness, sex friendship. He needs to deal with those on his own until is ready for a relationship. If he even cared he would have tried asking me what’s wrong? Or reached out after two days of blowing him off. He left back to work and staying at his folks house and will re appear when he is back up here. I’m okay because I know this isn’t what I want yet deserve. I’m worth way more than this.

  12. @Kay….We agree. You absolutely are. All the best to you.

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