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Question/Answer: The trip to Vegas

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend went to Vegas almost 2 months ago and he left with my full trust. When he came back he wouldn’t show me the pictures he took there which was odd because he would always show me pictures of his trips. I thought he was hiding something from me so when I got a hold of the pictures, I found one of him and his very good friend, which is a girl, sleeping in the same bed. I knew someone was gonna sleep next to him but I didn’t expect them to be cuddling. I confronted him about the picture and he said they had passed out but I don’t think that’s an excuse to be cuddling like that. I feel like he likes her even though he tells me they are just friends and have been for 5 yrs. But I can’t get past the picture and how flirty they act around each other. So is it possible that he has a thing for her but won’t admit it or that he really isn’t into her?

Sylvia

Dear Sylvia,

Thanks for writing. Obviously you read last week’s post about friendships with people of the opposite sex. And while we wholeheartedly feel that this type of relationship is possible, your situation is a bit different.

Men and women can absolutely be friends, but if either one of them is in a committed relationship the rules change a bit. This would mean absolutely no trips together, and especially to Vegas. That’s your first red flag. Why weren’t you invited? And why did he think it was okay to take a trip and sleep in the same bed with this so called friend? Whether he did anything or not is almost irrelevant. It’s an odd, but telling choice by him.

Friendships shouldn’t impinge upon the emotional connection a person has with his or her partner. And if your boyfriend is leaning on his “friend” to provide him with this type of emotional connection, he must not be getting it from you. Or maybe he feels like he can be more himself and that’s why he likes hanging out with her? Whatever the case may be, we feel his behavior and this relationship is inappropriate while he’s in a relationship with you.

So now you have to figure out what you’re going to do. The first question you need to ask is, “Will you be able to truly trust him again?”

If the answer is no, then you have your answer. Time to move on.

If the answer is yes, then you have to ask yourself some other questions.

“Am I okay with him being friends with this woman or any other woman?”

“Am I willing to have a serious talk with him to talk about boundaries?”

“Am I willing to voice my feelings before any situation escalates out of control?”

“Am I truly happy, or am I settling for a guy and a situation I’m not completely comfortable with?”

“Why am I allowing this guy to behave however he wants?”

We don’t like to actually tell you what to do, but you have every right to feel concerned, suspicious and upset. The fact that he didn’t want to show you the pictures should tell you something. And he shouldn’t be sleeping with or cuddling with anyone else. Of course you probably shouldn’t have looked at the pictures without his permission, but that’s moot now. The bottom line is, he behaved inappropriately and frankly we wouldn’t be comfortable in this type of relationship. He’s certainly proven himself to be untrustworthy, and is clearly not telling you the whole story.

So yes it’s possible he’s into this girl, but if it’s not her it could be someone else. The biggest issue is his behavior in a committed relationship. Clearly he doesn’t view your relationship as seriously as you do.

Good luck sorting this out. And please check back and read the comments for more opinions. And believe us, you’ll get some!

THE GUYS

20 Comments on Question/Answer: The trip to Vegas

  1. Sylvia – He’s diggin her. Whether its just emotionally (& not physically) – he is still diggin someone beyond you. Unless you want to share him – move on. There will be someone who wants you & only you. Good luck with your decision!

  2. There’s no general rule here. All that matters is your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with. Discuss it with him and see how it develops. It could be a growing experience for the both of you.

  3. sylvia – he is beyond a shadow of a doubt hiding something. why weren’t you invited? cuddling is not acceptable. the guys put it all very gently and in question format, but you should move on before it gets worse and while you still have some control.

  4. I think The Guys have given you EXCELLENT advice Sylvia. I would also like to know how come YOU weren’t invited? Obviously this was NOT an all guys trip or SHE wouldn’t have been there. And he absolutely shouldn’t be sleeping with or cuddling with anyone else. That’s just my opinion.

  5. Dittoing what the Guys said. And, if you can’t trust him again (and in this situation it sounds like a LOT of work on your end…are you willing to put that much work into the relationship? Is he?) and if the answer is no, move fast. It’s so hard to end something you had so many hopes and dreams pinned on. If your answer is no, run. Don’t drag it out, don’t let him talk you into sticking around waiting for him “to change”. Odds are, he really isn’t going to put enough effort into proving he’s trustworthy. After all, he’d have to change his other relationships to make yours work.

    Good luck, Sylvia. Sincerely.

  6. Spelled my own name wrong! Damn.

  7. So where is my comment? OMG. Sigh….

    What I said was I totally agree with what the guys said. Be honest with yourself. Do you think there’s a chance you could trust him again? Are you willing to put the work into the relationship? Is he? Is he willing to prove he’s trustworthy? After all, he’d have to change his other relationships to make yours work. That will seem like a LOT of effort on his part, and chances are even if he says he’ll do it…he’ll get frustrated (he still has to deal with your feelings) and will give up. He’ll at least come very close to giving up.

    If your answer is no, then run. Don’t keep “trying”…you can’t have a one-sided relationship. You can’t fix the relationship on your own. You’re both in it. And, if it means more to you than it does to him then go quickly. Don’t look back. Don’t let him talk you into anything. It’ll only hurt more later.

    Good luck, Sylvia.

  8. So is it possible that he has a thing for her but won’t admit it or that he really isn’t into her?

    Action speaks louder than words. Don’t listen to what a person says. Pay attention to his gestures while he is talking. I suggest that you read this if you want to know if someone is not telling you the truth:

    Never Be Lied to Again: How to Get the Truth Out of Anyone! (David J. Lieberman, Ph.D.)
    Here’s the link: http://www.mindpowernews.com/NeverBeLiedToAgain.htm

  9. Amen. It was weird that they were together there in the first place and his girlfriend wasn’t invited!! Not cool. Even if nothing “happened”, trust has been violated, even by refusing to show her pictures. And who took these pics? Was it another friend? Anyway, good advice…sounds like they need to have a serious conversation about it.

  10. To one of the guys: I left you a message on my blog today, in response to your comment.

  11. Sylvia,
    You gave your complete trust to your boyfriend and instead of letting you know exactly what was happening he covered it up. Why didn’t he show you the pictures? How did you find them? Do you think maybe he wanted you to find them?

    With a boyfriend you are in a committed relationship and it is still very new. In a new relationship you should be his center. If he is cuddling with another woman I actually think this is worse than if they slept together. Men will sleep with anyone, but they don’t cuddle with everyone. If I were you I would ask him to stop seeing this friend without you. If he won’t do that then you have to make a choice. He can still see her, but you need to be there. I think that is only fair, if you want to keep seeing him. Otherwise, he has to make a decision.

    I am reminded of that Friends episode when Ross’s new girlfriend refused to let him see Rachel. She didn’t trust their relationship and she was right.:) Just my own thoughts. For the record I am married for almost 45 years to the same man.

  12. Bullshit.

    He’s fucking her. Men and women cannot be friends. I’ll say it over and over and over.

    What a dumbfuck, why didn’t he just delete the picture??? I wouldn’t be with someone so fucking ass bag-ish anyway.

    Good thing she didn’t write to me GUyS… You are too nice.

  13. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck – it probably is a duck. Not a good situation.

    Good luck, Sylvia.

  14. My ex-husband’s best friend had a relationship like that with his best friend (a girl). They would go to concerts together and everything else while the wife stayed home with the kids. They had been friends since high school. He swore no feelings were involved but when they divorced (he was cheating with a neighbors wife). He ended up getting with his “best gal pal”. They are now engaged to be married.

    My best advice. Listen to your gut. Know what you deserve. A healthy, loving, comfortable relationship full of trust. You are worth it!

  15. Yikes…this story is most definitely full of red flags.. I doubt he would be as understanding if the shoe was on the other foot…
    As The Guys mentioned…there is a fine line that should not be crossed between all friendships..whether it be guy-girl, girl-girl, guy-guy…that is the emotional and personal one.

    In any situation of group friends… separate bedrooms for opposite genders are the way to go in order to avoid any misconceptions on all parties involved.

    We all know how things can play out or end up when we get ‘drunk’…whether the intent is there or not is really a hard fact to get past when we see physical photos such as the ones stated in this story.
    The photos have created insecure feelings in this young lady so I doubt she will be able to get past them.

  16. Enter your comments here…

    “….. so when I got hold of the pictures..”

    If you go looking for stuff, take responsibility for what you may find.

    A very old and relevant piece of wisdom.

    He said ‘No’ – you didn’t respect that. Look at your boundaries before you look at his and make projections and judgements about what he may or may not have done.

    You are powerless over other people, but you can change you. How about apologising for looking at the photos and then telling him honestly how you feel. Then let go of the outcome.

    if you and this man are meant to be together, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. If however, you have to wheedle and manipulate to hold on to the relationship, well perhaps he isn’t the one for you.

  17. One, he is stupid for letting her see this picture. Two, he is a skuzbucket for sleeping/cuddling with his “friend” of the opposite sex. I’m not sure if this happened to me (if I saw a pic of my wife with another guy in bed) that I could calmly ask those questions you listed, in regards, to the situation. I’m not saying she shouldn’t try to remain calm but I think most people would find that process to be incredibly difficult. The questions are good and well thought out, though, on your part. The “drunk” excuse seems a tad lame. Good post.

  18. I don’t know what’s worse. Whether or not he went and didn’t invite you and probably cheated on you or the fact that you’re even asking the question. I know it’s hard to think, but if you have to EVER go behind your boyfriend’s back to find out the truth, there’s something wrong. The End.

  19. The guys couldn’t have said it better. I’m sorry because it’s probably not what you wanted to hear. I’ve been there girl-I’ve become the snoop because I suspected my boyfriend was cheating. Turns out he was. The fact that I felt the urge to snoop in the first place was a big warning sign. My advice would be to get out of this now. He’s being dishonest with you and you’re doing it right back by snooping. Time to move on.

  20. This is a relationship that definitely needed some boundaries set before the Vegas trip that included a female friend. Forgiving is so much easier than forgetting, and I think that this would be a tough one to get past. I also find it weird that the guy would have kept the evidence ie. the photo of him cuddling with this girl. If he wanted to hide the incident it would have made sense to delete it, and if he wanted to confess, it would have made sense to do this before she saw the picture.

    Anyway, between the picture and the flirting I think that there is attraction between the two of them. I think that one of the biggest rules for friendships with the opposite sex is that there can’t be attraction between the two. if there is, then they are just playing with fire.

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