Relationship Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vBKfu2GXTk

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THE GUYS

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Read the script:

We get lots of questions each week on our website. We answer them on the Ask the Guys page, on our podcast, The Guy’s Perspective Podcast on itunes, and soon to be on videos. One of the main questions we get is, “am I getting played?”

Our basic rule is, If you think you’re getting played, it’s likely you’re getting played…….

We believe you need to listen to your gut. It’s telling you something, like it does after you pig out on ice cream and truffles waiting for him to call. He doesn’t call. Unfortunately, he’s out with the cute twins down the street. But those five scoops of double fudge chocolate do taste pretty good going down, but not so good after the hours at the gym required to restore your natural order, although it is nice to catch up on those daytime soaps you missed.

If you’re still fighting your gut, open your eyes and be your own detective. Not a stalker……Not a stalker….. Here are some things to look for.

Does your guy go unaccounted for….hours at a time….or even days?

Is he taking trips with the guys to places like Vegas or Miami Beach, saying he’s going to play the slots, hang with his boys, and just chill? “Chill”

He won’t let you come to his house will he? (no entrance sign) Only meets you at yours. Or at the local dive. Hey, you’re cool. You can hang with the regulars..but not his friends.

What, you haven’t met his friends?

Seriously. You haven’t met his friends?

Is he too busy at work to call you? He only texts you doesn’t he. He won’t friend you on Facebook. Says he’s never on there anyway. Tell that to his two thousand contacts.

Probably forgets about your dates occasionally. Then apologizes profusely. But does it again. And again.

Doesn’t matter. He never has enough money to pay the tab anyway. That’s when he even takes you out. What you don’t like his pirated video collection?

He’s out of town for work a lot isn’t he? But you never seem to get all the details. Just some new embroidered towels and a pack of exotic matches, which he keeps borrowing from you when he stinks up your bathroom….after he shows up around midnight just to “hang out.”

You get the picture. You do get the picture don’t you?

So open your eyes and see what’s in front of you. What’s that? No, sorry you can’t go through his phone. You can’t go through his computer. Remember, you’re not a stalker.

Are you seriously thinking about going through his emails? Stop! You can’t do that. Think about what you’re contemplating. And what are you going to do with the evidence? You can’t use it to fix your relationship. Well, I guess you could use it to expose him on Facebook. Hmmm….that might be useful after all. And he’ll never find out, since he’s never on there anyway.

But really, if you’re contemplating this line of action don’t you think things have already reached the point of no return…like agreeing to a threesome, only to have him fall for number three?

Is this really a relationship you’ve got going? Or some kind of farce…. like an election that needs a recount. Or lip synching. Or some dog that ends in doodle. If you won’t believe your gut then at least believe your friends. They know better than you. But we’ll save that for next time.

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And until next time. Keep those eyes open.

 

 

50 Comments on Relationship Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

  1. @Neha….Question: Is it awkward for him or for you? If it’s you, then that means all of the awkwardness is internal. If it’s him, then you need to reassure him that you value the friendship, but you’re not looking for more. If you send that message and behave consistently, over time the awkwardness will fade and you’ll be left with a great friend. But he has to be committed to letting the awkwardness fade, as do you. Otherwise, if he holds onto it, it won’t matter what you do. What do you think? Does this make sense?

  2. Its awkward for me, in the sense its hard to understand his intentions…
    What other intentions could he have when he constantly tells me that he loves to talk to me and he thinks i am a close friend…Maybe its me who feels more awkward because I did feel for him. Now to take him as a friend…maybe i’ll need to change the way i look at our friendship…and that would mean spending time and letting him know that i want a great ‘friendship’, and that would mean no flirting and these constant talks need to come to a halt as well..
    In short what I need is a bit of space and so does he..Is that right??

  3. @Neha……Trust your gut Neha. You have the answer. If space is what you think it’s probably right. But yes, to respond to your comments and thoughts, making things more clear—that you are just good friends—will help the awkwardness go away. Good luck and keep in touch. We’d love to hear how things are going. Take care.

  4. Dear Guys,

    There’s this guy. (Well, I guess there’s always a guy here, right?). We’re both college freshmen. I saw him around everywhere on campus the first few weeks but never said anything to him. The last few weeks I’ve been keeping catching him staring at me (and okay it’s not like I’ve never checked him out before), but I just kept about my business and acted like I didn’t notice because I was confused. A few days ago, through a chance meeting with a class being canceled and me showing up early, we got to talking and kinda hit it off. He ended up leaving the girls he usually sits with to sit by me in class and gave me his number. I promptly told him that “I don’t call boys” (kinda joking, kinda not. because I didn’t want to be “easy” for him.) and he laughed and told me to text him so he had my number. So I did later and we texted for a bit (kinda flirty but maybe that’s just the way he is) but then I missed seeing one of his text messages until it was too late and so didn’t text him back at all! yikes. what should I do?
    Also. How much interest should I show without being too forward? This guy is an athlete, super poplar, tons of girl friends, and I’m sure he gets this all the time. I don’t want to be one of many for anyone!! How do I know if he’s interested? Will he ask me out if he wants to go out, or does he need me to give him something more to go on? I have a feeling he’s sensitive under all that “swag” :).

    thanks!
    Lilly

  5. @Lilly….Funny. Yes, they’re all sensitive under that “swag!” Don’t give him much, that’s for sure. Good for you for saying, “I don’t call boys.” He’s used to handing out his number and having girls call him. Don’t be one of those girls because it’s not going to get you anywhere. We’re not saying you have to play major games here, but he should be the one pursuing you and initiating phone calls, texts, dates. Until something is established between the two of you down the road. You’ve already given him enough to go on. Don’t fawn all over him. Let him come to you and ask you out. If you were out of college we’d stress that he should take you out on proper dates, not just have you come hang out as his apartment; but since you’re in college that may look different since money is not always available. However, whatever the college equivalent of going out on real dates is, that’s what he should be asking you to do, not come over and play beer pong, get drunk, and then hook up. That way you’ll know if he’s really interested in you, or just another conquest. Make sense? What do you think? What’s your plan? ps. Please share our site with friends. We’d appreciate it. Thanks. Facebook, Twitter, Face-to-Face. We’re relaunching a brand new site soon. Keep us posted as things progress and ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

  6. ive been with boyfriend over 2 years, from the beginning we have always had amazing all the time sex until about a month ago when it just STOPPED. last month he also told me he had cheated with numerous people during the first year of our relationship including an ex that he still talks to, and i chose to forgive him and try again. I’ve asked him straight up if he’s done with me.. he says no, and that he loves me, i’ve asked him if he still finds me attractive sexually, and he says yes.. I’ve asked him straight up to just tell me.. he says he just is thinking alot. I’ve stripped down nude in front of him, he wouldnt look or even touch me..i’ve sat on him completely naked kissing on him..he pushed me off.. i laid in his lap and watched a porn with him (usually after 5 minutes he ready to go to the bed) but he picked me up off him.. and what is confusing me.. when he thinks i’m sleeping he jacks off, and i’ve caught him before without him seeing me.. please help……UPDATE; just found found out about 2 more girls..

  7. @Lindsay…..We’re not quite sure what the question is. Because from what you describe of this guy, we’d say he’s not much of a boyfriend. Maybe you care for him, but you deserve a heck of a lot better than this.. He’s basically taken advantage of you since the get go. So it almost doesn’t matter what’s going on now. The point is, we don’t see him as the kind of guy you’d want to build a life with. There are guys out there that will respect you, and treat you well. But you’ve got to let go of this guy first. And maybe that’s what he’s doing now. Maybe he’s acting this way so you’ll finally move on. Maybe you should take him up on it. Your thoughts?

  8. ….ughh..I left out the part where he is the father of our almost 1yr old son ..but :: UPDATE :: I left, but before I left he had the nerve to tell me my sex was boring (WHATever) and then put his hands on me.. it’s been 4 days and I’ve yet to hear 1 single word from him. Which is making this so much easier for me since the only reason I was holding on so tight was for the sake of our son. Thanks Guys.. there is still someone out there for me somewhere..

  9. @Lindsay….We’re sorry about all of this. But yes there is someone out there for you. For sure. You’ve got to work through this first. And figure out what it’s going to “look like” as you move forward. Meaning, how it will all play out with you, him, living arrangements, your son, day care, etc. etc. Lots to work out but we’re confident you’re on your way to putting things back together. Take care and come back anytime with questions or updates or to vote with our new website coming very soon.

  10. dear guys, there is this guy that i like alot. At first every thing was fine but he has a lot of female friends and it was beginning to bug me whenever he chats a girl up in my presence. after some time, i asked him what i was to him, he had asked me first where i placed him since i have a male best friend(three weeks after we started hanging out). well he told me that we needed to talk and that he does not want a serious relationship now but he values our connection with each other and he does not want to hurt me?! and to him, i was a very good friend. this is a guy that have kissed me and all. i feel like maybe i scared him away, so i said that i wouldn’t call him the way i used to and i wouldn’t visit him the way i used to. but i miss him so much. the other day i called and he sounded cautious. the thing is i still like him, what should i do? is there a way to get him to like me again? maybe now as a girlfriend and not just a friend? thank you.

  11. @Rena……The only way you can get him to like you is by being yourself. If he sees how great you are then maybe he’ll be interested in something more. But as far as convincing him to like you, no, there’s nothing you can do. People have to decide these things for themselves. However, we don’t think you scared him away, so you don’t need to be worried about that. Just try to be cool and see how it plays out. If he doesn’t change his mind, then we’re sure there are other guys who will be interested. Keep us posted and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. ps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  12. Hey guys, I go to college, and the guy I saw on first day, I liked him, never thought it’d be anything more than that, however, he looked at me a few times, but looked away quickly thinking I didn’t notice it.

    He has a great personality, he is a friendly person (he had about 20 people following him around the first day, even more now), and he looks out for everyone, he is our class representative.

    He never really spoke to me, he spoke to everyone else in the class.

    A few weeks after, I told him that I had an optician’s appointment, therefore I have to leave, he looked confused and said “Okay, hope everything else is fine, I will let the tutor know.”.

    That same day he saw me at the bus stop with one of my friends (guy friend), I am really close to him, he hugs me sometimes, he watched us hug.

    The next day, he looked pretty upset, he came over to me and asked me if I was alright, and how my boyfriend was doing, so I asked him “what boyfriend?”, “the guy you were with yesterday…” he said.

    So I told him he’s just a friend. We started talking after that, I found out how polite he was, he was such a gentleman, he always made everyone laugh , solved pretty much all the problems anyone had and he was really good at expressing how he felt.

    I added him on Facebook, we got to talking, and he kept saying “I need to tell you something”, I asked him to “say it then”, “Never mind” he replied, I insisted that he says what was on his mind, and he said “I like you.”

    I was pretty thrilled, I couldn’t believe it, so I asked “What do you mean?” “I have liked you ever since the first day, I have a crush on you, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, but I tried not to stare, so, I kept my distance, but every time you spoke to me I felt clumsy and dumb..” he said.

    Now, I have been in a bad relationship in past, my ex said all that then broke my heart, so I couldn’t trust him.

    I tried to ignore this guy for a while, but he would keep asking me if I was al-right, so I made it clear to him that I do not want a relationship, so he said “do you think you could ever be interested in a relationship?, and if not, it’s fine with me, I don’t need anything labelled, I am happy with whatever you are comfortable with.”

    He would keep on expressing how much he loves me, and adores me, how he thinks I am the most perfect, gorgeous/beautiful and amazing girl in the world.

    He always defends me against everyone, a little over protective of me (not complaining though), he would ask me how I am doing, and what he could do to make me feel better, he would listen to me, talk to me all day long, he has always helped me with everything, I feel like as if I am using him.

    He doesn’t let me thank him, he gets really shy around me, and I do too around him.

    A few days ago he insisted to hold my hand, I denied, so he made a puppy-dog face, and pulled his hand back. I felt bad, so I tickled him a little, he tickled me back, so I held his hand after a while. We held hands and kept on talking for hours, however, we couldn’t make eye contacts. I had to leave, but he wouldn’t let go of my hand, I found it cute, but I am not sure why would he hold my hand for this long, and not let go, he pulled me towards him and whispered “I love you” in my ear.

    He tells me he loves me a lot, I asked him if he was attached, he said “a little bit”, so I asked him to forget me, because I could never hurt him. “You are the one person I don’t mind hurting me, I love you” he replied.

    He asked for my number, and we text each other all day, however busy he is, he keeps up with me, and is always aware of anything I have ever told him about my favourite stuff, my parents and siblings.

    Once I told him about my ex, and he said that he wants to know what happened so he could try and not do the same, “I promise not to hurt you ever, I love you way too much, I will try and make you forget your past”

    Once I showed him a picture of me, with bruises, and he literally cried, and asked me who did that, he somehow found out my ex, and beat him up for that.

    He is a obsessed with me, I can tell, but I am not sure if just for my pants or does he actually like me…

    My ex said a lot of that stuff, and was pretty nice guy, but he would beat me up, and never respected me after the first month of our relationship, we stayed together for about 3 months.

    So the only thing I am confused about is, does he actually love me? Because I don’t want this to be like what happened with my ex.

  13. @Jaan…….We don’t know this guy, so it’s hard to say exactly what’s going on in his head. He certainly sounds like he’s way into you. However, it’s too soon to know. The real way to gauge if is a guy is in love with you is how they treat you after you’ve been intimate. (We’re not suggesting you do that; we’re explaining.) Because up until that point it’s like extended foreplay. Right now, every time he sees you his whole being is on overload. Circuits are connecting, his body is humming, and he is completely overwhelmed by just seeing you. It’s normal at the infatuation stage of a relationship. So we can’t give you a definitive answer right now, since the two of you haven’t started dating yet, and nothing much has happened. You’re right to be cautious and we don’t blame you after describing the nature of your previous relationship. Abuse is a difficult thing to get over. (Did your parents know about your boyfriend beating you up? And another question: You said this new guy beat your ex up? What do you mean? They got in a fight? And….How old are you? And how old is this new guy?) Fill us in some more and we’ll give you a few more ideas/opinions. Thanks.

  14. Hey guys, well, my best friend told this guy that my ex used to beat me up, so he asked her, not me. After that, this is how my friend said it happened; ‘He rushed out the door, in anger. He had tears in his eyes’ again I wasn’t there so I don’t know how much of that is true. However, I found all this out after he went and attacked my ex, and threatened him to stay away from me, my ex had messaged me on facebook, explaining what happened. I hate my ex, so I blocked him off facebook, thinking he was lying, so I asked this guy, “Sorry when your friend told me that he had hurt you, my stomach dropped, it was like as if somebody had stabbed me in the heart, so I went mental and I knew your ex, he used to be a friend but I hate him more than ever now.” he said.

    I left without saying anything, because I had no words. I was shocked he would do such thing (for me).

    Note: He has no criminal record (My dad is a police officer, and I had him look it up, I am not sure how he did it but he says that he’s clean).

    I am eighteen, the new guy is twenty.

    We were texting day before yesterday, and I was mad at him, because he wouldn’t do his work and kept on texting me (I was not annoyed at all, I was flattered), so I told him to do his work and stop texting me so much, or I will never speak to him again.

    He went missing (as in he didn’t text me in a while) for a few hours, so I texted him saying “hey”, he didn’t reply, so I got worried. After a little while he replied saying “so can I talk to you now?”, “I didn’t mean to upset you” I replied, “I missed you so much! It was so hard for me not to talk to you” he said, “Aww, that is so sweet! I missed you too :)” I replied, “I love you so much” he said, “Liar :P” I replied. That is where things went pretty bad…

    “How do I prove it, that I love you more than anything?” he said, “Idk 😛 what would you do to prove it?”, I asked.
    He went missing for another 40-50 minutes, and came back to find out I had messaged him about 20 times, he said “Back”, I asked him where he was, and he sent me a picture of his arm, which had my name carved on it (was bloody), I literally cried… that he did that… after getting no reply from me he said “Please, talk to me 🙁 I would do anything for you, I love you”.

    I then thought it was fake, so I spoke to him, asking if it was real, he said “which answer would make you happier”, “just tell me ffs, it better not be real!” I replied, “It was fake” he said, and I went to bed after that.

    Yesterday in college he had his sleeves all the way down, usually he has them folded up (show off), so I knew he lied to me. I forced him to show me his arm, and it was real, I could see, his arm was swollen (infected, maybe). So I told him to not to talk to me again, and he just dropped on his knees (I felt really bad seeing that, but I didn’t show), and kept looking at me while I was out of the sight, I kept looking back…

    I love this guy, a lot, he’s attractive, he’s really polite, and a bright student, however, it kind of scares me a little, how he went over to my ex’ and attacked him, and cut himself just to prove something I said as a joke..

    Do you think he could attack me too, if I got him mad over something, or does he love me way too much to do so?

  15. Sorry forgot to mention that if my dad knew that my ex beat me up, he’d be in so much trouble, and I still loved him, it was just his anger I couldn’t handle, or we’d still be together.

    Also, when I mention anything about other guys, he gets jealous, you could tell by the look on his face, however, he still listens to me. He also understands that I don’t want a relationship, he is willing to wait, I told him I don’t want him to wait on me. But he keeps on saying that he doesn’t mind if we are not in a relationship, he just wants me to like him back a little bit and he is fine.

    As I said above, he is the sweetest person I have ever met, the stuff he says, how much he cares, and how calm he is usually (minus the fact he cut himself + beat up my ex)… It is just unreal. He defends me against everyone, even the teachers (and by defending I don’t mean physically, I mean; generally, he doesn’t let anyone pick on me.

    The sad thing is, I can actually imagine us being together 10 years from now, but I am scared, I don’t want him to change… I would not be able to deal with it…

  16. @Jaan…….This guy seems a bit over the top. But let’s back up. What do you want? That’s what’s confusing to us. The only person you really mention loving is your abusive ex. You don’t really say you love this guy. You say you love that he does these things for you, however they scare you. And frankly, we understand. Beating someone up, or cutting yourself to prove you love someone is a bit scary, and in some ways it’s manipulative. (Like: Look at what I’ve done for you. Now you must love me.) It almost seems like he’s watched too many movies where they do these kinds of things. You’re right to feel a bit uneasy about all of this. What does your gut tell you to do? And once again, what do you really want? If you don’t see yourself in a relationship with this guy then we think you need to cool the communication with him. We’re not saying cut him off, just cool it.

  17. Hey guys, I don’t like my ex any more. I love this guy, he means a lot to me, he makes me laugh and he can never see me upset, he promised me that he would never cut himself, or beat anyone again.

    And for some reason, I believe him. I can actually imagine me and him in a relationship, just not yet though.

    There are some other girls who like him, but he has told them that he only likes me, and I don’t want to lose him, he seems like the guy every girl dreams of.

    My gut feeling tells me to give him a go. So hmmm.. lets see what happens next :p, thanks for your help @One of the Guys

  18. @Jaan…..Okay, well you gotta go with your gut. But we still think you need to keep your eyes open with this guy as you move forward. Some of his behaviors are a bit alarming. Keep an eye out for any more of this type of behavior. (Cutting, fighting, etc. Definitely a red-flag) And definitely keep us posted. ps. Please share our site with your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  19. So my question is kind of general. How do you know if you are trusting your gut or if you are being paranoid? I have always been quick to end relationships. My mom used to tell me that I change men like I change underwear! LOL My mother also says that I don’t ever give anyone a chance. I was in love with this guy once. We acted like a couple but he refused to call us one. I broke up with him and ripped my heart into shreds in the process. I found out later that he had a rough relationship with the previous girlfriend (she was repeatedly cheating on him)and that’s why he didn’t want to go there. Everyone blamed me for freaking out. He is now married by the way. Just recently, I was dating this guy. I felt like he was not being honest with me. All of my friends told me to give him a chance and not to break up with him right away and I decided to listen given the previous situation. I was two months in at the time. 4 months later, he drops off the face of the earth with no explaination. I never really caught him in any lies but it seems like I was right. Was i right? Or maybe I just chased him away because I was always questioning him. What do you guys think?

  20. @Janel……First of all, thank you for your donation! We appreciate it. So we have some questions for you to give us a little more background on you. (More information will help us answer your question more thoroughly. Thanks.) How old are you? Why are you quick to end your relationships? Is it because you suspect the guys you are dating are up to something, or is it that they don’t meet some sort of requirements you have? Or is it something else? What kinds of questions were you asking this last guy? Did he do something to make you question him all of the time? What’s the longest relationship you’ve been in? Fill us in if you could. And we’ll get back to you early in the morning. We’re calling it a night. But will be back in less than 8 hours. We’ll get to your question first thing. Thanks.

  21. So here are the answers to your questions.

    Age: 31

    Why am I quick to end my relationships:
    I feel like most guys were cheating on me or not into me the way I am into them.

    What did last boyfriend do to make me question him:
    He would periodcally disappear for a day or two. he would say he was busy working. We were out to sea at the time on the same aircraft carrier so keeping in touch can be difficult but not impossible. I would call his berthing for him at night and his roomates would tell me that he wasn’t there. he would say that they didn’t even look for him and he was in his rack watching TV. I don’t beleive him because I was told this very often not just once or twice. My thought process that if someone didn’t bother to look, they would just say he’s asleep. Oh and a weird issue was he said that he was a single father of 2 children. I asked to see pictures of them and he didn’t have any! He had pics of his other family members on his phone but none of his two children. He said that he had some on his hard drive but it got stolen. He told me that they were on his facebook. when he friended me, there was no pictures of them there either. He told me that his sister may have took them off of his facebook page, which makes not sense to me.

    Longest relationship: In succession, 6 months. On and off 8 months.

    He became friends with some my friends and when I gave them this info and wondered if he was married or had another girlfriend somewhere, they all thought that he was a good guy and that he’s probably telling the truth or there is probably an explanation.

    Hope this helps you help me!

  22. So here are the answers to your questions.

    Age: 31

    Why am I quick to end my relationships:
    I feel like most guys were cheating on me or not into me the way I was into them.

    What did last boyfriend do to make me question him:
    He would periodcally disappear for a day or two. he would say he was busy working. We were out to sea at the time on the same aircraft carrier so we work long hours and keeping in touch can be difficult but not impossible. I would call his berthing for him at night and his roomates would tell me that he wasn’t there. he would say that they didn’t even look for him and he was in his rack watching TV. I don’t beleive him because I was told this very often by different people not just once or twice. My thought process that if someone didn’t bother to look, they would just say he’s asleep. Oh and a weird issue was he said that he was a single father of 2 children. I asked to see pictures of them and he didn’t have any! He had pics of his other family members on his phone but none of his two children. He said that he had some on his hard drive but it got stolen. He told me that they were on his facebook. when he friended me, there was no pictures of them there either. He told me that his sister may have took them off of his facebook page, which makes not sense to me.

    Longest relationship: In succession, 6 months. On and off 8 months.

    He became friends with some my friends and when I gave them this info and wondered if he was married or had another girlfriend somewhere, they all thought that he was a good guy and that he’s probably telling the truth or there is probably an explanation.

    Hope this helps you help me!

  23. @Janel…….Thanks for filling us in. Like we said in the video, we’re big on trusting your gut. We think your gut was right in this case. Maybe your friends encouraged you because they knew your history of breaking up with guys prematurely. But from what you describe, his behavior seems a bit shady to us. Boyfriends don’t disappear for days without letting their girlfriends know ahead of time. And responsible and considerate guys will give very specific details. Example: “I will be staying at this hotel. Here is the number. I will be there for this many days. Etc.” Maybe his explanations are plausible, but just the fact that he had to keep making up more excuses for everything is enough to make us think something isn’t right. So we don’t think there’s anything wrong with your instincts. However, is it fair to say that your choice of guys might be in question? Just wondering out loud. Do you tend to date the same sort of man? Do you have a type? If all of your past boyfriends cheated, or became disinterested, is it possible that they are all built from the same mold? That would certainly help explain your own behavioral pattern. If you’re meeting this guys in the same sorts of places, maybe it’s time you broadened your search. What do you think?

  24. I think that I do tend to date the same person. I have been thinking that for a while but I think I’m not sure what the common denominator is. I thought that maybe I was being vain and only dating good looking guys so I tried dating guys that were less attractive to me and tried to look deeper, but obviously I haven’t been looking deep enough. As far as where I have meet these guys most of them have been through friends. Other places have been are in class at school, in pool halls, at work. I’ve never taken anyone seriously that I have met at a bar or club or anything. I have no clue what I’m doing wrong. Maybe I’m scaring guys off? Maybe I come off desperate or insecure because I like to talk to my boyfriends everyday? I wish I knew cause maybe then I could try to fix it.

  25. @Janel……The fact that you’re thinking about all of this is good. Most people go through life making the same decisions and mistakes over and over. There’s nothing desperate about wanting to talk to your boyfriends everyday. That’s normal when you’re in a solid relationship. The key is to find a guy who’s on the same page as you. It will happen for you. Just try to be a bit more patient at the beginning. Let the guy initiate dates and texting and phone calls until the two of you are more established. Do you have any guidelines about when you sleep with a guy, or is it a case by case basis?

  26. I used to have a 2 months rule but now I just say I don’t become intimate until I’m in a committed relationship.

  27. @Janel…..We think that’s a solid rule. We wish more people would follow that. So what now? Has talking about all of this helped? What’s your plan, in general?

  28. I feel like you know what you’re talking about so I can remove the guilt I feel for ending relationship quickly because I’m not getting the attention I feel I need. I think it will save some time til I figure out why I have the same problem over and over. After rereading all of your posts and thinking about all that you have said I realize that I tend to do most of the calling and texting. I will try to avoid that from now on as well. Thanks so much for your help. You exceeded my expectations!

  29. @Janel……You’re very welcome. Glad we could help. Please keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing. Take care.

  30. So my ex and I did get back together, but as soon as we “officially” did, he became very distant. He finally came out last night and said that he’s having a hard time getting back to where we were and that he doesn’t feel the same as he did when we were first together. He said that he’s not ready for a relationship and that we’re moving too fast. I told him that I don’t want to be waiting around while he sees me and potentially other people, especially since we’ve already been sleeping together. He seemed very hesitant and confused on what to do and I said you’re either in 100% or not and he said “right now, I’m not.” He ended the convo with “I’ll talk to you later.” I sent him a text asking him if he was sure this is what he really wanted and then left a voicemail letting him know that this caught me completely off guard and I’d like the chance to talk again. Does it sound like there’s any hope? I don’t know what to do 🙁

  31. @Mar……If this continues it’s just going to be much of the same. Our opinion: It’s time to move on. The two of you are not on the same page.

  32. I really fell for him, hard. Is there anything I can do?

  33. @Mar…….If you’re feeling very unsure, all you can do is be yourself and see this through. We understand that you’re totally into this guy, and you’ll probably regret it if you don’t try. But there’s nothing specific you can do. The issue we have is this situation is keeping you in a holding pattern. We feel like he’s stringing you along. So see what happens in the next few weeks and let us know if you have other questions. Good luck and hang in there.

  34. Hey so I have an update. He did finally respond and said that he was sorry and just doesn’t know what he wants and that I should move on bc it’s not fair to wait. I didn’t respond. After 11 days of no contact, he texted me last night saying, “Merry Christmas.” I responded with a thanks, same to you and your family. He’s actually out of the country on a vacation with his family in tropical paradise. I was VERY surprised to get a text. Does this mean he may be missing me and regretting his decision to walk away? Why contact me otherwise?

  35. @Mar…..It doesn’t sound like he’s regretting his decision. Just because he’s sad and confused doesn’t mean he thinks it was the wrong decision. He may have contacted you out of habit. Obviously he still cares for you, and the holidays often can amplify feelings and make people more sentimental. But unless he follows up with action, we doubt anything’s really changed.

  36. Andrew, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We dated for 5 years. I got a new job and started working a lot then we started fighting more and then he broke up with me and said he wants to just be single. The relationship was good before this also. So I did not text him or call him at all. Then a week later he shows up at my job, I’m a server, and sits at the bar and eats by himself and we don’t say a word to each other. The next day he texts me and say ” I want you as my friend so bad”. So I say I’d like to be friendly with you but not friends. Then I didn’t talk to him again for another week. The he comes into my work again and says hello and makes a flirty joke with me, but I basically ignore him. The next day I text him and say sorry I wasn’t more friendly to you but ill get there. So he replies ” no worries, I’m good. I love ya.” What the hell dose I love ya mean? I did not reply at all. Can you help me figure this out. I want him back but have no clue where he’s at.

  37. Ps. My phone auto corrected your name to Andrew. My bad also both me and my boyfriend are 23

  38. @Lisa…..He misses you, but that doesn’t mean he wants to get back together. We get the sense he’s just lonely and you’re the person he’s closest to. But we don’t get the sense he’s trying to reignite the relationship.

  39. So if I do want him back, but I know he needs space, would it be best to cut ties with him. Tell him I can’t be his friend cause I still love him. Or should I try to be his friend and there for him?

  40. @Lisa…..We’d give him space. And at the same time tell him that you still want to be with him, but in a relationship not just as friends. But do what you need to do.

  41. I’ve got a guy friend who fell out with me over the holidays. He left his stuff at my house. He contacted me, and when I didn’t reply within the hour, his messages got abit nasty. So I decided not to reply anymore after I told him that we’ll contact him when we are free. I’m really busy at Sch because it is my final year. He then send me this reply. What does he want? Just his stuff isn’t it?

    “Hey I was being awful last night when I tried to reach you, I’m sorry. Initially I was thinking 2 scenarios. Either I show up collect my stuffs say thanks and leave, or, I don’t need to show up and go collect my stuffs from the thrash cans. I don’t think you’d want to hear much from me since. However that is not an excuse for my inappropriate gesture. Well, really this is not about my stuffs. Yes I am still frustrated from when you canceled your trip. Not because of the short notice but because you kept saying that I didn’t plan to meet you to begin with, that I pushed you left and right, change plans, just to not have to meet up. That is not true. I know it was frustrating for you too that I kept changing plans but I did try to explain to you as best as I could. I’m sorry if I made you feel unimportant, or that I’m taking our friendship for granted, or that your business always comes second. That was not my intention. Sorry to msg you this late. Hopefully I didn’t interrupt your sleep or study too much."

    Thanks!

  42. I really liked him and we were very close but I felt that things changed since the holidays started and he always treat me as second importance. We fell out because he told me that I should visit and he made plans, but then slowly told me that his relatives were visiting, and then 1 day before I was due to fly that he can’t spend anytime with me, and that I’ve got his number so I can contact him whenever. I was incredulous and he said he’s left with the 23rd and will pick me up and all but he needs to go in the evening.

    I was pissed, so I changed my destination on that day and I never turned up. I sent him a message after I reached to tell him there was no need to wait for me. And we have not contacted each other till now. I deleted him from my Facebook and all.

    He contacted my roommate to ask if he can collect his stuff and my roommate asked him to contact me since I was the one was gave him permission to leave the stuff at my hse. I intended to return him but only when I am free.

    His SMS, gave me hope and pain. I actually cried. Did we ever had a chance or was I disillusioned?

  43. @Ericia……We don’t have enough details. Is this your boyfriend or just a friend? Have the two of you been intimate?

  44. We were close to friends with benefits, kissed and cuddled but never had sex.

    He was on off with his gf, and confided in me. then we got close. He split up with his girlfriend after a troubled relationship at the end of last year and things changed. He took a step back and said we were just friebds, but then things got better and he invited me to visit. Initially he was still planning the dates that we’ll meet, then he started to say his relatives was visiting and he might not be able to meet. And finally 1 day before I was due to fly that he can’t meet.

    Even when he said he’ll pick me up, it was like ‘I’m only left with this date so it’s the best I can give you.’ Kind of feeling.

  45. @Ericia…..It’s hard to say if you were disillusioned or not, but it sounds like he’s made up his mind for whatever reason. We’re sorry. This is hard. But it sounds like he was never really over his girlfriend, so maybe he wasn’t really open to you.

  46. Then what is up with his message? He’s not meaning it then?

    ust his stuff isn’t it? “Hey I was being awful last night when I tried to reach you, I’m sorry. Initially I was thinking 2 scenarios. Either I show up collect my stuffs say thanks and leave, or, I don’t need to show up and go collect my stuffs from the thrash cans. I don’t think you’d want to hear much from me since. However that is not an excuse for my inappropriate gesture. Well, really this is not about my stuffs. Yes I am still frustrated from when you canceled your trip. Not because of the short notice but because you kept saying that I didn’t plan to meet you to begin with, that I pushed you left and right, change plans, just to not have to meet up. That is not true. I know it was frustrating for you too that I kept changing plans but I did try to explain to you as best as I could. I’m sorry if I made you feel unimportant, or that I’m taking our friendship for granted, or that your business always comes second. That was not my intention. Sorry to msg you this late. Hopefully I didn’t interrupt your sleep or study too much."

  47. booty call question that could fit into this post? we havent hit the friends with benefits level because we never hang out. only text. it was easy to get him over to my place the first time. supposedly because he hadnt started his new job yet. after that, he texted me somewhat often saying how much he wants me and whatever. but sometimes as soon as we make plans (and i mean its been within the same minute before) he remembers he cant meet up (and seems pretty pissed about it) or he stops replying altogether to the texts (ie i see that he has read the imessage from me asking “what time” but he never responds). he literally lives 2 blocks from me so i know its not distance. he does get busy (or so he says), but sometimes i think he only wants it if its that moment. like he wants me to drop everything and come running. but at the same time he is putting up with my frustration. hes not using the “we arent together” line and telling me to f off. why would he bother if we have only been together once? i dont know how to read whats going on or if im just paranoid. what i really dont get is that he is sending me texts (and pictures) about how into it he is right at that moment, but later he wont be horny enough to follow through even if i did manage to make tentative plans with him. he would rather sleep or drink with friends or watch tv. etc etc. thats another problem ive had with guys in the past…i thought guys would jump at the chance to have sex instead of most anything else. when he does apologize he seems genuine. although i dont think im the only girl around. im starting to think the more in his little black book the merrier.

  48. @Ericia…….Why don’t you sit down with this guy and have a heart-to-heart conversation and try to figure things out. Find out: What’s going on? Where do you stand? Is there a friendship? Not? And then decide what you really want. Do you really just want a friendship? Something more? And how does this make you feel? That’s important. If you’re constantly worrying and wondering that says something about your “relationship.”

  49. @Kelly……If you reread your question you’ll see what we’re thinking. This is a bad situation that’s only going to get worse. By bad we mean, you’re just going to get more and more frustrated, confused, resentful, angry and hurt. This is going nowhere. Move on. And in the future, try to stay away from any Booty Call or FWB arrangements. They never turn out well. Think about what you really want and focus on that. You deserve better than this. This guy is disrespecting you.

  50. thanks for the advice on this guy. i should move on. as for no fwb and finding something more, this is what i get in any type of situation with a guy so i stopped mixing in too many emotions. at this point its probabably something im doing wrong (too needy? too impatient? who knows) but i dont like to get my heart involved more then it needs to be.

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