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Sex Addict: I feel like I’m not enough for my boyfriend

Dear Guys,

I feel like my 32 year old boyfriend is obsessed with sex, naked women, and porn. He stares (not looks!) at other women while we are out together. I understand people’s eyes wander, but he has in the past made me feel like I wasn’t even there. I confronted him about it but he thinks I’m being crazy and usually just gets defensive. He combats me with accusing me of “forcing him to walk on egg shells” but I just want him to respect me while I am with him.

He also told me he masturbates at least twice a day (which I know from doing his laundry, yuck) which to me sounds more to me like a 16 year old than a 32 year old. I can only assume that he’s watching porn while he does this… Which, c’mon… he probably is. And the other day I was using his StumbleUpon app on his iPhone and in his history it showed that he only ‘stumbled upon’ his “babes” interest and the last 1,700+ pages he saw were of completely naked women in provocative positions, some with other women. THAT’S AT LEAST 1,700 WOMEN ON HIS CELL PHONE ALONE!

We have a pretty regular sex life and I would like to do it more, but now all I can think about is whether or not he is fantasizing about someone else while we are being intimate. And some nights he rolls over as if sex means nothing and I know sometimes it’s just because he jerked off before I came over. He says he loves me and finds me sexy and loves fooling around, and he really is an amazing boyfriend, but I can’t help but feel like I’m nothing in comparison to all of these other women.

I’m usually very confident, but I sincerely feel like he’s obsessed with women and getting off. I DON’T GET IT. And he’s cheated in the past on some/one of his girlfriends, so I worry about this behavior encouraging him to cheat. I want to confront him about it, but I feel like he would just get defensive and angry and I doubt it would change anything. And I’m starting to feel like I’m not enough for him. Please help… Am I crazy? Am I over-thinking this? Or is this abnormal?

Heather

Dear Heather,

Thanks for your question.

So if your boyfriend makes you feel defensive, insecure, and less confident what is it about him that makes him amazing? Honestly, we’re just curious. Because a guy could have a lot going for him—smart, confident, good looking, successful—but could still be a shitty boyfriend or husband.

But let’s talk about the specifics of your question. It’s pretty “normal”—although remember, normal is kind of subjective—for a guy to look at other women—including women online—as well as pleasure himself regularly, even if he’s very happy and satisfied in his relationship. But two times a day sounds a bit excessive. Our biggest question is, how does he have the time? Does he have a job? As far as looking at woman while he’s with you, that’s a whole other story. Sure guys look, as you say, but stare, no. He should absolutely be focused on you while he’s with you. That doesn’t mean he has to lavish you with PDA (Public Displays of Affection) but it does mean if he needs to look at the hot girl who’s walking by he should do it discreetly, or at least include you. (Some women don’t mind if their guy looks as long as they are included.) But even with that, a guy should be respectful of the woman he’s with. And the same holds true for woman with their men.

From what you’re describing, yes, your guy seems to be over the top when it comes to porn. Most guys have some interest and dabble when they “need to” but we still come back to the time issue. Most guys just don’t have the time to stay home, pop in a video, and go to town on their “special buddy.” At least not everyday.

As far as his past indiscretions, he shouldn’t be held hostage for that. Yes, he has a track record, but people do learn and change, although you’re right to be aware of this. Cheating is a behavior that’s difficult to change, because it’s more about the person who’s cheating rather than the person being cheated on. It has more to do with the person’s own feelings of self-worth, or even on the flip side, entitlement. This is something to keep your eyes open about.

We just think you need to ask yourself, are you happy? Are you getting what you need from this guy? Let’s say he continues his behavior but still treats you well, are you okay with this? And what is it about him that’s amazing? Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust him? Once you answer some of these questions we think things will become clearer and clearer for you. Remember Heather, don’t settle. The guy you are with should respect you, and care enough about you, that if something’s bothering you, he would do whatever he can to find a solution. Because relationships are all about trust, respect, good communication, and effective problem solving. You want someone who’s not always going to deflect the blame onto you.

We hope this helps. Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And keep us posted on how this unfolds.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Questions about Sex, Porn, Cheating:

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again? 

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? 

5 Comments on Sex Addict: I feel like I’m not enough for my boyfriend

  1. Allison Hodor // April 25, 2012 at 11:00 am //

    I’d like to start this off with that I never had intentions of ever having this type of relationship ever in my life. I was out of state for about 2 months where I met this guy. We got along great, and hit it off. A few weeks later he seemed rather distant, like not being available to hang out, or that type of stuff. He said he was really busy. Which I understand, he’s in the Army I’m sure he gets busy but at the same time I know how men get, and I’ve heard my fair share of horror stories about military men. I found out I had to go back home right away, and since he didn’t seem that interested I just left,t ext him while he was at work and told him that I just had to go and I’ll be back sometime maybe. He acted really hurt that I didn’t say goodbye.

    We sort of kept in touch for the first month. He would call and text all the time and I just ignored it. I had a lot going on. Sometimes I would respond back but it wasn’t ever top priority. After a few months things died down and Ir ealized how stupid it was of me,and I continued to keep in touch. We text everyday now, and call and all that. He’s been pretty suggestive about wanting to settle down, wanting me to move out there with him to see how it works and many other things. He’s made comments such as making a sign language statement ”you and me together forever” and things like that, or telling me that he really does care about me. I decided to go visit him last weekend. It went great, and it made me realize that I really do genuinely want to be with him. He would start getting a bit distant like he was thinking about something or that he was irritated with me but I’m a bad judge of those things. He doesn’t speak too much of his feelings in general, he’s pretty confidential when it comes to anything emotional wise. He’ll tellm e that he cares about me, he misses me but other than that he’s pretty simple. His texts usually consist of I miss you or What are you doing type things, not ever anything in depth. When it was time to drop me off to get on the bus home, I was trying really hard not to cry, and he basically told me he isn’t going to walk me in because he didn’t want to get upset over it even more. So we said our goodbyes, parted our ways and text every day as usual all day up until about 2 days ago, and now he just seems kind of like either he’s too busy or he’s backing away.

    It’s really hard because I’m a single mom. I have shit going on. I can’t just always drop what I’m doing to go see him, and for my son’s sake I sure can’t just drop whatI’m doing and move unless this is a completely serious thing. How can I tell? He deploys this summer, and the plan is for me to move down there when he gets back. How can I tell if I should or not!? Is he just playing me?

  2. @Allison……..It doesn’t seem like he’s playing you, but it also seems a bit soon to pack up and move, especially since you’re a mom, and as you imply, your son is your first priority. Our suggestion: Get to know him a bit more, which basically requires seeing him more face-to-face. But…..if he’s really serious about you then he needs to take some initiative and come and see you. You’re the one with responsibilities, and he needs to see what that entails. Your first priority is your child as it should be, and if he doesn’t get that then he’s not the right guy for you plain and simple. Now, we understand that you might not want to expose your son to just any old guy especially if it’s not something serious, but if you’re talking about moving in with this guy, then maybe it’s time for him to see the whole picture. What do you think?

  3. Allison Hodor // April 26, 2012 at 2:06 pm //

    Thanks guys! Well we kind of made it clear recently that we wouldn’t be living in the same household together until I was very sure. He’s met my son a few times, and they get a long great. He understands for the most part that my son comes first, and he understands that my life has much responsibility that he probably has not a clue about. He seems fine with that. I agree completely that I think he needs to come up here. I’ve been wanting to talk to him over the phone to talk about this stuff, but last night he just randomly stopped texting me and didn’t call when he said hewould after not texting all day. I finally get the typical good morning how are you text this morning. So hopefully I can talk to him about all of this.

  4. @Allison……Well good luck. And keep us posted as things progress. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

  5. just a random joe // May 26, 2012 at 11:19 pm //

    Just for the record. I am a fellow guy, and I will say this much if you are concerned now, you will always be. Also, and this is just a thought, you should be the woman that the perfect guy (in your mind) wants. I mean it is a no brainer you want a guy who will be there, take care of you and make you feel safe and secure; well you better start being the woman that he wants. You won’t find him at bars or if he goes to strip clubs. Quality is what this generation is lacking and if you are willing to wade through the crap to find him then you will. But don’t be so blind to think that all of the sudden this won’t bother you. Side note for you, he is looking at porn what do you think he is doing in his mind to all the other women he stares at? It is only a matter of time till he acts out. Actions follow thoughts

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