Sex Advice: Do guys always expect sex when dating?

Hey Guys,

I come from a country where premarital sex is a big no-no, and therefore I have to be a virgin before I get married. Currently I am living in England. There are a lot of guys asking me out, but I always refuse because I am afraid that they’re gonna demand sex from me. So my questions are: How does Western culture view premarital sex? Do I absolutely have to sex if I date a guy or can I just go out with him and have some fun without sleeping together? How long can such dating last in your opinion?



Dear Pippi,

Thanks for your question. You’re not as alone as you might think. We’ve heard from many women who feel this way. Maybe they come from different backgrounds, but they view premarital sex as you do. So we’re going to provide as much information on the topic as we can. You can sort through and decide what’s pertinent to you.

A guy’s view and expectation of premarital sex depends on how strongly he feels about the woman he’s dating. Let’s run down some different scenarios for you and how they relate to expectations about sex.

1. He just wants to date you casually: In this case the guy will either expect a lot or not much at all in terms of sex. If you’re just out having fun, and you’re clear from the get go that you’re not planning on jumping into the sack with him, a guy might be able to enjoy your company without putting pressure on you. (That could last months or longer.) One Note: But he will be searching around for someone else to have sex with while he’s hanging out with you.

2. He wants to dating you casually in hopes of having a Friends with Benefits arrangement: In this case he’ll be looking to have sex with you right away. And he won’t understand what’s the big deal. We’d stay away from this scenario. How? By being very clear up front. If the guy only wants sex, he’ll hint around it, or ask you directly if you’d like to do a FWB/Booty Call type of arrangement. If you say no, you probably won’t hear from him much after that.

3. He’s interested but wants to get to know you better: In this case the guy is intrigued by you; but he wants to know more about you. Typically he’ll be expecting sex by the third or fourth date, if not sooner. You’ve got about a month before he’ll start pressuring you. It’s more like emotional pressure rather than anything scary. If you keep denying him, and he’s not an understanding guy, he’ll be gone within two months. If he is serious about you—and he’s a good guy— he’ll stick around and see how it all turns out. Could be a while.

4. He’s in love with you (Or at least thinks he is): In this case, the guy will be very patient with you. We’re not sure how many guys will want to wait until they’re married to have sex, but he will be patient. You’ve got six months to a year in this case. Maybe even longer.

Of course you do realize that these are generalizations? Guys vary widely, and they all don’t fit into neat categories like this. One of the main reasons Western guys want to have sex before marriage is because they want to see if they are compatible sexually with the woman. It’s kind of a big deal, and for many guys it’s too scary to enter a lifelong commitment with someone who’s on a different page sexually with them. Because sex does play a huge part in a marriage. In fact, sex, money, and children are the three most cited issues in a marriage. So a guy will want to know these three things before he marries you:

1. Are your sexual appetites compatible? If he wants sex four times a week, and you’re happy with once a week, that’s an issue for him. (And it can only get worse when you throw kids and other stressors into the mix.)

2. Are you willing to explore? The longer a guy dates someone, the more he’ll want to experiment. (Positions, toys, videos, role playing, costumes, etc.) The sky is the limit. He’ll want to know if you’re open to exploring with him.

3. Are you physically compatible? For the most part people fit together okay. But not always. And sometimes a woman will need something a man can’t provide and vice versa. This isn’t rocket science. But a guy will want to know he can satisfy his woman, and he’ll want to know his woman is able to satisfy him.

So that’s probably more information than you need at this point, but just file it away under: Information about sex.

Do you have any other questions? Feel free to ask away.

Good luck,


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6 Comments on Sex Advice: Do guys always expect sex when dating?

  1. Hi Guys,
    What are a guys intentions when he says ‘it will be quick’? I had been seeing a guy for several weeks and on our 5th or 6th date he wanted to have sex. We hadn’t done it with each other before. He had plans with a guy friend later that night so I was going to go home before he was going to meet his friend. I told him I didn’t want to do it that night, but would next time and he said but ‘it will be quick’. Is that weird for a guy to say? Was he just using me for sex?

  2. @Taylor……That is weird honestly. Did he think that would actually convince you to have sex with him? It’s not much of a turn on to say, “Hey it will be quick.” So our only conclusion is that YES, he just wanted you for sex. We can only come to two conclusions about this guy: 1. He doesn’t care about other people’s feelings. Your feelings. And doesn’t care what you think about him. 2. He’s clueless. Either way, you might need to take a hard look at this relationship. Thoughts?

  3. Thanks for the response! I did find it odd when he said that, but brushed it off at the time. He presented himself as a caring guy but maybe I was wrong. Could it be possible that he said that because he knew I was going to leave soon? Not that his comment would come off any better, but just wondering.

  4. @Taylor…..Honestly, it’s one of the lamest comments we’ve ever heard, and we’ve heard our share. That alone is enough to move on and chalk this up to experience.

  5. Priscilla // December 2, 2012 at 9:23 pm //

    I hope this question is able to be asked here? but how do I know if my guy truly enjoys sex with me? he tends to hold in his moans and very lightly says my name only, how do I get him to be wow’d by me. He said he loves my body and that I move great but…he won’t answer me if I’m good although I let him know he was.

  6. @Priscilla…..Thanks for your question. Funny you should ask this at this time. We just finished a post on the topic. “Good sex vs. Bad Sex vs. No Sex” Check it out. And then let us know if you have questions. Ask as may as you’d like. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

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