She Doesn’t Exist

This is Part 3 from our upcoming ebook.

Part 1: Intimacy and Sex: Context is Everything

Part 2: How Guys Compartmentalize Women

Part 3: She Doesn’t Exist

You might wonder how can a guy decide this so quickly. (See Part 2) What is his criteria based on? Besides the aforementioned primal instincts, his quick assessment is often based on unrealistic expectations and false assumptions, likely fueled by the countless magazines he’s read, the online porn he’s viewed, and the lies told by his buddies who claim that they’ve seen a certain creature who is off-the-charts beautiful, rocks a bikini model body, likes to cook, is an expert at video games, loves watching sports, drinking beer, farting, who understands her man’s need for space—but doesn’t need it herself—is willing to experiment sexually—translation; act out what he’s seen in the porn he watches—and tells her guy he’s the best she’s ever had, even though he’s not.

As you can imagine, this guy fantasy has taken down many a solid relationship. Men do learn though. Well, some men. As they mature and gain more experience they learn what it means to be a considerate and responsible partner, they begin to realize that this mythical creature does not exist, that this magical nymph if you will, is a fantasy created by their narrow perception of a female. That said, the years leading up to this epiphany can be quite frustrating for a woman trying to compete with his notion of idealized beauty. (And frankly, it can be frustrating for a man searching for an ideal that does not exist.)

Loss of Freedom

Guys are not completely shallow though. They do want what women want. Loving, committed relationships. They just have a more difficult time coming to grips with what it means to be monogamous and committed. Many view committed relationships in terms of what they have to give up, rather than what they have to gain. Until they make that switch in their brains they have a difficult time committing to one woman. What do they believe they are losing by being in a relationship? A sense of freedom. Freedom to be selfish. Make their own choices. Come and go as they please. Ultimately this means, the freedom to be with other women. When a guy tells a woman, “I’m not ready to commit. I want to travel, see the world, get my career off the ground, (Fill in any excuse) all he’s really saying is: I don’t want to give up my freedom. At least not now. And not for you.

What the woman has to decipher is: Would he be willing to give up his freedom for another woman? And therein lies the million dollar question. Is he using his need for exploration and freedom as an excuse because he’s not that into you, or is he truly not ready to be in a committed, loving relationship? Since we’re not mind-readers, we can’t answer that question. The answer lies within the mind of your man. If you want the answers you need to seek out the source and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. After you do this, you then have to decide if you believe him. This is why trust is so important in a relationship. Without it, it’s hard to know what to believe. It’s hard to feel secure, wondering what he’s up to, what he’s thinking.

Next Up: 

Part 4: The Unexpected Breakup

11 Comments on She Doesn’t Exist

  1. Hey guys!

    About 2 weeks ago i was out with my bestbuddy and we went to a park to join his fiancee there and her friends too. There I met a really nice girl who was with them. Shes 25 years old and has been single for a while. Lives alone and works as a maje up artist. That night we had nice chat and i managed to ask her number and she was very into it.

    Few days later we went out on a date after her work. We went to a nice cafe and we started chatting. I tell ya.. it was one of the best dates i have ever had. She laughed so much and couldnt stop smiling and we were really enjoying each others company and we had so much in common! We spent like few hours together that time flew. After this date she started texting me and even said we could meet again and she said how much she really enjoyed my company. This happend for the next few dates. On the 3rd date we spent few hours together and we were really into each other. We had our first kiss too at night when i escorted her to get her bike to go home. After that when i got home we started txting alot and she said it was perfect date and she loved every minute and how it felt so weird that she was so comfortable around me and we only knew each other for few days.

    The next time she even invited me ovee to her place for a night. I went and we had great time. Shes so beautiful. Shes a gf material! Then i invited her too to my place and she came and we had our 1st time sex. And sex was amazing! We did it again other time..

    Heres the thing. 2 weeks ago when weekend started she started to change dramatically. She had 2 jobs the whole weekend. She changed completely how she txted me in a very cold way. It got until the point we didnt talk for 1 day. She said it was so stressfull and she is exhausted from work. Last week she messaged me to want to meet up and have a talk. We never did meet up. She told me how she felt that she couldnt give enough for me. She said that she really likes me and i am an amazing person but she doesnt see herself now in a relationship. I tried to convince her that we have a really good potential but lets take baby steps and slow. She insisted to do her thinking. I let her. Then she hit me with we can continue as friends. Now we dont even talk to each other. And i never really now whats the real reason.

    Guys, What is there to do? I think in September i remember she said she will start studying so i think her workload will decrease… Should i give it some time ? She didnt give me enough time to prove her who i am only 2 weeks :/

  2. @John…..Wow, this is a drag. It sounded so nice while it lasted. Your guess is as good as our as to why she did a complete 180. Did something happen during sex? Or right after? Maybe the sex got her thinking again about an ex-boyfriend? Did anything specific happen that you can remember that might be an important clue? Fill us in/answer questions and we’ll share some thoughts with you.

  3. The sex was amazing. I am sure she wouldnt ve thinking of ger boyfriend as i did nake love to her really good. She used to tell me how amazing it is and thst i am a natural lover. She was loving it! Before she changed.. she was at my place. And she was so stressed out. She was going to have a full day of work and then she was late on her period too and said she had a crush on me too and that she felt really exhausted. When she wanted to meet me to talk about u.ls… she was complaining about how she felt that she couldnt give me what i was looking for and she was feeling that she couldnt give enough.. I am thinking of calling her and talk to her because we never met to talk and sort things out. Now she hust says that she doesnt want to continue dating.. Should I call her? Last time i talked to her was like 3-4 Days ago and she was answering me in cold way like she didnt even know me.. like i dont know if shes going through a phase or something…. you know she even told her friends about me how excited she was when we met. Indont understand.. should i call?

  4. @John…..Based on how she’s been acting—aloof and cold—we’d suggest you don’t contact her. She’s not going to come around by you trying to convince her. If she comes around, it will be on her own when she realizes that she passed on a good thing. Why don’t you give it a few weeks of silence. See what happens. Then let us know. And hang in there. ps. You know. Have you heard of the term safety in numbers? It can be applied to dating. (The number part.) If you’re dating more than one person, it can sometimes help in these types of situations. That is, until you find someone you want to be serious with and than it no longer applies of course. We’d suggest you reach out to some other prospective dates and go have some fun.

  5. Okay so I’ve been seeing this guy for about 10 months now and he still says he’s not ready to make our relationship public (which to me seems like a commitment issue). He has told me he loves me and the feeling is mutual.. why might he want this to remain a secret?

  6. @Elizabeth……We’re going to need a lot more info if we’re to give any sort of response. How old is he? You? Tell us about your relationship. Does it feel solid? Do you feel a strong bond emotionally? Do you live together? Is it long distance? Is religion factoring in? OR what about culture? Are you both from a similar culture or is he from a culture that wouldn’t approve of him dating you? We’re just trying to understand your situation better. Please fill us in.

  7. He is 27, I am 26. We work together and while it wouldn’t be breaking the rules for us to date it would change our work dynamic. We decided to be exclusive about 10 months ago, I found out in June that he was having inappropriate conversations with other women, he claims he never acted on them that he just did it out of boredom… I chose to give him another chance. He was very apologetic, but has since not made much of an extra effort to help restore my trust, (example, he never checks his texts, snaps, or emails if I’m around.. because he’s hiding something? Or because he’s enjoying our time together?) So I’ve doubted him a lot and it’s making me feel quite insecure lately, which I don’t like. But if I bring it up he tells me I’m being silly and he’s not interested in anyone else or investing his time elsewhere. And without evidence to the contrary I’d have to guess that I either have to choose to believe him or not. He told me he loves me and the feeling is mutual. Religion and culture do not play a role.. I’ve met his entire family and we get along excellently. I do have an ex husband and 2 kids, he has met my kids (introduced as a friend) and has nothing but positive things to say about them and he is great with them. He says he wants to have kids too.
    His last serious relationship ended 3 years ago and it was messy. He says he’s been single so long that he needs time to take this next step in our relationship. I’m trying to be respectful of his need for time but I don’t know how long is too long? The longer we wait the more I feel like he’s having those same conversations with other women again, or worse. Because as far as they know he’s single. Like why keep it a secret? And how long is too long to wait for this? At what point am I going from respecting that he needs time to completely disregarding my own needs?

  8. @Elizabeth……He’s had plenty of time to figure out what he wants. If he’s still waffling then he’s still unsure. Why is he unsure? That might be something you ask him. What we see is a guy who talks the talk but isn’t walking the walk. Actions speak louder than words, and if he’s not willing to declare you his girlfriend than something isn’t right. Understand that when a man is completely in love he wants to tell the world about her. He wants everyone to know that she is his. The fact that he’s doing the opposite is a red-flag in our minds. It’s time for a serious heart-to-heart conversation. What do you think?

  9. I think you’re right, I just have this habit of avoiding conflict like the plague.. and I know what I want to hear from him and what I want the outcome to be but I’m so afraid of ending up without him that I’m afraid to have the conversation at all. What if he’s not willing to budge? What if he’s not even willing to have the conversation? I know, if he isnt willing to talk about it or budge at all then is that really the kind of relationship I want to be in? I want to respect his need for time but I feel like he also needs to give a little more respect to me and what I need. I feel like I’m ready to tell everyone and show the world this man that I love.. I don’t understand why he’s not and like I said I’m really afraid to find out why. And that if I tell him I can’t do this any longer he’s got 2 options, end it or make it publicly official. And the thought of ending it hurts a lot.. I’m just dreading the conversation…

  10. @Elizabeth…..Well, you answered most of your questions yourself. (We agree with your assessments.) It sounds like you know what you need/want to do. Good luck and keep us posted.

  11. @All the Women out THere…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

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