My boyfriend has been getting distant and now that he’s finally acknowledged it, he says he doesn’t know why.
When we met I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I wasn’t desperately opposed to one either. After 10 months we moved in together, at his (multiple) requests. (We literally spent all of our time together when we lived separately.) Now, he barely sleeps in the bed with me, unless we’re going to have sex. I’ve asked him about it and he says he likes sleeping on the couch cause it’s comfortable and it’s a lot cooler. I believed it until I noticed whenever I stay up to watch the TV past 10:30 (I usually go to bed early cause we go to work around 6am) he actually goes in the room, when normally he’s up until midnight playing a game or watching TV shows.
He says he does want to be around me and be with me, but he can literally go days without having a conversation with me and not notice. He just always seems annoyed. I understand work is overwhelming but he doesn’t talk to me, touch or kiss me (unless we’re having sex), or hug me anymore. I know we’re supposed to believe people when they express their feelings but his actions are telling me GET OUT! I’m not sure if I should just tell him this is bullshit and leave or not. He’s told me he knows that he’s hurt me and he’s sorry but he’s still distant.
The reason I’m writing this, the last straw, he doesn’t talk to me anymore (I said that) and he barely answers my texts. Looking back through our msgs over the past four months or so I’ve initiated just about 99.9% of the conversations. Today he’s short with me as I ask him things about the house and random funnies. It turns 8:30 and he’s still not home from work nor does he say he’s on the way, so I ask and sends back later “still at work.” (they close at 6) He doesn’t call text send a messenger bird or anything that he’s running late. I know that he texts at work (he used to text me all day, everyday) cause I’ve seen him open a message when we’re on our way home from work that is full with recent back and forth messages. And as I’m writing this at 9:30 he walks in and has yet to come back here and say hello or anything. Instead he texts me “long day.” While we’re in the same house. I go out there, no words… He gets a text, that he doesn’t look at.
I’m really confused because he talks about how much of a good person I am and all of this stuff about not wanting to hurt me, but he won’t treat me with the love and deep connectivity as he did the first like 11 months. He “wants” to be with me, but doesn’t even do the bare minimum. It’s not like he’s the bread winner because we pay for everything equally from our separate accounts. He barely ever cooks or cleans, and when I don’t he just goes and picks up food or makes something simply individual. When we do talk it’s deep and effortless, but it’s been taking SO much effort to get some humane acknowledgement lately.
I’ve already asked him what’s up so now… What? I don’t see a reason to string me along. If there are no emotions in this on his end he can get sex from anyone else. I didn’t push my feelings on him, he initiated the relationship, treated me with respect as he felt appropriate, and brought it to me and his family that we should live together while I was looking for another apartment.
So. Should I call bullshit and pack my things?
Before we respond we have one important question to ask you: What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You keep talking about what he is or isn’t doing, and it’s almost as if you’ve handed him all the power to control your future. We say that because this may come down to you. Meaning, if this is how he handles his emotions, by withdrawing, then it’s unlikely he’s going to make any decisions about your relationship. Which means, it’s going to be up to you to decide if you want to continue a relationship with him.
You ask if you should leave, but it seems like what you’re really asking, is if his behavior is going to change, and if he’ll go back to being the sweet and wonderful guy you fell for, and start treating you the way you deserve to be treated? Do we have that right? What do you think?
Here’s our take:
We see a guy who fell in love with you initially, pushed the relationship forward, only to realize that he may have moved too quickly when the two of you started living together. That’s why you’re seeing this type of inconsistent behavior; his actions don’t match his words. We get the sense that he knows how he feels, but he’s trying to fight his doubts, because he does care for you and is hoping he’ll change his mind, and rekindle some of his initial feelings. It’s hard to say exactly how this will play out, but at the moment, his behavior is completely unacceptable, and frankly, alarming. If he’s already acting distant and detached and you’re still in the honeymoon phase, just imagine what he’ll be like in a year, five years, ten?
And where does this currently leave you? Waiting around while he figures out if he truly wants to be with you? (Once again, you’re giving him all the power. Remember, you have a say in this. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who has to figure out if he loves you?)
Our advice to you is, sit him down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him how you feel about him and ask him what’s going on. Ask him if he still is in love with you, and still wants to be with you. See what he says. After you talk with him, you then need to decide if you believe him. We know that seems like we’re saying two different things, but the reality is: he may tell you he loves you and that he still wants to be with you, and that he’ll try harder, and he may change for a bit, but it’s important to look at the entire picture. (Words/actions) And honestly Hazel, if he really has to “try so hard” to be with you, that might be something for you to consider very carefully.
Just remember: You deserve to be in a mutually loving and respectful relationship.
Take care and all the best,
ps. If you have follow-up questions/thoughts, please leave below in the comments’ section. Also, we hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks.