What can I do to encourage guys to ask me out?

Dear Guys,

What can I do to encourage guys to ask me out?

Ok, so I have this friend. We have about the same kind of personalities, but it seems that wherever we go: to parties or even in class, guys just naturally want to hang out with her. And they approach her first to ask her out. It’s not the same for me. I feel like I can be a little shy, but not too much, and I’m not afraid to start a conversation with a guy. So why is it that guys don’t just naturally want to ask me out or be around me? I really don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I don’t really feel like it’s an issue of looks.

So I guess in general, I’m just wondering what can I do to subtly encourage guys to ask me out? I also don’t want to come across as a really ditsy, flirty girl. Just subtle things that would encourage a guy to feel more comfortable around me, like my friend has somehow mastered.

Please help? Thanks!


Dear Lizzie,

Thanks for your question.

Of course the first thing that came to mind is, this could be an issue with looks—yes, guys are that superficial, at least at first— but you say it’s not, so we’ll focus on other things. (We don’t know what you both look like, but if you’re a certain age—on the younger side—and she possesses certain, um, “assets” that could be a draw for guys, especially the younger variety.) Just a thought.

But let’s move on. First of all it’s best not to compare yourself to your friend. (Sorry if we did already.) Just because guys are hitting on her and not you when you’re together doesn’t mean this would happen everywhere you went. It’s just those particular guys want what she’s got. So you need to separate the two issues: 1.You compared with her. and 2. Guys not asking you out. They are separate. And since it’s you asking, we’ll focus on you.

Here are reasons why guys don’t ask women out:

1. They’re not attracted enough to them.

2. They’re intimidated.

3. Woman is out of their league. (Goes along with #2.)

4. Woman doesn’t seem interested. (Conversation is difficult, etc.)

5. Woman has nothing to say.

6. Woman is with a bunch of her friends. (Too difficult to approach.)

There are probably more but that pretty much covers it. So when you look at that list do you recognize anything in particular?

Here are some suggestions for you to try or think about:

1. A good place to start is to go out without your friend, almost as a test. See what happens. She might be unintentionally blocking you. It could be the dynamic the two of you have that creates a situation where you get left in the dust.

2. Be aware of your body language. Are you giving off some sort of signal that says, “Stay away” ? (Just be aware.)

3. Guys love to talk about themselves. (Everybody does in some way.) Make it easy for them. Ask lots of questions. Pretend you’re interested. (Hopefully you are.)

4. Be yourself. (This isn’t really a suggestion, but we still think it’s the best policy.)

Honestly, Lizzie, just be patient. We’re sure it’s only a matter of time before you meet some great guy. Let us know if you try any of these suggestions and how they work. Keep us posted please. And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave us a note in the comments section below.

All the best,


ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other related posts: 

Can a guy’s taste really change? 

Do looks matter? 

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

31 Comments on What can I do to encourage guys to ask me out?

  1. missy litlle // October 13, 2012 at 12:24 am //

    I am really bummed out right now, i have no idea whats going on because the last time a boyfriend of mine used these words i ended up going on an emotional rollercoaster which he let me ride on my own… watching me hurt and cutting me off without an explanation of why he broke up with me like that.. Anyway back to the present, my Boyfriend texted me that he felt lost and needed time to think.. So as a respectfull girlfriend and friend generally i stopped contacting him( something i didnt do with the other one. 1st mistake i guess) well now its been almost a month no word from him at all.

    Some background on us we met on a social networking site liked eachother found we had mutual friends and decided to give LDR a shot..Exclusive and all. we been together 4 months havent seen eachother yet face to face. We both in Med school in our 20’s and in diffrenet cities 7 hours away by plane.. Its driving me nuts cause now i dont know what to do… I have heard this is a new way guys break up with gals they say this and never get back like they said they would. but these months though he slacked a little with communicating because of work stress(summer job)In the few months we been together ive seen him to be a really principled guy who thinks throughly about things before he does them and sticks to something till he gets it done loyal and reliable and all.. i know am just ranting right about now.. but sometimes when he goes quiet later on he says he likes missing me… Honestly guys i dont even know what am asking i really like this guy and hope we get married one day though he says marriage talk scares him…. this is getting to long i dont know whats relevant for you to help me access wether i should let go or hold on is there an instant messenger or something. Im hurting right now cause when he sent me that text i had booked a ticket to see him for a few days and he told me not to go…after sending me the text i mentioned earlier. He’s told me the future stuff you know like wanting to hold my hand when i have the kids, he’s busy working hard to secure a future for us…(indirectly mentioned..) And he says i make him happy his life just seems so much more focused since we started dating. I really like him and want to make it work… I am a loyal person and dont let just anybody in my heart… I hope looking at this objectively you can figure out what am asking … Thank you so much for what you are doing.. You are doing a great job…

  2. missy litlle // October 13, 2012 at 12:30 am //

    Oh and we both share our honest feelings with eachother.. We both know we are serious when we say we love eachother..

  3. @missy little…..Yes, we understand how you’re feeling and what you’re basically asking. And we’re sorry this is so hard. But before we get to that we want to share our first impression. (It’s important to see an objective viewpoint) You’ve been going out for four months, and have already talked about marriage and the future, yet, you haven’t met each other? Do we have that right? Not that we don’t believe love can grow between people in many different ways, but honestly, until you really spend some quality time with each other face-to-face, you don’t really know each other. It’s one thing to have amazing phone calls, texts, IMs, whatever, but it’s quite another to spend day in and day out with another person. We’re not saying what you feel isn’t real. We imagine it is. But we are saying that love is built over time, and in order for this to move forward the two of you need to spend time together. Typically people agree to long distance relationships after they’ve had some time together in the same place. The fact that you’re 7 hrs by plane makes that pretty tough, which means both of you need to be sure based on only your gut, and what you believe is real. That brings us to your question. Yes, he freaked out. Our sense is, he initially got excited, and all this talk of the future with you made him so happy, but as your visit got closer and closer, reality began to set in, and then he wasn’t really sure what he wanted. And now, the fact that you’ve had no contact in a month, tells us he’s having some serious reservations. We’ve seen this kind of thing many times before. Your relationship was about to go to the next level, and then he wasn’t sure about any of it. Some people push through these crossroads and others exit. It looks like he’s doing the latter. Have you tried reaching out to him? Or did he very clearly ask you not to? What if you reached out to him just to see how he’s doing? Would that be too much? That will help you gauge where things are. A month is a long time with no contact after so much initial communication and outpouring of feelings? We’d say give this another month or so and then see how you feel. ps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  4. tara white // February 12, 2013 at 9:03 pm //

    I feel I have the same problem as Lizzie above. This one guy that was so interested, just completely lost interest. He never did ask me out 🙁 Then I had couple of other guys who flirt from a distance, stare at me as they pass by, or I catch them just standing there staring at me from across the hall and when I notice them, they look away but then I catch them again and again doing that. Sometimes they smile. I don’t consider myself to be ugly and I’ve heard form guys that I’m beautiful and exotic looking. But I don’t understand either why guys flirt and flirt and laugh and smile and converse with me on occasion, but don’t ask me out or suggest hanging out. Even this one guy who seemed soooooooo interested and so into me, talked to me all the time, would always involve in the conversations even I wasn’t initially part of them, even shaved his beard when I told him I didn’t like it, and I finally asked him out, but never responded to the first time and flat out said “no I can’t” on the 2nd one. Not sure what I may be doing to get guys interested but not enough to ask me out. I talk to them, smile, ask them about themselves. I don’t think I’m intimidating to them since we’re in the same professional school together with the same career. Are there any reasons other than the above ones that a guy wouldn’t ask a girl out even after they seem to be very interested??

  5. tara white // February 12, 2013 at 9:06 pm //

    And could you explain what you mean by “woman has nothing to say”???

  6. @Tara……If a guy is interested, and not completely shy, he’ll ask a girl out eventually. But just because a guy is nice or even staring doesn’t mean they’re interested in taking things to the next level. Our best guess is you just haven’t met the right guy, or guys. How old are you? How old are these guys?

  7. @Tara…..Meaning, she can’t carry on a conversation, or won’t talk about herself, or doesn’t ask questions.

  8. @one of the guys…. I am 35 but I’ve been told by almost every person I meet (& I meet a lot since I work with patients on daily basis) that I look like I’m about 27 years old. I have been separated from my ex for the last few months. I was with him for the last 15 years. So, maybe I’m out of practice. I don’t know. But most of these guys around me are between 25 to 30 years old. I didn’t mean to make it sound like all they do is stare but that’s when I first catch their glances. It’s hard to explain exactly but they make effort to be around me when they don’t have to be, talk to me and ask about me and what I do. Their tone in their voices are usually sound extra kind and gentle, they seem happy to see me or try to show off doing something and then look at me for reactions. I mean it’s little things like that that add up over few weeks. And I wonder, do they just like the attention??? is that what it’s about? I feel sooo confused about guys especially since I was with just one for the last 15 years.

  9. @Tara……Sounds like you’re out of practice. Be patient. Like we said, if a guys is interested he’ll usually do something about it. (Unless he’s too intimidated)

  10. Hi there’s this guy he stares at me and doesnt look away when I see him staring at me, when I smiled he didn’t smile back, but when he sees me walking in school, getting in or out of my car or walking by he looks at me or completely ignores me. We havent spoken before, I think he’s cute. But there’s a problem, a girl who doesn’t like me is close friends with him, could she be bad mouthing me to him, is that why he’s staring at me?

  11. @Karrie…..It’s unlikely he’s staring at you because of her. He probably thinks your cute. But it’s hard to say until you have some sort of interaction. Let him approach you, or find a way to run into him when she’s not around. Is he the same age as you? How old are you?

  12. Hi well I’m just going to get straight to the point. There’s this guy my firend set me up with she gave him my number and he texted me the same exacted day he received my number. The first day we talked he kinded scared me because he was so straight forward if you know what I mean like he wasn’t playing around, we talked about what we what to do when we get out of high school, what we want out of a relationship, our past relationships and his ended really not good his last three girlfriends ended up cheating on him and mine ended due to disagree on certain things. But the conversation were fine it was never boring he sented me a picture of himself and I sented him a picture of me he said I was beautiful so I’m not worried about looks. We were both just trying to get to know each other on the first day he seems like a very honest,sweet,nice guy I really don’t understand why anyone would cheat on him. He also thought I was a very,nice,sweet girl he saided that he liked me. An he also asked me “He knows that I have never been in a long distance relationship before but if we work out will I be willing to try with him” and I told yes of I will. He also said that well when I’m ready he will be pleased to meet me and I was already to meet him an I just told him whatever day will be good for him. He asked me how will this weekend or next weekend would be for me I told him this weekend will be fine but then he tells me “When I think of the place I want to take u I will definetly let you know. Ok so I’m like what the heck why would you ask me if I would like to go this weekend or next weekend. So yea we don’t talk everyday we talk about 2 or maybe 3 times out of a week for about 2 weeks. But he hasn’t asked me out yet to go to the movies nothing I mean I like him but I can’t really know intill I meet him in person an I’m sure it’s the same for him to but I don’t understand why he hasn’t asked me yet or least made some kind of contract with me in the last three days. I mean did I do something wrong here or am I missing something.

  13. @Marissa….It’s too soon to tell. Be patient and see how this unfolds. And you might not want to put all your eggs in one basket here. Who knows what’s going to happen. GOod luck.

  14. How wonderful! The guy has to prove HIS interest as she sits back and measures his interest, since she has no intention of proving her interest in him. Gee, that sounds fair!

  15. Hi. I’m 16 and in high school. I think I have crush on this guy I’ve been friends with for over a year. He’s a year younger than me. We used to spend a lot of time together when we’re away on tournaments because we play the same sport, but we don’t spend as much time together anymore since I’ve quit playing on the school team. He sometimes would ask me what I prefer about certain things or if I would date certain guys. I’ve been attracted to him not long after I met him and I still am. We get along well and we share laughs, jokes, and conversations. Recently I’ve asked him if he would like to hang out with me at school or community events, but he kept telling me that I have a lot of other friends and that I could go with them instead. On the most recent event I asked him to, he told me his family planned a trip out of town, since they always travel when there are breaks. I guess it’s pretty obvious that it means he doesn’t want to go with me, but then I thought of all the times when I talk to him after or during school and one of my friends would almost always come and start talking to me and interrupting our conversation, and he would step away from me and let my friends talk to me. Sometimes I feel like he’s interested in me, but I’m not sure because he’s always telling me that I have a lot of friends. Or maybe to him I’m just a friend. Well, to a lot of guys, I’m just a friend they like to hang out and talk to, and I seem to attract the creepy/shy guys that kind of “follow” me around (I don’t like those kind of guys). I don’t know how he feels about me and I would like your opinion and view on this. Also, I would like some tips on how to be in a relationship with a guy where I’m not just their friend. Thanks 🙂

  16. I like this guy and I’m having a hard time understanding him and his body language. For starters, we’re on the same bus. Whenever we get off, he’ll always walk a different way even though they eventually meet up at the same spot. Whenever we walk passed or next to each other, he’ll look at his phone or down at the ground; literally EVERY TIME. Yet, we do happen to make eye contact and I do catch him staring at me. He never talks to me and I don’t even think he knows my name. I don’t think he’s shy cause he has a lot of friends (boys and girls) and talks to a lot of people. It’s just when we’re near each other or in the same room, I get this weird, awkward vibe from him.
    So… do you think he may be interested in me or am I just imagining things.

  17. @Vicky……How old are you and what grade are you in? Is there any reason he’d be intimidated by you? Meaning, do you think he believes you’re out of his league for some reason?

  18. @One of the Guys……Well I don’t really think he’d think I’m out of his league cause he’s 16 making him two years older than me. The only reason why he would probably find me intimidating is the fact that I have a pretty mean ‘resting bitch face’ (a mean looking resting face)

  19. @Vicky…..Okay. That’s kind of funny. But yes, it sounds as if he might be into you. That said, if you want our honest opinion. He’s too old for you anyway. But if that doesn’t deter you, then just do what you’re doing. If he’s not mature enough to approach you, then there’s not much you can do about it.

  20. Elizabeth // March 19, 2017 at 9:00 pm //

    Hello, so I have a very similar situation as Vicky (last few comments above). The guy that I like does a lot of the same things she talked about. Also, he looks pissed or mad when he walks by me. I found online that if a shy guy likes you, he’ll sometimes look angry when walking passed you; because he’s upset about not having enough confidence to ask you out or mad that he’s not making the best impression on you, idk if that’s true or not. Do you think he’s interested in me?

  21. @Elizabeth…..So how old are you? And this guy? When does he walk by you? In between class? Why do you like him? Has he showed any interest in you besides walking by you mad?

  22. Elizabeth // March 20, 2017 at 3:36 pm //

    @One of the Guys……Okay so I’m 16 and he’s 18. Usually we walk by each other during homeroom and he usually walks alone. We do happen to pass each other in the hall between classes, and usually I feel weird cause I always have a feeling that his friends are looking or smiling at me. I like this guy because he seems like a nice, funny, kind guy. He’s really funny and likable and I’ve seen the way he gets along with his sisters. He’s nice and greets adults and he must manage to keep his grades up considering he’s able to do sports. He’s also very cute and I love his facial imperfections. I’m not sure if what I’ve noticed him doing deals with him showing interest in me, but anyways. Sometimes he avoids walking next to or behind me when walking to the school building and he looks at the ground or at his phone when I walk by him. Sometimes his friends call out his name when we’re near each other and back when we had a class together I remember catching him staring in my direction quite often, but………he has never talked to me.

  23. @Elizabeth…….First off, we’re obligated to say that he is an adult and you’re not. We understand that seniors often date sophomores but it’s possible he’s thought of that and doesn’t know what to do about it. That said, from what you describe he is acting like a guy who thinks you’re cute and isn’t sure what to do about it. So what can you do about it? How can you break the ice? 1. You can start by trying to catch his eye and smiling at him. 2. You could say hello to him. (Yes, we know that might be scary, but it’s not that big of a risk. You’re just saying hi.) 3. Do you have any sort of connection to him? Common friends? It would be nice if you could end up at the same party or social gathering. 4. Is there any reason you could ask him a question? Like about some class you want to take next year or something like that? But before you do any of these things, make sure he does not have a girlfriend. Is there a way you could gather some intel on him? 🙂

  24. Elizabeth // March 21, 2017 at 8:48 pm //

    @One of the Guys……I know he isn’t dating anyone and he hasn’t been for a long time, so that’s good. I really appreciate your advice and it’s really helpful, but I have a small problem……I’m super shy 😑 I know I should try to step out of my comfort zone and try to talk to him but I just can’t 😞 I’m so shy that I can barely talk to a guy even if I don’t like them. However, what makes things easier is when someone starts a conversation, then I can talk to them a little more easily. So…. is there any way that I can subtly show that I’m interested in him so that he’ll make a move and possibly do some of the things you said that I should do?

  25. @Elizabeth…..Well, if you’re too subtle he won’t notice. Smiling is a good place to start. Saying hello is okay too. What about lunch? Do the guys and girls sit together? Is there any way you and a friend or two could sit at the next table from him? Maybe one of your friends could somehow start a conversation with the other table? And what about your friends? Are any of them bold? Could they somehow engage him in a conversation? Or ask him a question about course selection or something like that? Or do any of them know his friends? What about activities? Do you play sports or anything, where one of your friends could invite him and his friends to go to watch? The bottom line is this: It’s okay if you’re shy. He’s older and he’s a guy. He needs to take the initiative. If he can’t do that then there’s not a whole lot you can do, except try to get him to notice you. Sounds like he already has.

  26. Hi! Okay so I’m thinking about asking a guy, who is possibly into me based on his body language and actions, for his number. Thing is, I’m super shy. So, instead of me going up to him, my friend will. We discussed this a lot and it’ll most likely go a little something like this:
    Friend: “Hey, nice shirt.”
    He responds
    Friend: “So my friend thinks you’re cute and wondering if she could get your number. She’s right over there. She’s [and she goes on complimenting me].
    He responds
    My only concern is that he may be weirded out by all of this. I mean, it’s all happening out of the blue. I’m kind of scared of texting him. So, as a guy, how would you react if this were to happen to you?

  27. @Sarah…..It depends. So how old are you? This guy? Your friend? And does this guy actually know who you are? Also, why not offer to give him your number? That way you’ll know if he’s actually interested. If he doesn’t call, you’ll know. But fill us in, answer our questions, and we’ll let you know what we think.

  28. @One of the Guys…Okay so I’m 14 and he’s 16, which may sound like he’s too old for me but there are many couples at our school that have the same age gap. And my friend is the same age as me. I think he knows who I am, or at least that I exist. I’ve caught him looking at me before and we’re on the same bus. He’s done a lot of things that’ve made me think he’s into me and many people agree. I would like to give him my number but I don’t know how that would work. Like would it just be like, “Hey, you’re cute. Here’s my number, I’d like to get to know you better.”?

  29. @Sarah……Okay, we’re obligated to say this….yes, we think he’s too old for you. (An 8th grade girl and a sophomore boy is a big gap. Even a 9th grade girl and a junior boy.) That said, we’ll still give you our opinion. How would it work? Well, whatever you do you’ll be taking a risk. Of course, most meaningful things in life require risk. If you have your friend talk for you there’s a risk that he’ll think it’s odd, but he also might be thrilled. If you go up to him and say something like you mentioned, there’s a risk that he’ll be puzzled. There’s also a possibility that he’ll be thrilled with that as well. What about writing him a note? Do you have any similar interests? You could mention your similar interest or something like that and then just include your number and see what happens. (Rather than say he’s cute.) And then have your friend deliver it. Last point: You know, the best scenario would be if he stepped up to the plate and came and talked to you. He should be mature enough to do that. And if he’s not, then maybe there’s a reason. Maybe he thinks you’re cute but that maybe you’re too young for him? Is that possible? Good luck…..and keep us posted. ps. and please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Share us on Snapchat.

  30. @One of the Guys…..Hey, just keeping you posted. Well, there has been a change in plans. My friend decided to DM over Instagram. She told him that I liked him, my name and my grade level. He said he didn’t recognize my name and there’s probably more to come with time. So he most likely hasn’t matched my face with my name, but I felt a little down when he said he didn’t know the name. Yet, he has shown signs of interest in me. Is it possible for someone (specifically a guy) to like someone even though they don’t know their name?

  31. @Sarah…….Yes it’s possible. You’ll know more when he matches your name with your face. But at least things have moved forward. Keep us posted. We’re interested to know how this works out.

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