Why does my guy need a man cave? Please explain!

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Dear Guys,

Can you please explain why my guy needs a man cave? I feel that he’s using it to avoid me or something. Whenever things get a little stressful or whatever, he goes down to the basement for hours. This usually ends up with me getting upset and turns into an argument.

He says, “You go to the bedroom to escape. What’s the difference?”

Well, the difference is, he’s certainly welcome to come up and hang out in the bedroom and watch TV or read, or whatever. But even though he doesn’t say it, I know I’m not welcome in the man cave. Thus the name, Man Cave.

Should I be worried? Is he being selfish? Does he not care about how I feel?


Dear Veronica,

A Man Cave in and of itself is not something you need to be worried about, unless he’s using it as an escape from you specifically, and even then, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have a huge issue on your hands.

Even more confused?

In other words, a Man Cave is the setting of your man’s reclamation project, of himself. It’s his place that reminds him of the man he once was. It’s the place he’s able to reconnect with that man. Sure, it also provides some much needed quiet and space, but don’t we all need that? You obviously do, otherwise you might not be retiring to your bedroom to relax, unwind, watch some TV, read a book, fall asleep.

We don’t know enough about your relationship to address that here. Is it possible he’s unhappy, or unfulfilled, and that’s why he’s escaping to his Man Cave? Well, sure, that’s possible. But if that’s the case, you have much bigger issues to deal with than his Man Cave.

The point is, men can get overwhelmed with life just as women do. We worry about our family. We worry about money, or lack thereof. We worry about the stuff we own, house, car. We worry about our job or career. We worry about sex. (Will it continue? Is it satisfying? Is she satisfied? Etc.) We worry about growing old. And with all this, we also compare ourselves to other men. As you can imagine, this takes its toll. Enter, the Man Cave, a place to escape all these worries, a place to reclaim ourselves, but also, a place to remember a time when life wasn’t so stressful, when life was only about us, and our toys, games, dreams and desires. In essence, a Man Cave, is where we get to be boys once again.

So unless the foundation of your relationship is cracking in other places, don’t worry about his Man Cave. Instead, encourage him to enjoy it, and you in turn, enjoy your time alone. And hopefully both of you will be recharged and bring that newfound energy to your relationship.

Let us know if you have any foll0w-up questions. Leave in the comments below.



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