Will a guy give a woman a second chance?

Dear Guys,

I realized too late that I have an “insecure” attachment issue.  Whenever my boyfriend of six years got too close or was committing, I got scared and pushed him away.  This last time was the last straw for him and he decided he was done with me.  It forced me to “hit bottom” and I’ve been in intensive therapy and group meetings to change.

The problem is that he wants to move on and doesn’t want to give me a second chance.  He REALLY had a hard time with the breakup and he is already doing the online dating thing and meeting some woman out of state in a few weeks. His emails to me were that he needed “a break” and that he wasn’t going back to the way it was.  I told him that I wasn’t giving up on us.

No contact doesn’t work as I’ve been doing that and that is what caused him to “move on.” Guys… do you know of anyone whose girlfriend screwed up and/or the couple got back together? We’ve been on “the break” for 2 months. Our six year anniversary was April 1st.

Ruth

Dear Ruth,

The simple answer to your question is, yes. We do know of guys who have given their girlfriends a second chance. However, so much depends on what happened during the relationship.

In your case, it sounds as if he’s exhausted from having to deal with your indecisiveness. It’s not the physical drain, it’s the emotional one. Clearly, you had most of the power in your relationship, and that’s tough on a man. He wanted to be serious, and you weren’t sure. You can see how this might be a blow to his ego. He probably wondered: Why I am not good enough for her? Am I not man enough? What else does she need? Is she looking for someone better?

After many years, he finally decided he couldn’t take it anymore. Or rather, you decided for him. And now that he’s free, he feels relieved. It’s going to take a lot to bring him back in the fold. But it’s possible

So how can you get him to trust you again?

Well, there are certainly no guarantees here. We don’t know his state of mind. But if you have any chance at all, you need to give him a consistent message. Reiterate that you were confused, and you realize you made a mistake, and that you’ve taken steps to work on yourself—therapy. Tell him that you’re different, and that you love him, and hope he’ll give you a chance to show him how different you are. He’ll counter with: “You just want me because you no longer have me.” (Would there be any truth to that?) If not, then you need to keep reiterating your message. It might take some time. And he might date other people in the meantime. (He needs to explore what’s out there before he’ll be ready to try again.) But if you stay the course—it’s hard to say how long—you might be able to get him to believe in you, and the relationship, once again.

We know your obvious question is: How long should I keep trying before I give up? 

We can’t answer that. You’ll have to take everything into consideration and go from there. Feel free to check back in with us.

We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

 

22 Comments on Will a guy give a woman a second chance?

  1. Hi! I just went through your advice for many of them and I would like to take your advice, so here’s the story, I met this guy in the bar he’s from Egypt and I’m an Indian, we both were attracted and liked each other and I specifically wanted things to work out and go a long way, coz now we were more than friends.he left fr his country, we remained in contact and talked regularly but I grew fonder of him everyday and missed him so much that at times whenever I call him I start crying telling him to come bck and I miss him, and he would say the same thing that he misses me and he keeps trying fr a job bck in India, but then he also tells me that he just likes me and there’s nothing more. At the same time he would send me pictures every alternative and send me song ain’t no sunshine,so I used think he feels the same way but now he tells me that its better I move on and find somebody coz long distance isn’t working, but still he would love to hear my voice and get texts from me, what am I supposed to understand? If I ask him y? He tells he’s just trying to protect both of us frm getting hurt. I cry every now and then thinking of him but I’m afraid I’ll lose him and I want him to be there with me, wat should I do??

  2. @Carol…..How long did you see/date him before he left?

  3. I met him twice before he had left, and got physical real quick I was just attracted and couldn’t help it and its just been one month now, but I really need things to work out.he replies to all my text but after a small misunderstanding that we had, he hasn’t texted me and it has been 2 days now. What should I do? Should I wait fr him to text me or shall I wait fr him to text me? I don’t know I feel so bad and worried.

  4. @Carol…..You can’t ignore his words. He said you should move on and find someone else. Guys don’t usually just say things they don’t mean. Obviously there was a mutual attraction and connection, but he doesn’t see it being strong enough to continue as a long distance relationship. That said, why don’t you wait and see if he gets back to you. We know you’re having a really difficult time with this, but remember that you don’t really know him that well. Sounds like he got excited but then reality hit and that changed some things for him. We’re really sorry. Feel free to keep us posted or ask a follow-up if things progress one way or another. We truly hope he gets back to you but please prepare yourself if he doesn’t.

  5. Hi,I just waited for three days, but there was no text frm his side, so I texted him his reply was I’ll cll u tomorrow but the next day there was no call from him, so I texted him asking whether we would be talking and the reply was weird, he said lets text so I said ok..and then I get a text from him saying that I should text and he would reply, I felt bad but then I was happy that at least he replies but then he stops texting and there’s no reply, the next mg again I drop him a text wishing him morning, he reads all my text and yet again no reply. So I stopped texting him, and to my surprise the next day mg he is the one to drop me a text wishing me morning so I read it but didn’t reply and after a while he sends me a pic of him and his friends, what am I supposed to understand? What should I do??

  6. @Carol…..There’s nothing to do. We’re sorry. He’s just having fun right now, but this doesn’t mean he’s changed his mind. Why don’t you stop texting him and see what happens?

  7. I waited fr 2 days there was no text so I texted him today and left a voice note asking how is he? And if everything is alright…i don’t know what happened but he just blocked me, I feel so bad and helpless. Will he ever text me or call me again? I really want him back..

  8. @Carol….It’s hard to say, but we’re sticking with our initial assessment. He had fun when he was with you but he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. We know this is really, really hard for you but the ball is in his corner. You have to let him be the one to initiate. But honestly, even if he does, it won’t be to start a committed relationship, it will be because he’s lonely, or horny, or in between relationships and wants some sort of conversation with a woman.

  9. I met this guy in one of my classes and we dated for 6 months. We were doing really good. His family loved loved me. I took the relationship really slowly. I even told him not to have sex until I am ready for it and he waited. Over the ummer i went back to India Also, he graduated this summer and started working. Last month of our relationship I felt like he was losing interest in me. My doubts kept increasing. I kept telling myself I was over thinking but I was not be broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We decided to stay as friends although he said he can’t on maintaining the friendship. He also said don’t talk to him at for sometime. I have not contacted him at all since the breakup. I am giving myself time to recover. I really liked this guy. To be honest he was the one who was more invested initially but during the relationship we used to argue about certain things which is very common in relationships. He is a very decent guy. I really want him in my life. He himself said I did nothing wrong it was both sides mistake. I really miss him. He has been a big influence and support in my life when I was going through hard time. I want him back but I don’t know what to do. I need help here. I don’t want him to hate me for pursuing him.

  10. @Belle…..We’re sorry you’re going through a tough time. Was there anything specific that happened that caused the breakup? Or did he just slowly lose interest? (Were the two of you having sex at the time?)

  11. Me and my ex have been split up for a few months now we have a child together and was together for a few years, the break up was pretty nasty and these past few months non stop arguing, at first he cried and said he missed me now he doesnt even give me a second glance, ive cried begged and pleaded and still he wont give us a chance, ive tried leaving him be and still nothing, we still see each other because of the children but we hardly talk anymore I dont know what to do, I know what went wrong and ive worked on myself my life is completely different now im at university and have a better job I know if we got back together we would be happier than ever. Hes been adding lots of girls on social media and it breaks my heart, I dont know what to do I tell him I love him but he just ignores me, in the past he told me where not getting back together but I just cant seem to move on. I think hes enjoying being single and people have got into his head that hes better off without me, I really dont know what I can do anymore, ive not cheated or anything we was just arguing all the time. I dont understand why he just doesnt want to try again

  12. @Lucy….We’re sorry Lucy. It does sound like he believes he’s better off single. That said, it’s possible it might not feel so exciting after a while. However, for now, we’d suggest you continue focusing on yourself (and your kids) and work towards making your life more stable. It’s possible that if he sees that you’ve taken steps to evolve and grow, he might become interested again. (This is going to take some time though. And there are no guarantees of course.) You take care of yourself.

  13. SecondChances // October 23, 2017 at 9:53 am //

    My ex and I split up a couple of weeks ago. Things had been really stressful for a couple of months. He thought I wasn’t happy with him and thinks we just grew apart. I didn’t show him I loved him and I wanted to be with him despite the fact that was the furthest from the truth. Life just got in the way and I forgot to be present with him. We now have no contact. He has blocked me on social media and my number. He won’t speak to me at all and is dating someone new. I just don’t understand why he won’t give me another chance. I have admitted I made a big mistake in not appreciating him. I just thought he would always be there.

  14. I broke up with my boyfriend because of some rumours saying that he doesn’t really love me and I tried talking to him but he doesn’t respond and when he does he sounds distant and he told me he moved on but I want a second chance. I even stopped talking to my best Freind cause she was the one who started the rumours and idk if he would give me a second chance.do u think he would give me a second chance ?

  15. @Angelica…..We’re sorry. It sounds as if he’s moved on. That said, the only other suggestion we have is to try writing him a letter. Sometimes a handwritten letter can strike a chord in the receiver. Question: Why did you listen to the rumors? How old are you? Him?

  16. I was dating an amazing man for almost a year. We even talked about marriage and shared interests. I felt complete love and devotion from him and we were both very open emotionally. Then one day he told me that I was the greatest love of his heart but his mind was at a conflict. That he didn’t see a future for us anymore and that we had personality differences. It crushed me. I respected his decision and tried to move on alone working through my feelings of lost love and missing him like crazy. Then a few month later I messaged him to tell him I was thinking about him. I was in a city we had visited together. He received it with an upbeat response. He wanted to meet for coffee but I was unavailable. He had bought a new house, got a promotion. He was really moving forward and doing well but said he was the loneliest he’s ever been. He did have a one night stand and said he regretted it. I visited him at his house and… one thing led to another. He said we are friends and he doesn’t want to hurt me but we were intimate anyway. I just want to be with him again. I’m not overly texting him or calling but weeks will go by between chats or visits. He still feels very distant but when he sees me I see his eyes soften sometimes and he wants my physical attention in a gentle way. I know he’s a man with needs and I have desire. But most of all I want us back together. I dont want to push him away. I’m not sure how to ask for a second chance because I fear rejection.

  17. @Alice…..If you want to have a more in-depth private conversation you might want to consider our Ask a Private Question option. However, we’ll respond here to get things started. Have you been seeing him semi-regularly? And if so, are you having sex each time you see him? Do you get the sense that that is where you stand? Like a FWB situation?

  18. Hi. Thank you for responding. We see each other maybe once every two weeks or so. We are not always intimate when we visit (only twice since reconnecting), but I know that is something he wants by his body language. I told him I didn’t want to be FWB when we first visited, and he denied that this is what was happening. When I pressed him, he said that being intimate with me is natural and not without feelings, but we did not expand on it further. Being together in that way, the couple times we did, was warm and affectionate. I did spend the night both times after, however it takes days for us to text or talk again the next week, always initiated by me, and he seems to be getting more and more withdrawn. When we first reconnected he video called me and talked for two hours. And then called several more times to talk over the following weeks for chats nearly as long. Now, he’s not initiating conversation. This is a man who pursued me heavily with full force when we met. He was super engaged and completely smitten. Now, it’s like night and day.

  19. @Alice…..This is just our opinion, but from everything you’ve said, we don’t think this is going to work out the way you hope. Here’s what we think is going on. When he first broke things off with you, he was pretty clear that you were not the right woman for him. (We don’t know him, so we can’t speak to his reasons.) But then as the months went by he got lonely for emotional and physical connection. You reached out to him, and that made him feel less lonely, so much so, that he put aside his reservations and decided to jump back in. (To a degree) But after the initial wave of excitement wore off, he’s now realizing that nothing has changed for him. Honestly, he wants you to fill some of his needs, but doesn’t want an actual relationship with you. And we think by being involved with him, you’re only going to hurt yourself, and get stuck in an emotional holding pattern. What do you think?

  20. Met a guy online who asked me for a date, 2 weeks in advance, for when he came to my city (and has plans to move there soon) it just so happened that I was in his city the week before. Before our date (his city) he was not texting very much. When he did, it was logistical. He did express a huge need for sex. My dating history has taught me that if a guy wants sex but not putting in a lot of other effort, run. I eventually told him to forget about the date and was surprised by his answer. “Why would you close this before we even meet? I want to meet you.”The date went REALLY well! He commented that he was glad he insisted we meet and asked when he could see me again. 2nd date started out complicated (I almost left bc he was with people and wasnt communicating on where to meet) but we still met up, had a GREAT time and he suggested we get breakfast the next day. Instead, I got a text saying he thought about it and didnt see me as a good fit for him and wished me the best. I really liked this guy, wanted to sleep with him- I don’t think he thought I would. Also, my being defensive (thinking he was only after sex, now I know better. Before our 2nd date, He said he thought I was a quality and smart girl and was willing to invest in me) in my texting killed it. I came across as difficult bc I assumed bad intentions. Now that Ive a better feel of him, I realize he was being honest with me the whole time. I’ll be back in his city in 3 weeks. Is there ANY hope of another chance?

  21. @MB….It’s hard to say if he would or wouldn’t. The only way to determine that is reach out to him. That said, why did you think he was only after sex? Is that what he talked about at the beginning of getting to know you? If so, your gut might have been correct all along. Here’s the thing. He probably realized he gave his hand away, so he acted like a gentleman during your first few meetings. That doesn’t mean you were completely wrong about his intentions. He maybe just didn’t want you to THINK that’s who he was. Do you see? So he made up a different excuse to move on so he could find a woman that would do whatever he wants. Our gut says he’s a player. Sorry.

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