Will a guy give a woman a second chance?

Dear Guys,

I realized too late that I have an “insecure” attachment issue.  Whenever my boyfriend of six years got too close or was committing, I got scared and pushed him away.  This last time was the last straw for him and he decided he was done with me.  It forced me to “hit bottom” and I’ve been in intensive therapy and group meetings to change.

The problem is that he wants to move on and doesn’t want to give me a second chance.  He REALLY had a hard time with the breakup and he is already doing the online dating thing and meeting some woman out of state in a few weeks. His emails to me were that he needed “a break” and that he wasn’t going back to the way it was.  I told him that I wasn’t giving up on us.

No contact doesn’t work as I’ve been doing that and that is what caused him to “move on.” Guys… do you know of anyone whose girlfriend screwed up and/or the couple got back together? We’ve been on “the break” for 2 months. Our six year anniversary was April 1st.

Ruth

Dear Ruth,

The simple answer to your question is, yes. We do know of guys who have given their girlfriends a second chance. However, so much depends on what happened during the relationship.

In your case, it sounds as if he’s exhausted from having to deal with your indecisiveness. It’s not the physical drain, it’s the emotional one. Clearly, you had most of the power in your relationship, and that’s tough on a man. He wanted to be serious, and you weren’t sure. You can see how this might be a blow to his ego. He probably wondered: Why I am not good enough for her? Am I not man enough? What else does she need? Is she looking for someone better?

After many years, he finally decided he couldn’t take it anymore. Or rather, you decided for him. And now that he’s free, he feels relieved. It’s going to take a lot to bring him back in the fold. But it’s possible

So how can you get him to trust you again?

Well, there are certainly no guarantees here. We don’t know his state of mind. But if you have any chance at all, you need to give him a consistent message. Reiterate that you were confused, and you realize you made a mistake, and that you’ve taken steps to work on yourself—therapy. Tell him that you’re different, and that you love him, and hope he’ll give you a chance to show him how different you are. He’ll counter with: “You just want me because you no longer have me.” (Would there be any truth to that?) If not, then you need to keep reiterating your message. It might take some time. And he might date other people in the meantime. (He needs to explore what’s out there before he’ll be ready to try again.) But if you stay the course—it’s hard to say how long—you might be able to get him to believe in you, and the relationship, once again.

We know your obvious question is: How long should I keep trying before I give up? 

We can’t answer that. You’ll have to take everything into consideration and go from there. Feel free to check back in with us.

We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

 

8 Comments on Will a guy give a woman a second chance?

  1. Hi! I just went through your advice for many of them and I would like to take your advice, so here’s the story, I met this guy in the bar he’s from Egypt and I’m an Indian, we both were attracted and liked each other and I specifically wanted things to work out and go a long way, coz now we were more than friends.he left fr his country, we remained in contact and talked regularly but I grew fonder of him everyday and missed him so much that at times whenever I call him I start crying telling him to come bck and I miss him, and he would say the same thing that he misses me and he keeps trying fr a job bck in India, but then he also tells me that he just likes me and there’s nothing more. At the same time he would send me pictures every alternative and send me song ain’t no sunshine,so I used think he feels the same way but now he tells me that its better I move on and find somebody coz long distance isn’t working, but still he would love to hear my voice and get texts from me, what am I supposed to understand? If I ask him y? He tells he’s just trying to protect both of us frm getting hurt. I cry every now and then thinking of him but I’m afraid I’ll lose him and I want him to be there with me, wat should I do??

  2. @Carol…..How long did you see/date him before he left?

  3. I met him twice before he had left, and got physical real quick I was just attracted and couldn’t help it and its just been one month now, but I really need things to work out.he replies to all my text but after a small misunderstanding that we had, he hasn’t texted me and it has been 2 days now. What should I do? Should I wait fr him to text me or shall I wait fr him to text me? I don’t know I feel so bad and worried.

  4. @Carol…..You can’t ignore his words. He said you should move on and find someone else. Guys don’t usually just say things they don’t mean. Obviously there was a mutual attraction and connection, but he doesn’t see it being strong enough to continue as a long distance relationship. That said, why don’t you wait and see if he gets back to you. We know you’re having a really difficult time with this, but remember that you don’t really know him that well. Sounds like he got excited but then reality hit and that changed some things for him. We’re really sorry. Feel free to keep us posted or ask a follow-up if things progress one way or another. We truly hope he gets back to you but please prepare yourself if he doesn’t.

  5. Hi,I just waited for three days, but there was no text frm his side, so I texted him his reply was I’ll cll u tomorrow but the next day there was no call from him, so I texted him asking whether we would be talking and the reply was weird, he said lets text so I said ok..and then I get a text from him saying that I should text and he would reply, I felt bad but then I was happy that at least he replies but then he stops texting and there’s no reply, the next mg again I drop him a text wishing him morning, he reads all my text and yet again no reply. So I stopped texting him, and to my surprise the next day mg he is the one to drop me a text wishing me morning so I read it but didn’t reply and after a while he sends me a pic of him and his friends, what am I supposed to understand? What should I do??

  6. @Carol…..There’s nothing to do. We’re sorry. He’s just having fun right now, but this doesn’t mean he’s changed his mind. Why don’t you stop texting him and see what happens?

  7. I waited fr 2 days there was no text so I texted him today and left a voice note asking how is he? And if everything is alright…i don’t know what happened but he just blocked me, I feel so bad and helpless. Will he ever text me or call me again? I really want him back..

  8. @Carol….It’s hard to say, but we’re sticking with our initial assessment. He had fun when he was with you but he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. We know this is really, really hard for you but the ball is in his corner. You have to let him be the one to initiate. But honestly, even if he does, it won’t be to start a committed relationship, it will be because he’s lonely, or horny, or in between relationships and wants some sort of conversation with a woman.

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