I have been with my man six years. He is 31. We have been living together two years. Around a year ago I was putting away his ironing into his drawer and I spotted a ring box. I was gutted that I had seen it as I have now been waiting everyday unintentionally! I mentioned it to a close friend a few weeks ago as since I noticed the ring was there and he hasn’t popped the question. She then informed me that he had mentioned it to her around the time he bought it a year ago and said he was going to pop the question around then! But hasn’t.)
He doesn’t know I know at all and there is no possible way he would have any suspicion that I know. I brought up the future to him properly the other day. We have spoken before about it but not putting any time frame on it! So I asked when he would be ready to take the next step. Just general conversation and he proceeded to say, “I’m not ready yet. I will be in the future. Maybe two to three years time. I don’t know. But I’m not ready yet. I want to accomplish my ‘own’ goals first and I don’t know how long that will take as I want to visit different countries.”
Okay. Now what do I do? Am I wasting even more time? I have been with him six years and he bought a ring and by the looks of things changed his mind, right? The relationship has always been about him. It took us four years to move in together. (His choice not mine.) I was ready after a year. I just don’t want to waste time for it never to happen
Thank you for your time,
Your guy is under the false assumption that achieving his goals and being with you are mutually exclusive. Or that could be just an excuse, a way to buy more time while he tries to figure out what he wants. Even more troubling is the fact that he talks about the future in terms of what he needs, rather than the two of you as a couple. We understand that he’s relatively young and wants to see the world, but the fact that he doesn’t want to do it as a team is a concern.
You say the relationship has always been about him. What do you mean? Do you feel that you’ve rearranged your life to accommodate his? (How old are you?)
We see both sides here. Your guy was 25 when the two of you met. That’s young for a guy to commit. He was probably torn. He didn’t want to lose you, so he pushed forward with the relationship, ignoring an inner-voice that whispered doubts of his readiness. His inner-conflict has continued, and now that he isn’t worried about losing you, he’s feeling more selfish about his own goals and dreams, once again, seeing his personal journey and your relationship as mutually exclusive.
The question is: Is this about him, or is this about how he feels about you?
That’s something we can’t answer for you, but he can. We think it’s time for a heart-to-heart talk. He needs to be honest with you and answer some difficult, but important, questions. Such as: Does he really want to be with you? Does two more years really mean two years? And what do those two years look like? Will he be off seeing the world while you’re at home wondering what the future holds? Is he still in love with you or is he not sure now?
A heart-to-heart is just the first step. After you have a talk, or many talks, you then have to decide what you believe, what you think, and what you want. This isn’t just about him. You have control over the future as well. It’s time the balance of power is restored.
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