Will I ever hear from him again?

Hey Guys,

I was with my guy for just over six months. The day after I met him, he opened up to me and told me that due to some bad decisions he’d made two years ago, he still had a court case looming from an old possible DUI and did not know how it would all turn out. At best, nothing would happen…at worst, he could go to jail for up to a year. I was very understanding and accepting of the information. To me, it was most important that he was being honest. What kind of person would I be to judge his past? I told him I’d be here for him whether things turned out good or bad.

Things were wonderful, real and natural between us. There was never a doubt in my mind that things would work out. He introduced me to his family a month later and insisted on meeting mine the following month when they were visiting. He called multiple times a day, texted every morning, lunch and night.

We got into a bit of an argument a few weeks before he ended things. He told me I was his rock and apologized for it, expressing that I was the only thing getting him through all the drama. Then, his work schedule got crazy. He was working 12 hour shifts for 20 days doing maintenance at work, which happens once every six months. He was busier, so I didn’t question that he was a little quieter than usual.

When I finally got a chance to go see him on a day he got finished early, we had dinner with his parents and everything seemed fine. When alone again, he was trying to make me pick a fight and I wasn’t biting. Eventually, he told me that he had been thinking a lot about us and wasn’t sure he could give me what he knew I wanted. He said I could find another guy who would want to get married and have kids easily and it wasn’t fair to me to be waiting on something he may never want. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said no. He just needed time to think. So I gave him a few days to think.

Later, when I reached out he told me he didn’t know what I wanted to talk about, that we could be friends, but nothing more right now. He said he had been seeing someone else the last few weeks, which I find very hard to believe. His parents had told me how crazy his job had been. He had also been cheated on in the past by his ex-wife and knows how hurtful that is. I didn’t think he was capable of causing that type of pain. We had talked in the past and I asked that if he ever should change my mind, to tell me instead of cheating, which he told me he was incapable of doing.

Part of me feels like he just said he cheated because he knew I wouldn’t fight for the relationship if he had. He also mentioned there is a preliminary court appearance he had to make at the end of this month. After our conversation on the phone, he texted me and said that he was sorry and didn’t mean for things to be this way. He said he knew I was a good person and I deserved someone better than him. I was so hurt by it all that I told him I didn’t regret one minute we spent together because, whether he wanted to admit it or not, we had something special. I also asked that he not contact me again because he’d caused me so much pain.

That was one week ago today. Will I ever hear from him again? I love him so much despite everything. I wanted to be there for him through all of this court stuff. I’m confused, hurt, depressed and more. I never thought we would end. Please give me some sort of insight.


Dear Confused,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re in so much pain right now. Maybe we can shed some light on his behavior.

This seems like a classic example of a guy who does not feel deserving of what he has, or rather, had. You were understanding, compassionate, loving and loyal. You were someone he could count on, a foundation for him to lean on. And instead of being grateful, he decided to push you away. Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn’t, but it almost doesn’t matter. He’s chosen to go back to his life before you, one possibly filled with uncertainty, angst, foolishness, and irresponsibility.

Why would he do that?

Because, it’s an easier path. He knows how difficult it is to build a life with someone. He was already let down by his ex-wife, and he isn’t ready to try again. It could be that it’s too soon after his divorce. (Guys usually aren’t ready to settle for years and years after they get divorced or separated. Sometimes they’re never ready to settle down again.) It could be that he’s gun shy, and worried that you’ll do what his ex-wife did, even though he knows deep down that you’re a very different person than she was. If he did cheat, this would be a logical reason. When people fear something, they often go on the offensive, and do the very thing they’re worried about. It doesn’t make sense really, but it happens quite often. Anxiety can make people behave in unpredictable ways. Finally, it could be that he knows his life is a mess, and he can barely handle that, let alone a committed relationship.

Will you ever hear from him again?

It depends. He’s going to need to have some sort of epiphany. And frankly, that doesn’t happen often, unless people are committed to changing their lives. In general, people are lazy. It’s a lot easier to go back to a single life, rather than have to worry about someone else’s feelings and emotions. What we wouldn’t do is reach out to him. Any sort of reconnection must be initiated by him. And if that happens, you need to think seriously about whether or not you can build a life with this guy.

In the meantime, our advice would be to focus on yourself, and start thinking about building a life without him.

We are truly sorry. We know this is really hard. Take care of yourself.


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4 Comments on Will I ever hear from him again?

  1. My name is Cory. I’m 24 and gay. My ex and I met online. It the feelings were real. Of affection,attraction and the feelings you get when you really want to be with someone. We communicated for almost 3 years. Attempting LET’s even. None lasted to long as I often broke them off. It was to hard. We’d text everyday from noting until night. We’d Skype and talk on the phone. Send pictures. Then feelings started to change. I know this because mine were as well. I realized all the time I had been wasting. He wasn’t here Nor I there. My feeling were strong his as well. I know this to be true. I finally had enough. I have the ultimatum. We have a real physical relationship or I must let go. He told me to hold,hold on. I couldn’t anymore. 3 years…. Come on now. I told him that. Either we set a date. Make actual goals to and put worth action to achieve them. I must let go. Inside I was dying I wanted to hold on but I know if I did not take my stand and put a end to this stalemate. I would loose him. (soon he may find someone closer) or worse loose myself more than I already had. He was angry with me. He said fine fuck it leave. If you want to go so bad then go… My heart hurt. I refused his offer of platonic friendship so he blocked my number. Why did he tell me these seemlingly genuine things and then never come through? We had a lot of feelings for each other. I know this to be true. In not pining over him but I do miss him.. So you think I will ever hear from him again?

  2. @Cory….Nice to hear from you. Could you clarify a few things for us? Here’s what we believe to have happened. You met your ex online. You had a long distance/online relationship for three years. What sort of relationship was it? Purely emotional or did you have phone sex, or online sex, or anything in that realm? (Also, what exactly is an LET?) After three years you wanted to see if you could have an actual relationship in the same city/town but he declined and instead just wanted to be friends. So the two of you split up. Do we have that right? Anything important we missed or should know? Fill us in and we’ll get back to you. And hang in there.

  3. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year last week after he admitted to continuing to text and flirt with other women. This has been a recurring theme for months and we have almost broken up over it 2 other times. I always gave him another chance because he said he wanted things to work out between us, he loved me and that he wasn’t ” trying to date anyone else”.. I always made it clear what I felt cheating was and that texting other women, meeting them for drinks and being sexually flirty with them was a deal breaker with me. When he admitted he was doing this again last week, I told him it was over. He said “just give me some time, I’ll get myself straightened out”..those were the last words he said as I left. I would love for him to figure it out and stop- I felt we had a really special thing, and he agreed. Do you think I’ll ever hear from him again? I’m heartbroken…

  4. @Kathi…..We are so sorry. Yes, we do think you’ll hear from him again. The bigger question is: Is he capable of change? So how old is he? If he’s young and immature, it’s possible he just needs to get this sort of behavior out of his system. That said, we look for patterns. And he’s demonstrated that this behavior has become a pattern, which is a red-flag. The point is, we do think he’ll be back, and then it will be up to you to decide if he’s capable of change. ps. Have you read our book? You might be interested. We’ve been told it’s a fun, fast and informative read. It’s called, Inside Your Guy’s Mind. (ps. If you leave us a 5 star review, you get a free Private Question via email to discuss anything more in-depth.

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