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Will my Friends with Benefits come back?

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Hi Guys,
I had a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement for over six months with this guy. He said he didn’t want a relationship but he enjoyed my company so much. During this time we would hang out, watch movies, make dinner together and at times go out on dates. He would sleep over at my place and I would sleep over at his place.

It was great and I think he was a little jealous because at times he would ask me if am sleeping with someone else and I would assure him I wasn’t.

A few days ago he decided to end it. And though I miss him, I believe there is nothing I can do to have a relationship with him. My question is, how do I get over this and will he come back one day??

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

It sounds like you really care about this guy. We’re sorry things didn’t work out.

It’s going to take time to get over him, but maybe looking at it from a different perspective will help speed up the grieving process. Here’s the thing Rebecca. It may have seemed like you were in a relationship with him, but the fact is, FWB is more of an arrangement rather than a relationship. Which means that the way he viewed things was different than how you viewed them. Sure, we know you understood what it was, but understanding intellectually doesn’t mean feelings can’t develop. And of course, that changes everything doesn’t it?

Keep in mind that if he saw long-term potential with you he would have asked you to be his girlfriend. He didn’t do that, which means he didn’t see you as someone he wanted to be in a relationship with. (We are sorry. We know this is hard to hear.) And this is the big problem with these types of arrangements. (FWB, Hook Up, F-Buddies, etc.) They blur the lines and make everything very confusing.

So to answer your second question first. No, we don’t get the sense he’ll come back. Or rather, he may come back, but only to continue with the perks of a FWB, not to begin a relationship. And based on the tone of your note, we don’t get the sense that resuming a FWB would be enough for you. Would it?

To your first question, How do you get over him? Well, this is pretty straightforward. Understand that you deserve better. And don’t settle for less. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you just as you love and respect them. This guy may have been a great guy, but he wasn’t willing to commit on any level. Hold on to that thought and maybe getting over him will become easier.

Any questions? Reactions? (Please leave in the comments section below.)

Take care of yourself,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

Read more posts on Friends with Benefits. (Relationship Advice, Relationship Coaching)

 

7 Comments on Will my Friends with Benefits come back?

  1. I know how it feels to miss someone and hope that they will come back as the person they were. But I’m realizing that that will never happen.

    I was dating a guy in September that I known for two years. In that month, a lot happened! He took me out on a lot of dates, met my friends, took me on a surprise weekend trip, introduced me to his parents and then we spent a week in Italy together. I thought everything was going well. I mean, why invest so much time, money and effort into a girl you don’t like?
    Italy was amazing and I felt we genuinely had a great time together. Then, we get back and I barely hear from him. He still texts me to ask how I’m doing and always (almost everyday) sends me a video he thinks I would find cute or funny on Instagram and Facebook.
    I know I need to move on and I have a few dates lined up with other guys for the upcoming weeks. But I am writing this question because I am still confused and obsessing over this situation. I really liked and felt connected with this guy and we had a great time in Italy. I don’t understand why he would still text me occasionally but not make anymore plans to see me. How do you think I should handle this once I get another text from him? Do you think I should play his game back by ignoring him or meet with him so I could finally get an answer as to why this happened?

  2. @Kyra….We can understand why you feel so confused and hurt. We have a few questions before we respond. 1. How did you go from being friends for two years to dating? 2. When you say you were dating in September, was it exclusive? Casual? What does dating him mean? 3. Were you intimate physically with this guy? (We’re assuming yes.) Did his behavior change after you started having sex? 4. Did you have any issues, disagreements, problems that you could point to for the reason for his behavior? What do YOU think happened? What do your friends think?

  3. Thank you so much for answering.
    Hmm it’s such a long story. We were never friends really, but known each other for two years. He was always very special to me. He is from Austria and he visited the US 2 years ago to meet a friend my freshmen year of college. I had a really good time with him when he came to the US and I had my first time with him 2 years ago. We continued to message each other on facebook for two years. I started studying German and made the decision to study in Austria. Once he found out, we started planning a lot together. He was so excited and helpful and when I met him in September we started dating.
    It was not officially exclusive in September but we spent a lot of time together! I met his parents, we went on dates, and everyone around us assumed he was my boyfriend. He acted like my boyfriend. We didn’t even have sex again until I was in Italy so I waited a few weeks and tried not to rush into it. We never had the relationship talk because it was the first month of dating and I thought it was too soon to start that discussion and didnt want to scare him away. He even talked about future things we would do together, and inquired about my family, and compared us to other couples. For example, when we were in Italy he said something like “they are like us because she is from Italy and he is from England”.

  4. We never had any issues or fights or disagreements! He mentioned a few times about me returning back to the US after a year and it seemed that he got sensitive about that subject though. And sometimes he would say “You should go to that club or place with your friends” or “I hope I am not taking away from your time at the University”.But I have no clue what really happened. And it bothers me because he was always a special person to me. My friends are completely baffled too and everyone asks me about it because it fascinates them. It is also still strange because he still messages me. Maybe he still messages me because he wants to let me know he is still there for me but does not want to pursue anything right now. However, I am curious everyday about why and what goes through his head.

  5. @Kyra……Thanks for filling us in. Here’s what we think may have happened. (And remember, we are only basing our opinion on what you’ve told us. We’re sure it’s more complex than our explanation.) Here goes…….We think he got ahead of himself. He very much wanted to be in love, and have the perfect relationship with you, but as things got more serious, he realized he didn’t feel that way for whatever reason. Guys tend to do this. Some of it is driven by hormones. The anticipation of you coming to Austria, and him having sex with you, was probably enough to drive him mad. (In a good way.) But like we said, those intense feelings can also make a man do or say things he may or may not mean. (A guy only knows how he really feels after he’s “calmed” down a little.) So you ask: Why does he still stay in touch with me and text me all the time? Well, good question. We think it’s because he doesn’t want to look like a bad guy. Sure, he may still care for you, but it’s important to him that you don’t think badly of him.

  6. Thank you so much for answering and taking the time to reply. I really appreciate that. I feel like that makes sense and really clears things up. Obviously I don’t know 100% unless I ask him – which when I feel ready I may sit down with him to talk and establish closure and maybe we could be friends.
    Lately he has been telling me that he was under a lot of stress this month so maybe he also realized it wasn’t a good time for him too?
    Do you think, him being a 27 year old man, that he handled it immaturely?

  7. @Kyra……Like you said, the only way you’re really going to know is if you talk to him. (Of course, then you have to decide if you believe him.) Do we think he’s immature? Well, 27 is right around the time where most men start to become responsible and mature adults. But honestly, we think he just got ahead of himself. Is that immaturity? Maybe. Let’s call it inexperience. But we don’t think he was being manipulative or anything, just a little clueless. And now he may feel guilty about it all. Also…..he may not even realize what happened. A person has to be self-reflective in order for them to understand WHY they do what they do. Make sense?
    ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all your friends and maybe on social media. Thanks.

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