Will my Friends with Benefits come back?

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Hi Guys,
I had a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement for over six months with this guy. He said he didn’t want a relationship but he enjoyed my company so much. During this time we would hang out, watch movies, make dinner together and at times go out on dates. He would sleep over at my place and I would sleep over at his place.

It was great and I think he was a little jealous because at times he would ask me if am sleeping with someone else and I would assure him I wasn’t.

A few days ago he decided to end it. And though I miss him, I believe there is nothing I can do to have a relationship with him. My question is, how do I get over this and will he come back one day??

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

It sounds like you really care about this guy. We’re sorry things didn’t work out.

It’s going to take time to get over him, but maybe looking at it from a different perspective will help speed up the grieving process. Here’s the thing Rebecca. It may have seemed like you were in a relationship with him, but the fact is, FWB is more of an arrangement rather than a relationship. Which means that the way he viewed things was different than how you viewed them. Sure, we know you understood what it was, but understanding intellectually doesn’t mean feelings can’t develop. And of course, that changes everything doesn’t it?

Keep in mind that if he saw long-term potential with you he would have asked you to be his girlfriend. He didn’t do that, which means he didn’t see you as someone he wanted to be in a relationship with. (We are sorry. We know this is hard to hear.) And this is the big problem with these types of arrangements. (FWB, Hook Up, F-Buddies, etc.) They blur the lines and make everything very confusing.

So to answer your second question first. No, we don’t get the sense he’ll come back. Or rather, he may come back, but only to continue with the perks of a FWB, not to begin a relationship. And based on the tone of your note, we don’t get the sense that resuming a FWB would be enough for you. Would it?

To your first question, How do you get over him? Well, this is pretty straightforward. Understand that you deserve better. And don’t settle for less. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you just as you love and respect them. This guy may have been a great guy, but he wasn’t willing to commit on any level. Hold on to that thought and maybe getting over him will become easier.

Any questions? Reactions? (Please leave in the comments section below.)

Take care of yourself,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

Read more posts on Friends with Benefits. (Relationship Advice, Relationship Coaching)

 

24 Comments on Will my Friends with Benefits come back?

  1. I know how it feels to miss someone and hope that they will come back as the person they were. But I’m realizing that that will never happen.

    I was dating a guy in September that I known for two years. In that month, a lot happened! He took me out on a lot of dates, met my friends, took me on a surprise weekend trip, introduced me to his parents and then we spent a week in Italy together. I thought everything was going well. I mean, why invest so much time, money and effort into a girl you don’t like?
    Italy was amazing and I felt we genuinely had a great time together. Then, we get back and I barely hear from him. He still texts me to ask how I’m doing and always (almost everyday) sends me a video he thinks I would find cute or funny on Instagram and Facebook.
    I know I need to move on and I have a few dates lined up with other guys for the upcoming weeks. But I am writing this question because I am still confused and obsessing over this situation. I really liked and felt connected with this guy and we had a great time in Italy. I don’t understand why he would still text me occasionally but not make anymore plans to see me. How do you think I should handle this once I get another text from him? Do you think I should play his game back by ignoring him or meet with him so I could finally get an answer as to why this happened?

  2. @Kyra….We can understand why you feel so confused and hurt. We have a few questions before we respond. 1. How did you go from being friends for two years to dating? 2. When you say you were dating in September, was it exclusive? Casual? What does dating him mean? 3. Were you intimate physically with this guy? (We’re assuming yes.) Did his behavior change after you started having sex? 4. Did you have any issues, disagreements, problems that you could point to for the reason for his behavior? What do YOU think happened? What do your friends think?

  3. Thank you so much for answering.
    Hmm it’s such a long story. We were never friends really, but known each other for two years. He was always very special to me. He is from Austria and he visited the US 2 years ago to meet a friend my freshmen year of college. I had a really good time with him when he came to the US and I had my first time with him 2 years ago. We continued to message each other on facebook for two years. I started studying German and made the decision to study in Austria. Once he found out, we started planning a lot together. He was so excited and helpful and when I met him in September we started dating.
    It was not officially exclusive in September but we spent a lot of time together! I met his parents, we went on dates, and everyone around us assumed he was my boyfriend. He acted like my boyfriend. We didn’t even have sex again until I was in Italy so I waited a few weeks and tried not to rush into it. We never had the relationship talk because it was the first month of dating and I thought it was too soon to start that discussion and didnt want to scare him away. He even talked about future things we would do together, and inquired about my family, and compared us to other couples. For example, when we were in Italy he said something like “they are like us because she is from Italy and he is from England”.

  4. We never had any issues or fights or disagreements! He mentioned a few times about me returning back to the US after a year and it seemed that he got sensitive about that subject though. And sometimes he would say “You should go to that club or place with your friends” or “I hope I am not taking away from your time at the University”.But I have no clue what really happened. And it bothers me because he was always a special person to me. My friends are completely baffled too and everyone asks me about it because it fascinates them. It is also still strange because he still messages me. Maybe he still messages me because he wants to let me know he is still there for me but does not want to pursue anything right now. However, I am curious everyday about why and what goes through his head.

  5. @Kyra……Thanks for filling us in. Here’s what we think may have happened. (And remember, we are only basing our opinion on what you’ve told us. We’re sure it’s more complex than our explanation.) Here goes…….We think he got ahead of himself. He very much wanted to be in love, and have the perfect relationship with you, but as things got more serious, he realized he didn’t feel that way for whatever reason. Guys tend to do this. Some of it is driven by hormones. The anticipation of you coming to Austria, and him having sex with you, was probably enough to drive him mad. (In a good way.) But like we said, those intense feelings can also make a man do or say things he may or may not mean. (A guy only knows how he really feels after he’s “calmed” down a little.) So you ask: Why does he still stay in touch with me and text me all the time? Well, good question. We think it’s because he doesn’t want to look like a bad guy. Sure, he may still care for you, but it’s important to him that you don’t think badly of him.

  6. Thank you so much for answering and taking the time to reply. I really appreciate that. I feel like that makes sense and really clears things up. Obviously I don’t know 100% unless I ask him – which when I feel ready I may sit down with him to talk and establish closure and maybe we could be friends.
    Lately he has been telling me that he was under a lot of stress this month so maybe he also realized it wasn’t a good time for him too?
    Do you think, him being a 27 year old man, that he handled it immaturely?

  7. @Kyra……Like you said, the only way you’re really going to know is if you talk to him. (Of course, then you have to decide if you believe him.) Do we think he’s immature? Well, 27 is right around the time where most men start to become responsible and mature adults. But honestly, we think he just got ahead of himself. Is that immaturity? Maybe. Let’s call it inexperience. But we don’t think he was being manipulative or anything, just a little clueless. And now he may feel guilty about it all. Also…..he may not even realize what happened. A person has to be self-reflective in order for them to understand WHY they do what they do. Make sense?
    ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all your friends and maybe on social media. Thanks.

  8. I don’t know if I can ask a question or not, but your response to the other comment was so logical and I really like to know your opinion about mine. I have a guy friend and we were really close, but there never was anything between us. a few month back, he was in a really bad situation in his life, and he started to show some sexual intention toward me, I declined them, and then things get really bad between us. He started to act really unfriendly and took distance from me. we talked about it and he said he never wanted a relationship with me, and it was just a mistake, i said it is ok, but he is still acting odd. it feels like he doesn’t even like me anymore and don’t even wants to be friend me. I talked with him about this too, and he said that it is all in my mind and everything is ok. our other friends are in conviction that he was in love with me and he felt rejected so it is hard for him to let it go. I don’t believe this is true, and i only feel like he was abusing me (or want a sexual relationship without any responsibility). Now i don’t know what to do? does he really like me? and how can we get back to normal? cause i really miss him as a friend…

  9. @Bamsi…..Sure, you can ask a question. But we need a little more info. Can you describe your friendship a bit more. How often did you see him? What did you do together? Did he ever talk about dating other women with you? How old are the two of you? What actually happened when he showed you he wanted sex? How did he show you? And what did your rejection look like? How did you decline him?

  10. thank you, of course. we were just friends, mostly hang out in group of 3 but the two of us were closer than others, we spend 7 days of week together, he slept every night in my place and we watched movies and went to shopping, talk about stuffs and etc. yes of course he did, we both talked about other people, he even found a GF, and I was seeing someone during that time. we are both in our 20s. well about the sexual stuffs, we were cuddling and he tried to touch me, then he said it was an accident, but happened again, I asked him why and he said just because he was really upset (he was under a lot of pressure back then), I said i feel like he is abusing me and a good friend would never do such a thing. I was soo mad and hurt that I tried and to keep a distance, he got mad over this, and put the blame on me for whatever has happened between us (although he was saying he was sorry before). It has been a mess since then, what part is my fault? I just can’t stop blaming myself

  11. @bamsi…Thanks for filling us in. Basically he was testing the waters to see how you’d react if he touched you a little. When you reacted the way you did he felt a little embarrassed, and then later angry. But, to be very clear. This is NOT your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You weren’t comfortable with the touching and you told him so. Sure, it’s possible you might have been a little less accusatory than you were. Meaning, you basically he said he was abusing you, or at least your friendship. That’s a harsh word to use. Is that how you felt? FYI: You might be interested in reading our ebook on Amazon, entitled, Inside Your Guy’s Mind. There’s a lot of good information on guys in there. How they feel? Why they behave the way they do. We cover all sorts of topics. Here’s the Link: Inside your Guy’s Mind ps. We hope you give us a five star review. That would be much appreciated. Thanks.

  12. Hi I just found your post right now and it fits a lot with the moment that I’m living. Last year I was doing a student exchange program. In the first I should have stayed for only 2 months but I met this guy on Tinder and I decided to stay more. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but in the start nothing seemed clear between us the thing was “see how things will happen” to both. I had never been in any kind of relationship before, he was my first experience for everything. Then I felt in love I told him but he didn’t want anything serious but I already was in love so I really thought that with some time he could change his mind but it didn’t happen. And things got frustrating between us with me really upset and us having that conversation many times and he always saying that he didn’t want to be more then FWB with me. I feel like he had shame of me cause i don’t have money enough and I was working as a cleaner to maintain myself in his country after that I had problems with my visa since I couldn’t work with something better cause my visa didn’t allow me and I knew that I couldn’t maintain this “situationship” with him I decided to move back to my country I got in my parents house 2 months ago.

  13. About the boy we had some “fight” by texting and now in the Christmas I started to text him again but he clearly don’t want to keep a conversation with me anymore according with him I was insisting in something that he always made clear to me and he wanted to be my friend but I seemed not to want. My last text to him was “I was trying to keep a conversation” and he didn’t answer anything until now. I just can’t deal with it I really love him and we are so far from each other. I thought if I came back to my country it would be more easy to forget him but it isn’t. And I also thought he would realize that he likes me and ask me to go back even he already knowing that if he had asked me to stay there I would have stayed and he said me that I should be my decision. As a result my life in my country is like a shit and the only person that I wanted to be close even don’t care and don’t want to talk to me.
    Help me?
    Ps: sorry for my English I’m still learning
    Ps2: I love your site

  14. @Maria….Your English is fine. We can understand what you’re writing. First of all, we’re very sorry about your situation. This sounds hard. That said, we don’t see your relationship going anywhere with this guy. The reason you’re confused is because his actions don’t match his words. On the one hand he hooked up with you and was probably somewhat loving to you. But then he kept telling you he didn’t want a relationship. Do you see why that could be confusing? And this is exactly why we are against Friends with Benefits, or casual hook ups. Those types of arrangements usually lead to confusion, anger and hurt feelings. (Exactly where you are right now.) By reaching out to him, you’re only prolonging the pain. He’s not going to come around. We are sorry. Our advice would be to focus on yourself, try to learn from this, and then move on and apply your new understanding of men to your next relationship. What do you think? ps. We encourage you to read our ebook on Amazon called, Inside your Guy’s Mind. It contains a lot of useful information about how guys think and why we behave the way we do. It’s also a fast and fun read. Click the link here, or on our site. NOTE: If you do pick it up, we’d appreciate a great review. That helps us on Amazon. Thanks!

  15. Hi guys,
    I find your input on the topic of FWB invaluable, if for no other reason than your honesty. You are not trying to sugarcoat things or give false hopes, which is a relief as false hopes usually bring nothing more than heartache.
    That said, do you think you could share some advice on getting over this kind of one-side love affair? I myself fell into the trap of thinking I could sustain a causal relationship, just to find out I have developed feelings for the other party. I won’t bore you with the details, as I have already watched a gazillion videos on the topic and read twice as much articles/reddit threads to know I have experienced nothing out of the ordinary – guy states he doesn’t want anything more than sex, girl is too inexperienced to know better, girl develops feelings, girl needs to move on.
    Please help with the last part of this sad scenario as this girl is having trouble putting the FWB catastrophe behind her. I do have quite a healthy self-esteem, I know I have a lot of qualities and a lot of other options, the problem is my heart seems to be set on pinning on this one. I have successfully set in motion no contact evacuation plan, but still I find myself obsessing over the guy and checking his social media frenetically. I know time will heal and blah-blah, but please, if you have any advice that could help in similar situations, do share, as my own pitifulness is driving me crazy.
    Best regards,
    Somebody who doesn’t know any better

  16. @Cath…..You ask a good question. How to move on from a FWB? This is really one of those situations where your mind has to take over and start calling the shots. Your heart is not going to help. So how do you do this? Start by reminding yourself of why you should move on. Make a list. (His lack of commitment. He doesn’t call unless he want sex. How that makes you feel. Etc.) Have your friends remind you if you forget.,,,,.The point is, this is just like quitting an addiction. It’s not easy. That’s about all we can say about it. It’s up to you to do the hard work! But we know you can. Let us know if you have any other questions. Also, have you read our book? You might find it interesting and informative. “Inside your Guy’s Mind.”

  17. Hey. I just had a similar situation. I met a guy through my mom. He was my moms bosses son. She arraranged that we travel together. I love to travel, but I have no one to travel with. So the plan was originally to join him and his friend and travel. My mom gave me his number and information. I was hesitant to contact him I almost had a gut feeling it was not a good idea. My mom gave me a gift from him, a small coffee cup from a trip he went to. She suggested I txt him thank you. Again I was hesitant. I didn’t like the idea of my mom introducing me I wasn’t sure if ide clock with him. Eventually I texted him and we began

  18. talking. Immediately he wanted a pic of me and that made me uneasy. But I thought well I can trust him he’s my moms bosses son right he must be a good guy.so I sent him a photo and added him on Snapchat. We started talking everyday. I started to like his personality over txt. And he started to ask me when he would be able to see me. Again I was hesitant I got a bad gut feeling lol I kept postponing the meet up. I was also in the middle of nursing school so my schedule was crazy. However I kept in contact with him from August to November over text message. He asked if it was ok if he flirted with me and I said sure I don’t mind. Well My mom asked me how it was going and I said he seems nice I like him. She gave me a look and she said he

  19. has a girlfriend ok just be his friend. I immediately asked him I said hey my mom said you have a girlfriend will she be joining us. He said Haha ! No I don’t have a girlfriend I’m not looking for anything serious at the moment so no when we travel it’s just us. I had this gut feeling again so I decided to look on his ig. Of course there’s a girl in his comments. I continue to go on her profile but she’s private. So I let it go. Then he started asking me ok when are we meeting up I have a gift for you. I said I’m ok with next week. I ended up flaking on him. But I noticed that he went to a restaurant from his story on ig. Soo I decided to check that girls ig and there he was drinking wine with her at the restaurant. Haha. I convinced myself that that wasn’t him. He said he didn’t gave a gf and at this point I never met him in person. He posted nothing about her and didn’t folllow her on ig. He followers me on ig. He started to become distant over txt after that day. I decided that I was ready to meet up with him. Soo I agreed to meet up with him so he could give me the gift. I wasn’t going to hang out with him i was curious to see him. We saw eachother didn’t speak to eachother and laughed honestly it was

  20. awkward lol but funny. After I left he txted me right away asking when he could take me on a date so we could Party together. I said Next week. So we agreed on a day. That night I took a few shots of patron and that was a big mistake I ended up getting a little to tipsy and agreed to go to a hotel. We didn’t have sex we just hung out It was chill. He took me home then kept texting me calling he wanted to hang out again. I agreed. We went to a hotel again. This time we almost had sex. He went down on me only. The next day he was like we need to stop getting hotels if nothings going to happen. I was shocked when he said that. When he was taking me home I noticed him texting and the name was the same name as the girl from Instagram. When I got home I posted a pic of us on ig with the sweater he bought me. I noticed that she requested to follow me. I messaged her asking who she was but she didn’t respond. Then I got a phone call from him saying take that pic down now. You got me in trouble so I asked him do you have a girlfriend . He said no but I told you I talk to girls. I was shook. I made my page private. I messaged her you shouldn’t be mad at something that isn’t even yours. (I still regret sending that) I screenshotted the conversation where he said it’s done with her and I sent it to her. He was getting mad at me for screenshottong and giving me attitude. So I

  21. So I said you know what I’m done. I made another big mistake. I told my mom what had happened. She ended up calling him and telling him to stay away from me that he was no longer allowed to talk to me. I texted him asking for my sweater I left in his car and he never responded. Then he texted me I am no longer allowed to talk to you bye.!he ignored the for one month and dropped me just like that. I felt so empty and stupid. I started partying all December and posting everything on my Snapchat and he would watch my stories super fast. One day he messaged me and we arranged to see eachother on New Years. Our reunion wasn’t that great he said he would never trust me again. At this point I was so hurt I really was out of my mind. I

  22. started drinking heavily. We continued to see eachother we would meet up have sex but it wasn’t the same. On Valentine’s Day he chose to be with her. When I would ask him do you have a gf he would still say no but I talk to girls. I was ok with that(I thought) then I started to notice that I was in love. I ignored him for one month. Then got weak and back with him. Until last week. I noticed that under that girls comments she was calling him her boyfriend. That was the final draw. I felt sick to my stomach I blocked him on everything. And he texted me 5 days ago saying “wow props you really blocked me like that” and “I have a 45 min break today but I’m blocked!!!!” I didn’t respond to the message. I haven’t opened his snapchats. I guess my question is like the girl up there he continued to send me irrelevant messages everyday telling me he missed me and he loved me. why couldn’t he just tell me he had a girlfriend instead of sending me on an emotional rollercoaster thinking I needed to gain his trust again in order for him to forgive me. I literally felt like I needed to get his trust again. I was driving myself crazy. Did he even like me at all?

  23. Wats goin thru his head lol sorry it was long I’m just trying to give all the details so you guys can better understand

  24. @Lauren…..We’re sorry. You ask: Did he ever like you? Sure, but maybe not the way he represented himself. Meaning, this guy seems like a player to us. He was juggling at least two different women and who knows how many more. So yes, he liked you, but also “liked” other women too. Who knows what he was saying to them?? Lauren, try not to beat yourself up over it. You got caught up in it, in part because of how you met. (Through your mother.) Our Advice: Move on and try to learn from this. If you want to learn some more about guys read our ebook. “Inside your Guy’s Mind.” ON amazon. Take care.

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