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Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.

And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.

And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.

Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’

Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..

Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.

Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?

He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.

Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.

Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.

And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women

Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.

But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?

Three reasons. (Actually Four)

  1. The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
  2. The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
  3. He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
  4. He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)

As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.

So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow: 

If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.

A few final words:  A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.

Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.

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16 Comments on Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

  1. @TG…..Well, we wish we could answer that for you, but you’re going to have to figure this out. That said, here are some questions to ask yourself. 1. Is my self-esteem being compromised by being in a FWB with him? 2. Am I going to get stuck, or am I already stuck, in an emotional holding pattern if I stay with him? 3. Do I need to worry about my physical well-being if he’s sleeping around? 4. Am I with him because I’m hoping something will change and he’ll want a committed relationship? Once you sort out the answers to these questions it might help you make a decision. Have you talked to him and asked why he freaked out? Might be good to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and find out where he stands. Just a thought. Your call of course since there are no guarantees that he might push you away if you did. But at least you’d know what’s going on with him.

  2. Look I have a friend with benefits. I’ve known him for years. Yes, he’s cute and I’m attracted or i wouldn’t be with him. He’s married but it’s complicated. We both don’t want a relationship. We enjoy 6 hours together couple times a month. It’s easier than I thought and I’m okay with it. We cuddle after and talk. I’m single and date others. I just like having someone I trust who is amazing in bed. This way I won’t get tempted to sleep with guys I.go on date with. I’m able to control myself better. He’s willing to stop at anytime and so am I. So we’re going to continue our arrangement. I think alot of people try to hard. Don’t plan, don’t expect anything just do it. Also try limit it maybe twice month. Just enough get edge off while you’re dating looking for bf/gf

  3. @Amy….Thanks for sharing your thoughts/experiences.

  4. Can we somehow delete my comment after you guys respond? I hadn’t realized I had no way of asking anonymously

  5. @Alex…..No. Questions we answer via comments are for public consumption. If you want a private response via email choose the Ask a Private Question option. (It’s our most popular option) (There is a $35 fee)

  6. @Alex…..Also, we will delete your comment for you.

  7. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  8. Amy that is so trifling of you two. I bet you smile in his wife’s face. He doesn’t want a relationship because he is married. I hope you get a freaking clue. This kind of happened to me, he tells me that he was seeing someone after we had sex. He was one of the worst decisions I made…that man didn’t love me, care about me nor wanted anything but my sex and my cooking. It hurt because I loved that man and I was stupid for two years on and off. He’s not married, but you are asking for trouble and you’re so comfortable with it which is terribly sad. Should you happen to marry and this happens to you can’t be mad. He is a tired soul period to be carrying on like that.

  9. I started a FWB relationship with a man. He is divorced and has two kids. I fell in love with him but never told him how I really felt. It was just a once a month thing that we had. We cuddled, text not just for sex but just because, and he even played guitar and sang to me on one occasion. I thought of him constantly and I knew we couldn’t be together for different reasons. Anyway, I ended up moving job locations because I couldn’t stand seeing him show up at my job and not being able to show him or tell him how I felt. I kills me not seeing him but it’s a lot easier to ignore how I feel when we text because I don’t see him anymore. I still think I love him and care about him so much but I force myself to ignore how I feel. FWB does not work! Unless you really are a selfish person with no feelings.

  10. @Hanna…..We’re sorry. And we tend to agree with you. Thanks for sharing your story.

  11. Me and a friend, we had known one another for 10+ years, he’s always had like strong long relationships. Not me, I enjoyed the single life or so I thought. We began to hang out often, shared his 35th alone w/ just me and every weekend we’d have off we were w/ each other. Of course, intimacy was involved, we became great friends. I was always the distant person, he’d introduce me as his girlfriend or pack on the heavy PDA, but I never did. Well, just a few weekends back, I wanted to have some ME TIME, and he met a girl one Saturday, and that following Thursday decided to let me know. He tells me she’s knows all about our friendship besides the sexual part and I assume he wants me to continue to be his friend. But all I could do was tell him I was happy for him. But it actually really bothers me. . . I encouraged him all the time to be happy, just thought he was with being my friend. Now it actually bothers me heavily that he no longer will be around.

  12. @J…….We understand. So have your feelings truly changed or are you just bothered that he wants someone else? Seems to us if we’re reading your note correctly, that for a long time he wanted more with you but you kept him at arm’s length. So he decided to get the hint and move on. Do we have that right? If we do, and you’ve truly changed your mind, have you thought about talking with him about your changed feelings?

  13. Imjustalittlebug // July 12, 2017 at 1:30 am //

    Okay so I started a FWB relationship with my hometown friend (who is a girl) a couple of months ago over this summer. At first, the pursuit of chasing her made me really attracted to her. I wanted her to like me and I made a lot of moves on her. Once we became FWB it started to dwindle down. I sometimes had to get drunk to feel attracted to her enough to get in bed with her. Now I feel I’m closer to her than before but just back to beings friends with her. My question is should I tell her the way I feel or should I just keep being friends and if I feel attracted to her again then we could continue our FWB. just confused on how I wanted her so bad a month ago and now I don’t barely at all. Also, maybe this is due to her personality because some of the things she does really irritate me and prove to me I could never date her.

  14. @Imjustalittlebug…….We’re assuming from your note that you’re a guy? (It wasn’t completely clear from your note.) Well, what does she want? Is she pushing for something more? A relationship perhaps? Or? If she’s cool with how things are going then just be friends and see how it goes. But if it’s clear she wants more, or pushes you to tell her where you’re at, then it seems like you’ll have to be honest with her. What do you think?

  15. Melissa // July 18, 2017 at 3:04 am //

    Just got ‘dumped’. I’m a girl, 40, really attracted to this guy, great sex, from the start two years ago he was opposed to being friendly, going out, texting, never spoke on the phone. I really felt like crap for a long time for excepting this ‘treatment’ you know we girls are supposed to be treated blah blah… I justified his behavior a lot! He dated during this time, I didn’t. Without explanation i got a text that said, I’m done, I’m retiring from all the girls, please respect. Uhmmm ok, given the facts, can I ask why, or just assume its because of one of the four reasons listed above. I’m kinda glad its over, I think I wanted him more then he wanted me which wasn’t good, it still hurts, but I know I’m going to be fine

  16. @Melissa…..We’re so sorry. From what you describe this guy was NOT giving you the proper respect. And you knew that. We know it’s painful and probably doesn’t feel good, but honestly, you deserve much better than him. Don’t you think?

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