Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.

And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.

And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.

Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’

Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..

Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.

Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?

He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.

Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.

Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.

And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women

Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.

But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?

Three reasons. (Actually Four)

  1. The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
  2. The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
  3. He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
  4. He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)

As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.

So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow: 

If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.

A few final words:  A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.

Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.

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31 Comments on Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

  1. @TG…..Well, we wish we could answer that for you, but you’re going to have to figure this out. That said, here are some questions to ask yourself. 1. Is my self-esteem being compromised by being in a FWB with him? 2. Am I going to get stuck, or am I already stuck, in an emotional holding pattern if I stay with him? 3. Do I need to worry about my physical well-being if he’s sleeping around? 4. Am I with him because I’m hoping something will change and he’ll want a committed relationship? Once you sort out the answers to these questions it might help you make a decision. Have you talked to him and asked why he freaked out? Might be good to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and find out where he stands. Just a thought. Your call of course since there are no guarantees that he might push you away if you did. But at least you’d know what’s going on with him.

  2. Look I have a friend with benefits. I’ve known him for years. Yes, he’s cute and I’m attracted or i wouldn’t be with him. He’s married but it’s complicated. We both don’t want a relationship. We enjoy 6 hours together couple times a month. It’s easier than I thought and I’m okay with it. We cuddle after and talk. I’m single and date others. I just like having someone I trust who is amazing in bed. This way I won’t get tempted to sleep with guys I.go on date with. I’m able to control myself better. He’s willing to stop at anytime and so am I. So we’re going to continue our arrangement. I think alot of people try to hard. Don’t plan, don’t expect anything just do it. Also try limit it maybe twice month. Just enough get edge off while you’re dating looking for bf/gf

  3. @Amy….Thanks for sharing your thoughts/experiences.

  4. Can we somehow delete my comment after you guys respond? I hadn’t realized I had no way of asking anonymously

  5. @Alex…..No. Questions we answer via comments are for public consumption. If you want a private response via email choose the Ask a Private Question option. (It’s our most popular option) (There is a $35 fee)

  6. @Alex…..Also, we will delete your comment for you.

  7. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  8. Amy that is so trifling of you two. I bet you smile in his wife’s face. He doesn’t want a relationship because he is married. I hope you get a freaking clue. This kind of happened to me, he tells me that he was seeing someone after we had sex. He was one of the worst decisions I made…that man didn’t love me, care about me nor wanted anything but my sex and my cooking. It hurt because I loved that man and I was stupid for two years on and off. He’s not married, but you are asking for trouble and you’re so comfortable with it which is terribly sad. Should you happen to marry and this happens to you can’t be mad. He is a tired soul period to be carrying on like that.

  9. I started a FWB relationship with a man. He is divorced and has two kids. I fell in love with him but never told him how I really felt. It was just a once a month thing that we had. We cuddled, text not just for sex but just because, and he even played guitar and sang to me on one occasion. I thought of him constantly and I knew we couldn’t be together for different reasons. Anyway, I ended up moving job locations because I couldn’t stand seeing him show up at my job and not being able to show him or tell him how I felt. I kills me not seeing him but it’s a lot easier to ignore how I feel when we text because I don’t see him anymore. I still think I love him and care about him so much but I force myself to ignore how I feel. FWB does not work! Unless you really are a selfish person with no feelings.

  10. @Hanna…..We’re sorry. And we tend to agree with you. Thanks for sharing your story.

  11. Me and a friend, we had known one another for 10+ years, he’s always had like strong long relationships. Not me, I enjoyed the single life or so I thought. We began to hang out often, shared his 35th alone w/ just me and every weekend we’d have off we were w/ each other. Of course, intimacy was involved, we became great friends. I was always the distant person, he’d introduce me as his girlfriend or pack on the heavy PDA, but I never did. Well, just a few weekends back, I wanted to have some ME TIME, and he met a girl one Saturday, and that following Thursday decided to let me know. He tells me she’s knows all about our friendship besides the sexual part and I assume he wants me to continue to be his friend. But all I could do was tell him I was happy for him. But it actually really bothers me. . . I encouraged him all the time to be happy, just thought he was with being my friend. Now it actually bothers me heavily that he no longer will be around.

  12. @J…….We understand. So have your feelings truly changed or are you just bothered that he wants someone else? Seems to us if we’re reading your note correctly, that for a long time he wanted more with you but you kept him at arm’s length. So he decided to get the hint and move on. Do we have that right? If we do, and you’ve truly changed your mind, have you thought about talking with him about your changed feelings?

  13. Imjustalittlebug // July 12, 2017 at 1:30 am //

    Okay so I started a FWB relationship with my hometown friend (who is a girl) a couple of months ago over this summer. At first, the pursuit of chasing her made me really attracted to her. I wanted her to like me and I made a lot of moves on her. Once we became FWB it started to dwindle down. I sometimes had to get drunk to feel attracted to her enough to get in bed with her. Now I feel I’m closer to her than before but just back to beings friends with her. My question is should I tell her the way I feel or should I just keep being friends and if I feel attracted to her again then we could continue our FWB. just confused on how I wanted her so bad a month ago and now I don’t barely at all. Also, maybe this is due to her personality because some of the things she does really irritate me and prove to me I could never date her.

  14. @Imjustalittlebug…….We’re assuming from your note that you’re a guy? (It wasn’t completely clear from your note.) Well, what does she want? Is she pushing for something more? A relationship perhaps? Or? If she’s cool with how things are going then just be friends and see how it goes. But if it’s clear she wants more, or pushes you to tell her where you’re at, then it seems like you’ll have to be honest with her. What do you think?

  15. Melissa // July 18, 2017 at 3:04 am //

    Just got ‘dumped’. I’m a girl, 40, really attracted to this guy, great sex, from the start two years ago he was opposed to being friendly, going out, texting, never spoke on the phone. I really felt like crap for a long time for excepting this ‘treatment’ you know we girls are supposed to be treated blah blah… I justified his behavior a lot! He dated during this time, I didn’t. Without explanation i got a text that said, I’m done, I’m retiring from all the girls, please respect. Uhmmm ok, given the facts, can I ask why, or just assume its because of one of the four reasons listed above. I’m kinda glad its over, I think I wanted him more then he wanted me which wasn’t good, it still hurts, but I know I’m going to be fine

  16. @Melissa…..We’re so sorry. From what you describe this guy was NOT giving you the proper respect. And you knew that. We know it’s painful and probably doesn’t feel good, but honestly, you deserve much better than him. Don’t you think?

  17. @Melissa,
    FWB is an arrangement that works best when the two people do not have any emotional feelings or attachment for each other. From your comment, it seems like you have feelings for him, which is bad.
    You should not feel hurt or sad if you see him as friend. He’s not your boyfriend.
    It’s better that things ended between you two.

    The problem with girls is that they usually try to convince themselves about things do not exist. It happened to me.
    I had a friend with benefits relationship with a girl for around 3 years. I have told her so many times that I’m not looking for anything serious. I went through a bad divorce and just wanted to have fun.
    I did not want any emotions/commitment. That’s why I used to refuse to hangout or do activity together. I didn’t want to give her false hope or lead her on.

  18. @Stephen…..Thanks for sharing your perspective.

  19. Recently, I met a girl and started to fall in love with her. I decided to end everything and focus my time and attention toward this girl. I love her and I want to have long term thing with her.
    I ended the FWB agreement with that girl. She got mad and called me a bad guy because I used her. I thought we both were on the same page. I thought she just wanted to have fun.
    Sadly, this wasn’t the case. She was developing feelings for me and imaging things in her own head which is so bad.
    genuinely liked my friend but I don’t have feelings for her. The sex was great and she is a nice person but I don’t love her.

    Also, things would never work between us in long term. She is a 43 single mother. I’m 40 and I don’t have kids.
    I want to get married and have my own kids which is something she can not do.
    My point is that, do not feel too sad for getting dumped.
    This is better for you since it seems you like him.

  20. He came back around again, actually right up to my door, and was like what’s up. I was happy to see him. But I know this guy is bad news. I’m focusing on other things now, I really hope one day things will work out for me, its all I have to bank on. Thanks Stephen for your perspective, you sound a lot like him

  21. @Melissa
    Yes, focus on other things and do not give him more than he does. I hope everything work out as you want. I wish you the best.
    I wanted to tell you my perspective because I did feel bad for how things ended between me and my friend. I wouldn’t have continued the FWB arrangement between us if I knew she developed feelings for me. I didn’t mean to use her or hurt her. I just thought she is on the same page and wants fun without commitment/emotions.

    Also, if he did this again (ending things by text and coming back again), demand explanation. What he did sound immature. Even if you guys are not dating, you deserve to know the reasons.
    I talked, face to face, with my friend and discussed the reasons I’m ending things between us.
    She is not my girlfriend but she is not my booty call. We were friends. She deserved explanation.

    I hope you all the best.

  22. Men don’t marry their FWB partner.
    It took me several years to realize this, and now I am reading this and thinking I was so stupid for believing that my partner would marry me someday.

    I spent 4 years with him. He was my second FWB partner. The first one ended very quickly. Then, I met him and wanted to have fun. I started to love him and thought he loves me. I was thinking why he is with me all these years if he doesn’t love me?!

    I found out recently that he is in love with someone else. He used me to make her jealous. Now he left me for her. They are moving together and I guess getting engaged.

    It was so easy for him to end things after all these years. I am heartbroken. I lost faith in men and everything.

    I am not sure if will recover 🙁

    Will it get better?

  23. I think I need a professional help. I am not feeling well. 🙁

  24. It does get better. I really think he did like me and Lena don’t go down that road that he didn’t like you. He must have to stick around that long. I’m sure he has his own issues and they dont have to do with you. I’m so much better then I was, I just got tired I guess. I have been single and working on myself, he did not and just kept jumping back into toxic relationships. I don’t see him as this attractive guy anymore. Funny thing he still texts me time to time, I have ignored each one

  25. Why he left if he liked me….
    We spent 4 years together. I felt it was so easy for him… I feel like 4 years of my life got wasted.

    I don’t think I am ready to get into another relationship soon. I lost faith 🙁

    What kind of texts he sent? He asked you to get back together?
    Mine didn’t text me a single one. He totally disappeared…

    I hope things get better for me also.
    Thank you Melissa. I appreciate your response.

    I hope things work for you and you end up with someone who really loves you.

  26. @Lena……We are truly sorry to hear about your situation. There’s no need to rush into anything new. Take your time to heal. Surround yourself with people who care about you…..That said, we do think your faith will return at some point, when you feel stronger. And we assure you that there are men out there who are able to commit and be faithful. But typically, if a guy suggests a FWB, that means he’s not serious. We are sorry. We wish you all the best.

  27. “But typically, if a guy suggests a FWB, that means he’s not serious.”
    I realized this late.

    Thanks a lot all of you for the responses and your kind word. I will focus myself and work hard to get better.

    I hope one day I can find the right person for me.

  28. @Lena….You take care.

  29. Once you enter on one, it’s hard as hell to get out. Save yourself the emotional let downs and turmoil- it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And actually… Both get a little, if not a lot, hurt when it’s time to let go.

  30. @Lisa……Thanks for sharing.

  31. @Lisa
    I agree… It’s hard as hell.
    I made a mistake and I am trying to fix it. It’s hard but I know I will be fine. The good thing is that I learned my lesson…

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