Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.

And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.

And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.

Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’

Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..

Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.

Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?

He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.

Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.

Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.

And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women

Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.

But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?

Three reasons. (Actually Four)

  1. The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
  2. The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
  3. He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
  4. He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)

As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.

So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow: 

If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.

A few final words:  A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.

Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.

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8 Comments on Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

  1. @TG…..Well, we wish we could answer that for you, but you’re going to have to figure this out. That said, here are some questions to ask yourself. 1. Is my self-esteem being compromised by being in a FWB with him? 2. Am I going to get stuck, or am I already stuck, in an emotional holding pattern if I stay with him? 3. Do I need to worry about my physical well-being if he’s sleeping around? 4. Am I with him because I’m hoping something will change and he’ll want a committed relationship? Once you sort out the answers to these questions it might help you make a decision. Have you talked to him and asked why he freaked out? Might be good to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and find out where he stands. Just a thought. Your call of course since there are no guarantees that he might push you away if you did. But at least you’d know what’s going on with him.

  2. Look I have a friend with benefits. I’ve known him for years. Yes, he’s cute and I’m attracted or i wouldn’t be with him. He’s married but it’s complicated. We both don’t want a relationship. We enjoy 6 hours together couple times a month. It’s easier than I thought and I’m okay with it. We cuddle after and talk. I’m single and date others. I just like having someone I trust who is amazing in bed. This way I won’t get tempted to sleep with guys I.go on date with. I’m able to control myself better. He’s willing to stop at anytime and so am I. So we’re going to continue our arrangement. I think alot of people try to hard. Don’t plan, don’t expect anything just do it. Also try limit it maybe twice month. Just enough get edge off while you’re dating looking for bf/gf

  3. @Amy….Thanks for sharing your thoughts/experiences.

  4. Can we somehow delete my comment after you guys respond? I hadn’t realized I had no way of asking anonymously

  5. @Alex…..No. Questions we answer via comments are for public consumption. If you want a private response via email choose the Ask a Private Question option. (It’s our most popular option) (There is a $35 fee)

  6. @Alex…..Also, we will delete your comment for you.

  7. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  8. Amy that is so trifling of you two. I bet you smile in his wife’s face. He doesn’t want a relationship because he is married. I hope you get a freaking clue. This kind of happened to me, he tells me that he was seeing someone after we had sex. He was one of the worst decisions I made…that man didn’t love me, care about me nor wanted anything but my sex and my cooking. It hurt because I loved that man and I was stupid for two years on and off. He’s not married, but you are asking for trouble and you’re so comfortable with it which is terribly sad. Should you happen to marry and this happens to you can’t be mad. He is a tired soul period to be carrying on like that.

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