Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.

And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.

And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.

Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’

Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..

Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.

Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?

He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.

Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.

Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.

And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women

Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.

But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?

Three reasons. (Actually Four)

  1. The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
  2. The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
  3. He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
  4. He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)

As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.

So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow: 

If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.

A few final words:  A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.

Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.

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50 Comments on Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

  1. @Erryn……..Well we couldn’t be happier for you! Thanks for sharing all of your news, but especially your good news. Have fun and keep us posted. Take care! ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks.

  2. @ one of the guys,

    Thanks guys! Well when I met him it was four months away now it’s a month away. Maybe you guys are right. it wasn’t until after I mentioned Australia that he got weird. I think I will talk to him. Things have gotten even more confusing. when we were at my family’s party, everyone (not of my family) thought we were married. He wouldn’t let go of me when we were cuddling, and I was talking about rings and joking about how dorky my kids would be and he asked if I was hinting at something when I never mentioned him being involved.He begged me over the next night to stay with him and I said no, then the next night I did stay over. he cuddled and we made love and he kept entwining our hands. I think I want to confront him about it. And indeed I shall share your site!

  3. @Marie……Okay, good luck. Keep us posted.

  4. So I started dating this guy in April of 2012. To start he is 19 years older than me thats not the issue. We dated for three months and he was totally into me. Then we had sex and he was still into me. After a month of sex and dating he told me that he didn’t want anything serious with me becuase of the age difference and I was okay with it at the time because the sex was FANTASTIC and I had just gotten out of a four year relationship. Then he started getting romantic. We planned a vacation he texted/hung out with me all of the time. Finally after eight months I asked him what was going on because he was sending me mixed signals. I can handle sex but when he threw in the romance it confused the hell out of me. He said we were just friends and then I said we had to end the sex. He said okay and then he continued to flirt with me and try to get in my pants, but he was still being romantic. We went on vacation together because we planned it months before. Well we had sex and then I cut him off after vacation explaining we could no longer be friends because we’re going to keep having sex and he doesn’t want a relationship and I did now. He said nothing I walked out. A week later he texts me asking me to the movie. I’m so confused, What do I do? He was my best friend and I hate to lose him but I don’t trust myself or him when we are alone.

  5. @Katie…..You move on. He wants sex from you and this is only going to get more confusing and frustrating. We don’t see this changing.

  6. Hey Guys, I sent in a question but I’m kinda dying here so I thought maybe you would get to a comment quicker. This is a fairly long story and I tend to ramble so stay with me because its all important lol. I’ve changed all the names just because I’m usually a very private person and it feels weird to put it all up on the web. I’ve been good friends with this guy for three years, lets call him Ty. Ty and I met him my jr year of high school (boarding school) and by senior year we were best friends. We did everything together and we lived in the same dorm so we probably spent at least 16 hours a day together. In the morning whoever woke up first would call the other and 30 minutes later we were dressed and off to breakfast. From that point on we spent the rest of the day together, through lunch and dinner all the way until 11pm where we were restricted to our rooms….at which point we called each other and stayed on the phone until we fell asleep. We talked about everything under the sun. He was the first person I could open up to about my parents. I’ve never known my father and my mother and I have a relationship that has been horrible mentally and in the past physically. He made me feel protected and safe, and opened my eyes in a way that a lot of things in my life were not normal and that I shouldn’t have had to go through them. I’ve never felt hopeless or alone but eventually I realized I depended on him and where I had been so independent before I was coming to rely on him more and more. Then our relationship started to get complicated…very quickly. We had multiple sleepovers that at first were entirely innocent and then progressed to feeling each other up…although nothing ever really happened between us there was a VERY strong sexual attraction. After some time he started to crush on a girl at school and I actually helped him gather the courage to ask her out and plan what he was going to say. I wasn’t jealous at all and really didn’t think much of it. She said yes and he ended up telling her of our “sleepovers” and from that instant she hated my guts I’m sure. We limited our time together and obviously stopped sleeping over but we still made time to hang out after school. When we did we were very comfortable around each other and his gf didn’t like it at all. She never came to speak to me about it but she would tell him. After a while we stopped hanging out entirely and stopped calling one another. It was hard for me to not be able to speak with him as we told each other everything but I understood his gf and so I let it be. He didn’t like the arrangement either but I wouldn’t find that out yet. Toward the end of the year his gf started to lighten up and we were able to see each other again every so often. One night we had to stay up late in the lobby for a project and we ended up talking about the whole situation and how much we had missed hanging out together. I got pretty tired and somewhere around 4 am finished my work. I lay down on the couch facing the back and closed my eyes for a bit waiting for him to finish. He did and lay down next to me…ordinarily this wouldn’t have been a big deal since we had cuddled before, but the sexual attraction was very strong after not really being together for months. He had to spoon me to stay on the couch and after hearing something fall we both jumped apart. Although nothing actually happened we both felt horrible as if we had cheated and he resolved to tell his gf. She broke up with him the next day and basically shunned the two of us even until today. A few weeks later we went on tour with our school and he started to avoid me and limit his time with me. It hurt because I felt we were going through this together but he wouldn’t speak to me about it. When we got back to school after break I pulled him aside to tell him how much it hurt me and he told me that he was sorry and that he had actually even thought of ending our friendship entirely…but that now he couldn’t do that because he really liked being best friends. It shocked me that he even thought of ending our friendship and I got really mad, but eventually moved on and after a month or so we were back to our original friendship spending fun happy time together. I thought everything was going well but the sexual attraction once again got in the way. We ended up being FWB (I know….horrible decision) but it actually worked. We communicated about everything and regularly checked in to see how we felt. Just before the end of the year we are talking on the phone and he tells me that I was the only one of his friends that he had ever wanted to “say a certain three words to.” He wouldn’t say them but he did tell me he liked me. I was speechless as I didn’t know how to respond. I had liked him my first year before any of this but had closed those emotions off a long time ago and wasn’t sure if I still could feel that way for him. He didn’t let me say anything though and told me he didn’t want a relationship and that he really should just go to sleep. He would see me the next day. The next day we talked but not a lot and he seemed down but wouldn’t talk about it. The day after that he told me that he was over it and didn’t want anything about our relationship to change. When I tried to get more information he just insisted that he was okay. After proceeding with caution we ended the year as best friends. Over the summer we still talked daily or at least every two days for several hours. We sexted here and there but since we were far away we decided to talk about our “relationship” again in the fall when we would both be in the same city. In the fall I flew up for his birthday and we spent a good week together laughing and catching up and yes…having a lot of sex. I realized however that over the summer and really ever since the day he told me he had feelings for me, I had begun to like him again…and even to love him. Our last night/day together we went to the movies and dinner…it was by candlelight and I was really uncomfortable (for the first time ever around him). I insisted on paying so that I could snap myself out of the dream that it was a date. Later that night we were talking and I asked him if he wanted me to like him…after plenty of hesitation, he said yes. He told me that after he had told me he liked me that night, he had trained himself not to since we were FWB and not dating. That he had shut off those emotions and that now he had felt it again. I told him how I had been feeling (since we had promised we would tell each other immediately) and that night was probably the happiest I’ve ever been/ Then I left the city for the year….we both knew it would happen but didn’t really have time to discuss it. For twoish months afterward I tried to get information about where we stood in our relationship but he never gave anything definitive. Since the time we had become FWB we were exclusive (without really saying it, even though we both had multiple opportunities)….6 months. I finally got fed up and asked him to tell me the truth and not hurt me like this. I had always been more considerate and mature in the relationship but he had always told me he cared about me a lot and I believed him. We had said we would always get through the tough situations together. He didn’t take it very well though and got really mad. He told me that the whole thing was a lie and that he was just using me. I wasn’t sure if I should believe him because it sounded like he was just upset and trying to get the conversation to end. Then he got madder that I wouldn’t believe he was that big of an asshole and after yelling a lot hung up. He texted me that our friendship, the whole thing was over. I called but no answer. Then I just cried. all night. We didn’t speak at all for months. I couldn’t sleep or eat at all the first 3 weeks. after the first month I started to eat one big meal a day and the crying became more sporadic but I was still a mess. month two rolls by and I end up seeing an old friend of ours from HS and he takes me out and shows me around and was really sweet. I decided to text Ty to say Merry Christmas and he responds with the same and asks how I am. We small talk for a bit before I cut to the chase and tell him that I’m not sure if he wants to be friends again….if he does I’m relieved but need time to myself. He tells me to take as long as I need. A few weeks later we talk on the phone and I ask him straight out if he wants to be friends or what is going on….he tells me that he thinks he does want to talk again, when I’m ready and in person. I told him it wouldn’t be until the end of the year at least…and probably the end of the summer. The second month I had decided to contact my dad and will be meeting with him over the summer to find out what happened so long ago. I tried to focus on myself as much as I could and just put one step in front of the other. I’m relieved he is talking to me again but I’m scared of going back into that friendship again. One last important pice of information. The friend I met up again with after about 5ish dates we slept together…both of us knew it was for fun and I know he is a stand up guy. I also know that they are friends and while they aren’t super close I hesitated because I didn’t want to be mean to Ty and I didn’t want to use his friend. After much deliberation in my head I decided to do it because 1) I knew I wasn’t doing it to hurt Ty, I was doing it because I genuinely wanted to and 2) I had spent a lot of time putting Ty’s feelings before mine, this time I wanted to put myself first. I’m still not sure if it was 100% the right decision as I know it will bother Ty but I’m glad I did it…it proved to myself that I can move on eventually if I want to. Now my question is….where do I go from here? What is it that Ty wants from me? What is he expecting? Should I even try to take him back? I know only time will tell but I want to know your guys’ thoughts on the whole situation. Please be honest. That is my biggest thing about guy & my friends…I want them to be radically honest about everything!! Tell me what you think of him, me, and what you see as possible outcomes. Is this friendship salvageable? ….because more than anything I had always valued his friendship and I still care for him immensely. Thanks for reading this all (believe me this is the condensed version!!) & for your time to provide a response 🙂 Coco

  7. Not sure what to do // February 27, 2013 at 8:29 pm //

    Alright so, this is going to be long and I apologize but thought maybe I would get a reply quickly. I met my best friend when I was 17 and he was 20, on an international mission trip. He was living there as a missionary and we accidently got locked in a pantry together. He was beautiful, and we hit it off really well. I discovered that my friend that was on the trip with me knew him, and had a serious thing for him, so I decided to back off. For the next couple weeks everytime we ran into each other on the island his eyes would light up, and he’d try to be near me.but Like I said I let him go so my friend could persue him. And we all went back to the states. About six months later he started emailing me, and we eventually exchanged phone numbers. He lives a couple states away, but for six years now we’ve constantly kept in contact. He’s very special to me, he is incredibly sweet and caring, lets call him “kyle.” Through our six year friendship we’ve always mercilessly flirted, and it turned out he never liked my friend. I began dating another man when I was eighteen however. Kyle never approved of him. The man I started dating, I had an off an on again love affair with for four years. All while kyle was texting me in the background. While I dated this other man and started talking marriage. Kyle continued his quest for excitement. He biked across america for charity, he climbed the empire state building and the seats tower for charity, he helped at an orphanage in Mexico. He’s a bit of a loner, and has always been one of those guys who never has a girlfriend, hes too busy and non commital. In fact he’s never had a girlfriend. A couple years ago when I had just got back together with the other guy he texted me in the middle of the night, and asked if I liked him as more than a friend, I said I had just gotten back with my ex and he responded, “dammit, im always to late with you…im always too late :(.” he apologized the next day and embarrassed didn’t write me for awhile. A month later we resumed normal talking and he out of nowhere told me he had a dream where we were on the beach and I was walking toward him in a wedding dress, and he was completely happy, which blew his mind, how happy he was about it. (this coming from a man who always maintained he may never get married). Couple months later he was telling me that he loved his exciting life of travel, but that someday it might be nice to see a little boy next to him on a porch swing. We are both Christian. Throughout all this he maintained his virginity. Two years ago I became engaged to the other man and Kyle and I distances ourselves a little, my fiancée thought Kyle was too good looking and said that whenever I received a message from kyle my eyes lit up too much. A few months later we all went to church camp and my fiancé said he saw the way Kyle looked at me and knew we belonged together( he didn’t tell me this until later) needless to say things went south pretty quickly with my fiancée. Kyle came to visit me and i assurred my fiancée that we were just friends. Kyle and I went for coffee and then went to the park, we played on the jungle gym and he tried to kiss me, I turned my head because I was engaged and was faithful. He said he understood. A few months later my fiancée and I broke up. Kyle came to visit me again, we hung out with my friends. Then we went back to texting friends for anther year. Kyle traveled the u.s. I became wrapped up in friends, he was always there in the background. But about six months ago, we started bonding even more because my roommate went crazy. He’s been very supportive. He started telling me he loves me and that he’s so glad we’ve maintained this friendship over the years. That we really were the two best friends anyone could have. He asked me for pictures, so we’d send cute pictures back and forth and he would tell me how pretty I am. A month or two ago he was talking to me and at a stoplight a drunk driver hit him from behind going 85 mph. His car was totaled but he walked away fine. I was there texting and calling him through the whole process and he later told me how much it meant to him and that I was almost the last person he ever talked to and asked if I knew how special that made me to him. Our texting has increased to pretty much all day every day. He asked for pictures, and tells me how pretty I am. His band got a cd released and he asked me to listen to it. I suggested I come see him for a change and he got really excited. He said he wanted to take me ice skating in the city. I asked when the rink closed, he said tomorrow, I asked if that was a ploy too see me sooner and he said it was haha. Anyway. Things increased pretty quickly. While this was happening, my ex fiancée who is now engaged to someone else showed up at my door. He claims to still love me, and kissed long and hard. He started talking about ending it with the other girl and i just kind of stared. I used to be so in love with him, and he hurt me so bad I didn’t know what to do. He’s been calling and texting all day everyday. Kyle knows this. He’s not a fan. To get to the point. Kyle texted me last week and said “I might get to see you this week!!!!” I asked how and he said he had to drive to Atlanta to pick up his new car and on the way back he could swing through my state and see me. We got really excited all week about the prospect of finally being able to see each other and be together. We got kinda horny in these talks and started saying things we normally wouldn’t say. He talked about busting down my door and finally kissing me and my neck. And well things got kind of hot and heavy. The night before he was supposed to come we agreed to meet in a hotel. The weather got bad and he said he wouldn’t let me come if it risked my safety but that he was hoping and praying and looking at my pictures. We ended up meeting. First time we had seen each other in two years. Brought my dog, we checked in and went in to the room and talked for an hour. He looked at me and said that i was going to hate him for this, and that he couldn’t do it. I asked what he meant. He said that if he did anything with me now it would go against everything he stood for as a man. That there’s been so much sexual tension between us for almost seven years now but that he can’t do it. Not here and not like this. He told me that I’m beautiful and that he does want me sooo bad but that if it happens he wants it to be perfect and that a couple years down the road if it happens on the beach where we first met on the island that’s great, but that he respects me to much for that. Then he got really embarrassed and sad. I told him that what he said was great, it showed he had character and morals and that he was a real man. He thanked me for not being mad and we got on the bed and watched dateline for a couple hours and cuddled. He rolled me over and asked if I was ready after seven years, I said yes and we had our first kiss. The whole scene played out like the pottery love scene in ghost. Heavy petting, lots of kissing, it was like something out of an erotica book, except we did everything but sex. We cuddled, and fell asleep wrapped up in each other. We woke up randomly and he said out of nowhere “how many kids do you want?” I was like, um two or three, why? Do you want kids now?? He said “I think two or three, three would be nice, like two boys and a girl.” I said I agreed. I said i would like to get married and travel a couple years before I get married. He agreed, and then said but I don’t want to wait too my dad, who waited till he was forty. I think 30 is a good age to start.” Kyle is 27 now, this is a big deal because prior he’s never mentioned for sure ever wanting marriage or a family, he’s only been with two other girl aside from myself sexually. And the whole night he was pretty nervous I could tell based on the things we did do. And he’s never had a solid girlfriend though he has a fan club of women who are in love with him. I harass him about it all the time, and he giggles and says yes I do but your the only one I actually talk to. Anyways we made out and rolled around for awhile and I stroked his chest. He thanked me and told me that I was one of those women who have the touch that makes people feel like everything will be alright. I massaged his head and I told him how jealous I was of his exciting life, and he told me that yes he is extremely blessed but that his life does have consequences, like the fact that he doesn’t have a family of his own or a specific career, we cuddled and fell asleep. The whole 18hrs we were together his phone went off several times, he gave it to me and never once looked at it or feigned interest at all. I looked at who wrote him, all male friends. No girls. When we left he told me that he had a great time and that he would never be weird around me. He texted me on my drive home, asking me to be safe. He was going to visit his sister in law and his best friend so I knew his texting would be sporadic. It was. Sunday was the same way as he had to drive 10 hrs home. Monday he worked all day, but I felt like we didn’t text as much. Yesterday we texted but it wasn’t anything dirty or funny anymore, it was more what are you doing? Are you safe? How’s the weather there? Last night he sent me a message and told me that Friday I was perfect in more ways than one, and that he had never done that with anyone before and that he kind of loved it. He thanked me again and told me that I made him feel so good. He told me how pretty I am, and asked what I was going today. He says he’a going to knit me a hat. Point is, I don’t know if I’m paranoid, but the messages have changed, he’s not being dirty or super funny, they’re just different. We are still talking a lot, but I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to think about his kids comment, or the idea that he’s considering settling down which I never thought he would do. The man would be the perfect man for me if he settled. What should I do? He’s new to the idea of commitment and marriage, I don’t want to scare him. But we used to talk so much I dont want to stop, but I don’t want him to think I’m psycho in love either. Is he not into me anymore because he hasn’t texted quite as much, and doesnt incessantly ask me for pics? And yes I realize he was working and driving and visiting other people. It’s just that he’s my best friend and I think i would love it if we were together because we are basically the same person. But I don’t know where boundary lines are anymore, or if I should persue or back off. Help please, and thanks for reading if you did.

  8. @Not sure what to do……Could you please condense this? Important facts, etc.

  9. Not sure what to do // February 28, 2013 at 1:21 pm //

    Wow you guys really are fast. Umm, I’m not sure how to condense it, because it’s all important. Alright Main points. I met best friend seven years ago on an international mission trip. We liked each other a lot, but my other friend new and liked him first so I backed off so she could persue him. We all moved back to the states, he lives two states away from me now. He never liked the friend just me. I never thought he was serious enough to commit to anything, so I dated another man and got engaged for off and on four years. I Maintained best friend status through texting and calling the last seven years. My fiancée got jealous of our relationshiP so I had to back off. Throughout this whole process my best friend traveled the world and never really settled roots down anywhere. He’s never had a girlfriend and maintained his virginity until 26 yrs old ( we are both Christian, tried saving ourselves ) the best friend has dropped hints over the last six years that I’m the only one he’s ever considered marrying. I broke up with my fiancée. He believed I belonged with my best friend after seeing the way he looks at me in person. In seven years the best friend has driven to see me multiple times. We’ve never kissed or anythinh though he’s tried. For the first time ever things have changed and I’m single too. Weve been flirting mercilessly for months. He was in the car an hit by a drunk driver at a stoPlight and I was on the phone with him, and it was a life changing moment. He was so appreciative that I was with him throughey he whole thing, told me how much I meant to him. He wanted me to take a train to the city and take me ice skating. The point is this past Friday he surprised me and showed up. We met and he basically said he couldn’t do anything sexually with me and still be the man he believes himself to be because he loves and respects me, and he couldnt taint what we have by doing anything in a hotel. He wanted it to be special like on the Island where we first met if it happened. He was sad and embarrassed but I told him I was proud. He gave me our
    First kiss, and we made out and fooled around for like 12 hours. Fell asleep and he randomly woke up and asked me how many kids I wanted. Then basically said he doesn’t want to wait too long to start a family. Like the next three years, told me he wants like two boys and a girl. ( this man has never indicated he will ever be ready to settle down so
    My mind is blown, also that he asked me how many I wanted and when led me to believe he’s interested.) we spent the next day together then he visited other people and drove ten hours home, so his messages are sporadic. He did text me this week and thanked me for the wonderful time, he said I was perfect in more ways than one and he’ll never forget being in my arms, always and forever. We still text all the time but I feel like things are slightly different. More serious. I would love to be with this man, he’s basically me only in male form. I don’t want to scare him, but I’m interested from a guys perspective. What should I do. He’s suddenly had this change of heart but he’s still always been that guy who may never get married. I am the only girl he’s talking up FYI if that makes a difference.

  10. @Not sure what to do……Well, don’t freak out. Things have ramped up a little and now you’re going to have to see how they play out. The ball is in his court. Although the two of you are in different states right? That makes things a little more difficult, but certainly not insurmountable at all. Has there been talk of another get together? One more point: Just because he seems like the guy’s who’s always going to be single doesn’t mean he’ll always be that guy. If he was ten years older we might be concerned, but guys don’t usually hit their stride til their late 20s. That’s when they might truly be ready to consider a long-term relationship. Keep us posted and try to be patient. You’ve already waited a long time, so you can wait a little bit longer. Our best advice: Be yourself. Trust your gut.

  11. I have this guy friend who im really close with. I can talk to him about anything and everything, and he can do the same with me. We have worked together for the past 2 years but it wasnt until a little over a year ago that we were both out with friends at the bar and actually started talking. We spent the whole weekend together and it was fun, there were no commitments or anything of that nature because I was casually seeing someone else at the time, and I later found out he was dating someone. Even with knowing that about eachother we still continued seeing eachother when it was conveinent. Well as the months went by him and his gf broke up and the guy i had been seeing kept breaking it off and getting back together, was a vicious cycle really. Around the time of my birthday I found out I was pregnant, and my friend was there for me through everything, more so than the father. Well I ended up having a miscarriage and things in my life just seemed to spiral downhill from there but I could still always count on my friend. Lately he has also been going through a lot but hes the ‘typical’ guy so to say and is not very good at expressing his emotions. We always spend time together, have movie nights just relax and enjoy eachothers company. Things have progressed between us, in the beginning it didnt bother either one of us what the other did or with who but now we both tend to get jealous when it comes to others in the picture. Last night when he spent the night we had some real heart to heart talks, but it wasnt till we were laying in bed that things started to make me think a little bit more. For being a girl i dont like to cuddle, but he held me in his arms all night long and it was really comforting, he was just all around being very romantic. He has made comments before to me that I need to stop bothering with anybody else and be just his, but now I really dont know what to do. I care about him a great deal both as a friend and as more, but im unsure of how to bring it up to him in a conversation…

  12. @Tera……..It’s hard to say where his head’s at. At some point you’re going to have to just bring it up. But if you do, do it away from the apartment and bedroom. Talk to him during the day—coffee, lunch, tea, on a walk. Just ask him where he stands on everything. And go from there. Sure, there are no guarantees. And maybe you’re not quite ready to do it. But we imagine sooner or later you’re going to want to know. You’ll know when the time is right. Good luck.

  13. A bit young // March 5, 2013 at 12:44 am //

    I don’t know if I can ask questions here too, but I’m 16 turning 17 and I have liked the same guy for a couple of months now. The problem is I’m not sure what he’s thinking. I don’t speak “boy”. We text everyday, and if one of our phones is messed up we talk online. Even durring a class or free period he send me a text (sometimes we’re in the same room) Do guys talk to certain girls a lot literally everyday, if they just feel like friends? And why would he feel like sending me a response over text is better than just telling me to my face, if we are in the same room? Oh and this has been going on for around 3-4 months. I’ve asked another guy and he say thats he’s probably in to me but I want another opinion

  14. @A bit young……You’re not too young. We get questions from people younger than yourself. We love to text just like everyone else, but we still don’t understand why people choose to text rather than talk face-to-face. Is it about comfort? Maybe we’re of a different generation and missed it. It still seems a bit immature that he would text you while in the same room but not try to talk with you. Our best guess is that he’s into you but doesn’t know how to take it to the next level. So tell us. What would that next level actually be if you don’t mind us asking? Lunch? Movies? Hang out? Coffee? A walk? Going to a game? What?

  15. A bit young // March 5, 2013 at 1:30 pm //

    @One of the Guys
    We used to talk faced to face but that was only because we had class together, his friends, now, are always with him, and I feel uncomfortable talking to him with Them there. It’s not so much what we say its how we act while talking. Usually he would “bother” me when we are around our friends. Like you’re playing around with them, so that’s how everyone sees us. When it’s just me and him we are much nicer. You know, people like to tease their friend when that happens (I tell my friends and they do tease me about it) but, I have a problem with feeling like everyone is ganging on me with things like that.
    But now I have a different problem. Today I found out he had gotten upset a friend because she was “leading him on”. I am so confused now, because he told me that he didn’t like her. Then again he flirts with her, and she is always against it. I used to think that he was joking (because he told him at least 2x he didn’t like her) but, now I’m not sure. I was going to ask what was going on indirectly (like say, why were you acting weird in school?) to see if he was actually serious about her, or if it was him playing around like I thought.

  16. @A bit young………It sounds like you may be in the “friend zone” if he’s hitting on other girls, or getting upset that other girls are leading him on. You’re going to just have to see how this plays out. He sounds a bit “all over the place.” (Like most guys his age.)

  17. A bit young // March 5, 2013 at 5:16 pm //

    @One of the Guys I think you right, thanks though, I haven’t really been able to talk to someone about this. There’ll be other guys.=)

  18. I’ve been in a friends with benefits relationship for about a month. I hooked up with the guy I’m in this relationship with a week ago, and he’s been very distant since. He used to talk to me all the time and he’d usually want to hook up 3-4 times a week. But since we hooked up last week, he hasn’t texted me at all and the one time I saw him, he was kind of a jerk. I don’t know what changed. Any ideas?

  19. @Vicki….Yes. He got what he wanted and now he’s off to the next conquest. We’re sorry. Move on.

  20. Elizabeth // March 31, 2013 at 7:20 pm //

    So, can I make this brief? We’ll see. Ha!

    I am in my 40’s, was divorced 3 years ago with an 11 year old son. I was married 9 years. The man I’m seeing is in his 40’s, but younger, and was divorced about 8 years ago. He was married 6 years.

    Was dating and having sex with this man for about 1 1/2 years. Nothing serious. But then we started a company together. The learning curve was very difficult and there were many times he didn’t meet my work expectations. Huge strain. At the same time, he also started his own business. We were both swamped with work and the stress. But, we’re both achieving our life’s goal and that’s awesome.

    He then takes on a girlfriend in another city. Although it hurt a little, it was good because not dating finally gave us a chance to become wonderful friends. He told me the gf is perfect because she is in another town. That way he only has to deal with her every 2 weeks or so. However, that fantasy soon dissolved as she began with her demands, jealousy, then threats, then cruel criticisms. He crumbled and finally they broke up. It was ugly, and he told me everything and was completely vulnerable with me.

    About a month later, we decided to do friends with benefits and it has suited us both for 5 months. We planned it so that we got together very 2 weeks. Usually he stayed over.

    But recently, things have begun to change. He asked me to go to a movie, but then that fell through. When I got sick, he brought me flowers. He began doing his laundry at my house and farting in my bed while we laughed. And then we would both wake up around 5am, unable to go back to sleep until we had talked in the dark about things such as cheese making and metalurgy. He then tells me we argue well together (ie no high emotions, name calling etc.)

    About a month ago, I said we would be fantastic together and he said yes we would, but that he still has reservations about me. And I him.

    Then 2 weeks ago, we spent an entire weekend together, yet never had sex. Instead we hung out and watched a movie, then cuddled all night. We even went to one of his gigs together (his 3rd job is he’s a musician). It was the most wonderful, effortless continuous period of time I have ever sent with him. He agreed that it was wonderful.
    However, when I saw him Monday morning when he came to drop off his dog, I tried to kiss him and got his cheek. To me, it was a nice way to end the wekend, but I knew something was off.

    After a small argument later in the day, he explained he was already in work mode, which I get. But then he later told me he thinks I think we’re moving toward a relationship. I just told him it was the first time I had completely relaxed with him, that’s all. The next day after our kiss argument, he calls and says he’s been thinking all day how to make me happy…how to validate my feelings. So we talked. And finally, for the first time, he listened to some of my reservations and we cleared the air. He also told me he has a deep emotional connection with me and that’s important to him.

    So, that was 2 weeks ago. We’ve kind of minimized our contact. Then Friday he called to talk, but I told him I was going out with a friend. He seemed put off. The next day he called and we talked. He asked how my evening was. I told him about the guy…that it was my best friend from grad school. He asked if the guy was married and I said yes. His tone of voice relaxed and then he asked if we could go see a movie Sunday (which is today). So we saw the movie, that was it and we parted. However, before leaving he said he wanted to come videotaped me this Saturday while gave a lecture. He’s going to have my son assist him.

    So…I’m not sure what’s going on or what to do or say. Are we still just friends with benefits, even though we’re not doing the benefits part right now? Any advice? Kind of hard to tell with all the work we’re both trying to do in such a short time. I was thinking of telling him I can’t do anymore meaningless sex and that maybe we should try dating for real, without sex, to see what happens.

  21. @Elizabeth…..Our initial reaction is that he’s still conflicted. FWB seems to suit his emotional lifestyle well. But once things began to change—yes, he was part of this change—he began to reconsider what he wants. Basically FWB doesn’t work. Usually it’s the woman who ends up feeling cheap and then resentful, but in this case, he may feel the same way. Why don’t you let him initiate this moving forward and then see what happens? But in the meantime cool it with the sex. That’s only going to complicate things. See how it progresses without jumping in the sack, almost like you’re starting over and beginning to date. It’s hard for us to say exactly what he wants, but he’s acting like a guy who is unsure. And it might be quite a while before he figures it all out. Are you ready to be dragged through the emotional mud?

  22. Elizabeth // April 1, 2013 at 12:52 pm //

    Thank you guys for your keen insight. I will let him instigate things. And I know I will begin to resent the situation if we continue to have meaningless sex. That would destroy our frindship, and that’s no bueno! As for the emotional dragging, I feel it every now and then, but I’m so happy with my life (even if stressed) that it’s not driving my emotions. I’m what you would call emotionally mature. Until it’s my time of the month that is. My son now knows and just asks, mom, are you on your period? And he pats my arm, smiles and walks away. lol

  23. @Elizabeth…..YOu’re welcome. Keep us posted and take care.

  24. I recently started chatting with a friend from sch

  25. A few months ago I started chatting on the internet with a guy i hadn’t seen for 20 years. After a few weeks we decided to meet up and started doing so twice a week. I quickly began to develop feelings for him and basically told him so. At the time he was open about the fact that he was still getting over a breakup and was not looking for a relationship but found me attractive and would consider fwb if I was interested in that. I told him I was looking for a serious relationship and would not consider anything less. We continued to hang out, watching movies, eating out and visiting places together. After 2 months of this he told me that he wanted to take things further and we threw ourselves straight into ‘a relationship’ things were great, I was really happy, he seemed really happy, we met each others friends and families, stayed together a few nights a week plus weekends and just generally had a great time. After 6 weeks he backed off, said he had started thinking about his ex, wasn’t ready for a relationship ‘at the moment’ and didn’t think it was fair to continue what we were doing as he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t still feel the same in a few months. He asked if we could be friends and see if anything happens in the future. I was devastated, tried not to show this too much and told him I didn’t think I could be his friend. After a few weeks no contact we got together and started hanging out again, then a few weeks later he ended up staying over. I seem to have ended up in a fwb situation although it is precisely what I said I didn’t want at the beginning. We haven’t discussed any of this since the initial ‘break up’ we have just been hanging out as we were before, I need to find out if he considers us ‘just friends’ or more but I’m frightened that he will run again if I bring up the subject. Is there a way I can put this across without it seeming like an ultimatum or is that the only way to find out?

  26. @Sophie…..You’re in a friends with benefits arrangement. And that was his goal from the very beginning. Meaning, a guy knows what potential he sees in the woman from the very start. He knew. The fact that he suggested FWB was a red-flag right from the start. That’s how he sees you. That’s how he saw you from the beginning. Our suggestion: Move on. This is going nowhere. Sorry. You deserve better. You deserve to have someone who loves you and respects you the way you love and respect them. Don’t accept less.

  27. i just turned 18 and i was a virgin when i first started working as a waitress, and i started talking to one of the bartenders at work and he is really really attractive like probably the hottest person ive ever seen, or one of. then one night he wanted to hangout after work and we went to his house to drink and i was on his bed about to sleep when he made the moves and we did it, and it was my first time, we started doing it on the weekends a bit after that but i have like absolutely no feelings for him.. i dont like him at all i just find him attractive. im sure he does too and doesnt like me even though he gets really cheesy and kissy and all that and also gets jealous when i talk to other guys, but hes 12 years older than me and i got what i wanted and dont want to have sex with him anymore cause i dont see the point..its not fullfilling anymore and hes such an obvious player! so i want to stop doing it with him after work on the weekends but how do i break it off? i still want to be friends with him…but i also want him to miss fucking me.. like tease him or something i want him to suffer a little bit lol so how should i go about doing that? i feel guilty for losing my virginity to someone who i dont like or have feelings a piece of meat or something 🙁

  28. @Nohemi…..First of all, stop beating yourself up. Things happen. We learn from them and move on. Maybe women feel the way you do about their first time. Think about it. The first time is almost always going to be a letdown no matter how it happens. To your question: How do you stop? You just stop. If you can’t do that maybe you need to find a different place to waitress at. And we can guarantee that he’ll miss you even if he pretends he doesn’t.

  29. I met this guy a month or so ago, we have been hanging out almost everyday since we met, we hooked up a few times (but we haven’t had sex yet) anyways we went away on the weekend, the 1st night when we went to bed he was really touchy feely and wanted to hook up and all that. The next day everything changed, we still see each other but we don’t kiss or anything it’s like we just all of a sudden transformed into friends.. He still calls me and and wants to hang out but there’s no passion, and I think it’s because I got a bit freaked and pulled back a bit.. Any ideas any one? This is a confusing little situation.

  30. @Goofs….So did you hook up? Because if so this is a classic case of a guy who wants only sex. Once he got that he’s not interested. But once he gets horny again he’ll be back to confuse you some more. It’s a pattern.

  31. Hey guys, sorry but I’m really confused and would love any advice that you could offer. I have a best guy friend who I got really close to last year (we’d stay up talking for hours and shared more than we’ve shared with anyone else). But towards the beginning of when we started getting close, I started going out with another friend of ours (a very close friend of his). About 2 months ago, My best friend and I kissed and he told me that he’d really liked me since we first became close and that seeing me with my then-boyfriend made him jealous. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend about a week later because I knew I felt the same way and he’s going abroad in a few weeks but after that it was a bit weird between me and my friend. When we go out with a group of friends and get tipsy, we automatically get touchy-feely with each other and hold hands but other than that we spend hardly any time together anymore, whereas we used to have really good chats at least twice a week. A couple of days ago we ended up going out for supper and a couple of drinks with another friend and somehow I ended up going back to my friend’s house. Having been slightly awkward with each other ever since we’d kissed, we ended up sleeping together and he told me again that he’d liked me for ages and that I was the only person he could properly talk to. Anyway, this sounds all “cut and dried” but this is where it gets really confusing. The next morning when I woke up, he wasn’t next to me and had left at some point in the night to sleep in a friend’s room (who wasn’t there at that point)… so that made it really awkward when it came to leaving the house and trying not to look like I was sneaking out because I had to make a point of going in to wake him up and say goodbye! Since then we haven’t spoken, apart from me trying to make one funny “awkward silence”-breaker (which he did reply to but in a very “short and sweet” way)… I’m completely confused about what’s really going on here! He’s a really sweet guy and would never be an arsehole deliberately but he’s sending such mixed messages… I know he used to like me a lot when we first started getting close but I don’t know if he’s now just capitalising on the fact that it’s clearly obvious that I like him… Does he actually like me or am I being played for a naive idiot? Sorry for the ramble guys but this is really getting me down – especially as he is (or was) one of my closest friends and I honestly thought he meant everything he said (Ha – he even said he meant everything he’d said!) but now I’m not so sure… Any thoughts would be really helpful, Charlie

  32. Being Still // April 19, 2013 at 9:02 am //

    I met my best friend 6 years ago. He was getting a divorce, bad divorce (cheating wife), lost custody of his son who was 7 at the time. We talked every day on the phone and at work and after about 4 months became intimate. It got too uncomfortable for him, we had a falling out and we didn’t speak for about six months. He became emotionally involved with a married woman, sexually involved with another woman in our office and was talking to me about everything again. I’m an insecure person, I grew up with parents that have had multiple divorces, I was abused so trust for me is difficult. We began our “friends with benefits” in 2009. Even though I had already fallen in love with him I made sure to cover those feelings up and enjoy what we had because he was also my best friend. We played video games, went to movies, I would spend the night. Several times he’s met other women, we’d break it off – it would last a week or two and he’d be right back with me. In 2011 I met someone and fearing that my friend and I would never work out I gave it a try. My friend text me ALL the time, even when he knew I was on a date. Of course, I was in love with my friend so the dating lasted just a short time then I was back with my friend. He then met someone about a month later, he really thought he was compatible with, it was very very hard on me but I wished him the best and kept my distance so he might have a chance to make it work. We didn’t speak for almost a month, but then he was texting and talking to me again, said that he couldn’t get past the guilty feeling he had for being with another woman. We started hanging out again, he had since had a guy roommate move in and opened up on his own and told his roommate about me. I spent the night about once a week, it was very comfortable and content for us both. I live in a town that is an hour away but we worked together, I was offered another job in my town, he asked me not to go. I was offered another job in his town and he encouraged me to take it… I did, and two months after he too took on a job at this company. It’s been two years and two months ago he left me again for another woman. It lasted three dates before he ran back to me apologizing and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Said he was afraid of losing me, that he “f-ed” up and realized he would be losing the best thing he ever had. I agreed to be his girlfriend. In the meantime,he’s taken in his son, filing for custody and reverse of child support and found out his xwife has moved out of state without telling their son who she’s had for the last 4 years. He had told me a week after asking me to be his gf that he thought I was the greatest woman he could ever find but it wasn’t fair to me because he wasn’t “in love” with me. I asked what he wanted to do and he said “i want to fall in love with you and everything be okay”. So I waited… He stopped talking to me. Three weeks of little to no conversation, no video games, no movies, no texting after work, no messaging while at work and when I asked him a month later if he missed me, he shook his head sadly and said “no”. So I told him our relationship was over. Our friends were shocked, they all believed it would work out for us… did I make a mistake?

  33. @Being Still…….Absolutely not. He’s not in love with you and has been stringing you along for years. You did the right thing. It’s time to move on. This relationship was a dead end from the beginning. He wanted to be in love with you, maybe even tried to be in love with you, but for some reason wasn’t. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you the way you love and respect them. And believe us, those guys are out there. It’s time to also put yourself out there as well. Good for you for having the strength to finally break it off. But a word of warning: He’ll be back, begging again for another chance. But it will much of the same. Will you have the strength to resist then? We hope so. Take care.

  34. Being Still // April 19, 2013 at 11:25 am //

    Thank you, I don’t feel guilty for my decision anymore. I’ve spent years of loving him unconditionally, surprising him with gifts that he would mention he would like to have, remaining silent when my feelings were hurt and waiting for him to be there when I needed him wondering what it was I was doing wrong. I don’t crowd him, I don’t ask for much in return at all… I just wanted to be loved. I will continue to be strong. Thanks again.

  35. @Being Still….You’re welcome. Take care. And keep in touch and let us know how things are.

  36. I met this guy basically because he was coming to my country on vacations and when I saw he posted a comment saying he wanted to meet people to show him particular places where no tours were done, I just warned him to be careful and then we kept talking.
    He was here for over a month, he asked me to go visit him at the beach but hell I wasn’t going to visit someone I didn’t know, so I made all kind of excuses why I couldn’t go. In the end he told me he would change his reservation on the first night only if I was going to meet him. I agreed and I met him at his hotel, so I arrived at 5pm and left at 12:30am, we went from the bar to the restaurant to have dinner and then to the bar again. He kissed me and asked if I had to go home which I said yes because I had to work in the morning but even if I didn’t have to work I wouldn’t have stayed! He called a few minutes after to make sure I made it safe at home and apologized for trying to get me in his bed.
    Since that day, he kept calling me everyday and we talked for an hour or two. Then he again asked me if I would want to go visit him, that he had an extra room with a lock if that would make me feel safe lol.
    So I went and we hanged out from Friday to Monday, we went to the beach, and spent a lot of time together. We slept together because the other room he mentioned didn’t have air conditioner so he said he would sleep there and give me his room but I didn’t want him to do that so we just slept and kissed and touched each other but didn’t have sex. I’m divorced but long story short, almost virgin and well I told him the whole story when I met him the first time, just as he told me about his life. Anyway we were like that the 3 days I was there, well I did give him a bj on Sunday and then Monday I was leaving in the afternoon, so in the morning we tried to have sex but I couldn’t, I felt so frustrated I started crying and he hugged me and told me not to cry that it was fine and that maybe we could try later on, so we did right before I was leaving, now this time it worked but it hurt me the whole time, he asked me to relax and also if I wanted him to stop but I said no. Then he took me to the bus stop and said he wanted to see me again before he left. He paid for everything while I was there so I hide money on his camera case and told him but he got a bit mad, he said I had to let him spoil me.
    I came back home and he kept calling everyday just like before, which I was afraid he wasn’t since we had sex. Two weeks after there I was going back to see him again for the weekend.
    I arrived and we went out for dinner, then back to the apartment and well we had sex again, this time was way better, it didn’t hurt as much as before. Then we cuddle and we went to sleep.
    The day after at night, he cooked for me, he didn’t want me to do dishes, but if he cooked, it was fair to me to do dishes. Everything he did was delicious! Then we watched tv for a while and went to bed, didn’t have sex but pleased each other.
    I was leaving Sunday afternoon again so we went to the beach for a while and then came back to get ready. He told me not to get any bottoms that he would take care of me before I left and not to worry about him. Once again he told me he wanted to see me before he left and when I got home he told me he had hidden the money I left him last time on my suitcase.
    As usual we kept talking daily, then the next weekend he was coming to a closer beach and I couldn’t take off from work because I had to be there for the month end close, as it was April 1st, so my crazy little head figured to go meet him Sunday and leave Monday at 5am to be at work on time by 8 and so I did. We walked along the town, he hold my hand and he told me I wasn’t allowed to like anyone else lol. I gave him a couple shirts I got him and some sculpture and later he got me some earings and a pendant.
    That weekend he was sick of his tummy, so I took care of him the day I was there, when I was leaving at 5am, he told me he was walking with me and I asked him to stay in bed because he was sick and I just had to get out of the hotel, cross the street and the bus stop was right there, so there was no need to but he got up, got dressed and walked me which I think was very nice of him.
    I saw him again the day before he was leaving and spent the night with him at the hotel I found for him near the airport. I paid for the hotel and dinner that night and at first he was upset but then said nobody ever did that for him and it felt awesome.
    Now he is gone, and I thought maybe I wasn’t going to hear from him again but just like before, we have been talking everyday since he left on skype.
    We don’t have a bf/gf relationship but I did tell him that if he wanted to go out with anyone to at least tell me because I don’t share! And also told him I didn’t want to be his toy when he comes here but he said he liked me and wanted me to go visit him. His idea is to move here so what do you think? By the way I’m 30 and he is 42 but doesn’t look like he is 42!

  37. @Paolo…..If he’s already talking about moving to your country that sounds like he’s interested in having you as more than just a toy. That said, just be patient. Let this unfold naturally. The long distance component makes it a little bit harder, and can add more stress to the situation. But right now it’s too early to tell what’s going on.

  38. Thanks for your reply, however he wanted to move here way before he met me, so it’s not like he is doing it because of me.

  39. So, my bf and I were dating for about 4 months. I ended up telling him that I wasn’t getting what I needed from the relationship because he wouldn’t actually TELL me he liked me. I turned into a complete girl. We agreed to be friends with no hard feelings. Now, a few weeks later we are talking again, but like a FWB thing. We’re in our 35’s, both divorced, both with kids- both scared. I have feelings for him. But I could do FWB, for awhile, not sure what my feelings will do. He’s talking about dinner and over nights too, not just hump and dump. Advice?

  40. @Sally…..If he’s suggesting FWB then he’s not looking to get into a serious relationship. Which also means it’s unlikely it will morph into a serious relationship. So if you’re okay with that, go with the flow. If you’re accepting FWB hoping something will develop then you’re entering “risky” territory, at least from an emotional standpoint, because it’s unlikely. You should read some of the other comments, etc. on this forum and others on our site. Take care and good luck.

  41. Being Still // April 30, 2013 at 9:53 am //

    hey guys, it’s been almost two weeks since i wrote about my situation and i’ve worked very hard at sticking to my decision to walk away from relationship with my friend. it’s been very hard being without the companionship of my friend, going to movies, playing video games and just general joking and laughing about the tasks of the day, but the weight of his indecisiveness about making a commitment to me is gone and it’s been a welcomed relief. admittingly i never liked being just a “friend with benefits”, i was ashamed of myself for a long time but since he was the only person i was with and he wasn’t seeing anyone else i thought he would eventually see me for the wonderful, caring woman i am… he would fall in love with me too. he still barely speaks to me, i don’t presume to understand why or how you can tell someone that you care about them and they are your best friend and then treat them as if they don’t exist… but being the caring woman that i am… i remain constant. love is unconditional, i have given that to him… i have shown him that it is possible despite what he has encountered in the past. i have started looking for work back in my home town (1,500 miles away). i moved to where i am 9 years ago, i have no family here and he was pretty much the only friend i would talk to all the time, now it feels empty being here. as he was my best friend i did tell him, but he’s found comfort in the distance he’s put between us so i do believe it’s truly over. i will miss him so much, but i think it will be what’s best for both of us. thank you for listening. wish me luck and pray my greatness comes soon. being still.

  42. Anonymous girl // April 30, 2013 at 11:06 pm //

    I don’t need a relationship just because I’m a girl. I don’t even believe in love anymore. I wish I had an fwb exclusive arrangement with some good guy and that’s about it.

  43. I’m confused! Let me explain “why” (I apologize in advance because this is gonna be lengthy!)…
    I AM 1 of the “few & far between” chicks mentioned @ the end of this article. I’m usually considered one of the guys. I can cus like a sailor, laugh and talk just as much crap as the next guy, and I don’t get offended easily. Because of things in my past, I don’t associate sex with love/emotions. I don’t have to “love” him to do it… nor do I have to want a relationship w/him (a simple attraction will suffice). I don’t always wanna “cuddle” afterwards and unless we have a previous arrangement I don’t want to wake up and find my “FWB” beside me in the morning. But, beneath all of this awesomeness, I am still a chick. I’m not a smokin’ hot model type… but I’m not fugly either (not to sound vain but), I’m asked out quite a bit. I’m also a single mom with little to no time for anything remotely close to a relationship, so (all of that being said…) I made the command decision to blow the dust off of my goodies and recruit myself a FWB. It’s been a looong time and I believe some touch may do me good. After months of pondering, I selected a suitable candidate and placed the offer on the table. He’s also a single parent (a very involved w/his kids one at that) who lives 30 mins away from me and a hard worker and our schedules sometimes conflict quite a bit. We’ll call him C. I sent C a text and simply put every card on the table. C was completely shocked- but eager.
    *Yay!!!* right?!
    Not so fast…
    We laid out the ground rules. All seemed to be great! Then C started to mention “what if someone gets feelings?” and I QUICKLY responded with “we’d end it if it’s not mutual or cross that bridge/persue it if it is” and he agreed. Then I presented the 1st potential “opportunity”. C said he’d get back w/me. Well, we’ve spoken and texted (every day) and even seen each other since then (briefly in public)… but C claims he still “doesn’t know” if this date/time is going to work. I’ve countered w/other dates/times and was told flat out these don’t work. I feel like I’m nagging if I keep offering dates/times, but at the same time I’m ready to get beneficial! I mean isn’t that the point?! I’m torn on the thought of throwing this one back and casting my line into the sea again… Any advice?!

  44. @Anonymous Girl……….It has nothing to do with being a woman or a man. Friends with Benefits often start with good intentions, but they usually end up with somebody getting hurt.

  45. @Being Still…….Thank you for keeping us posted. We’re sorry that you’re feeling sad and isolated, but glad that you’re seeing that it’s time to move on. We don’t doubt you’ll figure this all out. Be patient with yourself and take it a step at a time. Take care of yourself. Let us know how you’re doing.

  46. @Renee……Well, you seem to have put a lot of thought into this. But now the ball is in his court. Let him initiate. If he doesn’t, it might be time to look for another candidate. He seems a bit wary, don’t you think? Because most guys would be jumping at the opportunity. Unless he thinks you’re being too logical, and he’s wondering about that, and so, he doesn’t want to get involved with something that turns into a mess.

  47. Reneé // May 1, 2013 at 8:43 am //

    Right?! Dude, that’s what I said! And he appeared to be all about it (I got a “holy shit! Really?!” (the shock I told you about), “Hell yeah! This’ll be a good thing, I’ve been curious since we met” & an “I’m flattered!” so wouldn’t one kinda have to somewhat believe he’s all about it?
    He “fell” for his last FWB (she was married & used him for “revenge”- which backfired on C), and so I’m wondering if he’s prepping himself for my “numbness” on the situation. I’m also hoping that he can keep this strictly sex.
    You’re right, I have pondered this throughly (is that a bad thing?). I’m super selective about who I “lay down with” (hey- there are diseases out there!). I agree that I may be being a bit logical, but as a mom, I feel like even though this is for “shits n’ giggles” I need to make sure I don’t sleep w/a “psycho” and that he (whoever “he” is/ends up being) & I are on the same page (& hopefully remain on the same page).
    Hopefully it’s not “back to the drawing board” because C & I have got some pretty intense sexual chemsitry and I’m quite confident (and he’s said this to me as well) that this would be FUN! But like you said, “the ball’s in his court”. All I can do is sit back and take it as it comes (no pun intended. Hahahahahaha!).

  48. @Renee…..Definitely keep us posted. And good luck.

  49. @OneOfTheGuys Will do gents! Thanks for the luck 🙂

  50. Anonymous girl // May 4, 2013 at 11:45 am //

    @TheGuys Thanks. : ) What I meant is I don’t think every single fwb is doomed from the start. I somehow have faith in the fwb “rules”. The thing is most people agree to have an fwb arrangement even though they want something else from that person or in general.

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