I want my ex-husband back

Dear Guys,

I am still in love with my ex-husband but I am getting mixed emotions from him. A little background first. My now ex-husband and I met five years ago and we have been together for four years and were married for three years. We both have children from previous relationships and do not have any kids together.

In February we got into an argument and it got heated to the point of him wanting a divorce. So he filed for divorce and I struggled through everything. I never wanted the divorce, but agreed to make him happy. In April I received a random text messages from him and he has been texting me everyday since. I have told him that I want him back. He says he only wants to be friends. So I told him that I couldn’t come see him anymore and that I had to move on with my life. So I didn’t talk to him for about three days and he text me again randomly telling me that he wished things could be different between us, and that he cares about me and has feelings for me and he really wants us to get back together.

But there is one small problem. He doesn’t want the responsibility of more kids. He doesn’t want my kids or his kids involved with other people. That is a problem because all of our children are small. He wants me to move in with him and us live together and enjoy life together. We have hung out just the two of us and things were great. I have spent the night with him and it was amazing. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me without me doing anything. I am so confused. I want to be with him so badly but at the same time I love my kids and can’t leave them behind.

Can anyone give me some advice?

Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Thanks for your question.

Relationships are complex. And when you add kids into the mix things can get even more complicated, especially when a couple has never really had time to have a relationship separate from the kids. But the thing is Kayla, your kids are part of you. They can’t be separated. The two of you can dream all you want about how it might be just the two of you, but the fact of the matter is, you both have kids, and you both know your kids are your first priority. Good for you.

If he really doesn’t want the extra responsibility of more kids, but he truly loves you and wants to be with you, why can’t the two of you just have a serious and committed relationship but don’t live together? There are a growing number of married couples that have separate abodes because of their job situation, or so they can have their own space. You could talk during the week, maybe see each other one weekday night, and then spend weekends together. Or some other arrangement. Maybe it’s not the typical marital arrangement, but it can work if the two of you are committed to making it work. And maybe you could have a mutual goal, where you keep this arrangement until the kids are a bit older and then you reevaluate your living situation at that time.

There are no rules here. The two of you can figure out a plan that works best for you and your families. But the bottom line is, your kids come first. His kids come first. As long as that’s clear for both of you, then we’re confident you’ll come up with a workable solution.

Finally, if he’s not willing to try whatever it takes to be with you, then maybe he’s not the right guy for you. He should be putting as much effort into coming up with a solution as you are. Please be aware of this and keep your eyes open. If he’s not, you’re just going to become resentful of him. And that won’t bode well for your relationship and the future.

Good luck and please keep us posted as this progresses. Also, feel free to leave us a follow up comment with your thoughts. And/or a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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35 Comments on I want my ex-husband back

  1. Dear Guys,

    Just over 10 months ago my husband and I had a massive arguement and I shouted that I wanted a divorce and for him to get out. At the time I meant it but really they were just words said in the heat of the moment. He left the house like I asked and came back a couple of days later and as he didn’t apologise I blew up at him again and told him to go again. He then went to his brothers and wallowed for a few weeks, not paying bills, leaving me with our 7 month old baby and making me worried out of my mind about where he was and what was going on.

    The arguement had really stemmed from me needing more help with the baby. I was exhausted and not coping and felt he was leaving me and not being the support I desperately needed.

    He met a girl and she was a friend and someone to talk to but she developed obsessive feeling for him and has told me they were together and he says it is not true. Now I found out she has been on anti-psychotic drugs and I think he may have been telling the truth about her imagining a relationship and not being able to handle being with him romantically.

    In the ten months of being apart, we have been on the brink of coming back together several times and it has been obvious that he still loves me and I still love him. I have a short fuse and handled the arguements badly by being insulting and we have both flung insults at each other and been hurtful. He has hardly seen our daughter in 10 months and when he does it has always been me who has invited him to see her.

    He said in the past that he didn’t believe I loved him after the argument and that when I said it it just felt like words. He has also at certain times said that he had made a mistake not coming back and that he misses me. Then a few months later he says it is irretrievable. There is so much hurt and anger and pain between us and rather than talk it out he hangs up the phone and ignores me. When I say that I have no choice to move on if he doesn’t love me then he gets angry and hostile. When I mentioned that another man was interested in me he called me a slut and got really angry. It has been 10 months. So much has happened. We have been awful to each other and said nasty things and I don’t think he will forgive me even though I forgive him. Do you think it is best to cut off all contact with him and to let him see what things are like with no communication from me at all? I don’t know what to do as even though he has said and done nasty things, ultimately I love him and I am struggling to get over him. I know that he loves me but seems to be set on convincing himself that he doesn’t. When he sees me I know that he struggles not to touch me and sometimes gets visibly upset.

    I no longer know what to do as I feel I have handled this so badly and messed everything up with fighting and bad behaviour. Telling him I love him seems to do nothing now as he only remembers the bad stuff and not the good stuff. We were crazy about each other. How could it go so wrong?

  2. @Sophia…..We’re very sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. We never like to see couples/families struggling. Hopefully we can help a little. First of all, the two of you need to clear your heads a bit. Our sense is, you’d both like to figure this out, but you’re both in defensive mode, which means almost anything sets you off. And once one of you gets upset, both of you start exchanging hurtful words that are not constructive. And as you know this only perpetuates the cycle of negativity and anger. You both need some space, not as a punishment to him or you, but just as a way to give yourselves time to breathe and reflect. If he won’t listen to you when you try to talk with him why don’t you write him a letter? Yes, an honest letter from the heart—written by hand, and sent snail mail or put in his mailbox—that tells him how you feel about him, the relationship, and tells him that you’re sorry for all the hurtful things you’ve said/done and that you truly love him and want to try again. In order to do this, you need to set your ego aside Sophia. You see, you’re feeling hurt and angry. And the minute he doesn’t respond well to your attempts at discussing the relationship, you immediately go back into defensive mode. You have to stop that. (He does too of course.) But you can’t control what he does, only what you do. Why don’t you start with the letter and see how that goes? What do you think? Remember, this is just a start. The two of you have a long road back, but you can do it if you’re both willing to give a little—okay, maybe a lot—and do everything you can to work at coming to a better understanding. (You might want to consider professional counseling. ) But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. What do you think about all of this? ps. This is the form part of each comment. Feel free to ask us another question or a follow up question. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on any page.)

  3. Dear Guys,
    My break-up initiated two months ago, partially started by me, but ended by my ex. He was fed up with our break-up/make-up cycle. Both of us contributed to the downfall of our relatoinship, but I’m certainly taking it harder. He said he wanted space, and I didn’t respect it at all. I became exactly what every forum said not to do, begging – pleading – serial texting. We have had dinner 3 times since the break-up and each time he has said that he would like to be with me, but he wants to have more time for us to both gain perspective. Each dinner we had chemistry, we enjoyed the dinner, but the next day I just lose it. It feels like I’m being strung along, and I can’t handle it. I’ve went no contact for a few days and plan to continue to do so… I don’t want this to be permanent. I know in saying that, only he can decide what he wants in his life, and only I can work on me. But I’m confused and heartbroken. I worry that he’s gone for good. If he is I have to accept it, but I just don’t want to yet.

  4. @Steph….Well, it’s obvious he wants some space. Or needs some space. And it would be a good idea to honor his request. It might be a good time for your to reflect on what you really want, and how you want to be in the relationship—if the two of you work it out. Take care. And did you have an actual question?

  5. I have recently come out of a 2 year relationship. Back in march we had a disagreement and we broke up for 2 days, I went round and we sorted it all out, ever since en everything has been amazing we have been brilliant even as to go to cape verde on holiday at the end of June beginning of July.

    When we got back off holiday everything was still going really well, and then he went away to work at the Olympics, being in the RAF he had to go, it was hard but we spoke every day and he actually spoke more to me whilst he was away. He came home on Sunday 5th August as he had the Monday off so we had an amazing evening, I stayed at his and then went to work Monday morning. I didn’t hear much back from him this day, but that is normal for us as I was going back to his that night.

    On Tuesday 7th August, I text him saying sorry I keep worrying about little things but I know we are all good now, and he replied by saying “well the truth is I don’t love you and I don’t think I ever will you deserve to be with some who makes you happy xxx” (that’s the exact message) I was obviously past, trying to ring him etc, it he wouldn’t answer the phone would only text straight back to my texts, so I said if this is what he really wants could he bring my belongings to work, to which he got all moody with me and the kisses in messages stopped… Which was confusing! when he brought the belongings down to me, I asked why this was happening and he said “I was only with you cos I felt sorry for you” … Would he have meant that??

    He hasn’t spoken to me, hardly since, I keep asking if we can meet up and talk to each other about it, but he keeps saying it isn’t a good idea. I don’t know what to do, I still love him, and from a blokes point of view do you think he ever loved me? Do you think he could change his mind and want me back? My life does feel so empty without him  Xxx

  6. @Nicola……What kind of guy sends a text like that? That alone is a big red-flag, and says a lot about the kind of guy he is, and what he really thinks of you and the relationship. Considering your long history, and the fact that this whole thing was out of the blue, he should have at least had the decency to talk to you face-to-face. We do think he probably loved you, but something else is going on with him. Did he meet someone else why he was away? We hope he’ll step up to the plate, be a man, and talk to you about all of these questions, concerns and issues. Whether or not he’ll come back is hard to predict, but you deserve to at least to have some closure here. Please keep us posted as this progresses. And ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. Take care and hang in there. Be strong. Getting some answers will help you, but either way you’ll get through this.

  7. Hi guys, he text me last night asking how I was getting home (as I was on a night out with friends) and I just casually said walking, but he still won’t meet me to talk, it’s been 12 days since he broke up with me and I just want us to sit down and talk to each other, if he then gives me answers I may be able to understand, bier he won’t do it! It’s really hurting me and confusing me. I hope he didn’t meet any one whilst he was away and I don’t think he would of done unless it was someone he was working with, which would hurt even more :( I just don’t know what to do! We had so many plans and things, I don’t see why he has thrown it all away? How could he throw it all away? Xx

  8. @Nicola…..We’re really sorry. Hopefully at some point he’ll contact you to talk. Until then take care of yourself. And keep us posted.

  9. Hi guys, sorry to reply again, I am even more confused now! We have had a few conversations over texts all just silly little things really, and I asked him if he missed me even in the slightest and why he wouldn’t ar me face to face and he replies by saying he “doesn’t really miss me” and “doesn’t want to see me face to face” surely from my point of view, it would be best to see me face to face to say “look this is over completely?” why would he not want to see me face to face?

    Nicola x

  10. @Nicola…..He needs space. You need to listen to what he’s saying. “He’s saying he doesn’t miss you or want to see you.” As hard as that is to hear you can’t ignore that. The thing is, you can’t make him want to get together with you and talk. And he may also feel like there’s nothing to talk about. You may want to understand what’s happened but he may have already moved on. Why don’t you give it another week and see if he initiates any contact. Then let us know. Hang in there.

  11. Anonymous // October 17, 2012 at 9:02 am //

    Hi guys, my fiancé left me and our 2 children 3 months ago, we have recently had a baby and I have been suffering from post natal depression and have been pretty needy! I could see that my neediness was pushing him away but after 8 years together i thought he would understand and help me through it. 3 months ago i found out he was in contact with one of his ex’s and when i confronted him he said that he has felt neglected and in the back of his mind he has always had feelings for her but fort them as he loved me. Now i have grinded him down with my neediness i feel like i have pushed him to her. I asked him to move out and to really think what he wanted out of life thinking that it would shock him into what he stood to loose, as when we were happy we were so god damn good together in every way, surely he remembers that. After a week he said that he wasn’t coming back and that this wasn’t on a whim, he had felt like it for a few months! its been 3 months now and i have asked him to come home a few times only to get rejected. In this time he has been nothing but nice towards me and said that he wants to stay friends and get on for the kids, he offers to help out around the house and offers any money that i may need, he has also sent me a beautiful long message detailing how glad he is that i am the mother of his kids and how he cries a lot at the littlest things and bottles his feelings up, but its all kid related. Do you think that I have lost him for good? And if he is seeing this girl will it last as can it still be a rebound relationship if they have known each other so long and been in contact with each other through work? Pleas advise me on what i can do to get my family back together x

  12. @Anonymous…We’re so sorry. We hate to see families split apart. Hopefully we can shed some light on the situation. First of all, you didn’t do anything to push him away. Meaning, your post partum depression isn’t what caused him to leave. Maybe he’s using that as an excuse, but he must have been thinking about this for some time. So don’t start blaming yourself. Most men are mature enough to handle being “second in line” when they become fathers. In fact, it’s pretty normal for partners to put each other on the back burner as they raise their kids. Most people understand that the kids are only around for a short time before they’re off on their own, so they have a mutual understanding that they’ll try to keep the connection they have strong and burning, but sometimes the kids’ needs have to come first. It’s just the way it is. So this means that he either doesn’t understand this, or he’s too immature to understand this, or he’s using it as an excuse to leave. The key is to figure out which one it is. We don’t know him so we don’t even want to guess, but it’s one of those three options. And when you do figure it out, then you’ll have a clearer understanding of how to proceed. As per this other woman. It’s hard to say. Men who leave their wives for other women, tend to come crawling back when the relationship falls apart, or the woman breaks up with him. So another question to figure out is: Did he leave you for her, or did he leave because he’s no longer happy and fallen out of love with you? Can you talk with him about all of this. We think he owes you that much. It’s unfair of him not to help you process all of this. What do you think? Let us know and we’ll give you some more feedback. Certainly keep us posted as this progresses and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Hang in there.

  13. Thanks guys, he said that he has felt like this for a while now and he hasn’t left on a whim, he said that i am perfect and he wants me to find someone that can love me as i deserve to be loved and he didn’t want this to come up 10 years down the line when the kids are older and me being left on my own. I asked him about the other woman but he keeps it short and says nothing is going on, yet my friends tell me they have been in contact. We truly were happy before all the came up, we had fun as a family and together as a couple… have i lost him forever? i don’t talk about the break up anymore when he comes for the kids, i just appear happy in the hope he will see the me that he fell in love with and change his mind… he says he cares for me as the mother of his kids but is not in love with me anymore… he is a great guy and a fantastic dad but i do believe he is still a teenager at heart and wants that lifestyle back… have i got any hope of him loving me again and coming home?

  14. @Anonymous………He sounds as if he’s having some sort of mid-life crisis. To a certain extent, many people with kids wish life could be more balanced so they could have more time for themselves, and more freedom to do whatever they wanted to do. He says he’s not confused and this isn’t a whim, but if he feels that it’s you who is holding him back, then he’s going to be in for a rude awakening. (He’ll likely wake up one day and wonder what the heck was he thinking.) However, if he generally has fallen out of love with you, then it’s unlikely he’ll be back. We don’t know him or the situation so it’s hard to know exactly what he’s thinking. Unfortunately you’re just going to have to be patient and see how this all plays out. Give him some time, be as pleasant as you can be, and see if he initiates any sort of talk or reconciliation. If he doesn’t, then you’re going to have to begin the conversation to define what’s really going on. Have you suggested couple’s counseling? Would he be willing to do that? If he’s set in his decision it’s going to be hard to get him to do much, that’s why we’re suggesting holding tight for a little while longer. Your thoughts?

  15. Anonymous // October 18, 2012 at 5:00 am //

    He wouldn’t do couples counselling as he says he doesn’t want to get back together, I suggested it when he said he was leaving! I have found out that he was in contact with the other woman for the last 8 months of our relationship and still is! When he left he said that he doesn’t get the butterflies anymore with me and that when he kisses me he felt nothing! I suggested meeting up as friends recently but he said it would be a little weird and that he didn’t want to give me any false hope as to us getting back together! Have I really lost him forever?

  16. @Anonymous……We’re sorry. We can only imagine how difficult this is. Going by his words, it sounds like he is moving on. If this were all about the other woman we’d say just wait it out. But his words have a finality to them, and when he talks, he speaks specifically of your relationship. That shows he’s done a lot of reflecting, and it’s not some knee-jerk reaction in response to some new woman.

  17. Anonymous // October 18, 2012 at 9:49 am //

    Do you not think that it’s because of his new contact with her and the excitement of it all that he left? I’m really struggling to think that we don’t have a future together with our 2 young children :(

  18. @Anonymous…..The last thing we’ll tell you is there’s no hope, especially when it involves not only you, but your children. All we can say is we hope he comes to his senses and realizes what he’s doing. But just the way he speaks. So matter-of-factly. Makes us think his mind is made up. If it is about this other woman, then yes, there is hope. If this is about him, and you, and him no longer wanting to be in the relationship (separate from this other woman) then it’s likely he’s made his mind up. Hang in there. We’re really sorry about all of this. Keep us posted and feel free to use us as a sounding board whenever.

  19. Thanks guys x

  20. @Anonymous…..You’re welcome. And take care of yourself. Be in touch and let us know how things are.

  21. Dear Guys,

    I need some opinions and advice that I can’t ask my girlfriends (or guy friends) because they are too close to my situation. My ex-husband and I-we were divorced 4 months ago & separated 6 months ago- have been hooking up for the past 8 or so weeks. We tried this whole thing before we even divorced, but there were too many open wounds and had to let some time pass because it became emotionally messy….at least on my part. We each went on and dated other people and our divorce was finalized. I don’t believe in divorce so didn’t even go to the divorce hearing. Weeks later I asked him how it went…being sarcastic and serious at the same time.
    I went on a series of dates with this and that person…big thanks to FB (not really); its amazing what happens when you change your relationship status to divorced! And he met a woman he told me he was beginning to have feelings for. So we ended it very quickly. That was our deal the 1st go round that if we met someone…we stopped and that’s it. And that’s exactly what happened.

    Needless to say we have an amazing sex life and have been friends since we were teenagers (now I’m in my early 30’s and he’s a little older). So I was walking through the grocery store a few weeks ago and BAM…just had to text him out of the blue to see if they were together anymore. My feeling was right-he had stopped seeing her…so on we went to start back up again.

    This time is very different; before he really didn’t want to kiss me much…now he can’t stop kissing me. It’s like it was when we were dating and married…constantly. There are days he will go into work late or I will leave work early and then later that night go to eachother’s house and hookup for a 2nd time that day! We never go more than 48 hours without seeing eachother and text everyday. Sometimes we sit outside and talk for and hour or more…so it’s not just sex. We even hangout like buddies and have a drink then go home without doing anything at all.

    Here’s the question and where I need advice. I’ve not said a thing to him about still loving him. I do wonder if he still has feelings for me or if it’s how guys are and just meaningless sex- just another hookup.

    I got very sick when we first got married and had to have major surgery. He took 3 weeks off of work and took care of the house and kids (we don’t have any together). I had to resign from a great job and it caused financial problems where we began to fight. All understandable…I feel the divorce was a hasty move, but he would never admit it even if he felt he had made a mistake too.

    I LOVE how things are (or maybe I just love being with him), but they are also not moving forward with him….and not with someone else (how can I make time for that when I have him taking up ALL the spare time I have and all the time we make just to see eachother). So do I keep this up and wait for him to say something? He says he’s not going anywhere…don’t know how to take that. He also says he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone because he doesn’t have time in his life with work and kids. I told him all the time he’s spending with me he could make for another girl…that was a huge no (can you say confusing). WTF do you want ex-hubby?! We can’t keep this up no matter how fun and exciting. I admit my feelings, but can leave the situation if I try hard enough (would be hardest thing I’ve ever done to let him go completely). We just haven’t touched on the “us again” topic! It’s beyond FWB or hooking up or whatever you can call it short of a relationship without strings…IDK!

    HELP…what do I need to do (or need to not do)! Thank you so much for any guidance you may have :)

  22. @Melissa……Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. Before we get to your question could you please fill us in on a few things. How long were you married? Did you say? Also, we’re assuming this is a second marriage for him. Correct or not? How many kids does he have? First marriage for you? (The answers will help us get a clearer picture of what’s going on.) We can’t speak to why you got divorced, however, we can say that he seems happy with the current situation, and that’s why it’s confusing. In essence, he got to let go of what he considered were the difficult parts of the relationship—working through issues, day-to-day living, compromising, communicating, etc.—and he got to keep all the fun parts—sex and hanging out. This is great for him since he now says he doesn’t want a relationship because he’s so busy. He gets to focus on work, see his kids, and then have a booty call/hang with you. In his mind the perfect situation. We’re not saying he’s cold-hearted and doesn’t have feelings for you, but we are saying he’s getting the milk for free. So what are you getting from this? (Rhetorical) Not much that we can see. Sure, you get to spend time with him, but you’re paying a price. This situation is going to keep you in a holding pattern for as long as it continues. It doesn’t matter if you’re also dating around, you’re not open to these other guys because you’re still in love with your ex-husband. And we understand, truly we do. But we don’t see him changing his mind. Like we said, he’s hit the jackpot. He gets to choose what parts of you he wants, but doesn’t have to deal with the parts he doesn’t want. That’s great for him, but that’s not how relationships work. Committed relationships take a lot of work, but all that work is worth it because it brings people even closer. He’s not interested in that right now because he realized he didn’t have the energy for it. He’s got just enough to give to his work and kids. And you provide him a nice boost when he needs it. So that’s our take. What do you think? Thoughts? Questions? Ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Treat this as a conversation.

  23. @Melissa…….This is a follow up to our first reply to you. (See below) If you really want to know what’s going on, or if you really want to try again you need to start talking to him about this. There are no guarantees, but we honestly don’t think this situation is going to be good for you if it continues a lot longer. And we don’t think he’s going to initiate the conversation because he’s happy with how things are. Thoughts? (Read our first comment/reply below)

  24. Hey guys…thanks for your great advice. We were married about a year and divorced a few months ago. I think you’re on point- he’s not gonna initiate a conversation like that when he’s got it as good as he does. Who in their right mind would?! So I think I’ll mention things to him & go from there whether its with or without him.
    I just don’t even know how to begin the conversation! I did text him lastnight & say “would you be ok if I told you today was the last time & I need to move forward”. His reply was “it’s late & you’re thinking too much I’ll call you tomorrow”. So we’ll see!
    Thanks for giving straight forward advice. I appreciate you guys’ honesty :)
    Melissa

  25. @Melissa…..You’re welcome. Please keep us posted and let us know how things go. One quick thought: Sometimes starting a conversation with a handwritten letter works well. That way you can get your thoughts down on paper. It’s very personal. And he has time to digest it a bit and think. And then the actual conversation can happen after that. It also takes away some of the initial outpourings that can muddy up the waters. What do you think? Ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Take care.

  26. I’ll try the letter & keep you updated! Thanks:)

  27. I broke it off with my boyfriend on new years Eve after I caught him scoping out Craigslist for a fling.  I basically stood him up for our NYE date no call or texts to let him know I was breaking it off.  I was that upset.  I call him new years day to tell him of my discovery and during that discussion he admitted to picking up a woman at a bar 3 weeks prior and had a 1 night stand(unprotected sex at that).  We agreed to no contact for whatever amount of time to try and heal.  I immediately made a Dr appt to make sure everything was good and that he didn’t give me anything…. thankfully I’m clean.  I’ve had horrible anxiety and depression since and have even started going to a therapist once a week.  After a few weeks of no contact I couldn’t take it…. I needed face to face to get closure or answers.   He agreed to meet me.  It was very tense, but it was nice to see him and to get answers.  He seemed to somewhat blame me for his actions saying he couldn’t trust me since I am friends with my ex fiance which he knee going into this relationship.   However, my ex is a mechanic and my car broke down and my boyfriend said he’d pay to fix it….however it was cheaper and better quality work having my ex fix it.  When I told my boyfriend he flipped out and didn’t want to talk to me… he also stated later that he had found pix of me online that were posted to a porn site….I had no idea they were there and they were obviously photoshopped.  They were also posted more than 5 yrs ago.  None of this excuses what he did.  He also said i was too clingy snd pushy.  But we are both now realizing how we didn’t communicate very well.  And we started talking about the possibility of working it out down the road. Can this be fixed?  I love him despite what he did.  We aren’t exactly young(I’m 33 & he’s 46).  Since that talk, we aren’t doing no contact, we talk via text about once a week.  Though it seemed I was the one inciating talk, so I let it go and didn’t talk for nearly a week and he contacted me.  Just small ta! lk seeing if I followed up on job he told me about.  And then I stated I’d like to see him for my bday which is in about 10 days.  And he said he’d like that.  One day at a time I suppose, I’m just wondering if fixing this is worth it or possible …. once a cheater always a cheater?

  28. @Laurie….This is complicated. First of all, does he have a history of cheating? With other people? And what’s up with your ex? What kind of friends do you mean? He sounds pretty involved in your life. Is that true? Fill us in some more.

  29. Thanks for responding. I don’t know if he has a history of cheating. He’s been chested on by a fiance back in his 30s. So I can see why he didn’t trust me with my ex. My ex fiance and I are friends…. when I was with him my daughter and I moved in with him to a city away from any family members or my daughter’s dad’sfamily(they live about 45 mins from us). So when he and I broke up it took time but we remained friends…. not friends with benefits or anything…. he watches my daughter sometimes while I’m at work(like once a month or less). We never hung out really especially when I got closer to my boyfriend. But I could see how my being friends threatened him, but I’m such a friendly person that I feel compelled to stay friends with exes . I should’ve distanced myself…. and I see how him fixing My car threatened him too since it was his way of “taking care” of me by paying since he doesn’t fix cars.
    I feel like none of this would’ve happened if I had let him pay instead of having the ex do it. Not that it justifies picking up some broad in a bar. I honestly think it was out of character for him. How should I/we go about fixing it?

  30. @Laurie…..The first step starts with both of you. Do you think you can forgive him? And do you think he can get over the situation with your ex? We’d then suggest getting the conversation started and possibly seeing a couple’s counselor to help facilitate the discussion. Both of you need to take a look at how you’re contributing to the issue. And both of you have to put equal work into fixing this. If one of you is putting in the effort but the other isn’t it’s not going to get fixed. Good luck.

  31. Dear guys… Please help…                     I dated this guy last year for about 6 months… During the relationship I changed… I changed into a insecure, needy GF, nagged about him not putting in enough effort etc. He said that he felt nothing was ever good enough. Things was wonderful in the beginning of the relationship, his parents loved me, everything was perfect. After all the unnecessary fights he decided to break up… The same night of the break up I stayed over @ his place… Cried, did the whole don’t leave me should not thing… After that we broke off all contact. 2 times after the breakup he wanted to be friends… I told hom I couldn’t… 3rd time a month ago I wanted to give friendship a go. About a week ago I went over to him to catch up etc, it was chilled… He tickled me the whole time… And the last time when I tickled him back he pulled me close and kissed me. It came from both sides. I ignored it for a day and after that I couldn’t just keep quiet. Asked him what now, I was confused etc… He said he is sorry he made a mistake, he shouldn’t have done it. His mindset is friendship, but he stille feels the physical attraction. He said he felt a lot whilst kissing me that it wasn’t just physical. Said that he couldn’t sleep that night after kissing etc. He said that he isn’t ready/stong enough to give us another chance because he is afraid that it will end up like in the past. I don’t know how to handle this situastion, I’ve never felt this way in my life, I took the time after the breakup to work on my waeknesses and become a better person for myself and future relationships. But I prayed like crazy for him to come back…I want him back…Help?! :”(

  32. @kate…….There’s not much you can do to get him to come back. He’s got to choose it on his own. We’re sorry. We wish we could say something to fix this, but it doesn’t work that way. Yes, you may have changed, and he might even know that; but that doesn’t mean he wants to try again. Once again, he’s got to initiate the reconciliation. Our advice: Be patient. Be cool. And just see what happens. You can’t force this or speed it up. It’s going to happen or it’s not. But if you keep trying to show him that you’ve change, you’re just going to push him away and make him think you’re no different than you were. Trying to force someone to see something they don’t see on their own is a form of nagging. So be careful. And good luck.

  33. Regret not finding this website earlier… Thank you so much. I’ll keep calm… Any tips on how to handle the situation if he kisses me again etc? He said he felt the physical attraction… But his mindset is friendship…do you think friendship may lead toe more?

  34. Regret not finding this website earlier… Thank you so much. I’ll keep calm… Any tips on how to handle the situation if he kisses me again etc? He said he felt the physical attraction… But his mindset is friendship…do you think friendship may lead toe more? Or should I telle hom how I feel and leave it there and give him time…?

  35. @Kate……….If he says his mindset is friendship but then he keeps trying to kiss you that only means he’s turned on when he’s with you. But that doesn’t mean he’s ready to jump into anything more serious any time soon. We’d cool the kissing until he tells you he’s ready to try again. Just our opinion.

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