Will he change his mind about having kids?

Hi Guys,

I’m 35 and in a loving and nice relationship. Of course the question about having children has crossed my head from time to time and it’s an experience that I probably don’t want to miss. My partner, on other hand, says that he’s feeling less and less interested. He said that this feeling is not related to me or to us. Also, it’s not a definitive no.

I know men and women approach this issue differently. As I said, I imagine that I want to have kids at some point (with him) but I haven’t felt the call yet. At the same time I know my age and I know we are not getting any younger. (I took this approach when I talked to him.)

I would like to have your opinion in what drives you guys to want or not want children. I would like that this is an issue that we answer together, but seems pretty obvious knowing my man that we will have to work it out separately…. You’ll call me crazy, but even I don’t feel the call yet. It really upsets me that he knows how he feels.

Thanks for your thoughts!

Nina

Dear Nina,

Kids, money, sex are the topics that create the most stress in relationships. We don’t know if you’re thinking marriage or not, but we’d strongly suggest working this out before you take any big steps forward.

You say you’re not feeling the call just yet. Well, is it possible that you’re not feeling the call because you know he’s not on board? You might want to think about that. The last thing you want to do is succumb to his wishes and regret your decision after it’s too late.

But let’s get back to your original question: What drives men to want children or not?

They want kids because: 1. They want to be a father someday. 2. They want to make their woman happy.

(Even if a  man is uncertain about having kids, or did it just because his wife/partner wanted kids, we don’t know of many men that regret the decision once they’re kids are born. Sure, being a parent is stressful, tiring and expensive but all the positive experiences that come from it outweigh any of the downsides.)

They don’t want kids because: 1. They have other goals they want to achieve. (Career, personal) And kids would get in the way. 2. They are scared that they might not be a great father. 3. They had a tough childhood with abusive parents and they vowed to never have kids. 4. They are immature and can barely take care of themselves. 5. They want to do what they want to do not be stuck taking care of kids. 6. They simply don’t want kids. (Some people just don’t.)

(There’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids. We have some guys here who don’t and sometimes they feel unfairly judged because of it. That said, some guys are just scared and don’t realize what an incredible experience it is.)

To finish up, we’ll reiterate what we said earlier. You need to work this out before you move forward and before too many years pass. Listen to your gut. If it’s telling you that you really want to try and have kids that’s not something you should ignore. We know you love this man and want to have kids with him, but if he’s not on board you might need to make a tough decision. Hopefully it won’t come to that and the two of you can get on the same page. We suggest you do some soul searching and decide what you really want. Being wishy washy yourself is not going to help you negotiate with him. You have to come to the table with clear ideas and goals.

Hopefully this helps clarify a few things for you. Let us know if you have any follow-up questions or thoughts. Leave them in the comments’ section below.

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll tell your friends about us. Thanks!

 

1 Comment on Will he change his mind about having kids?

  1. @Jen….We’re not suggesting you let it go. Just let it go for now. End of the year sounds like a good plan. Please keep us posted and we sincerely hope it works out.

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