Long Distance Struggles


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Dear Guys,

I met this kiwi in Bali just over a month ago and we hit it off straight away. He ended up following me to another part of Bali with his mate and two other gal pals of mine where we stayed two nights in villa before the boys headed back to NZ. The time I spent with him was extremely fun, light hearted, spontaneous and I can honestly say that I truly believed it would be a fling and I’d never hear from him again afterwards.

Not only did he message me after he left, it’s a month later and we’re still messaging! I am now back in the UK and he’s in NZ so you can imagine distance/time difference is a massive pain and not ideal. We talk most days and FaceTime on weekends when we can. I love how different our lives are … he was bought up in such a different environment to me that it’s so refreshing and exciting getting to know him better.

We’re now at a point where (conveniently) we’re both going to Canada. He leaves next week and I am looking to head out for August (three months away yet!!) but I am also still waiting on a working visa! I guess the reason I am messaging is because I’m nervous he will get bored…I’m also nervous that I’m more into him than he is me. I am a girl …. I like to communicate my feelings, intentions and make plans so I don’t feel like I’m just wasting my time ….which guys (especially laid back guys like him) just don’t seem to want to do. I completely understand how long four months is … things could have easily changed by then. But the guy is very much a closed book… he doesn’t give anyway anything and I literally could not tell you if he has feelings for me or not.

Am I fighting a losing battle? In my mind I wouldn’t invest my time and energy staying in contact with a guy if I wasn’t serious about pursing him… the fact that it’s long distance just solidifies how much I like the guy if I’m willing to keep that line open. I just don’t know if he’s thinking the same thing… does he wanna date me or does he just want a fling when I get to Canada? The ability to read his mind would come in very handy right now. I’m terrified to voice this to him mainly because I don’t wanna scare him off by offloading all this onto him.. it is quite an intense conversation to have with someone you’ve only really known just over a month. Maybe you could shed some light on the situation?



Dear ECN,

The only losing battle your fighting is with yourself. Why? Because you’re letting your anxious feelings rule the day and that’s taking away from, what should be, a fun experience getting to know someone new. So our first bit of advice is try to have fun in the here and now. Because the fact is, it’s too soon to know what he’s thinking. We don’t know either, because like you, we’re not mind readers.

FYI: We’re not quite sure we understand what you mean when you say he’s a closed book? (Please explain)

That said, there are signs to look for that might help you figure out where his head’s at. (And his heart)

  1. Who initiates communication? Does he? (If he does that’s good.)
  2. Does he ask you specific questions about you during your conversations? (Is he trying to get to know you, or is it just talk about various topics?)
  3. Has he talked at all about the future beyond Canada? (What his plans are. Has he hinted that he wants to include you in these plans?)
  4. How old is he? How mature is he? (Does he seem ready to be in a committed relationship?)
  5. What happened during your time with him? Was it all about sex? Or was there an even deeper connection?
  6. Does he ask you if you’re coming to Canada? Does he seem excited about it?

Here’s the catch though. All of the above signs could be there, and he may actually believe he’s way into you, but until you spend time together, he’s not going to know whether it’s his hormones talking, or him. Does that make sense?

The thing about guys is we tend to get ahead of ourselves. And in this situation, it would be easy. He meets a woman he’s attracted to, there’s a connection, she’s into him, and he gets very excited. Throw in the distance to the mix, and he’s even more excited. (That’s the nature of long-distance relationships for guys. Or rather, long-distance relationships that begin as long-distance relationships, not relationships that turn into a long-distance relationship after time together.)

Look ECN, if you really like this guy, you ride it out and see how it goes. That doesn’t mean you can’t date other guys in the meantime, although we know how this works. (We doubt you’ll be that open to other men if you’re waiting to see what happens with this guy.) The most meaningful experiences in life all come with risk. This is one of those times. If it doesn’t work out, at least you won’t have any regrets.

Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. Leave in the comments below.

Take care,


Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice about long distance relationships.


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