I received a random phone call from a guy I used to “hang out” with

Dear Guys,

As the subject line reads! I recently recieved a random phone call from a guy I used to hang out with. He called to ask to use to my dictophone to which I agreed. But there has been no follow up!

In terms of background on us, he is 9 years older than me (I’m 25 and he’s 34).  Nothing really amounted to much between us; (no kiss!) we just hung out; but admittedly he is great company. But now he hardly contacts me. However, I do notice when it hits three week mark of no contact between us he either texts or instant messages to check in and see how I’m doing.

So I guess I’m asking what his game is and where to go from here? I would like something to develop here. I think he is attracted but distracted!

Thanks,

CT

Dear CT,

Thanks for your question.

Usually when a guy randomly contacts a woman he wants something more than to use her dictaphone. (For our readers: A dictaphone is a small cassette recorder used to record speech for transcription at a later time.) But he’s probably not quite sure how to proceed since he doesn’t know how you feel about him. He initially contacted you to put out feelers, and he continues this strategy by working in three week intervals. He’s giving you space, but not enough so you’ll forget him.

But what do you know about his situation. Is he dating? Single? Involved? Involved but trying to break up? That might help you figure out his intentions. You need to gather a bit more information here.

A good way to get this started is to just invite him over again for dinner or lunch. We’re not suggesting good food and sex; we’re suggesting a nice meal where you can can get the conversation started. Because at the pace this is going, it could be years before he makes a move.

Last thought: After you make the initial move, he needs to initiate all dates after that. (At least for a while.) That way you’ll really know what his intentions are, and how serious he is about you.

Good luck and keep us posted,

THE GUYS

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14 Comments on I received a random phone call from a guy I used to “hang out” with

  1. Alright here’s the deal…I have been seeing this gal exclusively for eight months. We are thinking of moving in with eachother, combining families, possibly moving to another state, etc…Am I to worry about a guy friend she swears is just a friend, but all of a sudden last night he asks her for a drink and she agreed to it…am I worrying about nothing or should I be concerned? She is always going by what her friends do but when I brought that to her attention about, “Would her friends do that?” she just got upset…she also said that she just wishes that I would not have to ask questions about stuff all the time…but all of a sudden she asks me if this is okay and this has never come up before now…what are you thoughts? Am I being a baby or is there call for concern?

    P.S. She is a gal that likes the finer things in life and has three children added to my son and I. Her last bfriend made $10k a month. I don’t even come close. She does love me I know that but why now with this friend? She says she never slept with him before and would never date him but also said he has a good career and is good-looking. I have had some bad experiences with woman before that have said this…is it me? Alright, let me know…and thanks guys

  2. @Shawn….Quick question. How long has she known this guy? Is he a new friend? Did she know him prior to your relationship? What night was this drink? How late did it go? Does she have other guy friends? Give us some details. Fill us in a bit and we’ll give you our opinion.

  3. She knew him prior to us. She said that they use to go out for drinks before, just him and her. But this is the first time in eight months that she has every asked me about it…drink hasn’t happened. Yes she has other guy friends but not any that she goes out with just her and him. Again, she has never slept with him, she says that they have not gotten any drinks or really spoken that much the past couple months accept for texts about possibly getting together in a groupn situation. My thoughts honestly, she talks to him more than she lets on. She did see him a couple weekends ago when she was out with her friends, her friend and her stayed in. Room that was paid for by this guys work…and the rest of her friends stayed at this guys house…it just seems shady, that’s all and I just am not too sure I like it…

  4. @Shawn…..Yes, it does seem a bit iffy. We tend to trust our gut on things. Here’s what bothers us the most: The fact that she gets upset with you when you ask her about things, and the fact that she tries to make it seem like it’s no big deal. It’s a big deal because it bothers you. (Even if it’s nothing, which remains to be seen.) Just like if something came up about you that bothered her you’d try to make her feel better about it rather than scold her. It shows that she’s really looking out for herself—and kids possibly—but kind of brushing your feelings aside. We’re not saying this is a deal breaker; in fact this could be a good starting point to have some more open dialogue about what you both expect from a relationship, or from a partner. It seems the two of you may be looking for different things. Our suggestion: We might delay moving in together and blending your lives until you’ve resolved some basic issues of trust, commitment, and respect. The fact that she isn’t doing whatever she can to put your mind at ease, means this pattern will continue when you’re married, or living together. Something more to keep in mind Shawn: We don’t know her financial situation, but if she’s used to nice things, and has three kids on top of that, and she’s used to getting a lot of attention from men—we get that sense—and she likes the attention, or what that attention brings, she may still be out casting lines into the water looking for someone who can provide all of those things. That’s conjecture thought. It’s hard to say from our vantage point. We’re only going by what you’ve told us. But you know her better than we do. What do you think? What’s your plan?

  5. Hi Guys,
    Im in a very complicated situation trying to figure out what, if, I should do anything…

    Theres this guy I met a few years ago when we were working together and long story short even though we flirted we never took anything further because I was in a relationship with my son’s father at the time. A few months after we broke up he popped back into my life about a year after I stopped working with him. I told him that I was no longer with my son’s father anymore so we exchanged numbers and began texting eachother occasionally. Sexual tension started to build quickly. Because he lived a few cities away from me we didnt see eachother often so when he came into town we met up & talked for a minute but it started to turn sexual & I cant quite remember how but we ended up stopping before actually engaging in intercourse. We continued to text after that but it started to cool & finally stopped after I informed him that I was moving out of state for school. I decided to let it go & try to forget about him because I was kind of feeling that it wouldnt work anyway. I deleted his number out of my phone and took him off of my friends list on facebook (I would like to add that I did this because there were a few comments made on his part that made me question his character, not horrible but I felt that maybe he wasnt completely mature or respectful despite being a few years older) so anyway I moved on and was focused on school when 5 or 6 months later he pops back into my life through FB. At the time he was working a late night shift for a company & he sent me a message right after finishing his shift expressing that he needed to talk to me. He made me nervous about the urgency of the message & so I asked him how he was & what did he need to talk about and gave him my number… he answered the question about his wellbeing but completely ignored the question about what he wanted. He finally called me a couple of days later after getting off of his shift & I was surprised to hear him apologize about the amount of time that had lapsed & went on explaining some situations going on in his life. We talked for a while that night & he asked when I planned to visit. anyway we texted eachother occasionally but I let him initiate the phone calls. He called like every two to three months to check in & to see if i was still planning to visit & I kept him informed about my plans and any changes (I was trying to coordinate a trip with my sons father who is very unreliable) but I was also starting to wonder where this was going with him. When I get there what were his plans? even though we talked as friends it was more about surface topics not really like we were really getting to know one another & we talked so infrequently i was confused. I knew that I didnt want a particular relationship from him but I didnt want to feel like I was going to drive 500 miles to visit with someone who I felt may or may not be interested in me. So anyway I had to rearrange my plans & told him… he seemed a little upset about it & so I got a little irritated when he asked me when I was coming out & I said I dont know because my son’s father wasnt keeping in contact to let me know what I had to plan & I also told him im not driving that far for no reason & that I need a reason to make the trip. When we hung up we were both angry. We texted but it was a little different & when I didnt receive a call from him for several months I decided to just give up wondering where it would be going anyway. My phone ended up breaking & I got a new one with a different company and number & didnt reach out to give it to him. I deleted my FB page for several months for other reasons.

    My question is what should I do now? Its been a while like 7 or 8 months since we talked & he has crossed my mind lately & im not sure if I should reach out to him. Im afraid that I will make a fool of myself if I reach out to him & not knowing how he might feel about me. I have no clue if he has even made an effort to contact me because of my page being deleted. Im SO confused.

    Thanks guys

  6. I also want to say that I dont mean to make him sound like a total jerk because he’s not. Since that apology he really has shown a lot of respect towards me. The reason this all confuses me is because I don’t understand why a guy would stay in contact for a long period of time if he hasn’t had physical contact with a woman and isnt really interested?

  7. I would appreciate any advice you all can give. I think I asked you about this guy a WHILE back but I cant find it.

  8. @LL…..Sorry we missed this one. He’s a big boy. He knows how to get in touch with you. THe whole thing just seems very nebulous and uncertain. And we can’t blame you for not wanting to drive 500 miles without having some indication about how he really feels. We know you might miss him, and maybe don’t have anything else going on so you’re thinking about him, but honestly, we don’t see this going anywhere. We think he’d be making more of an effort. And he’s not. Can’t you focus your efforts more on meeting someone who lives near you rather than trying to figure this out with this guy? That’s what we’d do.

  9. Yes your right, thank you. Im a student, mother, and employee so its not that I dont have anything else to do, I guess my mind sometimes goes back to him because he’s the only one I’ve really liked in a while. But your right and honest and I should just put that behind me for good and stop wondering if I should’ve done anything differently. Thanks

  10. @LL……Take care of yourself.

  11. Hi guys,
    10 years ago I met an incredible guy, but I didn’t know it. He was the only guy I’ve ever dated that I can truly say I admired and respected. I was 20, he was 23. We dated about 4 months. Then, he left for grad school 2500 miles away and I was finishing university. He was sad to leave and I was sad to see him go. I was living a pretty crazy life at the time, 20 years old, partying a lot, not looking for Mr. Right. But, when I was with him everything was different. Anyways, fast forward, we connected over social media about five years ago and pseudo stay in touch,(a like here and there and a random comment) but i had a boyfriend or he had a girlfriend and again timing was off. Well, then I’m single and he gets engaged, so that’s it. But then, miracle of miracles they call it off. And, I’m single. But I live abroad. ..I’ve never been a girl for the mushy stuff, but I find it intriguing that he’s kept me interested for ten years! Strangely, i really see us working if we can get together 😉
    I really want to reach out but have no idea how to do it. I’ll be coming back from abroad in 4 months and I’d love to see him but I don’t want to seem like a psycho. Advice?

  12. @MK……If you’ve been staying in touch this whole time you’re not going to seem like a pscyho if you suggest getting together for coffee and “catching up.” Then you’ll just have to see what happens. We might suggest reaching out to him now and subtly letting him know that you’ll be home in four months. Say it in a general way. Like: “I’m excited to be coming home. It’s been a while since I’ve been home.” Not: “I’m excited to see you so we can finish what we started.” Just be casual and see what happens. Stop worrying about the pscyho piece of it. Just the fact that you’re even thinking about that tells us you’re probably not acting like one. Good luck.

  13. Thanks Guys…seems reasonable.

  14. I met on-line last winter a very nice guy. I really was not too interested in him at first…But he was very sweet, good to me, ect. and I guess you could say he really grew on me the more we talked and were together. He had been very open about getting his heart broken months before by his fiancé leaving him for another man. She did this twice, he took her back , and then she left him again for the same person months later. Needless to say he was crushed and devastated. In the beginning of our courtship he was very hot on the pursuit with me. Seemed just crazy about me, and I was flattered but a little freaked out and told him we needed to slow down as we are still getting to know one another. Well, we dated for about 3 months and then HE started to became distant, very withdrawn from me. Almost like he did a 180. At this point I really have feelings for him and care for him and not interested in dating other men. We get into a slight argument on the phone and he hangs up on me. Well, we never spoke again and I thought it was the end of that. Fast forward to 4 Months later which is now, I get in the actual mail a 2.5 page letter from him. Asking for my forgiveness, saying how great, wonderful, beautiful I was, basically saying he was an angry person as a result of his Ex and didn’t realize it. That he was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and that I happened to be the recipient. he said he used the time we were apart to work on himself and didn’t date at all. He said he spent so much time loving someone that didn’t deserve it that he was blinded great to something in front of him… He was very sorry and said he very much wanted to be a part of my life again if I would have him. It was a very kind letter and I called him and of course forgave him and said no hard feelings. Sooo here is where I don’t know what to think. We have seen each other a few times since then and have texted and called some in-between but it is still very slow. When I see him we act like we are dating (kissing, affectionate, we have been intimate). I asked him what his intentions are with me and he said he really didn’t know. I can tell he just doesn’t want to ‘open up’ so I try to just act cool. I really like him and have feelings for him but I can’t figure him out. Is this a case of emotionally unavailable? I know he cares for me, as we would not of taken the time to write me after 3 months- But its kind of driving me crazy. sometimes I hear from him on a regular basis, and then it will go a week without talking . I do let him initiate all texting/calling to the point where he asked me why I never texted him first and wondered if I was upset. Since he said that I have been trying to text him a little here and there. It is just hard for me to understand if he thinks I am just sooo great then why can’t he give me more like he did at first? It makes me feel like he is not interested in me and has been hard on my self-esteem. Will he get over his ex? I am not sure how to handle this situation. He will call and ask if I am dating anyone or want to know what I’ve been up too , does seem jealous but then he doesn’t really make an effort to get together. It’s like we are phone friends. Help! I am confused….

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