Am I being used?

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Dear Guys,

I have known this guy for 2 years. We hit it off immediately. He was intense at first and then backed off, saying things were going too fast. I made the mistake of being “too available”. When I asked about a relationship, he declined. I then didn’t return calls for months. He continued to try to contact me. I saw him a couple of times, then cut it off again.

Now, I’m seeing him again. He seems a little different…told me he missed me…we’re getting along fine and he’s contacting me regularly. He’s really busy with his job now – it’s seasonal and he has very little free time. I wonder if the few times I see him are because he’s horny. He met my mom when she came to visit. I’m taking it slow – not contacting him, but waiting to hear from him. When he’s less busy, I’ll try to confront him about where this is going. We are young. We met very young and I understand he’s not ready. I wasn’t either, initally. He constantly tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. I don’t see him much, but worry this is all physical…why has he contacted me regularly for 2 years, even when I haven’t responded for months at a time?

Do you think I’m wasting my time? I admire him and would like a relationship, but am afraid of losing him altogether. Help!


Dear Amanda,

Thanks for your question.

No we don’t think you’re being used, but yes, it might be all physical at least at this point. Sound confusing? Not really.

The easiest way to find out the answer to your question is to inquire whether or not he’s having sex with other people. If he is then he’s also using you for sex. If he’s not having sex with other people, it might be a good time to start directing some of these questions to him. We realize you’re both young, but if you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to talk maturely about the future.

We get a lot of questions from women who are having physical relations, but have no idea what their guy is thinking, or where the relationship is going. Call us old-fashioned, but why!!?? No one can ever be 100% sure of anything, but it seems to us—unless it’s a one night stand, which of course can impose its own set of problems—that a woman would want to know where she stood before she climbed between the sheets, or in the back seat of a car.

Talk to your guy before this goes any further. Find out where his head’s at. Tell him where you’re coming from. Don’t be scared of the truth, because the truth is always a relief, one way or another.

Finally, you mention the word “admire” in your letter to us, and that  makes us kind of nervous. The way you used it made us think that you look up to this guy. If this is true, you need to take a hard look at that. (If it’s not true, you can ignore the remaining text.) You should never put anyone above you. It’s okay to admire qualities a guy might possess. (He might be honorable, trustworthy, smart, funny, courageous, sensitive, bold, etc.) But to date someone because they’re good at sports, music, or some other pursuit, is not a good idea. This only tells you what they excel at, not who they are.

Amanda, we’re not sure what exactly you meant when you said you “admired” him, but we will say if you feel at all inferior to this man, you might need to do some of your own work before you jump into a relationship. When the balance of power is unequal in a relationship the door is open to strife and unhappiness for one or both parties. You want to enter into a relationship feeling strong, confident, sexy, and grounded.

Good luck,


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2 Comments on Am I being used?

  1. Hmmmm…definitely find out if he’s having sex with other women. I don’t know if he’s using you for sex or not, but knowing that should enlighten things for you.

  2. go with your gut. it has unadulterated sense. the mind clouds things with denial, coping, guilt, etc mechanisms. if you think he’s using you for sex, he probably is. if this isn’t what you want, think of yourself first and move on. don’t waste your precious time.

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