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Am I just a hookup for him?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been talking to this guy I go to college with for about a month now. We have tons in common (same major, both play music, etc.), and so it seemed at first that he was interested in me and not just looking to hook up. However, I think now it has turned into a Friends with Benefits situation? He’ll text me during the day to see what’s up a few days out of the week, but then only wants to hang out on friday and saturday nights to hook up. When I’m with him he’ll hold my hand and cuddle and compliment me and talk a bunch. So sometimes I feel like he’s actually into me and then sometimes I feel like I’m just a hook up buddy to him. I feel like he probably doesn’t have strong feelings for me or he’d arrange to see me during the day or keep in touch more often. But when I’m with him he acts really interested. I’ve gone to two events with him, and he’s held my hand in front of people and introduced me to a few friends so it’s not like he’s hiding me. I like hooking up with him, but I’m also a little hurt that he just views me as a person to hook up with. Is there a way to tell if he has actual feelings? If I am just a friend to hook up with, do guys ever develop feelings for hook up buddies or is it a lost cause? If I have stronger feelings for him than he does me, is it a good idea to get out of this situation?

Thanks!!

Ashley

Ashley,

Thanks for your question. You should definitely check out our e-report on the topic of Friends with Benefits.  (Last report on page after you click and go to Amazon)

We know this seems confusing because of the way he acts when he’s with you, but we think you should listen to your gut. Acting nice, holding your hand, talking sweet, even introducing you to friends is all a form of foreplay. Meaning, he knows he can’t just come over to your place on Friday and Saturday night without any sort of effort at all. So he’s putting in the effort required to get what he wants out of the situation. Also keep in mind that his hormones are probably raging after not seeing you for a week. If a guy is that excited, he’ll do, say, act however he needs to in order to get the woman in bed. It’s just the way we’re all wired.

Also, the fact that he’s not asking to spend more time with you during the week also points to the fact that he wants a FWB arrangement rather than something more serious.

Can guys move from a FWB to an actual relationship? Well, that seems to be the universal question. From our experience, we’d have to say no, or rather, it happens rarely. Sure, maybe a guy might give it a go just to see, but most often those attempts fail pretty quickly, and it goes back to a FWB or nothing at all. The reason? If he wanted something more serious he would have asked initially. Which means he’s already made that determination from the get go.

Sorry we couldn’t be more positive here. What we would suggest is that you talk to him. Express your concerns. Tell him what you want. What do you have to lose really? You’re already feeling somewhat uneasy about the arrangement. If he decides to move on, then so be it. But at least you’ll get some answers. Just be careful of one thing. If he tells you he really likes you and wants to be in a relationship, make sure it looks like that, and doesn’t end up being exactly what you have going now, but with a different label.

Finally: We don’t like to make decisions for people, but in general we’re not fans of Friends with Benefits for the simple reason that people tend to get hurt, especially women.

If you have any follow-up questions leave them below as a comment.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. And really, check out those e-reports. You might get some useful info there. Or read some other posts on your topic. Thanks!

Relationship Advice and Dating Advice about Friends with Benefits. FWB

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

 

 

24 Comments on Am I just a hookup for him?

  1. Thanks so much for the advice! Another question just for future reference, when a guy chooses a girl as a FWB, is it because he never wanted a relationship? Or is it because he wanted one, wasn’t into her enough, but still wants to hook up? In other words, does this outcome usually have more to do with him or more to do with something the girl did? I don’t really want to be put into the FWB category again in the future.

  2. @Ashley…..Glad to help. To answer your question. A guy initiates a FWB when he’s either not interested in being in any sort of relationship, or he’s not interested enough in the woman to want any sort of committed relationship. Honestly, we think it’s usually the latter. A guy makes an initial assessment and decides he’s into the woman enough to have sex with her, but not enough to hang out with her on a more regular basis. Although these days, it seems that many young guys think they’re entitled to do whatever they want. Apps like Tinder encourage this type of behavior. And the crazy thing is women seem to have resigned themselves to accepting it. You just have to decide if you’re going to be one of those women or not. Sounds like you’re making your own sorts of decisions and that’s a good thing. Happy Thanksgiving! Please spread the word about us if you could. Thanks.

  3. I’m in a similar situation and this post was VERY insightful. I want to bring it up to him but I’m not sure how… any tips?

  4. @Emily…….What exactly is going on? How long have you been hooking up? Fill us in a little.

  5. We’ve been hooking up for a little over a month now. At first, he seemed genuinely interested in me… dates, great conversations, etc. But the past couple of times it’s seemed nothing more than a hookup. We usually only go out on Fridays due to our schedules but we would chat a little throughout the week and now we don’t. The last time we hung out after we did the deed he seemed distant so eventually I just went home.

  6. @Emily…..Thanks for filling us in. We think it’s fair that if you’re having sex, you should be able to bring up the topic of defining the relationship. How do you do it? Well, maybe not before, during, or after sex. Maybe a morning coffee or a lunch date, if that’s possible. Some neutral place. But we’ll be honest, this doesn’t sound like it’s headed in the right direction. (Obviously your gut is saying the same thing.) So don’t be surprised if he’s wishy washy, or says he doesn’t want a relationship or some other excuse, like he needs more time. Remember, avoiding the answer, is pretty much the same as giving you one. We hope it works out. Good luck and keep us posted.

  7. Kristin // May 7, 2016 at 1:59 am //

    I’m sort of in a similar position.. Well actually I’m in a very confusing relationship and I’m not sure what to do about it. I met this guy over the summer, he ended up asking me out a few months later everything was going pretty well and we are exclusive with each other( from what I know). It’s his first real relationship and we actually ended up losing our virginities to each other 6 months later. He’s never been too great with texting maybe he will text me every other day “what’s up” he’s never called me babe or baby but he has used the word gf before. I figured because he’s knew to the relationship world he’s just confused and he’s only 19 well so am I but yeah so he is sort of immature. I never argue with him or bring up problems I’m pretty laid back and I give him space. What bothers me is that he’s constantly with his “boys” and never really makes time for me. We prob see each other once a week sometimes once every 10-14 days it’s crazy. To me I feel like this is a FWB but he did make plans for Valentine’s Day and he does pay for me and takes me out and calls me his gf so I’m here confused as ever. Now it’s been about 10 months, he’s cancelled plans on me a few times because of his boys and I started to ignore him but he always comes back to me. Sometimes though we go like 5 days without texting each other, I really don’t get why I guess we are both stubborn when it comes to who texted first. Anyways I guess I’m confused about what this is, it doesn’t feel like a relationship and I feel like he is mainly in it for sex bc he’s really excited with the idea of doing it with me and would always prefer to stay in my house if he can but then at the same time it’s been 10 months and I know he likes me a lot and I don’t even make myself so readily available. Sorry this is super Long, if you have any advice or anything feel free to tell me! Lol thanks

  8. @Kristin….We understand your questions, but our question to you is: What do you actually want to happen? Do you want him to be more attentive and treat you more like a girlfriend or are you not sure anymore? To us, it sounds as if he’s clueless as to what a relationship looks like. You’re right. He may say you’re his girlfriend but he’s not treating you like one. Well, he is and he isn’t. Paying for you is a good start. Making Valentine’s plans shows a little awareness. But prioritizing his “Boyz” over you tells us one of two things. 1. He just doesn’t get it. 2. He’d prefer their company to you, except for the sex. We asked you the original question because you need to figure out what you want. When you do that, you need to decide what you’re going to do about it. We think it’s time for a heart-to-heart conversation. Right now you’re letting it all happen. Being laid back is a great quality at times and works with certain types of people, but in this case it’s working against you because he’s taking advantage of you. (Although we don’t think on purpose.) We think it’s time to lay it all out for him. Otherwise this isn’t going to change, and if it doesn’t change, then yes, this is pretty much a FWB situation. Thoughts? Questions? Obviously this is your call as to what you do. We’re just throwing out some ideas. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends.

  9. Kristin // May 8, 2016 at 12:46 am //

    I totally agree with what you’re saying and honestly I like him a lot it’s hard for me to let go although I do know that I could do better and find someone more attentive, I just wish he would change rather than me find someone else. He really is a nice guy but for some reason his boys are always over me which i find weird because I know he likes me and it doesn’t seem like he’s just using me because it’s been quite a while and it’s not like the only thing we do is have sex. My friends think his boys influence him, they’re pretty immature and he told me they are into FWB so idk. I do know that I need to talk to him because I’ve been so easy going but I’ve been avoiding it because he’s the type of person that doesn’t argue at all. I thought me pushing away would bring him closer but I don’t really think it did. Honestly I wouldn’t be that opposed to being FWB but I don’t see how going from a relationship to fwb would work it’s a little weird. We never said I love you to each other so this isn’t exactly a serious relationship but I was expecting over time it would lead to something a little more than us ” chilling/hanging out ” but it’s like not going anywhere and idk if it’s just him and his personality or me. He just asked me to hangout tomorrow so it’s not like he doesn’t wanna see me but yeah idk I’m very confused, and if he is so clueless I don’t even know how to change him, I can’t change the way a person is you know

  10. @Kristen…..Before you capitulate and agree to a FWB ask yourself a question. Is that what you really want? Clearly, you have a good handle on what’s going on here. And it sounds to us that you kind of were hoping this might develop into something more serious. Clearly, it’s moving in the opposite direction. Honestly, we don’t think you’ll be happy in a FWB. That’s going to put you in an emotional holding pattern and prevent you from being open to other opportunities. Don’t you think? If he’s not going to step up to the plate, we’re pretty sure there are other guys who will. Your call of course, but don’t settle. You’ll regret it later. ps. Thanks for letting your friends know about us.

  11. Kristin // May 8, 2016 at 6:05 pm //

    Well I guess the only thing for me is that I don’t want to lose him and even though I don’t see him a lot, when I do see him I’m really happy being with him because I like him a lot and I can tell he likes me too he constantly smiles and blushes around me, maybe that doesn’t say that much but I feel like he doesn’t want to lose me either. Idk what to do in this situation because he’s not changing on his own and I don’t want to chase him away by talking to him. He’s just not mature enough yet to handle a relationship. Do you think I should just end things and try being friends or idk… Also do you guys think everything is an act just to use me for sex ? I didn’t think so but who knows guys do a lot to get in a girls pants especially when they’re inexperienced and still learning

  12. @Kristen…..It doesn’t sound as if he’s being deceitful, or manipulative, it just sounds like he’s young, immature and somewhat clueless. If you don’t want things to end then don’t bring it up. But we don’t think things are going to change. He enjoys your company, likes having sex with you, but wants to be free to do what he pleases, and that means hanging with his boys. (Do you know if he’s having sex with other young women? Would that change anything for you?) That might be important info to know.

  13. Kristin // May 9, 2016 at 11:56 am //

    That would change a lot of things for me because we never agreed to see other people. I don’t think he is being that he is a shy guy who isn’t really experienced and also the few times I brought up casually if he was he said I’m the only girl he’s seeing. Of course he could be lying but idk but if he was getting it from someone else why would he be so desperate to do it with me ? I mean do you think if I were to end things he would fight for me at all or just be totally fine with it ? I’m kinda afraid that he won’t care and I’ll just be upset knowing that

  14. @Kristin……We had to ask the question……Anyway, we understand your dilemma. (Correct us if we’re wrong) You don’t want to rock the boat for fear of losing him. But at the same time you have questions about what’s going on and you’re not completely satisfied with the way things are going, and with him. Our best guess is that eventually he’ll either step up to the plate and ask you to be his girl, or you’ll get fed up and finally decide to move on. If we were betting men, we’d have to go with the latter, just based on our experience. But we hope not. Per your question. Do we think he’d fight for you? We couldn’t even begin to guess. If he’s acting this way because of peer pressure then he might realize he’s being a tool and fight for you. If he’s acting this way because he’s keeping you around until he finds someone else, then he won’t. This is one of those situations where you’re probably going to have to be the one to push the issue. Sounds like you’re not ready to do that. So maybe see how things go until you are ready.

  15. Kristin // May 9, 2016 at 3:14 pm //

    He already did ask me to be his gf we have been dating for about 10 months that’s the thing. He doesn’t really treat me like a gf anymore but he still refers to me as his gf. I just can’t tell at all what’s going on in his head. Sometimes he takes me out and seems really interested in me and other times he will go all week without talking to me and then when he finally does it’s usually something sexual. I’m almost positive there is no one else in the picture so idk maybe he is just taking advantage of the fact that I’m nice and I never yell at him over anything he does wrong and he got used to it but correct me if I’m wrong if a guy likes a girl wouldn’t the guy want to see the girl at least once a week ? wouldn’t the guy change plans with his boys once to see his girl? also I wanted to say thanks for your great advice and I did tell some friends about this website! I really appreciate it, it’s hard dealing with situations like this without a guys input.

  16. @Kristin….That’s right. Of course…….Hmm…..Yes, a mature guy, or a guy who was in love would definitely want to see his girlfriend more often. In fact, he’d probably want to see her as much as he possibly could. Maybe you don’t have experience with this, so you’re willing to live with your current situation. So we hope one of two things happen. 1. He gets his shit together and starts treating you the way a guy should treat a woman. 2. You find a guy who will very much want you around all of the time. When that happens you’ll probably be relieved that you didn’t settle for current guy. No disrespect of course. Just trying to look out for you.

  17. @Kristin…..FYI: We just changed our answering policy. We’ll be answering new questions in the comments section on Thursday mornings only. However, since we’ve already started this thread with you, ask away. (Just a heads up for the future.) Typically, longer, more in-depth questions we answer via email. (Ask a Private Question option) Just providing some info. 🙂

  18. Kristin // May 10, 2016 at 12:58 am //

    Haha it’s okay I think I’m done with my questions anyways thanks so much for the advice I appreciate it and if I do have any other questions I’ll do it via email or in the comment section. Nice talking to you 🙂

  19. @Kristin…..All the best. Keep us posted.

  20. Hey guys, I am also right now in a situation like that. I got to know this guy about 5 months ago through friends and ended up hooking up right that same night. He wrote me right the next day and ever since we have been writing each other close to every day (he iniciated the conversations more often). His friends told my friend that they were totally surprised seeing us like that, since he usually does not do stuff like that. First it was a loooot of sexting etc (but also with a lot of him asking me questions and for some reason I was never unconfortable answering nor asking him back). Right now it is more about “how was your day?”, “what are you doing?” etc. about 2 months ago I was away for 4 weeks and we also kept in touch through text this whole time. After hooking up the first time we saw each other about 1 time a week but as I said, wrote about close to every day. Usually when we hung out we went out to drink something or just stayed at my place (typical hook up situation). About two weeks ago he wrote me that he is close by in a club and asked if I wanted to come so I went with a friend and met him and his friends there. The situation was a little weird because none of us knew how to act…but my friend said that she saw us really like a couple and that he was trying to be next to me close to all of the time. Last weekend he invited me to a concert of his band, where he was with me all the time but had to leave right after the gig because of all the equipment. His friend kept asking me what our situation is and I just told him that I don’t know and he should ask him. Now he is on tour for two weeks (left about 4 days ago), but we still talk for a little bit close to every day.

    I really can’t read him, because of some reason it just seems like a hookup for him (we see each other just one time a week, in the night, I see that he is liking pics of other girls on instagram so I am wondering if he is writing with them, too etc) but on the other hand I got to know his friends and brother (and he must have said something about me since one of them asked, and he gets in touch a lot, even though it is just to see how my day is going etc). I have the feeling that even though we have been sending text and pics (with sexual stuff) that he is really shy and therefore does not know how to act around me (stands next to me all night, talks to me but does not really make any move). I am thinking about talking to him when he get’s back, just to know where this is heading (fwb, maybe relationship) but I have the feeling that I will just scare him off. I am pretty sure that he is not hooking up with anyone else, but I am not sure if he is not also exchanging messages and pics with other girls). Sooooo what is your opionion on the situation? I would really like to get some insights because I am afraid to invest too much and then get hurt (I got cheated on in my last long term relationship, that is why I think I really don’t know how to act anymore).

    Thank you so much!

  21. @Mona…..So how old are the two of you? And has this been a once a week thing for the last five months? And no talk of a relationship or the future or anything?

  22. @All the Women out THere…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  23. Thanks for your quick answer 🙂 We look the same age, but actually I am 30 and he is just 27…but he knew that I was older than him before we started hooking up.
    Well out of the 5 months I was away for about 5 weeks but yeah besides that it has been a once a week thing. We talk a lot…he already told me tons of stuff about his family, him, past relationships and also asked me all that about my life (I got out of a relationship about a year ago where I was cheated and lied to for years etc). One time he told me about his brother always falling head over heels for girls right away and that he is not like that…that for him a relationship is something that has to develop over time etc. But it also came up, that he really never had a relationship that lasted more than a year, which led me to think that maybe he is just not a relationship guy?! Also: Check out the post, The Perfect Guy? We’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

  24. @Mona….Honestly, it seems like a hook-up situation. We know it may feel like something more, but it’s all about context. Have you read the post, Context is Everything? (Might be good for you to read.) We think it’s a good idea to talk with him. Five months is plenty of time for him to know what he wants, and what sort of potential he sees with you. Could your push him away? Sure. But if that happens you’ll have an answer to your question. You’ll know that he was only in it for the sex. Hopefully it doesn’t. So when you have this conversation—if you choose to; your call of course—try to get him talking. Don’t get upset, or accuse him, or be needy. Just tell him you really enjoy spending time with him and would like to get to know him even better by spending more time with him. And then ask him where he stands and what he wants. And then let us know what he says. In general, if he hesitates, or says he’s not sure, etc., you’ll have a pretty good idea where you stand and then you can make a decision based on the facts, rather than speculation. So what do you think? What’s your plan?

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