Am I twisted?

Dear Guys,

The guy I’m seeing, sleeping with, basically we’ve been doing whatever lately for the past month. He’s pretty possesive. He asked me to write his name on my….well you know. Like I’m his property. It’s different then anything I’ve ever been into, but it kind of excites me. I don’t know if I’m twisted, or if this is going to lead anywhere. But we both said we liked eachother and I don’t know if I should run away as fast as I can or try to see if we can have a relationship.

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

So what do you want? Should we assume you want a relationship with this man since you wrote to us to inquire what you should do?

As far as being twisted, well, what you do in your bedroom is your own business. Certainly you should only partake in activities you’re comfortable with, and if you feel this guy is being strangely possessive, well then you need to set clear boundaries with him. But otherwise, if you’re happy and fulfilled, then all the power to you.

But you need to start talking about how you feel with this guy. If you want a relationship, then you need to let him know that. Yes, there are no guarantees that he will be receptive, but if he’s not you’ll certainly have a better sense of how he views you. Because if you don’t say anything soon, you’re going to settle into a routine and end up becoming his booty call. You might say that’s okay, but trust us, at some point the excitement will wear off, replaced by anger and resentment.

Last Point: If you’re not going to communicate your feelings to him, you might want to think about running the other way.

THE GUYS

ps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. Leave it here in the comments section.

____________________________________________

Read Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” 

Start from the beginning:

Introduction

Chapter 1: Darryl

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 2 

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 3

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 4

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 5

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 6 (On Relationship Memoirs Page)

Chapter 2: My Two Experiments (On Relationship Memoirs Page)

 

16 Comments on Am I twisted?

  1. Thanks for the response.. I did tell him I was starting to fall for him and that I needed something more (exclusivity and more time together) He told me that at the moment he wasn’t ready to get into another relationship and It wasn’t me it was just the timing. I can get other guys but it’s starting to feel like a challenge just to get him to wanna be with me. I just feel like we’re similar for all the wrong reasons. And i’m crossing my own boundaries to keep him satisfied. I feel a bit weird for trying this hard, But i want him so bad. I even tried deleting his number out of my phone but I still find myself in touch with him. I Want to just have no feelings for him and not think about him with other girls, but i’d prefer just waiting it out. I thought if a guy wanted you , he’d make it happen?

  2. @Sarah…..That’s typically what happens. If a guy is truly interested he pursues. But timing does play a big role in relationships. And it sounds like he’s telling the truth, that’s it not you, but the timing. Question: So how are you in touch with him if you deleted his number?

  3. I can understand you situation. I’m slightly embarrassed asking for help with this but I need to in order to sort myself out. For the past 5 I have been faithful to a guy I had been dating. The last year though we have been off and on in a relationship. I had caught him 2 times before with cheating and still stuck it out because I was stupid and thought he had changed. We broke up in September but he constantly texted and called saying he missed me and wanted to work things out. For the past 8 month we were working on mending our relationship and I thought everything was going well. I found out last week he has been dating another girl for the past 8 months and sleeping with 5 other girls he met through Craigslist (or at least this is what the other girl told me when she called me at 5am from his phone when he was passed out drunk). I also found out that his parents (he’s 22 I am 24) keep talking about me to all of these other girls, its been a year since I have seen or heard from his parents why do they still feel the need to talk about me to everyone? He was taking me on dates and asked me to marry him saying he only wanted me and him to be together for the rest of our lives. He wanted us to move in and when I was contemplating a job in another state he even wanted to go with me. Once I found out about the other girls I blocked his number because I don’t know what else to do. One of his girls texted me at 3:30 in the morning to tell me he was arrested for a DWI. (Which I am being blamed for by his mom because if I had just stayed with him apparently he would have been driving drunk, which makes no sense). I don’t understand why 1) if he has all these other girls why couldn’t he just let me go when I was ready to be done with it? 2) why did this girl feel compelled to text me he was in jail? And 3) why am I stupid enough to still love and want to be with him? 4) why did he have to promise all the things he did like marriage and kids? Part of me wants to have him call or text me so I don’t feel like I just wasted the past 5 years of my life on someone that never cared. I just can’t let go of the feeling that I want him to care and miss me and realize that I would have done anything for him. I know that I will never be able to get past the trust issues at this point so we will never be able to get back together. But why do I want him to care? I just stay up and blame myself and think about what I could have done differently or what I could have changed about myself. I don’t want this experience to ruin my chances of ever being happy but I am having the hardest time not blaming myself and I fight the urge to text and call him because I figure if he cared he would have called or texted. I feel pathetic for still wanting some sort of acknowledgement from him. He controlled me while we were in our relationship to the point my friends are gone and I barely even know who I am anymore, I gave him my whole life and unconditional love, I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. I just don’t know what to do about all of my confusing feelings. I feel like I have hit rock bottom. As a side note this isn’t my first long-term relationship I have been in plenty of relationships prior and a couple were with guys that cheated on me as well, and I handled the break ups really well. I am just so confused right now and feel like I have hit rock bottom.

  4. @Dianne…We’re sorry you’re feeling so sad and down. But rest assured, your feelings are pretty typical in the type of controlling relationship you were in. And that’s the crux of all of this. The power in this relationship was not balanced. He had all the power. Or rather, you allowed him to have all the power by accepting his behavior and continually trying to work things out. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Love blinded you, and caused you to ignore many things you shouldn’t have ignored. It happens. The key here is to learn from this. You didn’t waste the last five years. We’re sure you had some good times mixed in with the not so good times. But there are some lessons to be learned here, and maybe you needed to go through something as difficult as this in order to be able to learn and grow. This guy is not the right guy for you. He’s not someone you can trust and he has his own issues to work on, if he ever realizes that. For you, you need to think about WHY you needed him to love you so badly. Why were you willing to sacrifice your needs in order to keep him? That would be the only thing we can see that you need to take a look at. As per the present: He’s still trying to control you in some ways. Obviously he talks about you with his parents and other girlfriends, and knows this information will get back to you somehow, some way. And the reason these other girls are contacting you because they know you were/are the only stable thing in his life. (He knows that too.) You ask, ‘why do I want some sort of acknowledgment from him?’ That makes complete sense. You want him to miss you. You want him to remember AND acknowledge that he made a mistake by treating you like crap, and then leaving you. You want him to realize how great you are. Of course you do! That’s also completely normal. But that’s partly your ego talking. Our suggestion is to focus on the questions we proposed to you. And then surround yourself with the people who love you: Friends and family. We also think it might be useful to you to speak with a professional about some of your thoughts and feelings. No shame in that. Take care of yourself. You’re strong. We can tell. You’ll be okay. Just keep talking about this. And please, please, please, don’t go back with him. Time to move on to the rest of your life.

  5. Thank you for your response. It gave me some reassurance about my feelings being normal. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I just can’t see it right now. I walked away from the dysfunctional relationship after one of the girls calling me last Saturday and I texted him saying I was done and knew about all of the girls and what not and then blocked his number. I am a rational person and understand that by blocking his number i wouldn’t know if he contacted me or not. My ego just thought he would chase after me (which I understand in my current mindset would just perpetuate the situation). I suppose that is somewhat normal. At the same time I am glad he hasn’t contacted me because I know I would fall for the manipulation and lies and get hurt again. I have never felt like this before after any of my relationships (even with other infidelities). I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I just lay in bed over analyzing the situation (typical move for a woman, or so I keep being told). I still can’t help but blame myself because I fell for his lies and went back. I didn’t have to go back to him but I really believed he was my soul mate and that we had already been through so much that we could work through that too. I believed love could conquer all, turns out it can’t. I just don’t want to care or love him anymore. I keep being told he will eventually contact me given his track record and controlling nature, I just want to be strong enough and confident enough in myself to not give in.

  6. I feel guilty? for blocking his number. Like I am some 15 year old that can’t handle a relationship breakup. Is that normal?

  7. @Dianne….You can’t give into him. Seriously. You feel guilty because a part of you wants to help him, or thinks you can maybe change him still. Forget it. He’s got his own work to do. You need to focus on yourself. Period!

  8. I agree,I know I need to work on myself because right now I feel like if I wasnt good enough for this jerk how am I going to be good enough for a nice guy when one comes around. I don’t need to give him a second thought but for the past 5 years I put his concerns and needs before mine and now I’m just left with my own and don’t know what to do about that.

  9. @Dianne…..Well, you’re not going to change overnight. It takes time to change the way you think, about relationships, about yourself. We encourage you to talk to a professional. (A counselor, a therapist.) Like we said, there’s no shame in that. More and more people are seeking support to help them work through various issues.

  10. Thank you

  11. I really want to thank you guys for your previous advice. I’m still having a rough time with all of this but when I feel sad I come back and read the advice you gave. I still haven’t heard anything from him which is bittersweet :/ I also haven’t heard anything from these other girls or his family which helps.

    I am not going to contact him because I am sure that would just boost his ego and make him feel better, and he doesn’t deserve that from me, does he just think this is temporary and I’ll be waiting for him? He used to come running back and begging and apologizing, showing up at my house, calling my family members, my work, leaving notes on my car.

    My family keeps implying I’m going to get back with him which doesn’t exactly help. They are really good about reminding me of my bad decisions I made in the past regarding this relationship. And my friends just think if we ignore the problem and never talk about it that it will go away.

    I don’t want to ask this because I just don’t want to feel like I’m the only one up at 4 am emailing strangers, you guys, about my problems, which in the grand scheme of things are not that significant. From a guys point of view, if I was so insignificant to him why did he keep coming back? Why propose to me when he had all these other girls? And try to convince me to have a baby with him? Do you think he will eventually try to contact me if I just keep on trying to heal myself? Can it really be that easy for him to forget me after 5 years? or is he just too concerned with his DWI case?

    Wow, I am sorry that I just vented all that, I just need to get it all off my chest. I know you guys aren’t counselors, or love gurus, but I have read through your other postings and I feel like you can be blunt without being harsh or demeaning like other sites. I am in the process of finding a group I can talk to about being in a toxic relationship like I was. I really am greatful google led me to your site though, even under these circumstances.

  12. @Dianne…….Thank you. We try to be honest AND helpful but not demeaning. Just like you said. And don’t feel funny about contacting us. Maybe we’re strangers, but we are people just like you. But we understand why you might feel that way. Look, this guy is all over the place. It’s obvious he cares for you, but it’s also obvious he’s incapable of a solid and committed relationship. He doesn’t know how to deal with the love that you’re giving him, or maybe love in general. It’s a big responsibility to love someone, AND to be loved. It requires attention, nurturing, and it needs to be fed often. He’s depleted, or he’s doing his best to deplete himself with all these other girls and distractions. What people do in this world is they do everything they can to distract themselves from the feelings they have. T.V, video games, parties, drink, drugs, girls, it goes on and on. People don’t know how to just BE anymore, and we doubt highly that he’s going to get to that place. So yes, he probably loves you, and a part of him wanted the things he proposed: marriage and kids. But then he got distracted again. And he’ll continue to get distracted again and again, even if the two of you work things out. You need to focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. Remember some of the things you love about you, and some of the things you love to do. If this requires shutting out some of the people close to you because they don’t understand then maybe that’s something to consider. And a support group is an excellent idea. Just be careful to remember yourself beyond the support group. Those groups help a lot of people, but be careful not to start defining yourself by the group alone. Does this make sense? ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  13. Yes, I understand what you are saying about not defining myself by the group. I do have some self confidence issue, like everyone, the general i wish I was a size smaller and what not. I never really let my guard down around people. I’m not excited about going to a group or counselor per se just because my entire life that idea has had a bad connotation, even though I know many people do.

    This is the longest I have ever been without hearing from him. During the day it is a little easier but at night and when I wake up its as hard as ever. I keep telling myself I am the one who said it was over after I talked with one of the girls he was messing around with and I texted him that morning telling him I knew about all of the girls and the lying and what not. I didn’t get a response for two days then blocked his number for 5 days thinking it would be easier. Turns out it wasn’t easy I just constantly kept wondering if he had tried to contact me, even though I know I would ignore the contact, I just want the reassurance of knowing he will contact I guess. I am tired of blaming myself for leaving and its almost like I feel I gave up on us even though I didn’t want to.

    Last Wednesday when I got the text from that girl at 3am saying he had been arrested I was happy, which is twisted but for a moment I guess I felt he got what he deserved. But then I started trying to find out what penalties would happen with that and researching good lawyers. I never contacted him but yet, I don’t know if it was out of habit or what, I was looking up all that information. I still deeply care about him even though I walked away. I really didn’t want to walk away. I just feel I had no other option.

    I just want to shake the guilty feeling because I gave up and walked away. Every time my phone makes any noise my heart races thinking maybe he emailed, texted, or called. There’s so much that I want to say and do even though I know it would just go back to the same thing. I just really thought he would have contacted me by now, even though I wouldn’t respond…

  14. @Dianne…..Well, keep us posted. And hang in there. Be strong and take care.

  15. kelly codling // April 16, 2013 at 6:16 pm //

    My first experience of online dating. My first experience of meeting someone who seemed actually perfect for me. Before we had decided to be exclusive I did sleep with someone else. But I did not think it was a big deal since we had only just met.
    A few weeks later he decided to stop seeing me. He was freaked out and said he wasn’t coming back. I took what he said seriously and during the time he was not seeing me slept with another two people because I was sad and lonely and depressed. Low and behold he comes back to me. And I take him back without question. We carry on and soon afterwards he asks me to be exclusive, which I was, completely. One evening several weeks later we talk about our past relationships. He realises that actually I have been with people more recently than I first made out. Instead of telling the absolute truth about when the last time I had slept with someone else I panicked and lied. It took me a week to work out that I was going to have to tell the truth and so I did – I told him everything. Against the advice of everyone in my life I told him everything. At first he seemed angry but said we could meet up and talk about it. Only a day after saying this he has sent me an email saying that he never wants to hear from me again. He doesnt believe any of the things I have said and I have totally reinforced what he thought about what he was worried about – that most women are lying and cheating and not to be trusted. I feel awful. I am beside myself. I sent him an email saying how I love him and that I am sorry and that I have been truthful about everything now and will be honest from here on. That I am waiting for him and will not go near anyone else. I am literally beside myself. Do you think he is ever going to forgive me? Or have I ballsed this one up completely and done too much damage? Please help.

  16. @Kelly…..He might forgive you but it’s unlikely he’ll come back. This isn’t about trust, or lack of trust. (Although he thinks it is) This could be bigger than that. This is something you need to take a hard look at for your own sake. (We’re just trying to be supportive. Honestly) It seems when you’re feeling sad, lonely, or unsure you’re looking for solace in a man’s bed. This doesn’t seem to be a very positive way of dealing with these emotions. Because in the end these trysts are just momentary distractions. And that’s what he’s likely reacting to. The fact that you weren’t able to let yourself be sad and lonely, and instead you looked for temporary sedatives. Also, guys really don’t like to think about their woman sleeping with other guys, especially if it just happened.

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