Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?


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Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc 😉 He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!


Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)


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9 Comments on Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

  1. Ok, so I have a friend that I’ve known since I was about 15. (40 now). We recently ran into each other after an 8 yr lapse in contact. Instant attraction/flirtation. Started sleeping together. He is hot and cold. Not an affectionate person because I know him like the back of my hand and know he was majorly screwed over years ago. I am 100% sure he is extremely guarded. We have so much fun together and have been doing all kinds if things. I recently lost a family member and especially now value all relationships I have. I actually have been having anxiety attacks when I am not with him. I am terrified of loosing not only my friend, but someone I believe I am falling in love with. I attempted to talk to him about my frustration of him being so hard to read. I attempted to ask him what “shelf” I belong on- the friend shelf, friend with benifits shelf or something more. I couldn’t even finish my sentence and he replied with “top shelf”. He is so used to keeping things in and it is literally driving me insane. I think about him all the time, but don’t really know about how to keep proceeding with this. I want to spit everything out but don want him to feel pressured. How do I do this? Like I said, this has my anxiety through the roof & actually have been having panic attacks almost every night. I am very affectionate, and he is not, nor ever was. We are awesome together bit it’s like I can’t turn my brain off. HELP! What do I say & how do I go about saying it without freaking him out?

  2. @Suzi…..We need a bit more info. What is his background? Divorced? Never been married? What did you both agree upon from the start? Or did you never discuss? Meaning, did he give you any sense of what he might want besides sex? Hang in there.

  3. Never married, last long term relationship he had- she slept with his best friend- but that was 15 yrs ago! I’ve said “i am glad to see you today” and i get the smile with “me too”. I always initiate. And like i said, he is hot and cold. The closer he is becoming, its almost like more of a wall is being put up. Straight up- i know he is probably terrified. Its so so so hard to discuss this with him. He even told my best friend he liked me more than friends. I am getting no where and totally stuck on how to move forward with the whole thing. What is good timing? There is no good timing. I have known him for years, so its not like a stranger i just met last month. HELP!?

  4. @Suzi…..You’re in a tricky position. You’ve already established a baseline for the relationship. Sex with no discussion of relationship. Which means, that shifting this into an actual committed relationship might be difficult. So what can you do? If you’re not happy with the current arrangement seems like you actually have to bring up that issue. Doesn’t it? Of course, if you do, you have to be prepared for the worst case scenario: He’ll end it. That said, you’re already feeling totally anxious now, and that’s only going to get more intense if this continues the way it’s going. And honestly, if he’s hot and cold now, that’s not the greatest sign. We’d recommend a heart to heart conversation, but there are absolutely NO GUARANTEES that that will work out. What do you think?

  5. So I’ll start from the beginning, we had been friends for about half a year before anything happened. We’d texted once or twice during that time period but nothing relationshipy/sexual was texted. Then I started hanging out at his place with groups of friends, we had never hung out alone before until one day I went over and hung out with him plus some other people and waited for my bestie to come pick me up since I was spending the night with her.

    9pm rolls around and our friends had to get going but I was still waiting on my friend since she was driving back from the beach. We’d never been alone together and it was a bit odd starting off but eventually he asks me if I wanted to take a shower with him. I accepted the invitation, I’m not naïve I fully knew where that was leading, and it lead exactly where I thought it would. After that night we didn’t text each other or mention anything about it.

    I assumed since he didn’t say anything that it was just a one night one time deal- that’s not what he had in mind. Maybe a week or two had passed I went over to his house to work for his grandma. We planned on me spending the night, on the guest bed of course and he would drive me home the next day.

    Late that night while we were smoking outside he put his hand on my thigh, no foreplay might I add, and started “playing” with me ( I was wearing shorts that made me quite easily accessible ) He’s well packaged so I thought “why not” and let him bend me over the table.

    The pattern continued like this for about five months. We’d make plans to hang out but every time he’d try and make sure we were alone at least once, and like the time I just explained there wasn’t any talk beforehand he’d just start touching me or kissing me. But I’m not going to lie after the third or fourth time I started to get a little attached ( that’s a lie I’m full blown crushing ).

    Now I know what you are all thinking at this point in time, he just wants to fuck me and I’m over analyzing because I want him to like me but just hear me out. He’s started to become more touchy over the past couple of months, we have never full blown cuddled but he has been leaning closer to me, bumping into me when he needs to get by, asking me to grab him things that he would ordinarily grab and then making skin to skin contact with me in the transaction that wasn’t needed or nessecary. I didn’t think much about that until it started happening more and more.

    Also sometimes he kisses me and sometimes he doesn’t. At first he didn’t seem interested in kissing me at all after our first time but then after quite a few times he started to kiss me occasionally, not every time but now more often then not he does kiss me. Also recently he’s been inquiring me about more of my kinks, and what he could do to make it a 10/10 performance from him. He is very obsessed with that score.

    We have become closer friends since we started hooking up ( or whatever we are doing we still don’t have a label on it ) and we both have made it very clear that we aren’t in a closed relationship, I had a moderately active sex life before him, though I have developed feelings for him I haven’t made any attempts to stop being as active and he is well aware of that. He also talks to me about the girls he is talking to but the thing is I’m the only one he’s been fucking. I’m sure he’s gotten bj’s and fooled around a bit but he would tell me if he fucked someone especially since I tell him because it o’ so convently come up every time we see each other.

    He was very competitive about it though, he wanted to fuck me best. If I recently had a fun endever he would perform extra well and ask me afterwards who was better, who was bigger, who made me climax first, etc., It’s like he needs to be the best fuck.

    He was telling me about this girl who he had made plans to fuck, how she wanted a relationship but he just wants to fuck her. They didn’t end up hooking up due to her period surprising her and he asked me if I thought he should fuck her. I had to contain myself from yelling “please don’t fuck her” instead I explained to him that she is already attached to you and fucking her would just make her more attached, she probably thinks she’s the only one you’re talking to. Then he said that he’s not going to fuck her. So he basically just turned down new pussy and fucked me instead.

    But here is where it gets super complicated. I dated his best friend and he still likes me and if we were to get together that would cause major complications between the two of them. To add onto that hurdle he liked this girl and she ended up dating another guy ( this was before I knew him ) but now she is back in town (single) and I guess he had feelings never fully put to rest, long story short she friend zoned him and she just found out she’s pregnant. He doesn’t talk/try to hang out with her anymore to my knowledge and sometimes he’ll just randomly say something really rude about her, or say “things would have been different if she chose to date me instead of him” so I have no idea where his feelings stand.

    If it’s obvious from everything I told you that he just wants to be FWB and I’m looking for something that isn’t their please just be brutally honest with me, I’m lost in what I should do and I feel like I’m torturing myself.

  6. I have been having sex with this guy since Sept 2016. At first it was a month hook up. After a few months it went do every 1 to 2 weeks. In Aug of 2016nhe had just got out of a 4 year relationship, and I a 17 year relationship.
    Each time I see him I’m asked to stay longer. And this last time I spent the night. Which I didn’t think should happen with a fwb situation. I have stated to him I like him and he has stated the same to me. At one time when he thought I was firing him he was quit upset.
    And he gets mad if I ask him if he is firing me.
    But I’m not sure where we stand.he has a certain situation which he could get trouble if any law found out that we were sleeping together. He is not have any sexual encounters with anyone with children under the age of 16. Both mine are.
    We have never been out on a date!but not sure if he is afraid since we live in a small area for someone to question him, or check up on him.
    But recently he kissed me in public which makes me wonder.
    He texts me everyday whether it be something small, like hi;) or to complain about being tired.
    I also know he has someone else, but tells me he is not sexually attracted to her. (He tells me everything, which I like) and he doesn’t lie, but I don’t ask him questions about who he has sex with or goes on dates with.
    So my question is, what do you think. Does he have feelings from what I told you? Also how to ask him what’s going on with us or if he is having sex with others. Do you ask “so have any good sec stories?”

  7. @Shannon…..It doesn’t sound as if he’s looking for anything serious. FWB don’t have rules. So sleeping over doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Honestly, there’s no clever way of asking him. You just have to ask. But there are no guarantees how it will go. If you push it, he may leave. That said, if he leaves, then you’ll know he was never serious in the first place and all he wanted was a FWB. Make sense. Any follow up questions?

  8. Shannon // April 8, 2017 at 7:15 am //

    Thank you for the comment. Follow up questions.
    How can you tell when it’s getting more serious?

  9. @Shannon…..FWB rarely evolve into something more serious. That said, if you really want a relationship not just a sexual arrangement maybe you need to put your foot down and ask him to define the relationship. Yes, there’s risk in that as we said, but it’s the only way you’ll know. Think about it. He’s getting all the perks of a relationship—fun company, good sex—without having to answer to you or anyone. We hope it works out but don’t let it go on in perpetuity.

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