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Getting Played: Trust your Gut
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Some recent questions:
So, I’ve been with this girl for more than a year. We had some problems in the begining that we couldn’t solve. It was part her fault, and part my fault. On many occasions I was really sure that we would break-up. But I love her, and she loves me. We’re still together, but these problems have not yet been solved though.
(BTW: I’m not a teenager, and this is not my first girl. I’m 29, but I’m confused as little kid back in high school.)
My girl is a dancer, and recently a new guy joined the dancing crew she’s in. And all of her friends tell him how good looking he is. And my girlfriend and all her friends follow every freakin’ thing he posts on Facebook. Three of her friends are married but still comment on every guy they see. That seems strange to me. Although, I still comment on some girls now and then. But they do it in front of their boyfriends and husbands.
My girl is pretty good looking, and I’m 90% sure this new guy is hitting on her. I don’t think she would cheat on me, but you know, when it smells like a crap, it could be crap. I’m not stupid, but this whole situation has really killed my libido. I used to be the cool and funny guy not but right now I feel really lame and weak.
Should I be worried? Should I leave her, or just calm down???
What should I really do? I’m really crazy about all that stuf
Dear Confused Guy,
Thanks for your question.
It seems your problem is less about this other guy and more about the divisions you still have in your relationship. From what you say the two of you are still working through issues. And if that’s the case, these issues are causing strife in your relationship, which in turn is causing you to feel insecure. So the first order of business is to address these issues by talking about them, or by seeking professional help—maybe a couples counselor—to help you work through them.
You’re no different than us. We get jealous just like you do. And if another guy enters our turf strutting his feathers, possibly trying to take what we consider ours—even though we understand we don’t own anyone—we get just as defensive and combative as you. But take a deep breath, and take a step back and see it for what it is. He’s just some good looking guy. If your relationship was solid, with good communication, trust, and love, no guy—no matter if he’s a movie star or athletic star—would have a chance to hammer a crack in the foundation.
So yes you should be worried, but not about him. You should be worried whether or not you and your girlfriend can fix what seems to be broken at the moment. Love is a good start to building a foundation, but it’s the day-to-day acts that make or break a relationship. A good question to ask yourself is: Does my girl have my back? Meaning, when she’s out in the world, is she considering you in the decisions she is making? And on the flipside, are you considering her? This goes beyond just being faithful to one another. This enters into every single decision you make from what you buy for dinner to what job you decide to take in your career path. When two people form a partnership they navigate the world together, and then an interesting thing happens: somehow life is easier and more fun, not more difficult.
Once you figure out the bigger picture, we imagine you’re not going to be as jealous and crazy as you feel right now. And as far as feeling week and lame, that’s normal. People react differently to these types of scenarios. Some guys come out swinging, and some guys pull back. You happen to be part of the latter group—the more reflective group. Hang in there!
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