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Booty caller wants a sleepover

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Dear Guys,

Let’s start here; I’m 20 and he’s 25. He is the older brother of one of my closest guy friends. I met this guy almost two years ago. When we met we both had just recently come out of serious relationships; his lasted 5 years and mine 3 years. I slept over (no sex) when we first started dating, this was about two months after I had ended my previous relationship. After three months of dating I broke it off-he didn’t have time to be in a relationship from my point of view. By this time we had a sexual relationship.

It’s been almost two years since then and we’ve kept in touch and kept our sexual relationship going. He’s made it clear that he’s not ready for a real relationship and I’ve accepted it. Every so often he’ll give me a call saying he misses me and that he wants to see me and wants to “watch a movie.” When we’re done “watching a movie” we’ll snuggle and listen to some music and pretty much just hang out. I always go home to sleep in my own bed. However, he’s tried to guilt me into spending the night a few times recently.  When I don’t want to go over or when I say it’s too late or that I’m tired he’ll just say “spend the night” or “we don’t have to have sex, just sleep over.” I’ve made it clear before that I wont be sleeping over. We both know we only have a sexual relationship (booty call in lesser terms) and spending the night has a little more meaning to me to start doing it in this kind of relationship. So my question is: why does he insist on asking to spend the night when he already knows I’ll say no? Isn’t the guy the one who should be running away from the sleepovers not asking for them?

Isabelle

Dear Isabelle,

Thanks for your question. This is an interesting reversal of the natural order.

We just need to ask you this question: If he WAS ready to be in a relationship would you be open to it? It sounded like you were interested in having a relationship with him in the past. Are you still? (Leave us a follow up comment.)

We’re not quite sure how to interpret your note. It seems that you like this guy but you’re keeping him at a distance by not sleeping over. This way you won’t get hurt. If that’s the case we think you really need to reevaluate what you’re doing. If you don’t trust him, why are still having sex with him? Do you really think it’s healthy for your overall state of mind? If you’re truly with him just for the sex, wouldn’t it be better to start dating someone else you can trust, and who is ready for a committed relationship? Check out our last post entitled, Friends with benefits. This might give you some additional insight into this type of relationship.

So let’s address your actual question.

We can think of several possible reasons he is asking you to sleep over.

1. He is lonely and would like to have someone in his bed for a night every once in a while. Yes, guys can get lonely too. Or even bored.

2. He wants sex in the morning too.

3. He actually has changed his mind and wants to start a more serious relationship with you.

Our initial feeling was: you should move on. But after reading your note several more times and discussing it, we’re not so sure. Maybe he has changed his mind about a relationship with you? We’re mixed on this. But here’s what we think you should do: You need to figure out what you want. It’s not clear to us what that really is. Once you figure that out, we think you’ll see things more clearly, and know how to proceed. Have you ever thought of asking him why he wants you to sleep over?

A “booty caller” relationship certainly can be fun, but after a while it’s like an endless holding pattern where two people circle and circle, waiting to land.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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13 Comments on Booty caller wants a sleepover

  1. Hmmm…I’m not sure what to make of this, so I’m going to defer to the Guys on this one.

  2. Loveorc16 // January 6, 2013 at 3:01 pm //

    I started dating someone but were still no commited to each other. He wants me to go to his house and meet his fam..and come to sleepover at my place. He is really sweet,but i dont know if its right to let him sleepover without any commitment..?how can i tell him that without hurting him or something. How can i get outcof the situation?

  3. @Loveorc16…..You tell him the truth. He should understand without having his feeling’s hurt. If he gets hurt or freaks out it will just be him trying to manipulate you. (We don’t think that will happen) If it does, then you’ll see his true colors and you’ll know that he doesn’t feel the way you feel. Take this slowly and go at the pace you’re comfortable going, not the pace he wants to go. Any more questions? Good luck and keep us posted. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks!

  4. I am going through a similar situation! I was talking to a guy for a few months, it became sexual and he got a bit distant after we had sex. So naturally, i cut it off. He hits me up a month later and apologized and said he isn’t ready for a commitment and wants to try to be just friends..but then a couple of days ago he is literally begging me to sleep over! So i cave in, fooling myself it wouldn’t get out of hand (even though we i kept my clothes on..he on the other hand lol not so much), and stayed the night. And i have to admit, it was great to wake up next to him…but yeah, why ask me to spend the night if you want to be just friends?! I mean, holding my hand while we kissed and while we were touching eachother..kissing my feet just because he was at the foot of the bed..I’m so lost and confused. Why do men give such mixed signals!!?!?

  5. @EchoLove….He’s not giving you mixed-signals. That’s your interpretation. He wants to sleep with you, that’s why he’s asking you to sleep over. He wants a FWB arrangement or something along those lines. We advise against it. You’re going to get more confused and hurt.

  6. IM IN A STICK SITUATION…ME AND THIS GUY MET WE HUNG OUT WENT OUT TO DINNER A FEW TIMES (AND I JUST GOT OUT OF A MARRIAGE I DIDNT WANT TO BE IN ABOUT 2MTHS BEFORE WE MEET) SO IT WAS SAFE TO SAY I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WANTED HE CALLED ME ALL THE TIME, AND WOULD TEXT ME ALOT. I WENT TO HIS HOUSE TO MEET HIM AFTER ABOUT 1 MONTH AND TOLD HIM I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WANTED I WANTED TO HAVE FUN.SO WE DID JUST HAVE FUN.(HE SAID HE WANTED A RELATIONSHIP)BUT I DIDNT…ABOUT A MONTH LATER I CHANGED MY MIND AND STOPPED SEEING HIM BECAUSE I MEET SOMEONE.ME AND BILL DATED FOR4 MONTHS I BROKE IT OFF WITH HIM. AND WHAT HAPPEN MY F.W.B GUY CALLED ME AT MY WORK ASKING WHAT HAPPEN AND IF I WAS DOING OK,AND WHY I JUST LEFT. I TOLD HIM I MEET SOMEONE HE WAS UPSET WHY? I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULD BE MAD? AND HE STATED WELL AT LEAST YOU GAVE HIM UR ATTENTION AND WASNT TALKING TO ANYONE ELSE (HUH)THEN SAID YOU JUST DROPPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND THEN I FIND OUT YOUR DATING SOMEONE? ITS BEEN 2 MONTHS SINCE HE SAYS HE DOESNT WANT A RELATIONSHIP CUZ HES WORKING 3 JOB (THIS IS TRUE ABOUT THE JOBS)AND THAT IT WOULD DIMINISH BECAUSE HE WOULD BE ABLE TO PUT AS MUCH TIME IN AS HE WOULD LIKE TO (AND HE HAS HIS KID EVERY OTHER WEEKEND) BUT STILL WANTS ME TO SPEND THE NITE I WONT NO MATTER WHAT IM NOT GETTING HURT AND I HATE TO CUDDLE. I LIKE BEING FWB BUT IS THAT ALL HE WANTS CAUSE I DONT WANT TO HURT HIM ..I HAVE A KID AND WORK AND GO TO SCHOOL SO IM ALWAYS BUSY ALSO/WE MEET UP WHEN I SAY. WHY TRACK ME DOWN..(HE DIDNT HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER ANYMORE WHEN I WAS WITH BILL)AND I HE ASK ME HOW MY DAY IS AND WANTS TO TALK BEFORE AND AFTER SEX? I DONT WANT TO TALK BECAUSE I DONT THINK HE SHOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE NOR I SHOULD ABUT HIS AND YES IVE TOLD HIM THIS (THAT CAUSES FEELINGS WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW A PERSON) JUST NEED A MANS POINT OF VIEW. MY FIRST FWB AND LAST DAMN:)

  7. So I made the mistake of sleeping with my best friends crush. He asked me to be fwb the first couple weeks it was sex and leave but now he’s asking me to stay all night and sometimes the weekend with him. I don’t know if I should I always make up an excuse to not stay the night

  8. @Justice……We don’t judge here but we do try to be honest. It sounds like your initial “mistake” has now turned into a series of mistakes. So what’s going on? Do you like this guy? And does your best friend know? Seems to us that you need to decide which relationship is more important. Are you willing to sacrifice your relationship with your best friend for this guy? And as per this guy…..we’re not sure what you’re asking really? Are you asking if he likes you or just wants sex?

  9. I like him as a person. I don’t ever see us being more than just fwb. But he’s asking me to keep staying the night and I don’t know what to do. Like its a everyday thing when he askes me to stay the night. And if I do he’ll ask to me to stay continuously. Like I just don’t understand because it’s usually a big no no when staying at your fwb

  10. @Justice……Sounds like he might want more from you. Have you asked him what he wants? And you still haven’t said anything about your best friend? Is all well on that front?

  11. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  12. Marissa // May 12, 2017 at 7:02 pm //

    Hi,

    ive been “talking” through text to a man i met 2 months ago. I was out of my home state and in his. The reasoning was i was looking to relocate bc of my career and scoping out the new city id be soon calling home. We’ve only been on one date while i was there in March. It went well, we talked and flirted, had a few drinks. Then he took me back to where i was staying. He parked the car and went in for a romantic light hearted kiss. I sat in his lap and we just talked and laughed. Just flirty and lighthearted. Then we hugged and i said goodbye. He was definitely into me by the texts. He kept things light and there was a general interest to get to know me, although i was leaving to go back to my hometown in a few days. So, we only saw each other once and then i went home. Days went by and he would text me, “i miss you”. in which i replied “same” and then again in days following he would continue his “i miss you” text and i would reciprocate and tell him i missed too. He texted me “please move here so we can go on dates and get to know each other better” and “that we could enjoy all the sunsets and restaurants by him”and “spend nights over at his place”. He would say things like “cant wait to finally take you out”and it was definitely mutual. He’s a very handsome man and well u can say im definitely attractive, 5’0,110 lbs blonde hair, blue eyes. Its been a good texting courtship. I had been thinking about him alot last weekend and hadnt gotten moved yet. It was the weekend of cinqo de mayo and i missed out bc of an immediate death in our family and so i missed out and my move had gotten delayed. When i added him on snapchat, i saw where he was alone and drinking alone. He was out at some little dive, his uncle was playing guitar on stage and he was clearly alone. The next day he messaged me, “i need you love, affection, touch and booty” at 1 in the afternoon. In which i responded back, “i want yours too”. He says “prove it lol” and “Can we make love tonight” I sent him a sweet picture of me, just a face pic in which i was giving a sweet little grin with some hearts attached to it & replied “i bet your love making is the BEST” and he says “That doesnt answer my question lol”. I basically told him, “How about we post pone the love making. Things are always better with time” “But id love to make love with you babe” with a kiss face emoji attached. He seemed short with me in the texts by just replying “ok” and when i told him i was moving the next day he also said “ok” and then when i asked him if he enjoyed cinqo? he replied “sure” … to which i replied “Time is always better with someone who means something” His next reply was “Right, and love making would be perfect before you left” “But Ok” “Clearly i dont mean much to you” At this point, i was hurt and thinking what the fuck? really hurt my feelings. I like this guy and hes getting butt hurt bc im not accepting and buying into the sexual responses he’s throwing at me. I LIKE HIM ALOT. I told him “thx:(” after that last text he sent. Then 5 minutes later followed up with “Do u not know that women are emotionally driven, while men are physically?” “i want nothing more than to be in it all the way with you, but dont you want it to be special?” His reply “It would be special, but whatever” “Have a good day” “safe travels” So i texted him back “Why do you get so mad” “Your messages really made my day in the beginning and then you mad. ;( Do you think i enjoy being single and putting Colorado and YOU on hold? Id love to be out with u all night, your girl, and us being something special. And all that it includes…. Romantic things are special to me. Just knowing you mean it, means everything.” To which he replies with “ok” So the next day hes still obviously butt hurt bc i didnt hear from him. i was documenting my 1200 mile drive on snapchat, basically just taking pics of the ozark mountains and again at the waterfalls in mammoth springs. A bunch of scenic pics. Late that night, he messaged me on snap chat saying how he wanted to take me out for the most romantic date night when i get there” and even said “love ya”….. i could tell he was just waking up, bc he gets up at 6am and goes to bed early. He had made it a point not to look at my snaps all day bc he was upset with my answer to his original question about making love. SO, i know that he went to bed without viewing them… then later, woke up to view them. Thats when he made the statement about our romantic date night that he wants to plan and “love ya” All i said back was “melt my heart” followed with a heart. And he said, “Always will do” and i said “Already feel it” with a heart and flame emoji. Our texts have been light but also with feelings in them…. although we have yet to hangout. Its Friday night and this is my first official weekend that im here in his home state. We havent been out yet since ive been in town, but was thinking he may probably ask me out for tonight seeing as how this whole build up has gone. Its been 2 months since we went out for our first date and hes been in contact with me. I really like him and want things to develop in an organic natural order. This could be something very special, and i want it to be. I just want him to take it slow with me. I think hes very smart and knows i really like him too. Just sensing some male sexual frustration. I want this to be real, but if he cant use some self control then it really makes me question his motives as well as making me feel sad, bc hes getting all upset bc i didnt give him the answer to his sexual question that he wanted. I feel as a woman, its in our power to guide the date and not give him the idea that its gonna end in sex. I want nothing more than to have a loving, committed relationship where sex is involved but we’re still in the beginning stages of dating and i want things to happen the right way, not jump the gun because he was horny and couldnt exercise self control. I am definitely the type to get attached bc sex is involved. I want it to be a mutual thing to where he wants to make me his girl and us be exclusive before i give it up to him. I need some reassurance and i have to trust him. Its now friday night, and its 5:00 in the afternoon. i havent heard from him just yet about any plans so im kinda anxious about things. Any opinions or “outside looking in” responses are definitely appreciated!

  13. @Marissa…..For a question this long and complex you need to choose the Ask a Private Question option on our site. Sorry. If you do choose that option, no need to retype. We can reference it here.

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