Something has come up recently that is bothering me, but I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m hoping you guys will help me sort through it.
I have a close group of friends, guys and girls, and there’s a lot of banter back and forth that sometimes gets out of hand. You know, like sexual innuendo, and other stuff like that. However, recently it has gone to the next level of flirting and my boyfriend is involved in this with my friend. Since it was all in fun, and there was drink involved, I didn’t think much of it.
However, this flirtation continued on text the next night. I won’t go into the conversation but it was pretty detailed about what they were into, but not about each other. More about how horny they were and how into sex they were, but not necessarily with each other.
I found this out because he let me use his phone’s GPS since I had a job interview. A text popped up from her, which led me to see the whole thread. (Sorry I couldn’t help myself)
Now I don’t know what to do. Should I say something? Should I dump my boyfriend? I’m interested in your opinion on the situation.
We’re surprised quite frankly with the extremely bad judgement and inappropriate behavior by both your boyfriend and your friend.
You need to start by talking with your boyfriend because he’s supposed to have your back. When he’s out in the world he should be constantly saying to himself, “Would Melissa be okay with this? Am I being respectful to her? Am I being respectful of our relationship?” In this case he thought only of himself and how fun it would be to have a dirty, flirty conversation with your friend. Yes, you’ll have to reveal how you found out: by snooping on his phone. But don’t let him try to turn this around on you. He crossed the line and needs to explain his behavior, apologize and promise that it will never happen again. Then you need to ask yourself if you can truly trust him again.
Next you need to sit your friend down and talk about boundaries. She either doesn’t care or she’s clueless, but either way she crossed a line that should never be crossed. She also needs to apologize and promise that it will never happen again. Maybe it was innocent, but why your boyfriend? Why not one of the other guys in your group? Something for you to think about.
Melissa, relationships are built on trust, mutual respect and love, among other things. It sounds like some of these qualities are present in your relationship. However, relationships require tuneups periodically. Sometimes even complete overhauls. Your relationship is at a crossroads. We’re not at all saying it’s over, but this incident shouldn’t be swept under the rug. This needs to be hashed out through some heart-to-heart conversations. You need to find out if something else is going on with your boyfriend, something bigger. The actual event can easily be worked through, but if there are bigger issues swimming under the surface, then you need to address them.
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ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks!