Boyfriend still has feelings for his ex

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Dear Guys,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about two months. It seems like a short period of time. For me it was beautiful and enough time for me to fall in love with him. He broke up with his ex-partner of 2 years about a month before meeting me. We met in February and were together in March. We’ve been together ever since. Suddenly his ex found out he was with me and she demanded to see him. When I spoke to my guy he told me it was over between them and that was beyond repair. I trust him for this. But he also told me he still has feelings for her. And that he still wants to be with me too. He said he understood if I wanted to leave him because he still had feelings for her. I asked him why he got with me when he had feelings for her, and asked him if I was a rebound. He said that I was not a rebound. Then I asked him if he was with me just for sex. He said he enjoyed me for everything. Meaning not just sex, but also my company etc. I love him. I dont want to lose him. It hurts me that he still has feelings for her. When we got together, we played together, we laughed. We had small issues where he was jealous of the amount of men approaching me. We resolved this gently and we were going great. After his ex contacted him, we weren’t so playful anymore. He barely even kisses me. I’m ready to accept he still has feelings for her, and that he will get over her in due time -because he told me they were beyond repair. But the pain is still there. He is good to me, but I feel broken. I know he is too. I love him. I want to stay with him. I’ve had many boyfriends before him. and never did it hurt me to leave them when they betrayed me. But he is different. He is 20 years older. I love his eyes, his hair, his faults and his brilliance. I do not know what to do. I dont want us to end.

Leila

Dear Leila,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s entirely possible that your new boyfriend has feelings for his ex and for you at the same time. Even if his previous relationship is beyond repair, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her, or has forgotten all the good times they had together. Just like you might remember many of the fun times you had with your ex-boyfriends.

The issue here is time, or lack of time, between his break up and the beginning of your relationship. People often need more time than a month to heal from such a monumental loss or change. He was with his ex for two years, which means it could take him quite a long time to be truly open to a new person.

Are you ready to be patient Leila? Because if you’re not, you need to move on now. This could be a long process. And frankly, he still seems emotionally “open” to his ex, which does not bode well for any type of new relationship. It sounds like they’re still in the “extracting stage,” which can sometimes involve emotional outbursts, passionate pleas, and even hooking up a few times. We would recommend keeping a low profile during this time. There’s certainly no reason you couldn’t date him and enjoy his company, but we might hold off on any more serious physical activity(sex) until he’s a bit more removed from her.

But break ups and beginnings are never really “clean” anyway, so even if he’s finally broken off all communication with his ex, or at least nothing more than the occasional phone call, if for some reason they try to remain friends, which is unlikely, he’s still going to have a place in his heart for the memories of that relationship. But it’s still possible to begin a new connection with you even after he’s truly extracted himself. And as things progress with you, hopefully, the luster of these memories will fade, and the more present moments with you will take over the forefront of his mind and heart. We just don’t think he’s quite ready yet.

We know you think this man is special but don’t wait forever, and don’t sacrifice everything just to be with him. What we mean is don’t sacrifice who you are and who you want to be, just to be with this man. Twenty years is quite a gap, and although it’s not impossible to bridge that gap, he has a lot of time on you where he’s explored and lived. Don’t stop living your life and pursuing your goals to be with him or any man. Stay true to yourself.

Keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment or comments.

THE GUYS

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9 Comments on Boyfriend still has feelings for his ex

  1. @Lia……If he’s still open to his ex, then he either is still in love with her or has unresolved feelings for her. However, it’s also important for you to understand that, if he was in love with you, he might not still be open to her. Sounds like he needs space to figure this out. Just make sure if he does come back that he’s not settling for you, and that he truly is over her and committed to you AND in love with you.

  2. @Lia…..We’re just seeing this comment now. Maybe he just needs to resolve a few things, or maybe he does feel guilty. Whatever it is, you need to give him the space and time to do so. That said, it’s also okay to state how you feel and what you want. We’re not saying that you should give him an ultimatum, but if he truly wants to be with you, he’ll do what he can to make that happen. During the break, you can’t do anything. But if he is truly into you, you won’t have to. He’ll just miss you. Keep us posted. And we hope you’ll share our site with friends. (Also, check out our e-reports on the seven most frequently asked questions.)

  3. thanks so much guys! I literally just told my friend about you guys lol but I’m trying my best to give him space, yesterday was the first full day we didn’t speak. I figured since he saw me everyday since the first day we met he just needs some time to actually miss me. The ex has mutual friends & appeared on one of the friends social media sites which I believe made him begin to think about her. Is it possible this is just him caring about her well being after her recent break up & not that he’s in love with her? Since he’s had plenty of times over the past few years to feel this way but didn’t think twice about her? I guess I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around how he could spend everyday/all day with me, introduce me to his family & everyone he knows and then end up feeling like this. Even his siblings and mom seem to think he’s in love with me. He’s wanted to date me for years now but I just never noticed him until recently. This entire thing has taken such an unexpected turn I’m just hoping we can make it thru this ):

  4. @Lia……..We understand this must be really confusing. Hang in there. But to reiterate: It’s fine to give him space, and be understanding right now, but if the two of you work this out—we hope you do—there needs to be a balance of power where both of you are able to communicate what you need from each other and a relationship in general, not just do things on his terms. Keep us posted. Take care.

  5. I’m in the same situation somewhat. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for two years. And his ex and him had been broken up for 3 years around that time. Recently, things have been edgy. And we decided to take a break. We got into a big argument 3 days ago. And was on the bridge of breaking up. We spoke last night for the first time again. Then all of a sudden he told me he still loves his ex. The argument from 3 days ago was that he spoke with his ex to rekindle their friendship. Which was strange to me because we were on break and they spoke. He told me nothing of it Until the day we stopped speaking. But then he said he wanted to be with me. But he’s going to have to tell her that they can’t be friends anymore. I asked him if you two are just friends then why should she know about us and why should you stop speaking? He then said he needed time to think about our relationship. Which pissed me off to the point that I told him that he can have. Which was why we stopped talking. So last night he came clean about still loving his ex. I was in a state of shock that I didn’t even have anything to say. And this is why he wanted more time to think about our relationship. Even though he told me their relationship is beyond repair he said that if we broke up he might want to date her. I’m so confused and hurt. This past week has been hard for me. Im over my ex and I don’t speak to them unless we are having a group debate on social media about games which my bf is always in. I really don’t know what to say to him because it’s like he never moved on. And in the beginning and even now he said I help him forget about her. I feel like I was the rebound. I asked him was I a rebound and he gets mad and says no. But I just don’t understand. He said he loves me. But now I don’t know what to think. I told him that I’ve had enough and I don’t think this is something I can do. But he keeps asking me am I sure. I really don’t want it to end, but I think it might have to..

  6. @Gabby…..Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like he has unresolved feelings towards her. Did she break up with him? If so, he might still need closure, or feel that he never got closure, or secretly wished she hadn’t broken up with him. The other thought we had is this. Part of him still being open to her is the fact that he’s not sure about your relationship and you. (Sorry to say that. We know that might be difficult to hear.) But much of the time when people stray, it’s because they don’t feel satisfied with, or valued within, their current relationship. We wish you the best. Keep us all posted.

  7. He told me before that they both agreed to break up. And he says that I make him happy and made his life easier. But since the argument he told me that he still loves her and has feelings. But is willing to make our relationship work. I don’t understand how he can say he loves me, but still loves her too. I don’t think I can be with him, because one moment hee wants to be with me then the next he says he wants time to think about it. I’m so confused, I asked him why did he get with me if he wasn’t over her and he said he really liked me but was unaware of his feeling for her still being there. I do remember when we went on break he said he didn’t like breaks because he did the same with her and she went and dated someone else. And he regretted that since. I’m honestly ready to give up…😟😟😟 because I don’t understand.

  8. @Gabby…..We are sorry. We can understand how hard this is for you. Obviously this is your decision but we’d like to remind you of something. Don’t settle. Your partner should love and respect you the way you love and respect them. They should think you’re the jackpot, not the consolation prize. You take care.

  9. @Leila I am totally in the same situation.my ex still texting and flirting with a girl he had a fling with back in high school. She has a boyfriend nd she nd my bf agreed to try stay away from each other as they are both in serious relationships. He admitted to having feelings for her.he says although he has these feelings they are not enough to b in a relationship with her.he says he loves me and that our relationship is the best relationship he’s ever had.he says the one part of the reasons he flirts with her is coz I don’t flirt with him so basically he is lacking that in our relationship so he feels like flirting with the ex fills that part in our relationship. Other thing is he feels the need to confide in her when he’s going thru a hard time coz he says she has been thru most of the things he is going thru so he feels like they can relate.while confiding in her it leads him to flirt with her.I hv decided to give him space to figure out this then c if he still wants to b with me or not coz he says he wants to destroy these feelings he has for her coz I’m more valuable to him.I don’t want to lose him but if he can’t figure out this he will leave me no choice but to dump him.

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