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Boyfriend talks to ex behind my back

woman texting on mobile phone

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Dear Guys,

Yes, I am a jealous person and have had trust issues related to my past experiences with ALL people. I love my boyfriend SO much. He makes me so happy and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But there is only ONE problem that I can’t seem to get over. He texts his ex-girlfriend. I have looked in his phone and Facebook page Yes, that was wrong of me, but I believe in an open relationship and that there should be nothing to hide. I keep MY things open (phone, laptop, iPad, etc…) Everything should be open. We’ve argued about this before. I don’t mind him talking to other people, but when it comes to past ex-girlfriends NO!!!!, I start to worry and fear being hurt.

He told me that he would choose me over her any day because he loves me so much, and I believe him. He agreed to stop contacting her. I also told him that if he sneaks around my back and texts her that we could no longer be together.

Here is my current dilemma: I found out that, after promising that he’d stop talking to his ex, he started messaging her again 3-4 times a week. Telling her that he loves her, and that if she wants him back she knows how to get him. That he loves her and her girls. That he is In love with her.

When I saw this, it upset me BIG TIME. How do I know if he really loves me and wants to create a future with me when he’s going behind my back and telling his ex that he still loves her and wants her? I don’t know what’s worse: him telling her that, or him lying to me again, and breaking his promise of not messaging her. I don’t know who he is playing, her or me.

Any advice? Please? Im hurting.

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

We’re very sorry. Betrayal is so hard. It undermines trust, and without trust, most relationships eventually run their course and end. Hopefully, the two of you can figure this out and move forward in a positive way.

It’s time for a heart-to-heart conversation about his communication with his ex. Of course, speaking of trust, he’s going to feel that you betrayed him by going through his phone. When you bring up the topic of his texting the first thing he’ll cite is your snooping. (You need to be ready for that.) Yes, you snooped. And yes, that’s not the best way to go about getting information. That said, the fact that you found damning evidence trumps his feelings of betrayal. He should not be saying those things to his ex-girlfriend if he’s with you. But more importantly, if he truly feels that way, then he needs to be honest with you.

However, when you bring it up, we advise you to focus on how his behavior makes you feel rather than accusing him of this or that. Why? Because this approach will be more effective for you. Decide what the goal of the conversation is for you. Do you want to get back on track with him? Do you want to hear the truth? Do you want to tell him off and leave? What is it? Also, it might be important to find out if he’s actually seen her or seeing her behind your back? Or if he’s even told her about you? Basically, come up with a plan before you start the conversation, otherwise, these types of conversations can often spiral off topic because emotions take over.

Finally Lisa, you need to ask yourself an important question: Do you feel like you can truly trust this man again? This is the second time he’s betrayed your trust. The last thing you need is to be with someone who you constantly feel worried about. You might love him, but without trust, you don’t have a foundation to build on.

We hope it works out for you. If the two of you want to stay together you might want to consider some sort of couple’s counseling/therapy. Let us know if you have any follow-up questions or thoughts. Leave them in the comments’ section below.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice about trust issues. 

 

 

10 Comments on Boyfriend talks to ex behind my back

  1. Kyle Poulsen // April 9, 2016 at 9:00 pm //

    I’m a Sophomore in high school and there’s this girl I really like. I’ve decided I was going to ask her out, but I don’t know where we should go. There is a fundraiser/dance at our school, but I’m not very good at dancing and it’s usually more adults than students. I also thought about asking her out to dinner and a movie. Both I and her haven’t dated anyone yet and so I thought the school dance wouldn’t be as intimidating. Where should I ask this girl out to? And how should I ask her? Thank you!
    -Nate

  2. @Kyle…..Thanks for your question. It’s important to figure out what you want to get out of the date. That will determine where you take her. For example: If you want to get to know her, and talk to her, a movie might not be the best idea. (Hard to talk at the movies.) You also want to be totally comfortable yourself. If you’re not, then she won’t really get to know the true you. (We’d say skip the dance if you’re not comfortable dancing.) What about something during the day? A bike ride. A walk. Lunch. Coffee and cards. Tennis. Something during the day is not as intimidating as an evening date. If you were older we wouldn’t give that same advice because sometimes a daytime date is not as clear. Meaning, a woman might interpret it a variety of ways. “Maybe he just wants to be friends?” However, in high school, asking a girl to do pretty much anything is a clear declaration that you like her. These are just some ideas to get you thinking. So what do you think? (We do like your idea about two activities. A walk/lunch. Coffee/cards. Bowling/early dinner. That sort of thing. Let us know what you decide. ps. We hope you let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  3. I like your answer to Lisa’s problem. Same here, I am facing it currently. I tried to ask him i a nice way, yet he denied. Ive seen a text message without name saved, the messages says her ex refer him (my husband) to her officemate as supplier of something, my husband worked as salesman. How come she refer my husband? they arent friend at any social media.

  4. @Zirjhell…..We’re not sure why she would refer to him that way. Sounds like you need to talk to him a bit more about this issue.

  5. My boyfriend and I, broke up for a week, while I was pregnant with our twins. We were back together the following week. A couple months later our twins were born. While in the hospital recovering from my C-section, I was looking at a food menu on his phone, when a message from his ex popped up. It was from messenger on FB, so I could see the message as it popped out of the side of the bubble. It said “I heard the twins were born, are you more at ease now? Do you think they’re yours”!! Well, obviously I had to say something. He just told me not to worry about it. As said before, I had just delivered our twins, and was pretty emotional. So, when he said not to worry about it, I had him removed from my room, so I could think. We are currently still together, but i think about this on a daily basis, and it’s interfering with my everyday life. I do love him, but I’m not sure I can forgive him, or where to even start trying to forgive him. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

    Thank you, Sheila.

  6. @Sheila…….Honestly, your question deserves a more in-depth discussion and probably more than we can provide here in the comments section. (You might want to consider choosing the Ask a Private Question on our site so we can have more of a conversation. Yes, there is a fee so read testimonials on our Relationship Advice/Coaching Page to see what clients say about us. No pressure, just trying to help. Your choice.) That said, you might want to start by sitting him down for a heart-to-heart talk. Question: Why would she say that to him? Is there a question in his mind as to whether or not the twins are his or is it her trying to drive a wedge between you?

  7. So I’ve had this problem with my boyfriend for 3 years now. His ex cheated on him and he broke it off and when he did, she started dating the guy she cheated on him with . I then started talking to him and we started a relationship. He told me about his trust issues and I’ve had the same problems in my past relationships. All I have been is cheated on when I was only so loyal. Anyways. We’ve been together for 3 years and his ex is obsessed with the both of us and our relationship. We broke up once and got back together and she was the reason and my boyfriend constantly reminds me she’ll never get in between us again. Recent she has and he’s been talking to her behind my back saying the exact same thing that Lisa’s boyfriend did. Things like he doesn’t want to be with me but when I confronted him about it he told me it was all so he can let her down easy or whatever and I didn’t believe it because that would only make a person more obsessed. And she’s still a problem but not for a few months I guess. I don’t know if they’re laying low because I’ve seen proof that they were actually hanging out together and they still could be. He tells me how much he loves me and appreciates me and I believe him but I don’t know what to do about the whole situation really. Some advice?

  8. @Rey……The biggest issue here is not his ex-girlfriend, it’s the lack of trust in your relationship. So do you think you can truly trust him? That’s what you need to figure out.

  9. We have been together for around 6 months so far and I think I’m in love with this guy. I have trusting problem because non of my previous relationships last more than a month, they cheated on me while I am a loyal person. When I come to this man, I have spent my life with so many types of emotions, wonderful and depressed. One of the thing that makes me a bit upset is that he is still in touch with his ex. We talked about this and he calmly ensured that there is nothing between them, they are just friends now but they broke up because of a certain stupid opposite perspective. And he cares about my feelings too. But it still bothers me. And I accidentally know that they just talked to each other two days ago with emotional icons, chit chat about stuff. Should I be worried about it?

  10. @Rosie…..It’s hard to say exactly. Being friends with an ex is not necessarily a red-flag, but then again, if he still harbors feelings for her, that’s a different story. A few questions: How long did they date? Was the breakup mutual or do you think it’s possible she left him? How often does he talk to her? Does he talk about her with him? How serious is your relationship? Has he told you he’s in love with you? Are you making plans for the future together? How old are you? Him? Her?

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