Yes, I am a jealous person and have had trust issues related to my past experiences with ALL people. I love my boyfriend SO much. He makes me so happy and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But there is only ONE problem that I can’t seem to get over. He texts his ex-girlfriend. I have looked in his phone and Facebook page Yes, that was wrong of me, but I believe in an open relationship and that there should be nothing to hide. I keep MY things open (phone, laptop, iPad, etc…) Everything should be open. We’ve argued about this before. I don’t mind him talking to other people, but when it comes to past ex-girlfriends NO!!!!, I start to worry and fear being hurt.
He told me that he would choose me over her any day because he loves me so much, and I believe him. He agreed to stop contacting her. I also told him that if he sneaks around my back and texts her that we could no longer be together.
Here is my current dilemma: I found out that, after promising that he’d stop talking to his ex, he started messaging her again 3-4 times a week. Telling her that he loves her, and that if she wants him back she knows how to get him. That he loves her and her girls. That he is In love with her.
When I saw this, it upset me BIG TIME. How do I know if he really loves me and wants to create a future with me when he’s going behind my back and telling his ex that he still loves her and wants her? I don’t know what’s worse: him telling her that, or him lying to me again, and breaking his promise of not messaging her. I don’t know who he is playing, her or me.
Any advice? Please? Im hurting.
We’re very sorry. Betrayal is so hard. It undermines trust, and without trust, most relationships eventually run their course and end. Hopefully, the two of you can figure this out and move forward in a positive way.
It’s time for a heart-to-heart conversation about his communication with his ex. Of course, speaking of trust, he’s going to feel that you betrayed him by going through his phone. When you bring up the topic of his texting the first thing he’ll cite is your snooping. (You need to be ready for that.) Yes, you snooped. And yes, that’s not the best way to go about getting information. That said, the fact that you found damning evidence trumps his feelings of betrayal. He should not be saying those things to his ex-girlfriend if he’s with you. But more importantly, if he truly feels that way, then he needs to be honest with you.
However, when you bring it up, we advise you to focus on how his behavior makes you feel rather than accusing him of this or that. Why? Because this approach will be more effective for you. Decide what the goal of the conversation is for you. Do you want to get back on track with him? Do you want to hear the truth? Do you want to tell him off and leave? What is it? Also, it might be important to find out if he’s actually seen her or seeing her behind your back? Or if he’s even told her about you? Basically, come up with a plan before you start the conversation, otherwise, these types of conversations can often spiral off topic because emotions take over.
Finally Lisa, you need to ask yourself an important question: Do you feel like you can truly trust this man again? This is the second time he’s betrayed your trust. The last thing you need is to be with someone who you constantly feel worried about. You might love him, but without trust, you don’t have a foundation to build on.
We hope it works out for you. If the two of you want to stay together you might want to consider some sort of couple’s counseling/therapy. Let us know if you have any follow-up questions or thoughts. Leave them in the comments’ section below.
ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks!