Break up confusion; will he come back?

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Today’s question:

Dear Guys,

He kept telling me that he wasn’t sure that he was making the right decision and that he was afraid that he might regret this. I didn’t cry, I just kinda remained stoic; and he kept saying, “Don’t act like this. Don’t act like this is not a big deal. This is a big deal. This is not easy for me.” He said that he wants to be everything to me. He said that he wants to be the guy that I want to marry, but he’s just not sure how he feels. Confusing, right?

I guess my question is, is he really unsure or is he trying to make me feel better? Is there any hope that we can get back together? Just some more info, about a month ago, he started telling me that he feels like I’m not in love with him anymore, that something felt off. Nothing was off with me, but I was just going through personal problems. I asked him if he felt that way and was just deflecting, but he said no way. That he knew exactly how he felt for me. And that he was absolutely in love.

What makes a guy be so in love one minute and then just change the next? What the heck happened? Do you think he’ll come back?

LoriAnn

Dear LoriAnn,

It’s obvious he cares about you. And he’s probably really bummed that he doesn’t feel sure about you. But to us it seems like he’s deflecting and trying to put it on you. In general, actions speak louder than words, and he’s choosing to break up with you instead of trying to work things out with you. That is a pretty powerful message.

Guys do get scared about commitment, but if they really are into a woman, they keep that fear to themselves or share it with their buds. They don’t usually break up with a woman, saying they’re not sure how they feel. We’re not usually that stupid.

So to answer your question whether or not he will come back, we can’t really answer that, only ask you whether or not you’ll want him back if and when he decides to come back? And do you really want someone who is so unsure about you and the relationship? (We know he said he’s sure, but then why is he breaking up with you? We doubt it’s because he’s unsure whether or not you love him.) And if that truly is the reason, then you might be dealing with someone a bit too insecure for you.

We know you care for this man, but there are men out there who are certain of what they want and willing to work at the relationship in order to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

11 Comments on Break up confusion; will he come back?

  1. @Sarah……If you ask him to meet up you’re going to get a more definitive answer. Meaning, if he says no, then that will be pretty clear he has no interest in any sort of relationship, or any contact. If he says yes, then you can see what happens when you meet. As per your last question, isn’t that one you’ve asked us already? We’ll restate our opinion…… That it had little to do with your “pressure” and more to do with him not feeling it. Guys use work as an excuse when they don’t want to tell the truth, or they can’t articulate the truth because it’s more a feeling they have. We’re sorry. Clearly, you’re having a difficult time moving on. That alone should tell you to take the more “risky” plan and see if he might want to meet up. If it doesn’t work out, or he makes an excuse, then it might be time to move on. Good luck.

  2. Thank you I understand what you’re saying and really appreciate your response. I see it may be better to take the risky option but I just don’t want to come across as putting pressure on him or abit desperate or whatever (if it might be like this?) . I’m not sure whether to send ‘Heyy, can’t believe term is nearly over! How have things been?’ On it’s own or add on ‘Do you fancy going for coffee before you go home?’
    How would you take/read the message in this situation do you think? I know it’s difficult to put yourself completely in his shoes. Do you think say the coffee line or wait to see how he responds first?
    Thank you very much for your help!

  3. @Sarah…..You are overthinking this. If he wants to see you he won’t feel pressured. If he doesn’t, he might. So it’s not about you pressuring him or not. It’s about how he feels about you. Direct is best in most cases.

  4. Hello and happy new year! Thank you so much for all your great advice last year. I was wondering if I could ask for your advice and opinion again. Basically I messaged him casually asking how the term had been in December and he replied back really quickly being friendly then I replied back two hours later asking him another question and saying about my term and he didn’t reply.. I left it and wished him a happy birthday just before Christmas then he text me Christmas Day to say merry Christmas and hope I have a nice day then he’s liked my two recent pictures on instagram, it’s exam week at the moment and I was just wondering whether I should text his something simple wishing him good luck to be friendly and keep contact or if I should leave it and see if he contacts me? I can’t help it but I still like him :/ I don’t know if his text at Christmas and liking my pictures is him saying something or testing the water? I don’t want him to think I don’t like him but don’t know whether I should say anything or not! Your guys perspective on this situation and what he might be thinking and how a text might come across would be so helpful thank you!! Xx

  5. @Sarah……Nice to hear from you. Happy New Year. We probably said this to you before but you’re WAY overthinking this. There’s nothing wrong with a text. If he’s into you he’ll be happy to hear from you. If he’s not, then he might think you’re trying too hard but he won’t think much else. Look Sarah, if a guy is into you he’ll make it obvious. He’ll pursue you. The fact that he’s so hard to read is a message in and of itself. That said, go ahead and send the text. And then after that, let him be the one to contact you next. Good luck. (Obviously, you have to do what you feel is right.)

  6. Thank you! I completely understand what you’re saying. I think that’s why I’m worried about texting incase im just rejected and it’s because I’ve ignored what everyone else can see.. but if I did I’m wondering whether to text something like ‘Hey I’m living in … for my placement and thought it might be nice to have a drink one evening? Hope your exams went well!’ Because I’ve just moved into the same area he lives in as my placement is there until Easter, then I’ll be a little further out again. I don’t know if this is too forward, I don’t want it to sound like I’m asking him on a date or too pressured, maybe I could say a drink one evening to catch up?
    Or just send a message like ‘Hey! How were your exams?’ And see how the convo goes.. how would a guy read these? Which do you think would be better?
    thank you so much for your advice!

  7. @Sarah…..Well, if you’re unsure, send the second text and see how the convo goes. Look Sarah, it’s obvious to him that you’re into him. And we can’t recall all the details from before, but the bottom line is, he needs to be pursuing you. And if he’s into you, he will. If he’s not, he probably won’t, no matter what you do or what text you send. That said, we hope it works out for you. Good luck.

  8. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate your swift responses even on weekends! I sent the second one and he hasn’t replied so feel pretty silly now but at least I know now I guess.. thank you for your help!

  9. @Sarah…..You’re welcome. Good luck.

  10. I have been seeing someone for two years, invested a lot of time and patience as he’s a commitment phobe, likes his space, but I stayed as everyone including himself said he’s a slow burner but a decent guy, so I have it time and let him into my heart, I have been up front from day one as to my long term expectations, and asked him if he was ready to move forward and maybe move in together, the subject had been broached before, at the time hed said he was not ready at that time, but said he loved m, liked what we had and to give him time, I am 52 he is 58, he is still of the same mindset when I ‘re visited this a couple weeks ago, but this time I ended the relationship even though I love him very much. We have tried talking about it but he still comes out with the same words n that he likes his space and independance, I told him he can’t have his cake n eat it anymore, even though it’s breaking my heart, we agreed i would not contact him until he contacts me this week as he says he needs time to think and has a lot of emotions running around. I’m finding it hard not to contact him n carry on as we are. But deep down i know I need to let him come forward if it’s to be. The biggest dilemma though is i might be taking on my grandchildren so is a big ask, but he was stumbling at the commitment hurdle before this was on the table.u
    How long do i wait before I basically shut down.

  11. @Nickyraz……You wait as long as it takes. If he doesn’t initiate and make the first move towards reconciliation then you know he hasn’t changed. We’re sorry. We know this is hard. Question: What do you mean you’re taking on your grandchildren? Do you mean, you’re going to be raising them now? (How old are they? How many?)

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