Break up confusion; will he come back?

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Today’s question:

Dear Guys,

He kept telling me that he wasn’t sure that he was making the right decision and that he was afraid that he might regret this. I didn’t cry, I just kinda remained stoic; and he kept saying, “Don’t act like this. Don’t act like this is not a big deal. This is a big deal. This is not easy for me.” He said that he wants to be everything to me. He said that he wants to be the guy that I want to marry, but he’s just not sure how he feels. Confusing, right?

I guess my question is, is he really unsure or is he trying to make me feel better? Is there any hope that we can get back together? Just some more info, about a month ago, he started telling me that he feels like I’m not in love with him anymore, that something felt off. Nothing was off with me, but I was just going through personal problems. I asked him if he felt that way and was just deflecting, but he said no way. That he knew exactly how he felt for me. And that he was absolutely in love.

What makes a guy be so in love one minute and then just change the next? What the heck happened? Do you think he’ll come back?


Dear LoriAnn,

It’s obvious he cares about you. And he’s probably really bummed that he doesn’t feel sure about you. But to us it seems like he’s deflecting and trying to put it on you. In general, actions speak louder than words, and he’s choosing to break up with you instead of trying to work things out with you. That is a pretty powerful message.

Guys do get scared about commitment, but if they really are into a woman, they keep that fear to themselves or share it with their buds. They don’t usually break up with a woman, saying they’re not sure how they feel. We’re not usually that stupid.

So to answer your question whether or not he will come back, we can’t really answer that, only ask you whether or not you’ll want him back if and when he decides to come back? And do you really want someone who is so unsure about you and the relationship? (We know he said he’s sure, but then why is he breaking up with you? We doubt it’s because he’s unsure whether or not you love him.) And if that truly is the reason, then you might be dealing with someone a bit too insecure for you.

We know you care for this man, but there are men out there who are certain of what they want and willing to work at the relationship in order to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted.


3 Comments on Break up confusion; will he come back?

  1. The issue is apparently that he was felt unable to communicate to me what he needed in the relationship. He was feeling overwhelmed and stressed and decided to not say anything. He wanted a little space and expressed that to mutual friends at the end of November and then again in April. They told him that he needed to talk to me but didn’t tell me what was going on and then he never did. Now he is wondering (the day after the break up) if he made a mistake. And his friends told me that they are planning on talking to him about this. So, for him, this wasn’t out of the blue. But during the break up, he mentioned that he thought he was throwing this away and that he was scared and that he was wondering if he was making a mistake (it was such a mix). It’s been so contrary to how he has been throughout the relationship. But, how could I adjust my behavior or expectations if I didn’t know? Honestly, it’s all up in the air. I am not sure what any of your thoughts are on this. It’s extremely painful for me, because I wasn’t given a choice. And, he’s also taken a stance of “knowing that I won’t change” and that he is really just “protecting himself.”

  2. @the guys I thought I answered the question but didn’t … He was back and forth the decision the month we were getting to know one another before we started dating. This is because he knew he’d be leaving in 3 months for school. To clarify, he was moving very fast after that month, and then pushed hard for the long distance. The issue is that he wanted space and to not have to talk every day. But he had established that pattern and then never communicated it to meat all. I found out through a mutual friend that he didn’t want to upset me by telling me. But, I’m not a mind reader. 2 almost 3 days NC (with me being emotional the first two days…break up happened Monday). I’m just looking for advice on what to do. He said he thinks he’s making a mistake. But he’s scared

  3. @Mary……We know this is really difficult for you, and that’s why we hesitate to comment too much because it’s hard to say what he’s thinking or feeling. What we will say is that when a relationship requires so much “thinking” and “wondering” and “mind-sorting” it sometimes means that someone is fighting their gut. We can’t read his mind or look into his heart but clearly he’s having an internal disagreement. We’re sorry. If he was 100% into this we don’t think he’d be constantly questioning and second-guessing himself. Does that make sense? Does that help at all? You take care. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

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