Break up confusion; will he come back?

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Today’s question:

Dear Guys,

He kept telling me that he wasn’t sure that he was making the right decision and that he was afraid that he might regret this. I didn’t cry, I just kinda remained stoic; and he kept saying, “Don’t act like this. Don’t act like this is not a big deal. This is a big deal. This is not easy for me.” He said that he wants to be everything to me. He said that he wants to be the guy that I want to marry, but he’s just not sure how he feels. Confusing, right?

I guess my question is, is he really unsure or is he trying to make me feel better? Is there any hope that we can get back together? Just some more info, about a month ago, he started telling me that he feels like I’m not in love with him anymore, that something felt off. Nothing was off with me, but I was just going through personal problems. I asked him if he felt that way and was just deflecting, but he said no way. That he knew exactly how he felt for me. And that he was absolutely in love.

What makes a guy be so in love one minute and then just change the next? What the heck happened? Do you think he’ll come back?


Dear LoriAnn,

It’s obvious he cares about you. And he’s probably really bummed that he doesn’t feel sure about you. But to us it seems like he’s deflecting and trying to put it on you. In general, actions speak louder than words, and he’s choosing to break up with you instead of trying to work things out with you. That is a pretty powerful message.

Guys do get scared about commitment, but if they really are into a woman, they keep that fear to themselves or share it with their buds. They don’t usually break up with a woman, saying they’re not sure how they feel. We’re not usually that stupid.

So to answer your question whether or not he will come back, we can’t really answer that, only ask you whether or not you’ll want him back if and when he decides to come back? And do you really want someone who is so unsure about you and the relationship? (We know he said he’s sure, but then why is he breaking up with you? We doubt it’s because he’s unsure whether or not you love him.) And if that truly is the reason, then you might be dealing with someone a bit too insecure for you.

We know you care for this man, but there are men out there who are certain of what they want and willing to work at the relationship in order to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted.


26 Comments on Break up confusion; will he come back?

  1. My bf and I have had a great relationship for the past 8 months. One day I had an incling that something wasn’t right and found he had been sending graphic sexual messages to other women. He felt that since he wasn’t doing anything physical nothing was wrong. We talked it through and he realized how wrong it was and things got better. I got sick shortly thereafter and he was wonderful through everything. However I started noticing distance and asked him if he was back talking to other women. We got into another argument to which he felt I was accusing after he was pretty much with me except for work during my hearing. Again, things had been fine. Again the intuition kicks in. I ask him to use his phone to take a pic and when I click to see my pic another woman’s picture appears…. So go off and got emotional and we got into a huge argument which resulted ine getting somewhat physical and me breaking his phone (which I offered to pay for right after) he was incredibly apologetic and then the next day I had to go over since I couldn’t call to get some keys. I asked for my keys back and then it got heated once again. He wanted to put me out his house and he had all my stuff packed up. He said I’m 90% good and 10% bullshit so you find a 100% and let me know how that works out. I consistently asked if I did what he did would that be ok and he never answered. I asked if it was over and he said “you have a masters degree; figure it out” he put the stuff in my car and I left. His birthday is approaching and I had asked his mom to help gather people. I hit her and informed her that wasn’t the case due to the situation which I was sure she is aware of (he said she agreed that I shouldn’t have been looking for anything). I told her I’m sorry for getting physical with her son but I refused to be disrespected and sent screenshots of the types of messages he was sending ( I’m sure that wasn’t the best thing to do) He’s now blocked me on FB (not any of my friends or fam) and we haven’t talked; so I just am wondering if it’s really over or is what he said out of emotions and spite?

  2. @Lia….It sounds like a little bit of both. What’s the latest? Has anything transpired since you wrote to us? What do you mean physical besides breaking his phone? Honestly, it sounds like a classic case of a guy trying to flip things and make his woman look like the bad person. Let’s be clear. If he’s sending graphic sexual texts to another woman he knows it’s wrong. He doesn’t need you to tell him. And the only reason he stopped is because he got caught. Sounds like he’s not quite mature enough to be in a committed relationship. What do you think? If he came back do you really want him back? (And how old is he?) He seems young.

  3. Hi, my ex bf texted me at 12 midnight on my birthday, his text was ” happy birthday, I wish everything is ok with you and take care of yourself”. I am really surprise as we haven’t spoke for almost 2 months since break up. I waited a day to reply to him a thank you as I am not sure what I want and he up to. Do you think this mean something? Or he just coincidence text me at midnight? I am confused.

  4. @Candice…….It’s hard to say. It means he’s definitely thinking about you. But what are you really asking? Will he come back? What?

  5. Hi, he hasn’t replied to me after the thank you text from me. I would like to know what’s he thinking. If he want to get back, I think he will show more effort, right?

  6. @Candice…….The ball is in his court at this point. He’s either: 1. Being polite since it was your birthday. 2. Is lonely or horny and putting out feelers to you to see if you could be open to that. Sometimes guys propose FWB with their exes. (Of course, we can’t read his mind so it’s hard for us to say exactly.) Honestly, you’re just going to have to wait and see on this. Hang in there.

  7. I have been in a long distance relationship for 11 months with many arguments, the problem I am going through is that he keeps coming and going. we have met twice the second time we met he was fine with me and texted me to see if i got back home however that night he started playing up with me, he wasn’t acting normal so i said that to him then we argued. this was a month ago since then he messaged me like 3 times in which two was a phone call however the next day he disappear. he has not deleted me of snapchat even though he knows i have nd he has not deleted my number either as he texted me saying my friend followed him on instagram which i played of cool saying what shall i do? as he hasn’t spoken to me for 1 week then he popped up saying that which i found sort of rude. the question is i really want him back but i don’t know if he will… what shall i do

  8. @Ann……Honestly, if he’s coming and going that should tell you his level of commitment or interest. How old is he? You?

  9. Hello in Sophie from back in August. I wanted to provide a little update as I thought many might find it interesting. So yeah he cut me off for months etc. I tried to reach out and got ignored. He set a picture of a random girl on WhatsApp and never had a pic in over two years and I was his only WhatsApp contact, a friend he doesn’t know messaged pretending to spark up a convo and he instantly changed his picture. All v confusing, I was heart broken and thinking about a job at the FBI by this point! I found out who she was and she has a kid, younger than me, no job, lives off the state. A frIend said she saw his car with the kids booster seat in the back. It’s been a crazy year!!! I left him alone since august but regrettably got drunk xmas eve and left voicemails and can’t remember what I said. Downloading a drunk dial blocking app ahead of New Years lol!! At xmas all my emotions and heart break come out as he hasn’t spoken to me once since the break up. Trying to create my own closure which is hard as I just don’t understand. Anyway I just wanted to update and advise those drinking to not drink and dial !!! Bring on 2017!!

  10. Hello, i’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months- i was nagging often but we were happy overall- i met his parents, alll his friends, females and males- but it’s been 2 months we are on a “break”, he initiated the break for a better me- well he’s kind of an honest guy, like totally honest: if he doesn’t want to see me, he doesn’t lie or say any excuse, he’ll be so upfront that he doesn’t feel like seeing.. Now we talk almost all day everyday- i still wake him up like we used to- we go on dates- if there’s a party for couples i’m always his +1, we still have our getaway weekends, we’re spending nye with his closest friends… Well thing is, his uncle died 1 week ago, his dad has cancer spread and dying, his work is not going so well the company is closing.. So he tells me i’m his princess but feels sad that he’s not giving me what i deserve, and he thinks that i deserve more than this, and that he doesn’t deserve someone loving him like i do in this time!! He told me there is plenty who can be there for me but i want u to be there, i want u to be next to me but i’m afraid that’ll hurt you, or get u to hate me or disappointed.. I can’t promise what will happen next, and i can’t ask u to wait for me as u have a great life ahead.. I’m not looking to meet girls i already don’t have time for it and i have you why would i think of meeting new girls!! And he told me that it’s up to me if i want to stay or leave but he can’t be in a relationship because he can’t provide me with what i deserve right now!!
    My question to you: i don’t have a problem to wait for him, i want to be there for him and i can and he already said to me that he’s happy because he can feel how supportive i am and that no one ever was there for him like i do.. I love him sooooo much, and i can handle it to be next to him without a relationship.. But is it true to do do? It can’t be that he’s just lying and trying to pull away for a real break up? Will he be ready one day and choose me?
    Thank you for your time!!

  11. @Sophie….Thanks for checking in and giving us/everyone an update. We hope that 2017 is a year of closure, healing, new beginnings and fun for you. Take care.

  12. @Zaza……This deserves a longer answer, but we don’t do that here in the comments. (We do that with our Ask a Private Question option.) That said, this sounds a lot like the, “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse. Guys don’t typically give up a good thing unless something doesn’t feel right. Something is missing for him but he either doesn’t want to say it, or he’s not sure what it is. But whatever it is, it was enough to break up with you. And yes, this is a break up. We are sorry. Take care of yourself.

  13. Hi me and my ex bf was together for 11 months.. But we broke up a month ago because he said he was so stressed at work and plan on resigning and asko has health problems (high cholesterol ) he keeps having chest pains and shortness of breath.. He said he needs time for himself away from all stress and pressure.. We have ups and downs.. But i know we had a great relationship.. I did LC.. He still share what is happening with his day.. But it just makes me so confused thats why i decided NC.. Doing it for 4 days now.. Will he ever regret his decision and come back?

  14. @Ella……We’re sorry. It’s too soon to tell what’s going to happen, although his reasons sound more like excuses to break up rather than actual reasons. How old is he? You? Did he give you any other explanation? Something specific about your relationship rather than external issues he was having?

  15. Appreciate your reply.. Im 32 he is 36.. Nothing i know.. He said he just needs time for himself away from all the pressure that is happening to him.. He said he was lost.. He will be resigning from work this jan 31.. Last time we talk he said his health was his priority and that he has not found a new job.. Do you think that is a valid reason fro break up? Will he ever come back?

  16. He also said i was his the one that got away.. That i dont have to change anything and that i have to stay who i am.. That if its meant to be God will find a way for us.. The last we talk (it was last sat) i asked him if he still see future with me.. He said maybe this is not the right time to asked or answer that.. That if he said yes he will just give me indirect hope if he said no that is a slight lie.. I am really confused what to do.. Should i move on or wait for himor should i do something about it

  17. @Ella……There’s nothing for you to do at this time. You’re not going to be able to convince him of anything right now. And honestly, you don’t want to have to convince. You want him to figure it out on his own, that he needs and wants you in his life. That he can’t live without you. That said, he’s being quite vague, which tells us that he probably feels that something is not right in the relationship but isn’t able to articulate that, or doesn’t want to articulate it for fear of hurting you. Our advice; It doesn’t seem like you’re ready to move on anyway, so give if a little bit of time. A month perhaps? (That’s just an arbitrary number.) But in the meantime, keep yourself busy and distracted. And let him be the one to initiate. Keep us posted. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

  18. My boyfriend & I were together for close to three years. Then just over two weeks ago, we got into a really big fight and he walked away. The most confusing thing is that he never said it was over / I’m breaking up with you. Instead I asked him out of anger (during the fight)” why are you just giving up on us ?” And he didn’t really respond to that. Our relationship was amazing, and obviously had its ups & downs, and we were going through a bad patch, as I had just finished school and due to having anxiety was feeling major uncertainty for my future. The thing that got to me the most was that , just a year before I finished school, he finished school & he went through the exact same feeling of uncertainty but I was there for him every step of the way. Now during the fight he said he loves me and only me and he never wants to be with anyone else, but then he walked away. He does have anger issues & tends to shut down instead of dealing with what he is feeling, and his home life is really bad at the moment. We haven’t spoken since the fight as I am wanting to give him space he needs but , I don’t know whether or not to keep hoping he’ll reach out ? Thanks in advance !

  19. @Lilly…..Seems like he needs space. However, two weeks is a good amount of time. We’d give it another week or so, and then reach out and say hi. And see if he wants to talk about the relationship. Hopefully by then both of you can talk about the relationship and your feelings without it turning into a fight. That said, ideally he’d be the one to initiate contact. But if he tends to shut down that may not happen. What do you think?

  20. Thank you so much for the reply! I do also agree that he should be the first one to reach out & hope he will. I am trying to maintain hopeful but I am really bad at dealing with uncertainty so this will be a big test for me!
    I am taking it day by day &I am working on myself on the things that were negatively impacting our relationship.

  21. I just found he is on tinder..😩😩😩 he is really moving on? And that what he said was just an excuse

  22. @Lilly……You’re welcome. And good luck. One thing: Just make sure that if he does come back, you don’t just blame yourself. It’s important that both of you look at your own issues, but then try to work things out together. Keep us posted and take care.

  23. Hi I’m wondering if you can help me.
    I was with my partner for five and a half years and we have three children. After the birth of our youngest we drifted apart, what made it worse was we didn’t fight we were just distant. In that time he started talking to another woman. Who he eventually left me for. I was heartbroken, he told me he hadn’t loved me for months when every day he still told me he did. Any way he had a relationship with this woman, during that time he kept saying how perfect it was. Told his family they were in love. But it didn’t take long for him to tell me he missed me and wanted his family back. I should mention this other woman was married aswell, and when he was going to leave her, her husband committed suicide. He called me and told me he couldn’t cut her off now. I said he needed to leave me alone then because she’s always going to be in the way. She was admitted to a psych facility for a week and when she got out they became official. Not long after again he wanted back, we ended up sleeping together and he decided to leave her. But he was dragging his feet doing it. When we started trying he reached out again to her a few times and told her he missed her. Which killed me, I then got him to change his number. But honestly after that it was like she hung over us. He hid photos he had of her. He told me he loved me and promised all these things, but after cutting her off he shut me out. He didn’t want to spend time with his family. He kept saying he just wanted to do what he wanted. Anyway this cycle lasted about two months,until our last fight which is when they started talking again. He again left me for her and told me he feels nothing for me. He’s happy with her. I don’t know what I’m asking, I suppose I want him to want to come back only because I want him to realise what he has lost. How could he do this to me again? And our family? And if she was so wonderful why did he do what he did with me? I’m just very confused and angry

  24. @Kelly…..We’re so sorry. This sounds really difficult and really messy. There’s not much we can tell you here in the comments. (Your question deserves more of an in-depth discussion which we’re not able to do in the comments. That’s more for our Ask a Private Question option on our site. Let us know if you’d like to go that route, although there is a $40 fee for that. No pressure.) That said, nothing’s going to change unless your husband has an epiphany and realizes what he’s given up. Until he gets to that point, he’s going to do what he’s going to do. Our advice would be to focus on yourself and your three children. They need much love and support as they try to understand why their world is falling apart. And the only way you can do that is taking care of yourself first.

  25. Hey everyone. I am like everyone here – heartbroken:(
    I been together with my ex bf for 8 month. We never fight for this time. One time I asked him to pay for my mum flower and he said that she is stranger for him…. since she lives in another country, they never met. I have quit lower income then he do, but Also work… Anyway, 2 weeks ago I found clinic where I can make a surgery( stomach problems) its cost 2500$ and I said to him that this is a price and I haven’t enough. I wanted to ask him to borrow little bit but before i said it he responded NO. Then i been shoked, because its my health and he knows i have pain everyday. He didn’t even listen what I will ask or say… we run in to some fight. And he went home with questionin his had ” what is one priority for him, me or money. ? Next day he came back and said – you were right, You are not my priority and I dont have feelings to you. I want to break up… i said just Ok,
    And packed all his stuff.
    Now is more then two weeks since we spoke or seen each other. I don’t call and don’t text. My question is, did he leave me because of money or he really don’t love me?
    He got a new car and bike in this two weeks. Bike he had before, and when were spoke I said, he preferrer to buy a bike insted of me? So I cant believe that he choosed pieace of metal instead of our relationships. He didn’t give me a chose, he just said- i wanna break up.
    What should i do now? On Valentine night he brought my stuff and flowers and left them near my door, without any calls or messages. Looks like he is completely moved on…
    for me it’s hard to accept ..

    Also he remind me about our travel on Christmas that we supposed to pay 50/50. Money for me is not a problem, i spend on him as well( sweaters, t-shirt, and shaver machine… but i ear much less then he do.
    Please give me advice if you know what will happen next? I set a date in my calendar 19 of march, it’s gonna be one and half month if he is not show up I will move on

  26. @Elis……Guys don’t usually break up with someone over money. Sounds like an excuse to us. We’re sorry. ps. If he does come back, make sure he’s coming back for the right reasons, not because he wants sex. Take care.

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