Break up confusion; will he come back?

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Today’s question:

Dear Guys,

He kept telling me that he wasn’t sure that he was making the right decision and that he was afraid that he might regret this. I didn’t cry, I just kinda remained stoic; and he kept saying, “Don’t act like this. Don’t act like this is not a big deal. This is a big deal. This is not easy for me.” He said that he wants to be everything to me. He said that he wants to be the guy that I want to marry, but he’s just not sure how he feels. Confusing, right?

I guess my question is, is he really unsure or is he trying to make me feel better? Is there any hope that we can get back together? Just some more info, about a month ago, he started telling me that he feels like I’m not in love with him anymore, that something felt off. Nothing was off with me, but I was just going through personal problems. I asked him if he felt that way and was just deflecting, but he said no way. That he knew exactly how he felt for me. And that he was absolutely in love.

What makes a guy be so in love one minute and then just change the next? What the heck happened? Do you think he’ll come back?


Dear LoriAnn,

It’s obvious he cares about you. And he’s probably really bummed that he doesn’t feel sure about you. But to us it seems like he’s deflecting and trying to put it on you. In general, actions speak louder than words, and he’s choosing to break up with you instead of trying to work things out with you. That is a pretty powerful message.

Guys do get scared about commitment, but if they really are into a woman, they keep that fear to themselves or share it with their buds. They don’t usually break up with a woman, saying they’re not sure how they feel. We’re not usually that stupid.

So to answer your question whether or not he will come back, we can’t really answer that, only ask you whether or not you’ll want him back if and when he decides to come back? And do you really want someone who is so unsure about you and the relationship? (We know he said he’s sure, but then why is he breaking up with you? We doubt it’s because he’s unsure whether or not you love him.) And if that truly is the reason, then you might be dealing with someone a bit too insecure for you.

We know you care for this man, but there are men out there who are certain of what they want and willing to work at the relationship in order to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted.


46 Comments on Break up confusion; will he come back?

  1. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years and it was the most stable relationship I’ve ever had. We talked about our future together in very tangible conversations–our retirement plan, a house we were saving for in another state, the dog we wanted to adopt, everything. We had a misunderstanding about something small and stupid 2 weeks ago where he because irrationally upset and left the house to stay with family for a few days. I thought he was overreacting but left him alone thinking he just needs to cool down. A few days later he moved out all his things while I was at work and completely sent me on a tailspin. He refused to see me in person to talk it out but said we can’t be together right now. I wasn’t accepting his vague reasons for suddenly breaking up 2 years of happiness for a dumb misunderstanding and was pushing him to give me a real reasons. Now he has blocked my number and on all social media. It’s only been a few days but I’m completely confused, blindsided, and my heart feels ripped out. He was my best friend and I know I was his. He doesn’t do well with emotions and shuts down completely when stressed so I don’t truly know what his deepest fears are. Any insight into what the hell might have happened?

  2. @Esther…….This sounds really difficult. We’re sorry. That said, you are on the right track. Your misunderstanding is not the cause of his breakup, but it gave him an excuse—in his own mind—to move out. Which means one of two things. 1. Some other issue/s has been bothering him that he hasn’t talked about. At some point he may have decided that the relationship wasn’t what he wanted but he didn’t want to talk with you about it because he felt guilty. (Which is why he needed something to happen so he could get “angry” and point to that as the reason.) 2. He met someone else…. We are so sorry. Let us know if we can answer any other questions. And hang in there. Question: Is he refusing to talk to you still?

  3. I had gotten into a relationship with a man about a year and a half ago who had lost his wife to cancer about a month after she had passed. I was reluctant to start a relationship with him but he kept saying that he was ready to move on, and that while she was in her final days she had told him she wanted him to move on so he had said that he had dealt with his grief while she was here. so we started to talk to one another just a while after he had asked me to move in with him. just after two months after moving in with him he started shutting down on me when ever he would talk to his wife’s parents I think he felt guilty about moving on so fast and I think they made him feel guilty not really meaning to but because of their grief over loosing their daughter so he would shut down on me and not talk to me about what was bothering him but I knew something was. needless to say our relationship has come to an end. He knows I’m moving to another state because it’s hard on me loosing him but he keeps asking me where I’m moving, who I’m going to live with. I had asked him why does it matter where I am moving? we are broke up. and he had said that who knows that maybe one day you will look over your shoulder and ill be standing there. Why is he saying stuff like this when it is hard enough for me to move on? Is he just messing with my head?

  4. @Tina….He’s saying it because it sounds like the timing was the problem not necessarily the relationship. He knows he moved too fast and it’s possible he wonders if things might have been different if he had waited. Of course, timing issues are the cause of many, many breakups, and they are more complex than just, “Oh we met at the wrong time.” In two years let’s say—that’s just an arbitrary number we chose—he wants to rekindle things. Well, you may be in a totally different place in your life and no longer be open to him. So sometimes bad timing can actually be what attracts people. (Maybe someone’s not really available for some reason. That might seem attractive.) We don’t think he’s messing with your head intentionally. What he’s doing is keeping his options open just in case. But we wouldn’t hold your breath. He’s got a ways to go before he’s ready for any sort of serious relationship. So what’s your plan? Are you still going to move?

  5. Hi. i just got out of a relationship with my boyfriend a few days ago. we dated for a month and we were happy. we never got into any arguments, there were no signs of the relationship going downhill etc. however, one day leading up to the break up, he brought up about how he felt intimidated bout the future and that he is not thinking bout our relationship going that deep into the future, and that for now he just wants us to live in the present, and figure out the whole ‘future of our relationship’ later on when it comes down to it. and i thought otherwise thinking he didnt see a future with me and that i was just temporary. we had a little misunderstanding and worked things out. the next day on the day of the break up, he told me that his ex of 3 years contacted him and cried to him after she found out about our relationship and that somehow made him feel some type of way. he told me about this incident and told me how he doesnt love her anymore and that she ruined his life to the extent where he felt extremely emotional. he then told me he needed time to himself to clear his head and apparently, he proceeded by talking to the ex to get closure. this somehow made me feel… affected; sad. after that closure, he told me he doesnt know what the future holds but all he knows is that he really wants to be with me. however, a few hours later, he started acting different, like distant. and he started saying things like ‘ you make me the happiest person, you’re an amazing girl and i really wanna be with you but im scared i’ll hurt you down the road” etc. and he eventually pulled the plug on our relationship by giving me reasons such as “i think we need to take a step back from this relationship. take a breather. it’s not you, you’re an amazing person. i’m just confused right now and i feel like i need to break this relationship for me. i need to figure my issues out, im in a funk, im confused, i’m not sure of what i want. it’s an internal thing, i need to this for me, i need time to myself and be single. we should stay friends and i really want us to be each other’s life, cause who knows maybe we’ll eventually get back together, but for now i think we should stay friends. that’s what best for us”. I was shocked and heartbroken by this. How did he go from loving and wanting to be with me to feeling unsure about me and wanting to ‘stay friends’? after the break up, he started texting me and talking to me like as though nothing ever happened. this left me feeling confused, like we broke up yet why are you hitting me up and texting me like how we used to? and whenever i would bring up about our relationship, he would say “i still care about you and i hate seeing you hurt, but i still think this is for the best and that we should remain just friends”. Now i’m tangled up in this confusion. sometimes i feel like there’s hope for us to get back together, yet sometimes i feel like there’s none. His confusion about me and the relationship is messing with my mind & heart. What should I do?

  6. @Vera…..We can see why you’re confused. We’re sorry. Honestly, a guy doesn’t usually break up with a woman until he’s pretty clear the relationship isn’t going anywhere. It’s certainly possible he needs some time to figure things out, but our best guess is that he loves you but is not in love with you. (Does that make sense?) It’s a typical pattern a guy goes through when he’s not sure. It starts with a lot of attention, partly driven by hormones and the thought of being with a new woman. Once he gets the woman, and he realizes that maybe he got ahead of himself, the doubts creep in. If the inner doubts grow louder eventually he breaks up. But then he starts to miss her, partly driven by his hormones again, and then the cycle repeats. Seems like he’s trying to keep you off-balance so if he does come back you’ll be open to him. However, if he’s talking about hurting you in the future, that probably means he doesn’t see a long-term future with you. Of course, this is just our opinion. You’ve got to do what feels right to you.

  7. My fiance left a week ago because I made a horrible decision to confide in my ex husband about some things that were bothering me..needless to say the ex told the fiance..
    He packed everything and left. He did send me a message a few days ago saying that if I got some help and started seeing my problems that waaay down the road there might be a chance. How am I supposed to take this and what should I do? I’m finding it really hard not to message him..I want him to know I obviously care and that I’m sorry and just want him home and to work on things. Thank you!

  8. @Anna……We’re very sorry. This seems like a bit of an overreaction, but we’d need a lot more details about your relationship, your fiancé, your ex, you……What sorts of things did you confide? And why is your ex-husband talking to your fiancé? Are they friends? (Remember, this is a public forum. If you’d like to have a private conversation and discuss this, we’d suggest you choose the Ask a Private Question option on our site and follow the steps. We’re recommend that for this type of question.) That said, we’ll do what we can here, although the comments sections are usually for less complex questions.

  9. Hi there. I was dating this guy for 2 years and everything in my mind was great. We connected, spent so much time together, practically were best friends. Like any relationship had our ups and down but always managed to get through them, we even lost a child together..Anywho I had an opportunity to make my life a little better and the only downfall was moving far away. Although we both talked about and finally agreed we could make it through it, we never managed to say how long I would be gone for. When the distance started it was great, we would skype, talk on the phone for hours, I would fly back and forth to see him, it was great! The love never stopped flowing. That is until, I got in this depression and pretty much stopped communicating with him for 5 months..because well I’m a total A-hole. No reason, nothing just dropped into thin air..I broke our trust. When I returned 5 months later, (still living apart), I contacted him everything seemed fine. That is until later he started showing signs of neglect and anger:..who could blame him right? We decided to figure this all out I would fly over to him to see if feelings changed…We spent a week together to me it felt like nothing changed, we were intimate, he took me to his place, I watched his dog as usual when he had to work, he took care of me. It was as nothing changed but I could sense he was upset with me. I asked him countless times, how or when we would be fixed and he would say, “I don’t know, I have to see if you are going to leave me like you did”. In a way I guess saying he needed to trust me again. When it was time to say goodbye he told me he loved me. I thought it meant something, seeing as how he was trying not to show so much emotion toward me. Honestly I know I messed up..big time. I just thought to me a love so strong…I thought he would find it in his heart to forgive me and try to forgive me. I was so angry with myself for leaving as well, most likely making him feel abandoned. How could I do that to someone I loved? I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is the distance really made me reflect on how much more I loved him and cared for him. I knew I wanted him to be the one. When I returned back to my current home (after visiting him), things shortly started getting worse as I panicked to get our relationship back where it was. Little did I know this would push him further away as he needed time to figure out if he could trust me again. (So he said anyway). He needed time. That’s what he said. A month later he finally broke up with me. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. I’ve never known him to be a liar so I trusted him. He told me it was distance and I don’t blame him. He said had I moved back sooner we could’ve dated and fixed this. The truth is I had no plans on moving. Back anytime soon unless this possible outcome happened. I just honestly never saw him giving up on us. I am so heartbroken because I really thought we had something. I’m in shock just to think, I pushed him away and maybe I’m replaceable to him. The reason I’m reaching out to you guys is I’m going back to that area for another purpose of course but I can’t help but think about calling him up and asking to see him. It’s been about a month since he broke up with me. I got a call from his phone and missed it but when I texted him asking if he was ok, he replied “he got a missed calll, dropped his phone, and accidentally him my contact”. After all this, I just feel so unwanted and of course no pity party for me because I messed up. My question is what do you think? Should I reach out to him and see if he wants to see me as well? Maybe even talk? Even if it’s just closure to what really happened between us? Is he over me? With all this information what do you think happened and is there a chance we could end up together again? Or is he over me? Any feedback would be great, thanks.

  10. @Sin…..We’re sorry about your breakup. Sounds like a tough situation for both of you. We can give you a little feedback here but we can’t do your question justice here in the comments section. (And it’s a bit long for the comments. We typically answer lengthier questions with our Ask a Private Question option.) That said, why wouldn’t you contact him? What’s the worst that can happen? If he says he doesn’t want to see you, then you’re no worse off than you are now. Maybe you’ll be a little more bruised but the upside outweighs that possible outcome. (We think he’ll want to see you.) Is he over you? Hard to say. We’d need more info. If you want to discuss more in-depth think about choosing the other option. Keep us posted. And take care.

  11. Hey I’m so glad I’ve found this website to get a guys perspective and some help with my situation, thank you! So two months ago my boyfriend broke up with me after we had an argument, the argument began because I made a fuss about not being on this Facebook event (I have realised now it was because I was feeling left out but didn’t realise this at the time) and it annoyed him, I wasn’t accepting what he was telling me and I can see it was such a small thing. Then I asked why he’d said to me I couldn’t open his snapchats if I signed on to his snapchat when he was in Asia to keep our streak, only if he didn’t mind me opening them, but he said he wouldn’t want me to because they were sent to him for him and he got very angry saying it breaks privacy and things. I would never look through his phone though and I would only have opened them if he said it was fine, I can see now though that it wasn’t right of me to say that but the thing that got to me was that he wouldn’t want me opening the snaps. Anyway he took this as I didn’t trust him and thought he was hiding something, when we were arguing about it over text I did say ‘the only possible thing is you don’t want me to see something’ in the heat of the moment :( So this happened all over text then the next day we didn’t talk till the afternoon and he text me and he was talking over text as if he was going to break up with me like asking to meet in person and saying I didn’t trust him and am ‘hard work’ because I get jealous a lot and it shouldn’t happen. Three weeks before this we had had another argument over me asking why he was snapping these other girls and he got very angry and stormed out to his house from mine, then we met the next day and he was saying we need to talk about ‘how to fix us’. We didn’t talk properly though about why I was saying these comments, he was still annoyed at me and it made me hurt and clam up. So this basically ended with me saying I wouldn’t say anything jealous again and him saying he was going to try to stop being so hot headed. I can see now looking back on it it wasn’t a solution at all and I should have realised (like I have now) that I was saying these jealous comments because I can’t have been completely confident in myself and thus felt threatened by other girls when I had no reason to, I really don’t believe he was doing anything. So yeah when we had the argument three weeks later it just felt like he’d had enough and didn’t think I was going to change.. I had said other jealous comments during the relationship which did annoy him and I regret them so much now because I can see I just wasn’t confident in myself when I should have been. He said ‘no matter how many times you promise to stop being weird or jealous or whatever you want to call it you still do it again and I just don’t think you can change’. He said about the argument three weeks before that ‘he went against himself and gave me another chance but here we are again three weeks later’. I realise now him thinking of it as chances was wrong. So anyway he wanted to meet up but I couldn’t that evening as had a presentation at 9am the next day I was preparing. it ended that night with him saying he trusts me and he loves me and I really really regret that I never called him :( Then on the monday he was being normal over messages and went out to get me a valentines day present and card for the next day (which he had put on my side of the bed for when got back from the party that night). The part was at his house so I went round for it that night and when I walked in he was kind of avoiding me and then was also kind of avoiding me in the club. Towards the end of the night I said I was hungry and we went out to get some food and then as we were walking up the street he said ‘I’m still not sure about us’ and then started to break up with me saying he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to girls and it made me feel like the whole thing was my fault for jealous things I’d said. Then he said he needed space for a few days so we didn’t talk for the next four days and he didn’t message me, all this time I felt so guilty and hurt. On the forth day I went over to his house and I was angry with him he hadn’t contacted me, which I regret now but it was because I had seen on his Facebook this girl had messaged him saying ‘don’t you think leaving your profile picture with your gf is giving her hints’ and he said ‘aha yeah just don’t want to have the convo yet’ which really hurt me. So anyway he basically said I deserve more than a relationship with him when he isn’t 100% but no reason as to why he wasn’t 100%. It was just all so sudden and I’m really struggling not to blame myself for it and I feel such a huge loss without him, I still have feelings for him and I thought he was really in love with me too I don’t understand how he appears to be so fine. I text him a few weeks ago saying I’d realised things about myself and the relationship and would like to be friends and it would be good to meet up to discuss this to get rid of the tension and he replied saying he wants to be friends too but over time he’s realised it’s all for the best as it wouldn’t have been healthy for us to stay together and him to ignore the fact he thought we should break up, that I deserve better. I really feel like if we had talked about things though we could have been so much stronger but I don’t think he thought about talking, he’s not very good at discussing feelings. Do you think there’s a chance of us getting back together if we met up to discuss what I’ve realised about myself and why the tensions got to the point of breaking up? Do you think it was the few jealous comments over the relationship that made him end it or just part of the reason? I just don’t get why he was suddenly not committed to it, he had given no inclination to drifting away from me. I just feel like he was quite conflicted when he broke up about whether to do it or not but did. He really did love me a lot from really early on in the relationship and I don’t know why I couldn’t just be relaxed about other girls and things :( Thank you so much for your advice! We both finish uni for good in just over a month too and then I won’t see him again, unless we do resolve things and he wants to be together..

  12. Dawn Friend // April 28, 2017 at 10:36 am //

    I ended my relationship last year, I loved him very much but I got scared that he was losing interest in me so I was childish and thought I would test his feelings. I regretted it instantly, for 5 months I have tried to win him back but he shut down on me. I asked him recently why he hadn’t taken me back, he said he was so angry at me for hurting him. I told him I didn’t know what to do anymore but I didn’t want to be a part time low priority in his life. He said I wasn’t, he still said such lovely things to me like he wanted to be in my life and thinks of me constantly.
    But in between seeing him he goes quiet and hardly answers my messages, I suspected he had someone else I lost patience not knowing what I was fighting for anymore I asked him to give me a straight answer he ignored me so I sent a text letting all my frustrations out, telling him I think he has kept me dangling for months and asked him not to contact me again, it’s been 2 weeks. I’m so hurt that he doesn’t seem to care or try and stop me from walking away for good what is going on in his mind.

  13. @Sara236……We’d like to help. That said, we can only give you a short answer here in the comments. And that would be: Make sure you do NOT take all the blame or start berating yourself. Sounds like he was already thinking about this, which is why he seems fine but for you it feels sudden. You take care. FYI: With all the comments we get we wish we could provide you with the conversation you deserve for such an in-depth question. We do provide that service but we do that privately via email with our Ask a Private Question option on our site. There is a fee. It’s honestly what we would recommend here for your situation because we’d start with asking you a bunch of questions which would require some back and forth. (Click the Button on our site.) Maybe read some of the testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice page if you’re not sure.) You take care of yourself.

  14. @Dawn….How long was your relationship? How old is he? You?

  15. Dawn Friend // April 28, 2017 at 5:37 pm //

    It was a very intense 5 month relationship, we are both in our 40’s

  16. @Dawn…..We get the sense that you were testing him by breaking up with him. (Or maybe you didn’t realize that you were doing that.) Meaning, you broke up because you felt scared, not because you didn’t love him. You were hoping that he would step up to the plate and declare his strong feelings for you as well, and help you feel less scared. Correct? If that’s true, then here’s the deal. The fact that he’s not chasing after you and making you feel better should tell you that the two of you may not have been on the same page. He may have felt strongly about you, but it seems that what he wanted from the relationship was different than what you wanted. We’re sorry. What do you think?

  17. Dawn Friend // April 30, 2017 at 2:59 am //

    Yes I know what your saying but he told things like he would never give up on me and that he doesn’t want a point in his life without me and he thought I was the one I don’t understand why he has kept a foot in my life what did he gain from that has it been an ego stroke.

  18. @Dawn……Well, you know him better than we do. It’s just, actions tend to speak louder than words. We don’t get the sense it was some sort of ego stroke. Just that maybe somewhere along the way things changed for him. That said, we certainly hope we’re wrong. You take care and keep us posted if something changes. Or if you just want to talk some more about it.

  19. My ex broke up with me two and a half months ago, it was all very sudden and it felt to me at the time like it was because of jealous comments I’d said and that he couldn’t put up with them anymore but then he said he wasn’t 100% committed after a few days having some ‘space’ but never gave me a proper reason as to why he suddenly wasn’t committed. I’ve now found out he’s seeing another girl, they are dating, and I think the flintiness between them started a few days after we broke up but I’ve just been told by a friend they’re dating now. It may have started on the night he broke up with me as she was at the party and a picture was taken of her kissing one of his cheeks and his mate kissing the other, but they weren’t close friends at all when we were together. He has hidden it from me completely, I don’t know if this is just not to hurt me anymore than he has? Or so they aren’t bothered with drama of me finding out? Does it sound like a rebound? I’m not sure if they’re moving very fast if they’re only dating but it could have been played down to me.. they haven’t had any pics of them on social media. Thanks for the advice! We were together a year and a half and he fell for me very quickly and was very committed at the beginning, he didn’t hide we were together at all.

  20. @Sara236……We can see why you’re confused. We’re sorry. However, this other girl is not the reason he broke up with you. What is the reason? Well, that’s hard for us to say, but it seems that something must have changed for him. He said, he wasn’ 100% committed, so you’d know better as to why. So yes, she’s a rebound. However, that doesn’t mean he’s going to come back, it just means that he’s likely using her to move on.

  21. Hi there!
    My boyfriend of 2 months (total 5 months of dating) broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I’m genuinely confused although I know it’s my own fault but I didn’t think he’d react this way. Some backstory is that before getting into a relationship I almost ended things twice wanting to make sure I was making the right decision before committing, I confided in him of my fear of falling in love. When we began our relationship all was going swellingly his friends approved, his sister, his parents even knew about me. Up until the week before I overreacted he had been making plans for months into the future, he had even said “I love you” that last good night we spent together. Although I had noticed weeks prior that he would barely say “I miss you”/”I love you” and when it came to a two week break (we both had to travel to different places) his texting back would take up to 8 hours to reply (this was when he wasn’t traveling). Then our weekly phone date lasted a literal 5 minutes because he got home but I was hurt because I saw him on social media right after. I genuinely missed him and had just admitted to myself that I was in love. We would see each other that weekend but when I asked for the time he’d pick me up he replied a time meaning that the date would only be 2 hours. I hinted of wanting more time but he just said “seems to be a pattern of ours” (referring to the short amount of time we spend together). Hurt and worried he was loosing interest I (stupidly) recorded a voice message that said I had noticed a shift in our relationship, that if he didn’t feel the same way I did I didn’t want to force him to stay with me, that I apologize if I was overreacting I just missed him and had never been in a real relationship before. When we spoke about my message he said he was genuinely confused, I apologized again for overreacting and he told me to trust his feelings but that he needed a break to think about our relationship. At first I respected his space for a week till a wise male friend of mine advised me to talk to him because breaks are never good, that you need to communicate when there’s a problem, and that I was just waiting to get my heart broken considering the contradiction to his “trust my feelings”. So I texted him to meet early expecting the worse, but hoping we’d reconcile. Getting there he had thought I was breaking up with him but I told him about my wise friend and how I realized that I was suffocating our relationship with my worries of getting my heart broken. I apologized and asked for a second chance, he started to move the conversation forward to what we expect from each other going forward. All seemed to go well till he mentioned that he had spent every Saturday with me and missed his friends, but of course I didn’t want to spend an entire day with him I just wanted more than 2 hours -I have friends too. I told him my expectations were a)longer than a 5 min phone call b) seeing him at least once a week and c) no more breaks. He then said he wasn’t sure and though it killed him to say this but because our communication seemed too different he thought it best to end things. I knew that wasn’t the real reason so I asked again for a better reason telling him that I don’t care if the truth hurts me I need closure, his final reason was that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Though he finished this off by telling me how awesome I am (I was like wow am I in the bachelor?) So I wished him the best and have not had contact for 2 weeks, hoping he’d come back but knowing I should move on.

  22. Oh and one final detail is that I was his first kiss (he’s 23) and the first gal he said I love you to so I would think that would have been important to him apparently not enough.

  23. @oneoftheguys hey guys, it’s me again. So I reached out to this guy and he was a total douchebag about it. Pretty much seemed like I meant nothing to him and I’m sure he has a new g or something but I appreciate all the advice and help you guys gave me. At least I know now.

  24. @Sin…..We’re very sorry about that. But like you said, at least you know. And now you can move on knowing that you did everything you could and that he wasn’t the guy you thought he was. Hopefully the next guy will treat you with the respect you deserve.

  25. @Joce……Honestly, we don’t think you overreacted. Clearly things were shifting and you could feel them shifting. He was pulling away and so you called him on it. That’s not an overreaction, that’s a genuine concern. So don’t beat yourself up over this. When you find the right guy you won’t have to do that. Or if something comes up, you’ll discuss it and work through it. A guy who truly respects you and loves you won’t run for the hills at the first sign of conflict. Take care.

  26. @oneoftheguys Thanks for your help! Maybe when I’m richer I’ll use your private messaging (hopefully I won’t need it but hey)! Stay awesome!

  27. @Joce……Funny. You don’t have to be THAT rich. :) As per the private messaging, we just tend to dig in more, like a long, in-depth conversation about relationships. Either way, we’re glad we could help. You take care.

  28. @Joce….ps. We hope you’ll spread the word about our site. Thanks!

  29. We dated for 8 months. Everything was perfect. He was all over me, very much in love. We used to see each other almost everyday even if it was just going to the gym. He used to ask me never to break his heart and he later told me he was thinking about marriage and planning a future together. 7 months into the relationship, we had a lot of arguements due to his jealousy and at that point he tried to end it but we worked things out after a day or two. Everything was perfect again, showing his emotions and spending a lot of time together. Recently he became really busy work his work, there was a lot of things in his life that was putting a lot of stress on him. He started to became distant and 2 weeks later he said he felt like he wants to be on his own and did not want a relationship and commitment. Of course I did everything I could to try save our relationship despite all the warnings online of not to try convince the other to stay. But our relationship was always based on honesty and real feelings and never around games of our mind. Even after meeting a number of times, he stands by his decision of not wanting a relationship right now. I know he still respects me and probably cares for me. I want to know if there is a chance of him changing his mind. We were part of our everyday life for the past 8 months and I hope that if I start no contact he will realise what life is without me and come back? He said he may change his mind in in a week or month or two. He says he doesn’t know how long this feeling is going to last. Iwhat do you think?

  30. @Zez……We are truly sorry. It’s hard to say what’s going to happen. Breaking up is a big step for a guy. Meaning, it’s one thing to think about it, it’s another to actually follow through with it. The fact that he broke things off and still has managed to stand by his decision tells us that he’s pretty clear. Could he come back? Yes, it’s possible. However, be careful. Sometimes guys come back because they’re lonely or horny and then once they’re back in it, they start to realize why they broke up in the first place. Something about the relationship didn’t work for him. It’s hard for us to say what that was. Do you know? Maybe he just couldn’t handle it? He was too jealous?

  31. Hey so currently dealing with a hard and confusing situation. We have dated since we were 18, were now 30 and he turns 30 this year. We haven’t ever been in a rush to get married but have always been committed to each other, we had fun, separate and mutual friends and lived together in that time. Everyone thinks we are the most laid back and sociable couple. We bought a house 3 years ago, we have a cat and a car. I helped support him through opening and building a business. Last year was tough, we got pregnant lost a baby and then I was in a dark place. In July we came off the pill to try again. Basically my body was all over the place and my hormones. I have been so low and I kept pushing him to tell me if he wanted kids or not. Basically a validation that trying was the right thing for both of us.I have also been really un-supportive towards his newly found biological mum, as he has real issues with the death of his adopted mum he has never dealt with. I know relationships have their ups and downs but I would say last year was really a bad one. Recently he had been out all day drinking and when he got drunk I asked him again about wanting kids, he then took my by surprise and left me in shock when he said he loves me but isn’t in love with me, has been unhappy for years and thinks I deserve to be with someone who can give me what I want as he doesn’t see a future with me. He moved out straight away, I said I love you as he left and he said he loved me too.That was three weeks ago. He has been acting like a stranger to me ever since, being cruel, in-sensitive and distant. Its like he has friend zoned me when he messages me, he tells me how well the business is doing but he is unwilling to talk to me about our relationship and is unwilling to try to work on our relationship. I asked if it was over or space, he said space. But he is just throwing away 12 years together. I know he has been getting wasted and working since we split, but not trying to grow. I don’t know what I should do? I could move on but I know I love him and I’m worried he has got scared. I am also worried he wants to be with someone else, though he has said their is no one else. Should I just give up? I wanted to send him a letter or reach out to him, but right now he just seems so cold and distant towards me. I really need to understand from a guys perspective of what I should do here?

  32. I dated my boyfriend for 11 months.. Threatened to break up with him because everytime we discussed issues and decide it won’t happen again he’d go and do it again. When we fight he switches off his phone for days and say he was just cooling off. A week ago I threatened to break up again and he actually broke up with me. He says he can’t be in a relationship where he doesn’t feel secure. Thought we’d work things out, but he’s not interested in that. He talk to me when I call or text… Is there a chance of us working things out?

  33. @Lainy…..We are so sorry. But we’ll be honest. We don’t think we can do your question justice here in the comments section. (Our Ask a Private Question would be a better option for you since your question is complex and we believe deserves a more in-depth discussion.) That said, we’ll do our best here. We’d give him a little time. He knows where to find you. Let him sort some things out for a week or two. Is sending a letter a good idea? Actually, we think so. (It’s not going to hurt, although there are no guarantees it will help.) But at least it will allow you to take your time and get your thoughts in order, and allow him to “hear” it on his own terms.

  34. @Tiny….We know you love him, but do you think you were happy with him? It sounds like there were a lot of conflicts. Sure, relationships always have conflicts, but when the same conflicts keep coming up, it’s important to take a look at that. Also, do you really want to be with a guy who shuts down when there’s an issue. Life is long and full of ups/downs. You need a partner who you can rely on. What do you think? Hang in there.

  35. My boyfriend of 6 months ended things with me out of the blue 2 weeks ago. About a month before I felt he was really falling for me calling multiple times a day and wanting to see me all he could. He got irritated at me bc of a parenting decision I made and though we talked about it we never fought. But he never got over it. It seemed everything I did after that irritated him until he just ended things. He had told me before I had been a bright light in his otherwise dark world. Now he won’t talk to me and at church he can’t look at me. He pretends I’m not there. We’re both almost 40. His wife of 10 years threw him out one day without notice. He still deals with this emotionally. Maybe that has nothing to do with it. Any thoughts?

  36. @Kay…..We’re really so sorry. This sounds very hard. Question: How recently has he been split/divorced with his wife? Why did she throw him out? (What are his reasons?) Are there kids involved? What was the parenting decision that he was upset about? About your kids or his?

  37. He has been divorced 3 years. His reason is shecwas seeing someone else. He’s got two teenagers and so do I. He was upset that I let my 17 year old daughter stay over night by herself. He’s very strict with his kids and tho I want to be it’s a struggle doing it alone. When we were together he was such an encourager for me and helped me. My kids love him and his love me :(

  38. Sara236 // May 11, 2017 at 10:29 am //

    Hey, my ex broke up with me three months ago very quickly and out of the blue, we’d been together a year and a half. From when we first met he fell in love with me very quickly and was so committed which hadn’t happened to him before and he said I showed him a new side to himself and we were so happy. During the relationship I annoyed him at points by saying jealous comments or making a fuss about something really silly, he got angry quickly at these things but would say afterwards ‘I do really love you I don’t know what I’d do without you’. Then three weeks before we broke up I asked why he was talking to some girls on his Snapchat and he got really angry and stormed out of my flat back to his, the next day he was texting me saying we need to meet to talk about ‘how to fix us’ so we met up but he was still annoyed and we didn’t really talk about anything properly, I didn’t realise it was me who obviously had some insecurity which I should have and he just was saying I shouldn’t be saying the things I was. Anyway we were back to normal that evening and he said he was going to try and stop being so hot headed. Then three weeks later we had an argument that I started not intentionally over something so stupid I just wouldn’t drop it for some reason and see how I was acting.. it was over text, he got very annoyed and was at a party so said he’d talk to me tomorrow. The next day we didn’t talk till the late afternoon and he was sounding like he was going to break up with me saying we needed to meet in person etc and that he’d given me all these chances to stop saying jealous stuff but I wasn’t and he said it’s just who I am.. can he say those things? I was just so weak in reply saying like I’m so sorry I promise I won’t do it again etc which I can see is bad looking back. So it ended with him saying he’ll trust me and then the next day he bought me valentines stuff etc but that night at a party we were at, which was the first time I saw him since, he was distant and then around 2:30am he ended it as we were walking to get food saying he still wasn’t sure about us. He said he didn’t feel comfortable talking to girls and when he saw me he ‘just cant’ be in the relationship i guessed. I was really upset and shocked, it ended with him saying he needed space. So for the next four days I waited for him to message but he didn’t so I went round to his house and I was angry which I really regret now cos probably destroyed any chance of us staying together? And he said he wasn’t committed but not why.. then I’ve found out now he began seeing a new girl very quickly after. But I know nothing was happening when we were together but she was at the party that night when he wasn’t really with me and there’s a picture of her kissing one of his cheeks and his housemate kissing the other? Do you think me being jealous was the reason we broke up? Did it just change how he saw me? Because he was just so in love I don’t understand how he’s seeing someone else, although he doesn’t know I know that, and when we did argue he wouldn’t break up because he loved me even if he was very angry but then did he just get tired of it? It really wasn’t loads of times but I think to him it felt like that.. I regret my behaviour so so much because everything we had was perfect and I should have just relaxed and appreciated it all alot more, in person we never had any issues it was just over text I would get annoyed sometimes. I can’t help feeling what we had was so special but he seems to think it was all for the best, is there anything I can say to him to get him to realise everything we had? We both leave uni in under a month and it’s so sad to think I won’t see him again, I don’t get how he’d able to just leave and not see me either.. is there anything I can do? Thank you!

  39. @the guys, thank you for your advice. I sent the email being open and honest and spelling it out. He didn’t respond which is what I expected. It hurts after 12 years to be over but after 4 weeks and opening my heart to have silence I have decided to let go now. Maybe he just got comfortable and was never really on love like he said. At least I know now and can learn to be me before I become someone to someone else. Thank you for your words x

  40. @Kay…….Seems like he used that as an excuse because it doesn’t seem like a deal breaker. We know you’re very hurt by this and that you still care about him, but he’s not handling this situation very maturely. Sounds like he’s been wounded badly and is ready to put up a wall at the first sign of conflict, even if the conflict isn’t much of anything. We are sorry.

  41. @Sara236……Please revise and shorten if you’d like us to comment/respond. (Due to volume of comments we can only respond to shorter, more straightforward questions.) That said, if you want to have an in-depth conversation, we’d recommend you choose the Ask a Private question option on our site and follow the steps.

  42. @Lainy…..Sounds like you at least have gotten some closure. You take care of yourself. Glad we were able to help a little. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends.

  43. Hi… I am beside myself this week. My boyfriend and I have been together just shy of a year now. We had known each other casually for years through a very good mutual friend. He begged my friend for years to set him up with me…I always said no. I moved back after living out of state for 7 years and started to get to know him better as a friend… I fell in love with him. He was wonderfull.. we are both a little older (37 and 40)both have kids jobs etc… so when the relationship moved fast I just thought it was because we both knew whT we wanted. He moved in after about 6 months and we had been talking about our future and marriage. I always felt that he loved me very much… he hadn’t dated anyone for years and said he had been waiting to find someone like me. He was fun and sweet and always made me feel beautiful and special and loved. We had a fight over something stupid about a month ago and I told him to leave…he did. But after a few days I went and talked to him after he contacted me and he came home. We had a great few weeks.. saying we were both just being stubborn and never again and we would always get threw anything together. last week he was very short and angry with me over a misunderstanding about what time he was coming home… he acted like a jerk all night and I told him that I could find anyone to treat me like this and that he didn’t act like he cares about me anymore unless he was fucked up. I wouldn’t come to bed that night.I slept on the couch. The next day he did the come home from work. He wouldn’t answer his phone or text me back and when he finally did he said things that really scared me like.. im trying to figure out what is best and you deserve better… I can’t make you happy.. I need to get myself together.. then nothing for three days. Last Sunday he finally tells me he’s done and he came and got his things while I was at work. I made a fool of myself calling and texting him those three days but after Sunday I stopped. He hasn’t tried to get a hold of me except to ask if I was ok after a mutual friend told him I was in a fender bender the other day… he also had told him I was fine. I said I’m fine. Thank you for asking. And that was it. Nothing else. Last night I texted. .. wish you were here. And got no response. I am so heartbroken. I really love him so much. I’m sure I hurt his ego and I did apologize at one point for the things I said that night. He always used to say that I saw something in him that no oneelse did and that I made him feel so good about himself. I want him to come home so badly… I love him so much. I know he loves me…but he’s very stubborn and I don’t know if he will come home or not. I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I don’t think he has even told many people yet. Im so confused and hurt.. we were so in love.

  44. @jenny….We’re a little unclear as to what happened. What were your arguments about? What did you say to him when you were angry? Also, do you/did you trust him? Meaning, trust that he thinks about you when he makes decisions?

  45. Hey guys.. Me ex boyfriend (6 months)and I broke up 2 days ago. Long story short, I had a lot of concerns and came to him frequently about it. This frustrated him. Finally I expressed my last concern to him – giving attention to other women e.g. complimenting them, checking them out in front of me, and being friends with women he has slept with. It turned into a fight after he got defensive. The next day he broke up with me. It was messy as I cried and sadly begged for our relationship and he responded with “its done, please leave” I am madly in love with this man. My daughter is also very involved as well, she loves him. Will he come back? Is there any hope? Tell me he just needs space. This love is too strong to just give up.

  46. @Elle….We know you love him but it sounds like you’re compromising a lot to be with him. And what would that be? Trust. Clearly you don’t trust him. And probably for good reason. Relationships are built on trust. Without that you don’t have much. Meaning, if you stayed with him and he continues his ways eventually you would grow to resent him and the love would fade. What do you think? And we are sorry. You hang in there.

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