Break up confusion; will he come back?

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Today’s question:

Dear Guys,

He kept telling me that he wasn’t sure that he was making the right decision and that he was afraid that he might regret this. I didn’t cry, I just kinda remained stoic; and he kept saying, “Don’t act like this. Don’t act like this is not a big deal. This is a big deal. This is not easy for me.” He said that he wants to be everything to me. He said that he wants to be the guy that I want to marry, but he’s just not sure how he feels. Confusing, right?

I guess my question is, is he really unsure or is he trying to make me feel better? Is there any hope that we can get back together? Just some more info, about a month ago, he started telling me that he feels like I’m not in love with him anymore, that something felt off. Nothing was off with me, but I was just going through personal problems. I asked him if he felt that way and was just deflecting, but he said no way. That he knew exactly how he felt for me. And that he was absolutely in love.

What makes a guy be so in love one minute and then just change the next? What the heck happened? Do you think he’ll come back?


Dear LoriAnn,

It’s obvious he cares about you. And he’s probably really bummed that he doesn’t feel sure about you. But to us it seems like he’s deflecting and trying to put it on you. In general, actions speak louder than words, and he’s choosing to break up with you instead of trying to work things out with you. That is a pretty powerful message.

Guys do get scared about commitment, but if they really are into a woman, they keep that fear to themselves or share it with their buds. They don’t usually break up with a woman, saying they’re not sure how they feel. We’re not usually that stupid.

So to answer your question whether or not he will come back, we can’t really answer that, only ask you whether or not you’ll want him back if and when he decides to come back? And do you really want someone who is so unsure about you and the relationship? (We know he said he’s sure, but then why is he breaking up with you? We doubt it’s because he’s unsure whether or not you love him.) And if that truly is the reason, then you might be dealing with someone a bit too insecure for you.

We know you care for this man, but there are men out there who are certain of what they want and willing to work at the relationship in order to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted.


50 Comments on Break up confusion; will he come back?

  1. lostandconfused too // April 26, 2013 at 1:51 am //

    @lostandconfused Same exact thing happened to me a few days ago. We dated for a year. He didn’t match last year after graduation and had to scramble for an intern postion…luckily it was in the same state but only for 1 year and had to go thru another round of interviews for a secured position. It was a really hard time for me because I had told him that I loved him last within 6 mos of our relationship…I thought he was on the same page as I was from all his affection and he told me a few times drunkenly (I never took him seriously because he was under the influence). I was totally shocked and felt very confused when he told me that he didn’t know that we were at that level yet and wasn’t sure if he felt the same for me. I freaked out and told him I needed a break. But he came back the next day and told me that it was admirable for me telling him that I loved him. He said that he just felt uncertain about his life, future and happiness. I told him that he needs to make sure that he is happy with himself before he can make anyone else happy. We got back together and I stood by him through his second round of interview process. Because he didn’t love me and the possibility of him moving, I started to distance myself from him. I wasn’t acting the same as I did before because I was trying to protect myself. Finally, he matched to his specialty and we knew for sure that he didn’t have to move. I was feeling really frustrated and started to feel like I hated him for not loving me. Every bad thing that happened between us I kept on blaming it on love – “oh duh, he doesn’t love me.” I built it up for so long and I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him last week. He didn’t say anything, he’s not a good communicator or with expressing his feelings. I texted him that night and asked if he was confused and he wrote me back “I just got off of work and I’m so tired. Please give me time.” He then wrote me an email the next day saying that it was the best way to express himself…He ended up breaking up with me and saying that I deserved more and that I was an amazing girlfriend and made him feel as if he was walking on air during our relationship. I wrote him back and told him that all I wanted was for him to tell me how he feels and that I didn’t want us to break up for this. When we met up to talk face-to-face he told me that I wasn’t the right girl in the end and that we can’t be together. To my surprise, I didn’t cry but he did. He said he felt torn up and that he wanted to throw up. He said that he hasn’t felt anything lately and doesn’t know why we weren’t right for each other, all he knew was that he needed this. I insisted that we shouldn’t give up and work on it but he was unwilling. At the end of our conversation, I felt useless, insecure, confused and weak. I held his hand and looked at him straight in the eye and told him that all I want was for him to be happy and if it takes me out of the picture then so be it. I’ll have to move on. He started to ball and he said, “I’m sorry but I just know that this is right and this is how I feel and I feel terrible doing this to you.” I told him that its okay and I’ll be fine. I knew at that point that I couldn’t do anything to recover the relationship. I think ultimately I wanted him to fight for me and tell me that he loved me but he didn’t. He gave up so there was no sense for me to any willpower. I told myself after that it could just be him – he’s busy, stressed, depressed and not thinking straight but I can’t make him realize that, he had to on his own. I gave him back his key and he just stared at it for 5 minutes and left. I truly care and love him so much but now all I want to do is to hate him and move on fast. I feel used, I feel like I wasn’t ever myself when I was with him, I feel like I can never love another person because it just scares people away. feel like the whole relationship was a lie, he knew that he had me in the bag once I told him that I loved him and just stopped trying after that and then ultimately couldn’t love me at all. I was so confident and secure and now I feel like I don’t even know myself. I just felt like he kept on saying that I was amazing, a good person, etc but he was using my qualities against me and said that I wasn’t right for him? Is that just an excuse? Because of that I don’t even know how to ever be in a relationship at all now.

  2. @Lostandconfusedtoo……This is so hard, especially when you can’t pinpoint a specific reason for a breakup. But believe us, he has one, even if he’s not completely aware of it. He wants to feel a certain way with a woman, and he doesn’t feel that with you. We’re really sorry. Still, it’s sad for him, because he does realize you’re great and wonderful. So what’s the take away? Well, let yourself grieve, but understand that you might love this guy but he’s not the guy for you. You deserve better. You deserve someone who reciprocates your love, and he’s out there. You don’t need to do anything. You don’t need to change. You don’t need to worry about how to be in a relationship. When you meet the right person you’ll just be yourself and that will be enough. But it might take some time to get over this. Be patient with yourself. And surround yourself with people who care about you. Every day or week you’ll feel just a little better. Hang in there.

  3. Okay so me and my boyfriend went out for 3 years. He was completely in love with me sometimes i would get annoyed because i felt like he was too obsessed with me. We broke up a couple times and one of those times he slept with another girl and didnt tell me so then we got back. Eventually i found out and i forgave him because in the beginining of our relationship i messed up too. I could never really get over what he did and it would make him so upset to know that i couldnt get over it and it was all his fault a couple times he cried and told me how sorry he was. But he loved me so much and i loved him. Well we were fighting alot so i broke up with him and wouldnt talk to him so he said lets take some time to think. Well he texted me after a few days saying he missed me and loved me and couldnt eat or sleep because all he thought about was me.I told him i felt the same way. So we started talking and were gonna get back then all of a sudden he said he needed to think and didnt know if we should get back. He was hanging with his friends alot and they dont really like us together. So i begged for him back this time and he eventually said he just wants to be bestfriends but i told him if he doesnt wanna be with me then he doesnt get any part of me. He never answered that text and i dropped off his stuff and it was awkward because he was outside with all of his friends and seemed to be having a good time but when he saw me he look shocked and i left and its still been 3 days since we talked. So what do you think is going to happen? Do you think he met someone new and thats why he suddenly changed his mind or do you think that hes just having fun with his friends but eventually he will wanna get back? I just wanna know how long it will be before he texts me.

  4. oh and to add on i can see some of the people he texts because i have his cell phone bill thing and everytime we’ve been in a fight or broken up he talks to this one girl named Becca. Becca is his friend and she used to be my friend and say she loved us together and she always talked to him whenever we would fight one time i saw the conversation and she wasnt on his side or mine but recently she got dumped and the day that my ex started changing his mind i saw that she was texting him. I dont know if this means anything because she mightve just been giving him advice saying do you really wanna get back with her and go through all of this again? IDK. but my mom knows him really well and she thinks he started talking to someone else but the thing is i know all the girls he hangs out with they never hangout with anybody new and all my exes friends used to say tell him how lucky he was because i was better looking then alot of girls they’ve seen so i dont think its because he found someone better i just dont know what happened how one day he literally was saying how happy he was we were talking again and then the next day he went to school and after school he changed his mind. I do think his friends pursuaded him alot but the last thing he said to me was he wants to be bestfriends and he loves me and always will and wants to stay in touch at all times and i pretty much said if you dont wanna be with me then u dont get any of me and we havent talked since i just wanna know whats going on in his mind right now from a guys perspective

  5. @Peyton…..It’s hard to answer this question. There’s been a lot of drama between the two of you. And sometimes relationships run their course. We get the sense that your relationship has been headed for a breakup for quite a while. Both of you have been not completely sure even though you say you are. So we get the sense that there’s something that draws you together and also something that pulls you apart. What that is might be undefined, but it seems to be a pattern. So with that said, we’re not sure how this will play out. Likely the two of you will be drawn together only to be pulled apart again. Good luck.

  6. Just and update for everyone. It’s been almost 2 months since our break up, and we have not contacted each other at all. No calling, texting… nothing. I know that it’s over between us, but I feel so much better without him. I suggest to all my sad people out there to block all communication after a break up. You will feel empowered, stronger, and in control. Life gets rough, but after two months i’m okay. It gave me time to look at our relationship, and now I don’t want to be in it anymore. Just remember keep your head up, it was hard at first, but each day is getting better.

  7. charlie (I'm a // May 23, 2013 at 4:55 pm //

    Ok…I am 35, I met this guy….we dated for six months…honeymoon phase over..things got real. I pretty much know why we broke up. We argued a lot and he said I was stressing him out, to put it lightly he was stressing me too. Lost weight and everything. But I really loved him, the problem was 1) he wanted to be young again…he is 33. Meaning hanging with his friends every chance he got…mind you they were in the age range of 24-26. 2) he said I didn’t want him to do anything. Not gonna lie….I was tired of all the bs that was going on, but I’m an adult, so I am willing to work things out maturely! But when he dumped me….I was crying and begging…something I never have done…don’t know what came over me. Forward…two weeks to the day of dumping me, he and I are talking…he is texting me …his words…”I’m over you, let bygones be bygones…move on I have”…my response. Ok, bye. An hour later, I get a text he had been drinking (he is into his feelings and emotions when drinking)…he sends me this long text about why he left me, because I was hard to talk to, that he really wanted to marry me, and wanted to build with me, and I always talk about the past.and he shows up at my house. He says he wanted to know if I forgave him, if I would accept his apology, and if we could be friends. I responded…i accept, I apologize and HELL NO…we couldn’t be friends. When I said HELL NO.. He says to me, why, you want to be something more? He kept trying throughout the convo, try to somehow make me remember the “good times”..and telling me he really wasn’t over me, and he still loved me, that he missed me. I just couldn’t say it back…I don’t know..I just didn’t want to read to much into it. I didn’t know what to believe. Because before this night anything he would say to me was so mean and drove me.crazy. Mind you whenever he got drunk…I would get a call or text…and HE is the one talking about or bringing up the past. Crazy.thing is he is attached to MY kids…they still talk..he still does things for.them, still wants to see them. It’s just crazy…mind you we just broke up April 30th… is just confusing….I don’t know what to do anymore…but I am sure that I still love him…he told me that I changed his mindset that night…whatever that means. My point is….question should I say…is he playing with me and my emotions…I’m more guarded now…he broke my heart already…can’t take another shot at me. I’m getting stronger everyday…but I don’t want to play games…can you help me with this one….thanks…

  8. @Klc…..Thanks for the update and for sharing your experience and insight. We’re happy for you. Take care.

  9. @Charlie……Sometimes, even when people care about one another and the chemistry is great, it still doesn’t work. How does one know? When the relationship becomes enervating instead of energizing. When the fighting outweighs the loving. He sounds like a guy who wishes he could be the guy for you—married, be with your kids, etc.—but a part of him just doesn’t want that. And that’s why he’s hanging out with his young friends. If he’s with you he has an insta-family. He might love you and your kids, but something inside of him is saying NO. And that’s why you’re getting all these mixed-messages. This is one of those situations that just doesn’t quite fit. Sorry. That’s how we see this. So if this is the case you’re better off cutting ties and trying to move on. And not letting your kids get more attached than they already are. Take care and good luck.

  10. Eleanor // May 28, 2013 at 10:08 am //

    My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 3 months ago. We were very happy and the break up came totally out of the blue. He told me three days before that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. We are really young (I’m 19 and he’s 18) and we are in first year of going to different universities.
    I asked him if he was ever scared about us growing apart (he said no he didn’t think we had and wasn’t worried) but 2 days later he came over and broke up with me. He said that since i’d said that he had become scared we had and that he loves me and would for a really long time but it was too hard to be in a relationship, study, work and see his friends and family. I also got the impression he wanted to be single as he really had never experienced it before as we met when he was 16.
    For a month afterward he went on and off and said he was confused so we met up but he said that he thought he’d made the right decision.
    Since then it’s been two months and we’ve slipped into being friends without any effort – we talk more often than i do any other of my friends from college (4 to 5 times a week) and when we talk sometimes it can be for hours.
    I want to be friends with him because I don’t want to lose touch but it’s really hard because it’s more than how I am with my friends yet less than what I want from him.
    I know we’re young and in some ways I think he made the right decision to test the water and see what its like being single. But I don’t know whether he’s ever going to come back. Should I hold on or move on??

  11. Miranda // May 29, 2013 at 2:14 am //

    Okay, so yesterday my boyfriend and I ended our relationship after being together for over four years. Naturally, I’m very upset and worried that this might really be the end. I love him with all of my heart and want more than anything to work things out with him and get back together soon. Here is our story:

    He and I started dating while we were seniors in high school. He is now 22, and I am 21. Over the past 4 years, we have had many good times, and have made many happy memories. Our relationship, I would say, was better than most. We almost never fought, we made each other laugh, we supported each other, we had great chemistry, and above all we love each other. After we had been together for about a year and a half, he decided he was going to join the marines. When he told me this, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to stay with him and work through the challenges of a military relationship because he was always worth it to me. Ive been 100% faithful and have stuck by his side this entire time. Although it was sometimes hard to be without him during the months he was gone in bootcamp, training, and deployed in afghanistan, the times we would spend together when he came home were always worth the wait. Luckily, he is stationed close to home, so we are able to see each other almost every weekend.

    So here is the problem… Since we have been together he has been saying he is never going to get married. This is something that I eventually want tho. Ive told him countless times that I would love to marry him one day, and he knows how important it is to me. In the beginning, it didn’t bother me that he said he never wanted to get married because I wasn’t even entirely sure we would be together for that long. But as time went on and i fell more and more in love with him, it began to bother me. Even still, when he said he didnt want to get married i just chalked it up to him being a guy and us being so young. But over the past year he has still continued to say it. And a few months ago he told me he was thinking about re-enlisting and changing to a job that would basically make it so that he would be on back to back 12-18 deployments for about 4 years, and he would only be able to come home for maybe a few weeks in between. Although he hasnt officially decided that this is what he truly wants to do, it still scares me that he is thinking about doing it because it makes me feel like he still isnt thinking about a future for us.

    Earlier this week I wrote him a letter expressing my thoughts and concerns about the whole situation, but mostly about me wanting to eventually settle down with him and get married and start a family. When we talked about it yesterday he seemed mad about it at first because he said i was putting him on the spot and he doesnt know what he wants. I told him i couldnt keep waiting around, hoping and wishing that he would one day change his mind. by this time his demeanor changed and he seemed to be a bit sad/upset. he then started to say that maybe he just needed time. I replied by saying its been four years and that he should know by now. when we decided that was it, he told me he felt bad and that he was sorry. I said it was okay because we were both doing the same thing by taking a stand for what we want. When he walked me to my car, he asked if he would ever see me again. I said idk. he asked if he could till text me and i said yes. As i got in my car he told me he didnt want to let me leave but that maybe this would open his eyes and we can get back together. All of his family and friends love me for him, and he told me that they all already think he is dumb for not wanting to make me his for good. I’m sure they’ll all be giving him a hard time about our break up.

    As I said in the begging, though, all I want more than anything is for us to work things out. Do you think there is any hope for us? do you think he’ll realize what he lost and try to make things work?

  12. @Eleanor…….This is a timing issue. You’re young. He wants to test the waters, not be in a serious relationship. We think you need to do the same.

  13. @Miranda………We said this to the previous question. This is a timing issue. He’s young. He’s not ready for anything serious. But people do change their minds. He could be adamant about not getting married now and in five years do a complete 180. It’s hard to say if there’s hope or not. But if he’s moving on, you need to do the same. Space and time are on your side. If you remain in touch with him, or stay close friends, it’s going to blurry the waters. Let him figure this out. It’s hard to say if he’ll be back, but either way the ball is in his court.

  14. Kristen // May 29, 2013 at 6:00 pm //

    My story is a little similar. But also very different.

    My guy and I had a class together last semester we never talked. He would always come up to me at parties or bars and say I and I would never know who he was, and then he would tell me and I would say Oh hi and that was usually the end of it. But in January he came up to me and I knew who he was and we started talking and flirting. He came back to my house that night to watch Tv and that was it. We knew we liked each other and there was no chasing no nonsense..we knew we liked each other and that was it. About a month later we started dating. Things were perfect, we got along very well and his friends liked me. I loved going out with him and a bunch of people on the weekends and I think that is a very rare quality to find in a girl as most girls who are comfortable tend to be more homely. Anyways, we started arguing about really stupid things but it was usually always fixed within hours the longest it was a day. We broke up in the heat of an argument and that lasted for a day, and things definitely started getting better after that. He is very introverted, so it was very hard for me to get him to open up and I never really pushed him to, just let him do that on his own and he did. He started telling me he has never been in a long relationship and his longest was about 5 months (which kind of scared me because I really liked him and wanted a long term relationship). However, he said that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever been with and that he loved me, he loved that I was so patient with him and even though we had our little issues we always worked it out because I was worth it. It is may now, and we had to move out of our apartments on our college campus. He just graduated and has an internship so he was going to stay in town and even though we are the same age I am a couple years behind so I went to go stay with my dad until it was time for me to go home to Louisiana until the fall semester starts. We went from seeing each other everyday to maybe once a week on the weekends. It was very different and this caused problems because I am a neurotic control freak. This was addressed and corrected. However, he started to act weird..not in a bad way but enough to make me sort of worry. We had plans for me to spend the weekend with him. We had both expressed our excitement but then a couple days before we got into a small argument. He said that it would be better if I came up next weekend and naturally I freaked out. I was so excited to see him and I didn’t want to go another week without seeing him. He said his friend has been complaining about how he misses hanging out with him and that when I am present (which I usually am because from my understanding we all had so much fun together and we all got along) it is a completely different night because when im not there he can go hard and do whatever he wants. Which worried me, because since we have been together he has always invited me to go out with him and his friends, I never pressured him and it was just kind of an assumed thing that I would be there. Then we talked the next day and he said he still wanted me to come up and so it happened. Thursday night was a great night, we had some drinks at a friends house and then went to bed. The next morning we went to work and I cleaned his apartment because I told him I would. However, I needed to use the computer to get some online homework done so I got on. His facebook was up and I told myself if I looked it would cause trouble..however the temptation was to great and I caved. He has been talking to a girl, harmless flirting but still wrong. This girl apparently used to go to our school and they were friends. She just got out of a relationship, and has been hardcore flirting with him and he has been flirting back. Also, in a conversation with his friend (the one that misses him) he was talking very badly about me, and how I think I “own him” because I wanted to go through with the plans to spend the weekend together. And how he told me he wanted me to come up next weekend so him and his friend could go out, meaning they could go to the bars and flirt with girls and hookup or whatever. Also things like im crazy, and that he will probably break up with me soon. I tried not to think about it because I thought it was normal for guys to complain about girlfriends like this. So that night I just didn’t say anything, but kind of hinted at the fact I knew what was going on. The night was fine, we went out to his friends (the same one) and we got along…which is really weird because apparently he doesn’t like me I guess..? Then we went home and laughed and hung out like it was fine. I asked him are we ok and he looked at me and said as far as he knows its perfect. Then I started getting a little cold and shrugged off him being cute with me and kind of ignored him then he went to bed and I slept on the couch. In the morning we were fine and we layed together and then we started talking, he brought up how the previous night I was dropping hints and he got it. He said some of the things I was saying made sense and that he misses being single and we couldn’t progress in our relationship as long as he had those thoughts. I cried naturally and left. I have not talked to him since it happened but today I sent him a text saying I have had time to think and gained some new perspective and accepted it and im okay and I wish him the best. He texted back right away and said he wishes the same for me. I then said an hour later that I don’t think it was the right decision but that I was okay with it if it makes him happy he then right away said he feels like it was the right thing and it wasn’t easy and im not 100% sure about right now but I think its for the best.

    (All of his friends have told me, his family has told me, that he has never shown interest in a girl like he has with me and that they know he is happy with me and that I could be the one and blah blah blah. I have seen pictures of the girls hes been with in the past. I am not one to sit and bash other women and am able to recognize a beautiful woman when I see one. But these girls are not attractive, and the girl he was messaging on FB was no where close to being attractive.)

    We got along so well and everyone including us could see that we were perfect together. We were such a great match. We had ALL of the same interests and we would always joke about how together we made a whole brain because im very artsy and creative and hes very logical and mathematical. We were perfect and aside from the normal little arguments and such we were a perfect match.

    This is the man I truly feel I belong with and I whole heartedly believe that he will never find better than me. I have talked to several guy friends including an ex and they say they have all been in that situation before and it was a matter of time before they came crawling back.
    I plan on giving him his space and not contacting him. I will give him this summer and I will go home and try to live my life. Hopefully come aug when it is time for school again and he starts his masters program he will realize he needs to put his party days to the side (because he has told me that before that he will need to stop going out so much to focus on getting this degree). I want him to realize he made a mistake and come back to me. Because I love this man more than anything, and I understand that guys can be stupid sometimes and make mistakes. We were so perfect together and I believe he is the one for me and we were meant to be. What do you think?

  15. @Kristen……We know you’re hurting and we’re sorry, but he’s made it clear that he wants to be single to explore, or do whatever he wants. Yes, it’s true that guys like to complain about their girlfriends, and that that doesn’t mean they want to break up. But in your case, the fact that he went through with the break up means he’s serious about doing his own thing. We’re sorry. The only thing we can say is don’t blame yourself for this. You didn’t do anything, or rather, you couldn’t have done anything differently that would have made a difference. Most relationships run their course and then the people move on and hopefully bring what they learned to the next relationship. That’s the best you can do here. Hang in there and take care.

  16. Charlie...the woman // June 1, 2013 at 1:18 am //

    Hi, Charlie again…update: So, my ex decides to move to Arizona…ok, let me go back. May 26, he comes to my home wanted to spend time with me and my kids. He is here all day. He tells me that he is moving to Arizona, and that he wants me and my kids to move there with him. And when i move there he wants to marry me. He told me he loves the f*ck out of me and my kids and he wants it to work out between us. He was saying so much, about how he felt. That was on a Sunday, after he left… I didn’t hear not a peep from him until i texted him Wednesday upset. I told him I didn’t liked to be mind f*cked…and that i didn’t appreciate him telling me or my kids a bunch of bs. That my kids really thought he was being honest about what he was saying. Well…he went off on me…lol..he told me that he was NOT playing with me or my kids. That he was serious about us moving and him marrying me. And that he was tired of me trying to find something to argue about and coming at him with it. His words were this and i quote..” Don’t come at me with this or that, come at me with that or this. Just text me when you got your mind right and your ready”… I was like well damn! My problem with this is, i understand we are broken up…which makes this even more crazy! But i don’t know what to believe…moving…it’s no biggie for me, I’ve been wanting to move out of NC for a while. But, it’s hard for me to believe him when he says that on one day, then i don’t hear from him afterwards…(but he was talking to my daughter…weird). This guy has me puzzled. When he was here he told me everybody told him that he should forget about me…lol…doesn’t surprise me…they are his friends and family….they are suppose to say those things, pretty sure they got his side….lol…but he told me that he doesn’t care what they all say, that he feels like he messed up on the best thing he ever had…and he wants to move to start over. He suggested therapy and everything to help it work out. I guess, to be honest the main problem then (when we were together) and now (afterwards)….it’s me and my insecurities….and my fear of….him leaving me….it’s what makes me react…crazy….lol…I’m honest about it all now….it pushed him away….not taking total blame…just my part…lol…i know he lives me and my kids…but i am just so scared at times that i do and say things that pushes him away from me….ughhhh…..idk…well, he leaves for Arizona tomorrow….and I’m going at this 50/50…if he is really wanting us to move than…we will see…time will tell….maybe he will miss me…who knows!!!

  17. @Charlie……Just don’t blame yourself for everything. He is being confusing. It’s easy to pour your heart out during an emotional time, but you need consistency. That’s how relationships endure. Through consistency. He’s far from consistent. You don’t need a hot and cold relationship, no matter how hot and wonderful it can be at times. You need something solid day in and day out. And your kids need it even more. Please consider that before you pull up your roots and leave. Keep in mind that he might say he’s not going to listen to his friends/family, but believe us, their words are in his ears. And as soon as he sniffs that something isn’t right, those words will come pouring out.

  18. Kristen // June 7, 2013 at 1:32 am //

    Hi this is Kristen again! my story is down below. Ok so a couple days after I texted him and he texted me back I sent him a facebook message. I know I said I would be NC but its so hard. We were just chatting and didn’t talk about the relationships he was bringing up old inside jokes and just hardcore flirting with me. this went on for 20 minutes or so, then I ended the conversation. The next day, I did the same thing and told him that yesterday talking to him made me miss us and he said im sorry. then explained that he is just torn as to what he wants. I asked him if he ever sees us getting back together and he said yeah eventually maybe. Then I got a little emotional and we talked and then I ended the conversation again. That night I went out to the bars with my girlfriends and had a good time. At about 1230 he texted me saying that he had been thinking and that he really does miss me..all the time and that he is addicted to me and still wants to be with me. He told me to come over to his house and sleep with him and that we would talk in the morning if I came over (before you say that it was a booty call, I know it wasn’t. Our relationship was not very physical, sure we had sex but our connection was much more emotional and mental than physical. He isn’t like most guys, yeah he likes sex but isn’t in the mood for it that often, he really just likes to cuddle and fall asleep holding me while watching futurama or something). I told him that I had been drinking and that I wasn’t driving. He begged me to come over because he missed me so much. I said no then my phone died. The next day I called him to see what was up about yesterday and he basically told me he was drunk. I asked him if he meant any of it and he said that he did and that when he is drinking that is the part of him that opens up and that he couldn’t tell me all of that sober because he was afriad. He said a part of me still does want to be with you and that he still does love me and last night when he was drunk that side was winning. I asked if he wanted me back and he said not at the moment and then I said ok and ended the conversation. I have not spoken to him since then and its Friday now. He texted me Thursday night and asked if I wanted one of my dance shoes back that I left at his house. Was this just a way for him to talk to me and possibly see me, without seeming needy? I am so confused. Part of me feels better that he said all that drunk because now I know that his mind reverts to me when he is drunk and you know the expression a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts. I want him to come back so bad. Any thoughts? I know your probably going to stay you need to move on, but I am really trying to get him back. Im in no contact right now, what do you think with him drunk texting me and texting me back asking if I wanted my things. Also I saw all of his friends at the bar last weekend when he texted me and they all said yeah you were the best he can get he is just confused and needs some time I bet in a month or so he will come crawling back don’t worry. HELP!!!!

  19. @Kristen….You’re right. We think you need to move on. His drunk calling is all part of the break up process. Sure, maybe he’s more open about his feelings when he’s drunk, but he’s also drinking because he’s lonely. (This happens after breakups.) Both parties feel lonely and sad like a part of them is missing. It doesn’t mean the couple should get back together, it just means that they miss each other. Guys have a hard time giving up the sex as well. We know you say he’s different, but he’s still a guy. But this doesn’t mean he wants to get back together. Understand that. The longer this goes on the longer you’ll be in an emotional holding pattern.

  20. lost_girl // June 11, 2013 at 11:58 am //

    Please help, I met my guy through mutual friends both of us had come out of relationships although his was a bit harder on him then mine was on me, he is a father of two younger kids and a very good one at that. He does not bring girls he just “DATES” around them and I have a huge respect for that. So the long and short here, we met, spent a lot of time together over the course of a month we had a blast, its a small circle of friends that we are all very close together with. I am a busy and very independent woman, when he had games or things to do with his kids I was happy for him and would leave him alone, not wanting to be disrespectful of his time with his kids or anything. So I was thinking everything was fine, the only thing I asked was that he not be sleeping with any other girls, he had said he was good with that and wouldn’t. Over time he started talking about how he could see himself with me, his mother would love me and things were easy with me, but that he was starting to get scared of how he felt for me. That he wasn’t very good at relationships they always end, that he didn’t want to hurt me. Blah blah anyway it all seemed like a big cop out, he could commit to sleeping with just me but that was as far as it could go, I wasn’t a girlfriend ( I believe because he wanted to see if he could get better)so I said that it seemed the entire thing was starting to be stressful for him, maybe he should just go do what he needed because I wasn’t going to be the girl hanging around waiting to see if he wanted to be with me, if he didn’t know what he had with me it was his loss not mine. He said I should get out there date other people that he just wasn’t really sure he could be in a relationship, that he was still a messed up man.
    Well he still wants to see me, calls, text, emails, shows up to help out in the yard, gets mad if he hears I dated someone. I hear isn’t dating, I fell for him pretty hard but I try to be tough about it and move on. Does he want me? Is he scared? Did our paths just cross to close after a breakup, If he was into me he wouldn’t tell me to Date…I just don’t think a guy would do that.

  21. opekkhoman // June 14, 2013 at 6:03 pm //

    so here goes mine. I met this guy online n was goin thru tough time n was new to chat n all.thn met him n fell for him.he was hoin thru a brkup.i always avoided being close n his consistent stalking made me talk to him..add in n finally fall in love.he started taking care n latenyt tlong talks n whole day chat n helping.i got admitted tp the same uni as his.thn one nyt he admitted tht i cud b the best possible gf atm n i confessed the same.thn suddenly his ex came bk n he left .he tried to keep contact as frnd but i tried to move on.later i contacted him again offering frndship.i thot we were frndst whn my friends found out they pointed out tht we were always acting as gf n i finally proposed n stopped contacting.thn after a month he contactd again.n later several tomes tried but i didnt give in.but i was severely depressed..suicidal.suddenly he came bk asking for help saying his gf has been cheating all along.he was devastated n need my support.only i cud give him peace.but no he dsnt love me.i still ignored him till my suicidal tendency took me from beipill addict to taking life risks n shrink suggested to keep him in i offered him a two years relationship contract.he was so depressed n broken tht i felt guilty for leaving.he agreed.after sm months his hatred n paranoya towards women was descending.he started sleeping n laughing n acting normal.after more time at last we got serious in relation..made out tht is kissed.btw he still saus he dsnt love me dnt wanna marry me n here with me for my own good.after more n more dates n intimacy..i started asking for recognization frm his fam n to disclose all.he keeps telling tht he dsnt love me.but i do felt diff..i am the one he goes to in any problem..whnevr emotionally last with more fights i left him.but i am not sure how to live without him.should i wait?will he come Back?

  22. @opekkhoman……This sounds like a lot of drama. Is that what you really want?

  23. ThaFallenAngel89 // June 23, 2013 at 7:07 pm //

    Hi, i am intrested in learning and trying to see if there is any possible way to get my bf back…. he is my everything and is great with my son also… I love him with all my heart, but idk whatto do kinda feel lost ….

  24. @TheFallenAngel….. Not much to go on here. ??

  25. Hey Guys,

    So my ex and I broke up about a month ago, and the break up went almost exactly like how the OP’s went, except both me and my ex were crying. What’s weird though, is that after a p
    eriod of no contact/limited contact, we started hanging out again. We watch movies together, he cooked me a surprise dinner for my birthday and we’ve kissed and made out but nothing more than that. We have both acknowledge that this is an unusual situation for the both of us, especially since we’re the type of people who don’t ever have ‘ex sex’. Now he’s blowing hot and cold again and I’m not sure what to do. I do not want to get back with him until he sorts himself out in terms of being sure about us, but I do want him back eventually. Do I keep things going as is? Does he even want me back??

  26. @Kerry….Maybe this is unusual for the two of you, but it’s not unusual as far as the way breakups occur. There’s often a period of reconciliation. “Let’s be together but not label it.” It’s a way to focus on having fun rather than the work that relationships require. This period will last as long as it stays fun. As soon as he gets a whiff of the way things used to be he’ll likely break up again for good. This is your call.

  27. Hey Guys, thanks for the reply. Would you say that this is probably a lost cause then? I get so confused because we have talked about the possibility of trying again in the future when circumstances are different, like his work schedule and when I’m done with school. We both have said that we don’t want the other person with anybody else, and I just find the whole thing rather odd. When I say that it’s odd, it’s more odd for him because he’s 37 and I’m only 22. He’s been through serious relationships and doesn’t usually maintain contact, much less a date-y type thing till maybe a brief passing after a few months. I know I may be going on naivety here but his friends are encouraging to ‘keep doing whatever I’m doing’ and honestly I can’t seem to let go. He’s the type of guy who’s always been cautious about everything really and he was unsure about our future together. It was because he felt he shouldn’t be unsure about our future when we had already been dating almost 2 years that he called the break up. I’m just caught between cutting my losses now and leaving him, or hanging in there but keeping it casual.

  28. @Kerry…….You have age on your side. Meaning, if you hang around for a little while longer you’ll still be young. Just be careful not to get caught into something that goes on for years. That said, here’s the red-flag that we see. He’s 37. He’s been around the block. Maybe there’s a reason he’s 37 and still single? Maybe commitment is just something he can’t do.

  29. VeryConfused // July 16, 2013 at 7:33 am //

    Hi, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. Last Saturday I came home from work to find that he left. No phone call, or letter, just a text later on saying that he emailed me. He has a long history I am finding out of ending relationships this way.He moved here from CA to be with my children and I. He is 47, never been married and no children of his own. Therefore said he was very excited to help me raise mine. I might also add that he is a diagnosed pathological liar. I was dealing with that. His lies were stupid ones, not anything to terrible. He has agreed since the break up that he will continue to help me financially as we moved into a very expensive apartment and I was going back to school so I dropped my hours at work to accommodate my school schedule. He went up to NY to spend time with his best friend who was visiting the area. He has been calling an texting me every day since the split, up until a couple of days ago. I had hopes that maybe he just needed space and that he would come home as he left some very sentimental items here as well. Could he just be needing space to think about things so he hasn’t been contacting me is still giving me money, I know he still cares about us. I’m so confused. I love him and just want him to come home. Please help

  30. Okay so I met my ex boyfriend about 3 years ago. We did great until I randomly thought he was cheating. (He gave me no reason to think it) just trust issues. I guess I’m just more of a sad person without realizing it and he would always point that out as well as snappy and such. I realized I was making myself miserable as well as him by constantly wanting his attention and wanting to be with him rather than letting him have his space and me have mine. I also made the mistake of going through his things because of trust issues. He then didn’t trust me because of that. He told me he hasn’t been happy for over a year and broke up with me because of all of that. He had given me several chances to change and I never saw it I guess. Now that I’ve had almost 3 weeks to think about it, I’ve changed a lot about myself. He barely texts me as the days go on an I had told him I wanted to talk and get things off my chest if it was over. I went up to his work after not seeing him for 2 weeks and said hi and told him if it was the last thing I got from him I wanted to talk. I kinda started crying and he said just relax an have a good day at work. I asked him if we could talk that day and he said no. He sent me this text and I don’t know how to decider it. He obviously needs space but I don’t know if there is a chance he will come back or a way to prove I’ve changed? The text is as follows. “Sarah to be honest, I’m just not ready to talk about things yet. Please just let me have some more space for awhile. I am still confused and I don’t know how I’m feeling about anything right now. I will talk to you when I am ready. But as of right now I am not ready to talk about anything yet.” He texts me good morning and asks how I sleep sometimes and then other times no talking at all. I just don’t know what to think.

  31. @VeryConfused……It’s really hard to say. Our gut says he’s not coming back, at least not to the way it was. And even if we’re wrong and he does come back, are you really sure you want to be with a guy who handles issues this way? Just up and disappears? It doesn’t sound very stable. And honestly you have your kids to think about. Kids need stability, not pathological liars in their lives.

  32. @Sarah…..Take his words at face value and be patient. Let him initiate contact. When you do talk, be honest; it’s possible you could work through this if he’s still open to you. You might also consider seeing a professional for your trust issues. Just a thought. Good luck and take care.

  33. He’s contacting less and less everyday to the point it was nothing but asking how my mom was yesterday because she’s sick. Is he losing interest or just forgetting about me?

  34. Camille // July 26, 2013 at 9:23 am //

    I have been with him for 6 months and I recently broke up with him a week ago. Everything was going well until the start of this month. I was going through work depression and I am about to leave the country the next month. Before, we have already talked about me leaving and he was okay with it. He said we could work it out. And then, on the 30th of June, he said that he’s scared to jump in a LDR. We broke up that night. We got back together after 3 days but there are feelings of awkwardness between us unlike before. We wentl out for a date and I could really tell that there were changes – how i act around him and so is he to me. He confessed that he has a lot of problems at work and it’s stressing him out. He would like to tell me about the troubles he made at work but he can’t knowing that i can’t bear it because of my work depression. That he needs someone who’s serious, emotionally stabled, and someone who’s stable when it comes to work. I felt like the whole world has fallen all over me and felt like the worst girlfriend ever. He also mentioned that i he was to choose, he will never get back with me. But he loves me and that he’s willing to give me another chance. The next day, he called. I also felt like I not the girl for her and that if he needs to focus on his work, I am willing to break up with him so he would not have difficulty in prioritizing his work. But he told me that he just wanted to be “on break” but not really break up. He said he just wanted time alone to think if he still wanted this or not. During those time of “break” he is still calling every night, calling how was my day and texting me good morning and good night texts. After 2 weeks and he haven’t made his decision yet, I decided to break up with him since it had been so hard. Sometimes he would give me hint that he doesn’t want this anymore and sometimes he do. When we’re discussing the break up, he asked me if there’s somebody else and if I still love him. He asked me if there’s still a chance that we’ll see each other before I go. He said he was sorry for bringing up my flaws and hoped he hadn’t. And as we said our goodbyes, he told me “Please don’t say goodbye, just good night.” I broke up with him to make him realize my worth. That he loves me more than what he’s feeling about his work or my flaws. I thought he will be contacting me and that he wanted to get back with me. But now, it’s been a week and I haven’t heard anything from him. Do you think we still have a chance to get back together or he will realize it’s better this way?

  35. Nichole // July 30, 2013 at 5:17 pm //

    My boyfriend and I dated for 2.5 years. We’re both early/mid 30’s, however I’m the 1st person he’s been in love with. Anyhow, we broke up about a month ago. I knew something was brewing but being patient and knowing that he loves me more than anything, I really didn’t think it would end in a break up. I was really hoping it would lead to a break through.

    A little background that might worth mentioning: both of our families approve of the relationship and I’ve especially have felt part of his family. He hasn’t spent as much time with mine, but they are fond of him and welcoming. I have one on one relationships with those most important to him in his life. We really have 100% agreement when it comes to goals and values – no problems there.

    We miscommunicate sometimes, but I never thought it a big deal. But he thinks that having to work at a relationship is a sign of a miserable life to follow. Confusing since he’s taken me ring shopping twice (not of my influence).

    Reasons for ending it: we’re too different, he didn’t want to do the activities that I bought for us to spice things up, life with me would be a life of misery, we never resolve our “problems” – I’m only guessing he means we have to talk sometimes to resolve miscommunications.

    I think it’s all code for “you’re too close, and I’m uncomfy being vulnerable.” The entire relationship he’s held back, and honestly it was very hard to be in a relationship with someone afraid of love.

    I’ve only texted him once (when I was drunk), oops! I wrote that I love him, but no response.

    I am sure he is making a mistake, that I hope he won’t regret (as in realizing it when it’s too late). But who knows, only thing I know for sure is that he loved me more than anything but yet let me go (aka ran for the hills like someone being chased by zombies).

    I guess I don’t have a question, but if you have insight to share, I’d love that.

  36. @Nichole….We’re sorry. It is hard to be with someone who’s afraid of opening up. You may love him, but that’s a recipe for a long and difficult road more than being different people. Which brings us to the main point. The reasons he gave are just excuses. Something else is going on for him. (He may not even be aware of what that is.) But something is missing for him and that’s more likely why he broke up with you rather than the reasons he gave you. There’s someone else out there for you who will accept you and love you for who you are. You deserve that. He’s not the guy. Take care.

  37. hi, i have one question, my boyfriend and i of 3 years just decided today to take a break, we have been dating since we were sixteen, it has been talked about before that we are not sure if this relationship is working but we have always tried to find the problem and fix it and it has worked, we have always fixed the problem that we are not happy with but know it’s different this summer my boyfriend has had some emotional things that he has been dealing with all summer and i have tried to help him as much as i could but it was hard for me since he never was truly happy, he said that i was his only friend and that he couldn’t stand his family anymore and know in august he came home from germany after staying there for some days at a camp with friends, he met a girl there that told him about some pretty horrible things that had happened to her and she had only told him and the whole trip he was just a emotional mess and came home even worse and about 2 days after that he said he needed a break and i agreed, i had been thinking about that too.. but now after being on a break for 12 hours i think i want him back but not right away, i would like to stay on this brake a bit longer and Maybe try some new things but i don’t think i could go through with it you now since i love him a care for him alot and he is the only thing i can think of right now, but the thing that scares me is loosing him if i wait to long.. he really is a great guy and will never do anything to hurt me, so my question is do you think we will get back together and is it normal to be unsure if he is the one for you? please answear, any comment would be great!

  38. i met the man that i love 9 years ago we hit it off great and hung out with each other quite a bit we met in high school sense hes 4 years older than me he graduated and went in to the military i waited for him with out him asking he would come back to me when he was home on leave and we would spend most of that time together when he came home we waited a bit to hook up again we dated officially for close to a full year he left me once before and then came back a week and a half later he says hes not sure why he stopped loving me and doesnt want a sireouse relationship right now then half a month later he told me that he found someone he was interested in but that he wasnt sure what he was going to do about it but he asked if we could stay away from each other for awhile…i didnt want this it makes him leaving hurt more idk what to excpect with him all i know is it hurts to much to thing that we could go through all that just to have him move on in less then a month…he walked away from me a week ago today and left me july 12 idk what i did to make him want to leave but i only hope he will come back but he wont talk to me a or hang with me in fear that its making it to hard for me to move on i just dont know what to do any more

  39. this boy I talk to I meet at a party he very sweet and just from going out on dates with him I felt like I wanted to get married already and he says he feeling everything im feeling but just 10x stronger and that he had already started to love me, recently I showed him somebody else was trying to talk to me to see his reaction and everything just went down from there. we don’t talk as much I tred to address the problem n hed say leave it alone give him time to think but its been almost 3 weeks since things have been different, he says he still has feelings for me but I don’t want to sit around and wait on him then he says he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore , I put too much of my time into him and my mother knows about him too, I just feel like me and him would grow old together but hes stuck on something so small 🙁

  40. DarkAngelOfFaith // August 30, 2013 at 6:17 pm //

    Hey guys, ill just try to make my story short and to the point. I got into a relationship with a guy I went to highschool with over Facebook, turned out he moved from Texas to Cali. He would come down once a month for military and see me, all was going well.. We were both really happy.. Never been out of state so I decided to take the chance and go to Cali. I did a few times.. All was great. Then he kept saying how he wanted to move back to Texas, and got to talking about him moving in with me and my family til we got our own place. Well he moved in, all seemed fine. Then he had to leave for a 2 week training for the military… Left me in charge of his paychecks to help him save money, found out he was talking to girls on Facebook, I call to confront him and he flipped and said to delete his Facebook and he didn’t want to mess up anymore and fight for me.. He comes back texts me saying he’s moving out to his family’s here and wants to get an apartment for us. Then he just distanced himself for a week then texts me and we spoke in person and he said that he can’t do us anymore.. That he felt terrible and can’t live with himself for doing what he did to me cause he cared for me so much wanted to marry me have kids with me.. Then this… I’m confused and heartbroken. We had been together 9 months..

  41. Confused1013 // November 3, 2013 at 7:36 pm //

    My boyfriend of over a year just broke up with me. What he told me was that he had never questioned us before until now and that he thought about it for two weeks before talking to me and that he had decided we were destined for greater things. He told me that I was his first love and that we had an amazing year together and that this was the best relationship he has ever had so he did not know if this was it. He told me we had a good relationship but what about great? He also told me that he still loved me and that’s why this was so hard for him. I went emotionally crazy for the first week and tried to beg him to see we could make it work and he told me no he had made his choice and he did not see him changing his mind. I told him I respected that and that I was ok with that. He asked to be friends and I agreed the very next day he hit me up for friends with benefits. I’m the hottest girl he is ever going to date and he knows that so that’s why he wants sex because he we have great sex. Anyways since then he has told me that he just wants his freedom and that he does not think he will be in a relationship ever again because he is too selfish about his freedom. The thing I don’t get is how you can go from telling your parents your going to marry me to now this. When I see him I can tell he still cares. He contacts me all the time. What should I do? Does he just need time or should I move on?

  42. Dear Guys,
    This is a little long, I compressed my relationship details because I’d really like you to weigh my situation and to let me know if I should let go or keep trying in hopes of reconciliation.
    I dated a man four years younger than me for 16 months. He was 22 I was 26. We met at our college bookstore as we both worked there. We connected on an emotional, mental, and physical level. He became part of my family as I became part of his. Our close friends embraced us from both sides and this was the first time we felt like this for anyone as we both had serious long term relationships prior. We would discuss marriage and children and our eagerness to start a future together once he graduated. We were each others exact copies; we’d always tell people he was me with a penis and vice versa.
    As our relationship progressed we would have small fights mostly because of me. He lived in a house with four other college guys. They would have huge parties. This personally was not how I’d like to spend my time with him, but I knew there were different aspects of our life due to the age difference. I didn’t want him to partake in parties like that or surround himself with people who didn’t respect themselves or his house. So I’d get angry voice my anger and I’d leave and we’d fight. It didn’t happen often and the next day we would be fine. Other than that everything was great.
    Then graduation started creeping up for him. Four months before we broke up I started to panic. I wanted to spend ALL my time with him, with my reasoning being you’re graduating soon and I don’t know what’s going to happen so maybe we should just end it. I thought this would elicit answers from him being I’ll find a job out here and stay, but he would never want to talk about it and it would hurt and frustrate me. He was under so much stress with school. When I would bring the topic up he would say I’m so stressed out I don’t need you threatening to break up with me, but I understand where you’re coming from. So he said he’d have to think. It was a couple of days and I instantly regretted what I did and how I acted but a part of me really did want answers, I needed reassurance that we would make it work. We spoke the next night and he said we should just end it. I broke down and cried, he cried too. Then we talked and concluded that I would work on my jealousy/clinginess and we would not take each other seriously when we fought about silly things and we wouldn’t let the unknown scare us. He said he would never forgive himself if he just walked away without knowing if he would have made the biggest mistake of his life.
    Fast forward a few months, I got clingy again, what I wasn’t realizing was how unhappy I was with my life and myself, that he was my sole happiness. I hated my job; I wasn’t doing what I thought I’d be doing. I was drowning in debt, (I also paid for everything, drove everywhere because he didn’t have an income or a reliable car, which I never minded but that meant I had to work harder to enable us to do the things we did, or have to forgo visiting him when he went back home during breaks because I had to work, I needed to support myself and us). And I was living at home with my parents again. I wanted to change all that but I couldn’t do it financially. He also admitted one time when we were having one of our discussions, he didn’t feel equal, and he felt like a burden because I would have to pay for everything. When we’d go out he’s say, I swear once I start working I’m going to take you everywhere, I hate not having money. But I’d just brush it off, I didn’t care, I loved him, I’d drag down the moon and stars if he wanted. He also said it was his pride and he’d work on that.
    Two weeks before the break up, I started having these weird gut feelings. He would message me the same, tell me I love you, we didn’t change our routine, then I get the text message: “I’ve been thinking a lot these past two weeks can you meet me at Starbucks.” I meet him and get into his car. He doesn’t even look at me, his body is rigid and his head is hunched. He says: I’m not happy anymore, the connection is gone, and it’s not you it’s me. I couldn’t say a word, I was stunned, I couldn’t even cry. I felt numb like this wasn’t really happening, he’s joking. I had to make myself cry, of course I begged him I asked why and he repeated the three reasons again, like a robot. I told him is it because of the stupid fights, he said he didn’t think they were stupid. Even though I knew in my gut it wasn’t someone else I asked anyway, he said Sam I won’t be able to talk to another woman again for a very long time. And I cried because I knew he was serious this time and I was powerless. He told me have some confidence in myself and he was sorry but it was over. I opened the door to leave and he asked if he could walk me back I said no and left.
    As soon as I got home I collected all his stuff the letters, the gifts, his clothes the albums and drove to his house and placed them in front of his car (I told him I’d be doing this). And then I started the text message terrorism and face book messages (my least proud moment, I’ve never felt this way or experienced this before) the I love you’s, talk to me, we can work it outs….and so on so on. I did this for about a month.
    Spring break for him came when he came back to school he spoke to his (my old boss, I had already started a new job a while back) boss. She was the manager I was her assistant. She calls me a few days after he comes back, and tells me what he said. He went to her and she said he cried. He told her to be there for me (he knew her and I were very close) He said he had to do it before break because he knew he couldn’t come back to me and say I’m sorry I love you when he was in his hometown. He said he made his decision and was not going back. He wasn’t happy anymore and he couldn’t explain it but the connection was gone. And I should know some reasons why as well. He told her I’ll always love her and I’ll probably always have feelings for her, but this is how it has to be, I’m at a different place in my life right now. She asked him if it was another woman, he said no, I can’t even look at another woman; I couldn’t even get out of bed over break. She asked was it your friends and he said no my friends have no say on who I date. She asked what about the future, could it work then, and he said I can’t predict the future so I don’t know, and she asked if we would be friends and he said he hoped I would be his friend. He didn’t understand how I thought he was having such an easy time doing this, and he told her it was hard for him too. He was okay on the outside, but behind closed doors it’s a different story. Once she told me this, I accepted it. I put myself in his shoes. He was 22. Graduating had to find a job, and experience life. He had to find himself and his path. I continued to try to move on.
    Two and half weeks later he comes back to her. I get a phone call from her driving home from work and she tells me, he loves you so much Sam. She said she got a message from him saying I need to talk to someone. They messaged all day because he couldn’t concentrate and was heartbroken too. He met her after work and she said he sat down and sobbed for an hour. She said she learned his deepest fears and concerns and that he was so lost, he didn’t know if he was going right, left, forward or back. He said I can’t live without her, I love her so much. And she said, now you know how she has felt everyday since the day you broke her heart. He said he needed to find a job, he didn’t know where he would be going or end up at, he said he needed to move back home and that his life started there. Also, he was only 22 and I was 26. Sue told him age is just a number but he said I’d want a family soon and he wasn’t ready for that. And that he wanted to come home and lie his head down and not have someone upset with him or jealous of him spending time with his friends. He couldn’t ask me to move to his hometown because what if it didn’t work out and I’d be there alone, and he couldn’t crush me all over again, it wasn’t fair. Sue told him that’s life, it’s an experience you experience life with the people you love, she said you know she will support you in everything you do and she loves you. And he said, but what about all the other reasons, is love really enough and maybe he should just write everything down and talk to me (because never once did he open up to me or tell me anything he was feeling). Sue told him, you know you’re telling the wrong person all of this and he said I need to think.
    I was okay prior to knowing this, after hearing this I broke down again long story short I went out with a girlfriend drank too much and my ex ended up picking me up and bringing me home. As I cried in his car, he cried too. He tells me I’m the strongest person he knows I can get through this. I put my head on his shoulder and he lets me, but his body is rigid as if he was a robot. He pulls away after a few minutes and says I can’t, I can’t be attached to you anymore, and the connection is still there. (WTF, his reason for breaking up with me was the lack of) so I say okay let us just be. He stays we talk till late in the morning. He tells me everyone said he was depressed, he said he had lost weight and so on. I asked him then why are you doing this, he says I already told you. He eventually leaves after asking me for a hug, (and no, we did not kiss each other or sleep with each other).
    Two weeks later we saw each other again, I asked him to meet me to thank him and I didn’t want his last memory of me as being that night. And I knew we’d never see each other again. To be honest I had an entire speech prepared but as soon as I saw him, I couldn’t do it. We ended up doing small talk, he told me we would be friends, he said I shouldn’t worry I will find someone and I had my whole life ahead of me. I should live my life. He looked at me and said we weren’t bad to each other, we just drifted apart. I cried but agreed with him and gave him a graduation present. He said he had to go because he had his senior project to work on and I said ok, he asked for a hug and walked me back to my car. My boss told me later that when he came in, he showed her what I gave him and that he said seeing me was too hard. This was the last time I saw him.
    1 week went by and it was his birthday. I sent him a Happy Birthday message. I knew I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t help it. And then the emotions poured out, I end up sending him a letter via FB telling him I’m sorry for my behavior and taking out my unhappiness on him and that he was wonderful to me and I blew it and that I would make changes because I wanted to get my life back on track and be the person I was before. I also said I would end all contact with him because it was holding me back and it was disrespectful to him. And so I did.
    Three months later I shoot him a text, I continue to do so every few weeks for a few months, his responses are positive and friendly. I would only send a message if I received a response. The last message I sent didn’t receive a response so I ceased contact. Two weeks later I get a message from him. The message says. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to respond to you, I’ve been in the hospital for two weeks trying to survive, he had a very bad accident but he said he’d make a full recovery. I cried and said if you need anything just let me know. I asked can I visit he said, yes we can work something out, we’ll keep in touch, I didn’t want you to think I was ignoring you because I wasn’t. On my lunch we spoke again briefly. I sent a care package to him the very next day, and he told me thank you he really appreciated it and it was so sweet. I would text him funny pictures or messages, he would respond. I sent him a few more packages after and messages and with the third package he said he really appreciated everything but I didn’t have to do this, I said I wanted too and he said thank you.
    This is where I’d like some advice.
    I love this man so much. It’s been eight months since we’ve broken up and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. I have taken major steps to fix everything in my life I was unhappy with and I’ve been successful. I’ve actually learned to have a relationship with myself and I’ve sought help for my behavior issues and am so much stronger emotionally. I know he’s going through a lot right now, and I feel selfish for even thinking this but he’ll always responds to my messages eventually being friendly and positive, but never initiates contact. Someone who was interested in being in your life even as a friend would contact you. I’ve thought this prior to his accident as well. I always want to be there for him now and throughout our relationship I did everything I possibly could to make him happy, even when it meant sacrificing mine. I feel like I’m chasing a ghost. It hurts me knowing that he’ll only reach out if I do, otherwise we’d have no contact at all.
    A few weeks ago I found out from my old boss, during these eight months he’s been looking for jobs down here and landed one the literal day before the accident. Also, he hasn’t been dating, just catching up with old friends; I’ve been doing the same. I’m really struggling to move past this, I love him so much still and I don’t know why he never opened up to me when we were always so honest with each other. Being that I’m the only one initiating contact do you think his silence is a hint for me to leave him alone and just disappear? Why won’t he just tell me? I’d do so, because all I ever and will ever want for him is to be happy with or without me. My close friends tell me to stop all contact. Please help, I’m so lost.


  43. @Sam……We’re sorry you’re feeling so sad and lost. We can see how much you love this man. However, your friends are right. You do need to stop all contact. If there’s any chance of reconciliation it has to come from him. He knows how you feel and he knows you’d take him back if he came to you and said he wanted to try again. But you’re not giving him enough space to figure out what he wants out of his life. Even semi-regular calls/texts is enough to make him feel a bit smothered. So as hard as it might be you need to try and stop contacting him. It’s also not great for your own emotional well-being. What you’re doing is keeping yourself in an emotional holding pattern. How are you going to move on if you keep circling overhead, waiting to land? You’re not. So for both of these reasons the best thing you can do is try to focus on your own life. If you’re not ready to date, we understand, but at least focus on some other things in your life, and try to give yourself a chance without him. So your question: Should I let him go? Why won’t he tell me to move on? Yes, it is possible that a person might come back and say they want to try again. But most times when that happens it’s short lived. Meaning, people get back together for a bit, or start having a sexual FWB relationship, which is not very healthy, and then they break up again. Most likely, he’ll stick to his decision and not come back. We’re sorry. Understand that he still cares for you. And that’s probably why he doesn’t tell you definitively that it’s over. But caring for someone and wanting to be with them are different. The best advice we can give you is try to let go. That doesn’t help with your pain, but we can say, that with time, you’ll get over this. That’s not to say he won’t always have a special place in your heart, but at some point you’ll be able to see this from a different perspective. You’re just too close to it right now. Take care. And hang in there. Remember to surround yourself with all the people that love you, especially during this holiday season.

  44. Kelly - alone in a foreign country // January 23, 2014 at 3:57 pm //

    I’m just a bit lost and could use some advice. I met my boyfriend about a year and a half ago while working abroad. We dated a couple weeks, but I returned home to the US shortly after. We agreed to be single and move on, but we ended up building our friendship over Skype/email for about 6 months until I was able to return. I returned to Europe and visited with him, keeping in mind it was more like the beginning of dating since we hadn’t been physical for months. And it was really great. I was in and out of his country every couple of weeks, but we used it as a way to build our relationship and kept it at dating without a label. When I was finishing up work and arranging to be closer to him, he asked me what we were and I panicked and was too afraid to say, “yes, I want this relationship” so we just kept it open still. I had to leave for work for 2 weeks and agreed to speak about it then. When I returned, he seemed strange and he quickly admitted that he had kissed another woman while I was gone (and swore nothing more happened). I was actually okay with it since we hadn’t decided to be exclusive about it. (I mean I didn’t like it, but appreciated his honesty).

    Then we decided we’d give it a go in the relationship since I was in the same area finally. It’s been really great and deep in my heart he has been such a gamechanger for me and has pushed me to be a better person. And he has always been equally smitten with me. Until, he suddenly decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he wanted to work on himself and repair his ties with his family. As he was breaking up with me, he just kept saying how I’m such a “good woman” and at this point I couldn’t tell if he was trying to convince himself or me that things would be okay. He said he’s never laughed so much in a relationship and always was happy with me, but he needs the time to take care of himself. Again, that normal panic switch that goes off with women managed to stay subsided (because I think deep down, I know not to mess this one up) and I told him to take the time he needs. He said he doesn’t want a relationship with another woman and he just doesn’t want to mess things up for us in the future and he sees a future with us. He asked to be friends, but I’ve been struggling with it. He pulled away and stopped talking to me for a few weeks, so I decided to leave his village for a few weeks to give us some time apart and not contact him. When I came back, he was really upset that I hadn’t contacted him for that time. But he still didn’t want a relationship yet.

    So I left for 6 weeks and we had coffee before we left and he was sad, but happy for me and we agreed to keep in touch. The new year was tough to be away from him and I told him how much I’d really like to be with him, and he said to stay positive and I’d be back in a few weeks. When I contacted him to pick me up from the airport in his home country he said he couldn’t see me because there is some girl in his life (but she hasn’t yet proved to be ok for him yet). He hopes there can still be good energy with us, but now I’m lost and stuck in this country and don’t know if I should maintain limited contact. I did wish him well with her because I figured maybe this is him needing space and figuring himself out. And ultimately, I love him enough that I do want him to be happy. I wish it could be me that he chooses, but right now he’s not mine to love and to make happy.

    I feel like I keep trying to cut ties and do the no contact thing, but he draws me in again. It hurts to hear about him being with a new girl and I don’t want to be his friend. But, there’s still this part of me that feels we will end up together. Do I maintain contact or if I just cut him out will that just mean I’ve given up and it’s forever over? I’ve never been a fan of the “can we still be friends” scheme and don’t understand why he wants friendship. Is it just to keep me as am option for a relationship further in the future? What does he see that I don’t?


  45. I had been with my bf for 4 years. We were engaged. We were talking baby names and all this coming from him.. he then 3 days ago says that he cant be with me because he needs to fond himself. That he’s been doing all this for me because i deserve it but i dont deserve to keep going through the sacrifices of our relationship when he’s not willing to do the small things needed of him and that he needs to figure out why. He says he doesnt want another gf and that doesnt want to be dating. That he will always love me and that he needs to find himself, get his life together so that he can be happy with who he is and be able to provide to our relationship. Well this morning i find that he’s initiated converstations with a co worker of his whos like 18 and flirting with her and saying that they should go grab something to eat and things lile that. I am so confused…

  46. @Karina….Do you have a child with this man? How old are the two of you? Fill us in a little. We can give you a little feedback here in the comments section, but to get a detailed response you should ask a question on our site.

    FYI: There are three ways to get a question answered. On our website, go to Contact/Submit a Question. THen choose between General Question, Private Question, Relationship Coaching. It’s free to ask a General Question but we only get to about 20% of questions at best. There is a fee for Private Question but it’s guaranteed that we answer via emial. (So it’s private) Also, check out our ereports. You might find some useful info and they are the price of a cup of coffee!!

  47. I am 24, he is 26. We do not have any children. He says he still loves me and that he doesnt want another relationshio, not with anyone else but he feels loke we noth need to work on ourselves if we ever want the relationship to work. So we are in zero contact at the moment, giving each other the space we need but he alao said he didnt want to give me a timeline or call this a break becauae he doesnt want me just waitibg around on him. And although we are broken up, there is a slim chance that we will get together but do u think he will engage in sexual activity with other women

  48. @Karina…..The fact that he’s saying you shouldn’t wait around for him is a pretty telling remark. He’s pretty much saying he has a lot of doubts about the relationship, and that anything could happen when the two of you are apart. (You could meet someone, he could meet someone, you could decide that you’re not right for each other, you could decide that you want to try again.) We don’t know the guy so we can’t speak to whether he’ll have sex with another woman. That said, you’re broken up, which means he’s free to do whatever he wants. Sorry. Hopefully this will work out for you, but you need to prepare yourself if it doesn’t.

  49. Hello to all,I am hoping to gain some perspective and insight into a baffling situation for me…here goes:
    I met a wonderful man at the end of July 2015. He was sweet kind and had a gentle strength about him which I could only compare with my father. He seemed stable and grounded and expressed himself effortlessly. He pursed me for about 2 weeks until I agreed to meet for dinner. Our first date was fantastic and short which led to a second…third. We were crazy about each other. Absent was any of the anxiety or doubts in previous beginnings we had each experienced. We decided to focus solely on each other within the first month. He was soft spoken and a true gentleman and our romance blossomed effortlessly. By September he had professed his love,I had been introduced to family and close friends and he, mine. Everyone seemed overjoyed with our union, his father hugged me one day with tears in his eyes thanking me for making his boy so happy, as he had never seen him so smitten. Things progressed, we shared, we laughed we cried, we played…it was nothing short of amazing. He began to speak of moving in together, in his home, come October. I felt it was a bit to soon yet to make that commitment[he lived an hour from my home] considering all of my obligations atm tied to my current location[mostly work related] but said we could discuss that further down the road. he began to talk marriage, and wanted to take me looking for rings so that he could get an idea of what I liked when the time presented itself. I became closer and closer with him and his family and eventually talk turned to the future and with moving down by his parents to eventually take over the family businesses. All well and good, we were making a plan about our collective future, he wanted to go look at some real estate down there and wanted my input, wanted me to go look at properties with him. It was always we/us….was I dreaming? it was too good to be true.We only had 2 misunderstandings…this is where it gets fuzzy. The first one was nothing by any means, he did something that left me a little butt-hurt and i told him quite simply it was a crappy thing to do, not raising my voice, but sounding a little miffed.Well, he ran from me..literally locked himself in the bathroom and was afraid to come out[granted, a bit too much wine was involved this evening, so i chalked it up to that really..] when I was finally able to convince him to come out, it was obvious he was terrified. upon speaking about it, I found out the kind of women he had come accustomed to dealing with..violent shrews who caught him in a chokehold,women who screams,threw and broke glasses struck him…how horrible.
    He had expected this of me…simply because he felt he had disappointed me, and this caused him to shut down and retreat. this happened on another occasion when he needed some alone time, and instead of just telling me,he shut down completely. This time I was a bit more cautious about my return when he came to me the next day remorseful and broken, saying that he knew he needed to learn how to handle things differently and that I was an amazing woman, so patient and kind, and that he appreciated every gentle aspect of my compassion. When I went to him, he played the song”The sweetest thing Ive ever known is loving you” and we danced, and wept in each others arms for what seemed like an was beautiful beyond compare…my love had returned.This was right before Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful holiday season, Thanksgiving with his family, 2 Christmases,one with each family it was amazing…we had so much fun and I felt like part of his family. for my birthday[just before xmas] he presented me with a ring that he had made himself, made from an old sterling silver quarter. He had spent the last 4 months and countless hours flattening it out using a spoon to widen the edge, drilling out the middle rounding the edges and polishing it. I was floored! he also bought me about $500 in snowmobile gear and been hard at work fixing up one of his sleds for me to learn how to ride on! We spent New years with his family at their suggestion…they really enjoyed having us both around. The weekend after new years, he wanted to talk about our future one night, saying he saw us together for the long run and suggested we begin to think about having a serious discussion with his parents about their expectations of us taking over the businesses, as his dad had been throwing remarks out, but there had yet to be any real talk, and he felt the time had come. I agreed.Now granted, by the end of the holidays, i myself had been feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of our together time, [spending an average of 4-5 days together instead of our normal 2-3] and had done an awful lot of socializing…i was ready for a little “me time” during the upcoming week.I could tell he was ready to decompress too, and sensed there might be a bit of a shut down as he got some much needed time for himself as well[hes the type that needs a little more man-cave time in order to feel as if his freedom isnt being compromised] We made love on sunday night, we shared some coffee and some time monday morning before he left for work, he kissed me sweetly,told me he loved me and left.
    We chatted through out the day ending with our normal goodnights.
    Tuesday morning I awoke to a “good morning sunshine!” text and we chatted through the day as usual. THEN>>>>
    Right around 3pm we began chatting about his wonderful meatloaf[I had taken a piece home with me and had enjoyed it after my gym session] to which he replied:
    YUM!!!!![5 smilies] yes its sooo good!!!
    …and then he disappeared.
    Normally if his work day got busy, he would contact me when he got home and settled in. Not this time.
    wednesday came and went…then thursday…. I reached out sensing he may have been doing his shut down thing with a friendly”hey! hows everything going?”
    friday comes and goes….i send a quirky” hey,are you camping?”[because all I hear are crickets*chirp-chirp*]
    Saturday, becoming concerned, I contact his father to see if he has heard anything from him, and explain the situation. He is baffled as well, and says he will reach out to him and get back to me….i just want to know hes ok.
    5 hours later, I reach out to him again..”anything?”
    2 hours later, my beloved sends this message:” i appreciate your concerns and Im sorry ive been so quiet.I am fine and just taking some time for myself. i dont expect you to sit and worry or wait around, dad is sorry he forgot to text back but wants you to know im ok’
    So business like?
    i say,” i understand, thank you for letting me know. I figure he is just spending time with his father[which his previous SO’s never allowed him to do, but I encouraged it, because they are trying to rebuild their relationship]
    Figured I would hear from him by Monday.
    Nope, nothing further Monday night, i sent a message asking how much snow he had gotten and asking if the yellow sled was ready to take for a spin, wooohooo!ready to try out all my new gear!:)
    no reply…
    until I awake Tuesday
    When I get a text saying hes sorry he hasnt spoken in so long, he figured i wouldve known based on his last message[HUH???]Thers no easy way to say it, and its not fair to leave me hanging…” Im not ready for the seriousness you deserve.I dont want to let you down.youre a great person and deserve alot better than me’
    he doesnt want to talk.hes had alot of time to think and feels its best to say this now rather than risk more than we already have.I shouldnt blame myself.its not fair to me that he keeps shutting down and he has his own issues to work on, and hes taking time to think about his life and where hes going and he prefers to do this on his own He has packed all of my belongings and put them on the back porch its nothing personal. it isnt fair if he cant give his wholehearted all to a relationship, he hopes i understand.
    then silence.
    I went down that night in a blizzard to collect my things while he was at work and ended up getting stuck in his driveway. he ignored my messages explaining what happened and my need for assistance
    How did my love go from a mushy love filled puffball to a stone cold ass in the flip of a switch??? Seriousness I deserve? He was the one who always initiated all of our”seriousness talks”… if anything, i followed his lead and tapped the brakes occasionally…can ANYONE please offer any insight into wtf just happened to all my dreams??

  50. @Melissa…..We’re sorry. It sounds like he fell in love with the idea of you, but when reality hit, it was too much for him. Guys sometimes do this. They get excited, push the relationship forward, only to realize they got ahead of themselves. Clearly he wants to fall in love, and it’s possible he fell in love with you, but something must have been missing for him, otherwise he wouldn’t have taken such drastic measures to push you away. If it was just doubts, it sounds as if he would have talked to you and tried to work through things. Basically he already decided awhile ago, but didn’t have the courage to tell you. We are truly sorry. This is really hard. Take care of yourself.

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