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I was in a relationship for about thirteen months, after four months of being best friends. Everything was going okay until the six month mark, at which time he started ignoring me a bit. I kept asking him what was wrong but he ignored me more. After a year he started getting hyper over the smallest things, which started causing tension between us. Then he said he needed some space to think, and that he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship. I gave him him space for about a month, although he still said he wanted to be friends. I told him I didn’t want to be just friends.
Then he started to not return my phone calls and texts and I started getting frustrated and confused. We started arguing a lot. Why would he do this? He broke all the promises he made to me and now he’s shattered my heart.
So I don’t know what to do. Does he have some serious problem? Should I be his friend and wait for him or just move on?
He also said if he meets some new girl in the future he doesn’t want a relationship to bind him. Although he also said breaking up with me hurts him a lot. So what should I do? He still wants to be my friend, but I want more than that.
Thanks for writing to us.
We’re sorry you’re going through a hard time. Breaking up is always sad, especially when promises are made, and plans are laid. But a break up is even more difficult if you’re not sure what’s really going. You’re wondering: Am I breaking up, or are we just on hold? This state of limbo is even harder than a breakup, because you’re not sure whether to grieve and move on, or be hopeful that something might change.
However, in your case the signs are pretty clear that you’ve broken up. He’s pretty much telling you straight out that he wants to be free to pursue other girls if an opportunity arises. There’s nothing gray in the interpretation. He’s also said he just wants to be friends again which is how the two of you started out.
It sounds like he gave it a shot but realized he didn’t have feelings for you beyond friendship. Maybe he didn’t handle himself very well while he sorted these feelings out-he should have returned your calls and texts and communicated to you what was going on with him-but that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with him. Break ups are always messy. He probably felt really sad when he realized he didn’t want a relationship with you, and then the guilt set in. Instead of tackling it head on, he chose the other route, which most people do, and started dropping hints. Guys often do this because because they think it’s an easier exit strategy than just sitting their girlfriend down and talking to them. This is not because we don’t care. We actually care a lot, it’s just we’re not as good at discussing our feelings. And once a guy’s made a decision, it’s unlikely he’s going to change his mind.
The other hard thing about a break up is that one person has already been thinking about it for months. So when they finally reveal how they feel, they’ve been working through the emotional upheaval for a while, probably talking to friends and family to sort out and understand what and how they’re feeling. That’s why it feels like it’s so sudden to the other person, because they’re just hearing this horribly upsetting news for the first time, but the other person has been grappling with it for a while.
Piya, your best move is to move on here. As hard as it is, you need to let him go; and we don’t recommend being friends with him. That’s only going to prolong your pain. Down the road if you’re feeling stronger, or possibly seeing someone new, and you decide you want to be friends with him again, that might be a better time to make that decision. For now, give yourself some time to heal. Spend time with your friends and family, and do things that make you happy.
Hang in there.
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