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Breaking up

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Dear Guys,

I was in a  relationship for about thirteen months, after four months of being best friends. Everything was going okay until the six month mark, at which time he started ignoring me a bit. I kept asking him what was wrong but he ignored me more. After a year he started getting hyper over the smallest things, which started causing tension between us. Then he said he needed some space to think, and that he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship. I gave him him space for about a month, although he still said he wanted to be friends. I told him I didn’t want to be just friends.

Then he started to not return my phone calls and texts and I started getting frustrated and confused. We started arguing a lot. Why would he do this? He broke all the promises he made to me and now he’s shattered my heart.

So I don’t know what to do. Does he have some serious problem? Should I be his friend and wait for him or just move on?

He also said if he meets some new girl in the future he doesn’t want a relationship to bind him. Although he also said breaking up with me hurts him a lot.  So what should I do? He still wants to be my friend, but I want more than that.

Piya

Dear Piya,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re sorry you’re going through a hard time. Breaking up is always sad, especially when promises are made, and plans are laid. But a break up is even more difficult if you’re not sure what’s really going. You’re wondering: Am I breaking up, or are we just on hold? This state of limbo is even harder than a breakup, because you’re not sure whether to grieve and move on, or be hopeful that something might change.

However, in your case the signs are pretty clear that you’ve broken up. He’s pretty much telling you straight out that he wants to be free to pursue other girls if an opportunity arises. There’s nothing gray in the interpretation. He’s also said he just wants to be friends again which is how the two of you started out.

It sounds like he gave it a shot but realized he didn’t have feelings for you beyond friendship. Maybe he didn’t handle himself very well while he sorted these feelings out-he should have returned your calls and texts and communicated to you what was going on with him-but that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with him. Break ups are always messy. He probably felt really sad when he realized he didn’t want a relationship with you, and then the guilt set in. Instead of tackling it head on, he chose the other route, which most people do, and started dropping hints. Guys often do this because because they think it’s an easier exit strategy than just sitting their girlfriend down and talking to them. This is not because we don’t care. We actually care a lot, it’s just we’re not as good at discussing our feelings. And once a guy’s made a decision, it’s unlikely he’s going to change his mind.

The other hard thing about a break up is that one person has already been thinking about it for months. So when they finally reveal how they feel, they’ve been working through the emotional upheaval for a while, probably talking to friends and family to sort out and understand what and how they’re feeling. That’s why it feels like it’s so sudden to the other person, because they’re just hearing this horribly upsetting news for the first time, but the other person has been grappling with it for a while.

Piya, your best move is to move on here. As hard as it is, you need to let him go; and we don’t recommend being friends with him. That’s only going to prolong your pain. Down the road if you’re feeling stronger, or possibly seeing someone new, and you decide you want to be friends with him again, that might be a better time to make that decision. For now, give yourself some time to heal. Spend time with your friends and family, and do things that make you happy.

Hang in there.

THE GUYS

PS:  If any of your friends have questions be sure to let them know about us. Facebook. Twitter. Face-to-Face. Thanks.

 

15 Comments on Breaking up

  1. Piya, I agree with the guys. It’s time to move on, and let him find what he is looking for. If you happen to accidentally run in to him somewhere, smile, be pleasant, but brief. I know you feel like you had a lot invested in the relationship, but believe me, 13 months is not a very long time–it can take years to really connect with someone. That might be one of the reasons that the divorce rate is so high. You WILL meet someone else, and it could turn out to be the best connection ever! Hang in there!

  2. Okay so here’s the deal…

    So basically My boyfriend and I of 2 years split up (he broke up with me) this time last year… We were living together, and were pretty serious. We had a really deep love and connection.The thing is that we bickered a lot. We had this vicious cycle when we fought- it would be just a stupid disagreement and then would blow up and he would go into ignoring me mode. The issues we would fight about were never anything serious. but Him ignoring me would make me emotional and confused. Every fight seemed to have this same pattern. And every time we were in this stage he would act so cold I would be wondering if he was going to break up with me. Then he would always come back around and be all in love with me again and he would tell me “give me my space and I’ll always come back” One day the same thing happened and he finally broke it off. He told me that our personalities were too different and that he “wanted” it to work but didn’t think it could. So a few months went by and he started contacting me again. We ended up getting back together for about 5 months. It was never the same, and that same cycle we had with the ignoring stuff continued only this time it was worse because I knew he really was capable to leave me. So basically he ended it the 2nd time (although he says it was mutual) and I’m left here broken again. I love him so much, it’s kinda crazy. He has always told me i was his dream girl, and part of me believes he was mostly with me because he was infatuated with me physically, and loved my looks. I don’t know, the last break up he seemed so serious that we would never work together so when he says it this time again I’m left wondering… will he come back? He told me that the love was there but we are too different. So I’m lost. He has completely shut down and is now completely avoiding me. I’m doing the best I can to leave him alone but it is soo hard. He was so controlling and protective when we were together it seems so crazy for him to just not care anymore. He even said when we broke up for me to never tell him if i get a new boyfriend. I don’t understand, is he playing games with me? it feels like he isn’t wanting to let go but is trying to move on.

  3. @Britney…..We are really sorry. Breakups are hard. You mentioned he might be infatuated with you physically. That factors in here a lot. We’re going to paint you a scenario so you can see this: Let’s say he was attracted to you physically, but more moderately attracted to you, not the way he is now. And then let’s say the two of you were fighting like you did. If this were the case, there’s no way he would have stuck around, or tried to get back together with you again. He would have just broken up with you and moved on. He’d say to himself, “Why am I dealing with this conflict; I could probably find a hotter girl anyway.” (Do you see where we’re going with this?) We’re not saying the only reason he was with you was because of your looks. But we are saying his physical attraction to you is the only reason he kept trying to make it work. If he wasn’t infatuated with you physically he would have just bagged it a long time ago. And that’s also why he’s acting funny now. He hates the fact that he can’t make it work with you because he’s so attracted to you. And for guys that’s a huge deal. To have to throw you back into the pond is pretty brutal for him, even though he knows he doesn’t want to be with you, or can’t make it work. Does this make sense? Your thoughts?

  4. Okay so I understand that aspect and I’m pretty aware of it… I guess I just don’t know what to do. Because he came back around before, does that mean he will again? Last time it was like as soon as I “moved on” for real he came back. And the weird part is I was ok with just somewhat hooking up and being still single but he insisted we be official. It’s crazy. It’s like the same exact thing is happening. What do I do?

  5. @Britney….We think you’re going to see much of the same from him. He might be back, but the same old patterns will resurface again. If you’re okay with that, then you let him back in your life. If you’re not, you make the break for good even if he does come sniffing around. Britney, you’re letting him dictate everything here. It’s time to decide what YOU WANT. What do you want? Right now you’re in a holding pattern and it’s impeding your progress in your life. You’re allowing this guy to do that to you. If you want to meet a great guy, make a decision and then stick with it. We think you’ll be surprised at what’s out in the world. Sure, there’s no guarantee, and yes, there are a lot of lame guys out there, but eventually you’ll meet someone new, and then you’ll wonder, “Why the heck did I waste so much time on this other guy?” What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Or on Facebook, Twitter. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  6. Do you think it’s possible for him to change after a long period of time? Like for instance if I stand my ground and really avoid him… Show him that he really has finally lost me.(because I always have reassured him how much I love him) but this time I won’t. It’s weird but something inside is telling me it’s not over with him somehow. Like a long separation is necessary. How often does that happen where a guy can actually realize that he lost something great and make a turn around? We just had such a deep connection it kills me to think it’s over for good. To be totally honest I have guys that like me all the time- but they just aren’t him. Do you think if I wait and not contact him he’ll realize and come around? And at that point if he does come back i wont let him back this time so easy… What do you think? Or am I being an idiot? Haha

  7. @Britney……You’re not being an idiot. You’re clinging hard to someone you love as you see them drifting from your life. Question for you to consider: You say you have guys hitting on you all of the time but they’re not him. Do you think the fact that he’s held more power in this relationship than you is the thing that makes him seem more attractive? Because from our vantage, he doesn’t seem like he treats you with a lot of respect and love. Here’s what you said: “The thing is that we bickered a lot. We had this vicious cycle when we fought- it would be just a stupid disagreement and then would blow up and he would go into ignoring me mode. The issues we would fight about were never anything serious. but Him ignoring me would make me emotional and confused. Every fight seemed to have this same pattern. And every time we were in this stage he would act so cold I would be wondering if he was going to break up with me. Then he would always come back around and be all in love with me again and he would tell me “give me my space and I’ll always come back”…….Do you see how much power he has in your relationship. He’s dictating everything and that’s a fundamental issue. The power needs to be evenly distributed so that people can solve issues on a level playing field. We definitely think you need to be strong and separate from him. He needs to know he can’t play these games anymore. Will this be enough to shake him up and make him come back, and then most importantly change how he treats you? That’s hard for us to predict. Much of the time when people come back, everything is wonderful for a time—a few weeks, even up to a year—but then the same familiar patterns surface. So what do you think? What’s your plan? Did we ask you what your friends think. We’re curious.

  8. Funny you ask that about what my friends think. My friends can’t really stand him. I’ve always been so strong but he seems to bring out the vulnerable little girl in me and I think my friends can see that. I think when he ignores and neglects me it resurfaces things from my childhood. The thing is i know he isn’t healthy for me. For some reason I’m holding on to him though and it feels impossible to let go. He has a certain control over me. He was always really jealous and controlling… haha it sounds so sick like why can’t I let him go? The part that hurts the most is literally a week before we broke up he told me to give my whole heart to the relationship and have faith in our love. Like wtf? and then a week later he ends it. I know I need to move on; I feel like i’m in love with a sociopath. I’m scared that he will come back and I’ll fall back in, and at the same time I’m scared he won’t come around and I’ll feel like this forever.

  9. @Britney….The more you talk about it the more we think you need to move on. You say you’ve always been strong. Well you’re strong enough to resist his advances if he comes back. He’s not healthy for you. The relationship is not a healthy relationship. Your friends are right. And now this is the time to lean on them. And your family. You can do it. Stand your ground and try to move forward. And keep us posted on how you’re doing. Or ask a follow-up question anytime. Thanks for sharing our site with your friends. We appreciate it.

  10. As we spend time apart again I’m recognizing certain things. i’m learning that in my relationship I was projecting my own abandonment issues on to him. It would only happen after a fight. So we would get into a fight and then I would get crazy anxiety when he would pull away… It’s crazy because I would display these emotions of needing answers “now” and not be able to let time give them. I can honestly say I think that’s what led to the end. Even though he hasn’t been the best person at times, my inability to not allow him to go off to his man cave without a fight probably killed us.

    We were crazy in love. I mean the chemistry was nuts.

    So recently we have been chatting.. just catching up through text after running into each other at a bar. It’s weird because we both know we should’t be talking.

    The other night he expressed to me how he thinks i fall in love too easily and that we should both wait to jump into another relationship, he was telling me how guys lie to get in your pants (which i know, but i found it kind of sweet he was telling me), so I asked him “did you ever lie to me to get some?” and he replied ” no I was honest all the way…” and he said “remember when i used to tell you it was too good to be true? We both were real and eventually found out it was too good to be true”

    I never responded the rest of the night… it hit me sort of hard. I began remembering how much he did display his love in the relationship and somehow i never saw it. I never listened. He would always tell me “just give me some space and I’ll always come back” and I could never do it.

    So this is where I stand… I love him retardedly.. haha I say retardedly because It’s in such an amount that should be impossible. I mentioned to him after that on another day that I was really sorry for always punishing him when he needed space. We honestly have only recently started talking again and i’m trying to make a point to not initiate anything and keep it light. I’m so confused because it’s not as if he is showing that he wants me back.. and part of me thinks i’m crazy to even think of a reunion…

    AM I CRAZY TO NOT BE OVER IT???? hahah

  11. @Britney…….It almost doesn’t matter what we think. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. Sure, the chemistry might be “crazy” as you say, but it doesn’t mean the match is good. Maybe that’s our take. We see much of the same if you get back together. But you know the situation better than we do. And it’s your life. Good luck. We hope it works out for you.

  12. So here’s my question… My boyfriend has said before that I’m too clingy. He’s very old fashioned-ish and likes to go slow and not really do things in public, which is fine really. But a couple of nights ago I was texting him and just messing around, and suddenly he said “you’re being clingy again”. I just don’t understand how, I mean I didn’t say anything clingy… Then he said “I think we should break up, but I don’t know if we should” and i said i could try to change and stuff and he kept denying it and saying no… he said if he did break up with me it would be in person.. so the next day he said he still hadn’t decided. But later he said “we can stay together it will be fine” He keeps giving me mixed signals and I’m very confused. Now he hasn’t called/texted me in 2 days (i usually wait for him to contact me first). What do I do?

  13. Oh, and he also said that he’s been thinking about breaking up for a couple of months

  14. @Victoria……He’s giving you mixed signals because he’s unsure of how he feels. Your clinginess is just an excuse he’s using. What’s going on is he doesn’t feel how he wants to feel. Don’t change for him. If he doesn’t want you for who you are then he’s not the right guy for you.

  15. Hi guys I have a question
    I was with – still am- with my boyfriend for 10 months.
    Just recently we were bickering a little bit- mostly my fault . I noticed that something wasn’t right with him so I say down and talked to him. He said he is just really confused right now- he’s 20 and I’m 23 and he just needs to realIze if he wants to be in a relationship . He cried and cried to me saying that he knew he wanted to be with me because he is not goin to find anyone like me- up until a few weeks ago the relationship was like a fairy tale. We left it at we were going to take a couple weeks to both get back to where we need to be. I asked him point blank if he wanted to just break up and he said no- he told me over and over not to think the worst and he will be back. I have no idea what to think- I really think he loves me and wants to be with me but he just wants to take a couple weeks to not have to worry about what I’m going to think and be a 20 year old
    Am I crazy for still having hope in us?

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